My elderly dad wants to visit mums ashes abroad

I hate that he says I'm his favourite, because actually my brother is as he can do no wrong. Spoilt by both my parents as he was the baby, he's 8 years younger. He's never worked and my parents made every excuse under the sun for him! My sister and I just got on with school/work etc.
I only do as much as I do as it helps my sister out. She's recovering from breast cancer and has an extremely stressful job in the NHS. So doesn't need any more pressure.
If I didn't do this he wouldn't have anyone. He alienates lots of people by his rudeness.
I'm hoping he will decide not to go. He may not be well enough anyway.

"If I didn't do this he wouldn't have anyone. He alienates lots of people by his rudeness."
Didnt you say he is well off? He can pay people money to take him to Jersey

My guess is that you are cheaper, lack boundaries and wont call him out on his crap - win win for him
Why shall he bother with anybody else?

"He alienates people with his rudeness"
He makes his bed, he pays the consequences for his actions
He is a big boy, he knows what he is doing

"I'm hoping he will decide not to go. He may not be well enough anyway."
You can say "no, i wont do this"

You are the scapegoat of the family.
It is up to you to say enough and reclaim your life

Your father can hire carers, go to a care home for his needs, he is very mentally fit

Stop being abused

I book assistance same time as flight , I do get left on the plane till the end and have to wait for the helper , I can walk down the stairs , but sometimes I’m not allowed and have to go in , what I call , the Cherry picker !
But it means my Daughter can walk along with me and the case is on my lap
It is a help through security and on to the plane , but it is a bit uncomfortable!

You say he wants to see mum but her ashes have been scattered. What does he want to see?

He wants to see where she was scattered obviously. Also abuse is a harsh word. I actually do love my dad

So the way he treats you, is it the way a loving father should treat his daughter?

Your love for him has nothing to do with this

He is not kind to you and abusing you

If I may ask Iceandaslice why didn’t he go with you both when the ashes were scattered? It would have been easier with you both there.

Hithere your comments are really unhelpful so please stop.
Jaxjacky, at the time we felt it would be too much. In hindsight maybe we should have taken him. He did pay for both my sister and I and gave us spending money.
He's just got worse since mum died.

I do wonder if his home help might be able to help him to sort out a weekly online shopping order so that you don't need to take him yourself? If he has a favourite supermarket that would be the easiest to use as he knows what he buys there, or you could set up a "regular" shop every week at the same time on Ocado. You can also select "regular" products which are bought every week, fortnight on month which makes things easier.
One hour a week doesn't sound like enough help for him and it doesn't make sense for you and your sister to knock yourselves out trying to do everything yourselves.

Sorry, my last post obviously wasn't about your trip! I just thought the time you need to spend with him at the moment is exhausting for you and you need a break, not a "holiday" with him in Jersey which will leave you shattered.

I wish you luck and hope you are able to see this is not about the trip but about the unhealthy relationship with your father

I would go.
I'd make sure he realised he'd have to pay and I'd use a specialist company- such as:

m.disabledholidays.com/#!/search/uk-l23/channel-islands-l1325/jersey-l359/

go.limitlesstravel.org/uk/disabled-friendly-holidays/?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=11908851993&utm_keyword=holidays%20abroad%20for%20disabled&gclid=CjwKCAjwysipBhBXEiwApJOcu0aqHf8jj0SwV1WkgJUpmsrxCAeDkW5uzvv4iEOdgCG0jFDs59nk0hoCaGgQAvD_BwE&gad=1

www.enableholidays.com/jersey-2

www.yourdirection.co.uk/supported-holidays

Take one with some sort of "care package".

If he won't pay, given that he can pay, I'd say he may not want to go enough.

Good luck.

We took my mother-in-law to see her family home "one last time" aged 95.
Not in a wheelchair - so obviously easier- but fantastic support at the airport tbh.

Theexwife has made a very good point - ' why is what he wants more important than what you want ' food for thought. Of course you love your Dad and want to do what you can for him and I don't envy your dilemma!
The practicalities of this proposed trip are prohibitive, you have assessed with great care and you know what you are capable of , so please protect yourself. It would be a very tall order for anyone!! You instinct is telling you not to embark on this trip so I in your position I would take heed of my instinct. It is very difficult for you and your situation has been on my mind most of the day. Good luck , be brave . xxx

I'm thinking this involves massive effort and expense just to look at a piece of ground with nothing there. If he wants to look down at the earth that badly then he should pay for the full trip including a carer and disability support. It's really too much for you and could be a health and safety risk for both of you.

I think he can sense that you care enough to do whatever he wants, and is taking advantage of that. You need to step back and consider your own needs, whilst also making him open his wallet and pay his way because he can obviously afford it.

Hi I took an elderly man 87 on a holiday corfu. It was so stressful lucky he said I could take a friend. He chose the place everything but moaned most of the time we were there. Hassle from start to finish we booked a car to take him round the island he said yes do it book then didn’t want to go on the day. 5 restaurants on site yet he still complained. Nothing was right made comments about other guests too and we were sure they heard every word. Hassle from start to finish without my friend helping I would have been so stressed out! Unless ur sister goes I wouldn’t go alone with him. This is the funny part when we arrived home he said I would like to go on a cruise next !!!

I am disabled and need assistance at the airport . Usually there is a disabled desk near the entrance and that is your first port of call . You don’t have to book the assistance when you book your flight , as you can phone the holiday company/ airline afterwards. They can also arrange for you to be sat in a suitable seat for your dad to get to a toilet on the plane easily . It shouldn’t cost him to be allocated this seat and the adjoining seat for you as his carer .
From the assistance desk in the airport tell them you have your own wheelchair but will need someone to push it through the airport as you can’t manage . Your allocated will speedily take to to check in and security etc by taking you to the front of all the queues . He will possibly leave you in the departure lounge but come back to take you to the gate (make sure to remind him of this ) .
At the gate you will board the plane first and leave it last after everyone else has got off . This can be a bit of a wait but once your assistant comes for you he then takes you to the front of the passport queues, so it’s not a problem . In some airports they help retrieve you luggage from the carousel and take you out of the arrivals building to you bus / taxi etc . It is a great service and I’m sure you will start you holiday relaxed . Have a nice time .

As much as it is a hardship to travel, it does sound like your Dad is pining after your Mother and dealing with his grief. I would really try to make this trip happen if it were me.

We travelled with my MIL when her walking was limited. Airports are really well set up to assist with those that are handicapped if you book in advance. You can book a taxi service at the airport to get you to the hotel, and choose a hotel that accommodates wheelchairs, most do.

Can your father use a walker with a seat rather than a wheelchair? You say his walking is limited, but he can still get around short distances? They are a bit lighter to fold.

Also, once in Jersey, is there just one particular spot he wants to visit, or will you hire a car and drive around to reminisce? If it's just one spot, then get a nice hotel with a garden or view so he can sit out and enjoy the sun. If he wants to visit different spots, maybe you can get a car and driver for the afternoon.

But definitely cost out the insurance and make sure he understands.

I'm totally with Hithere and the many other posters on here. To go on your own with him is madness and he is being very selfish, dictatorial and unpleasant. Stand your ground, he either pays everything for you and your sister ( including breakfast for God's sake) or he doesn't go at all. At the end of the day he needs you more than you need him.

There are a number of posts about getting assistance at the airport. However, knowing Jersey well I would imagine that your Mum’s ashes were scattered in a special place not easily accessible by wheelchair. Even with two people it may be a huge struggle. Your father should have attended the scattering of the ashes. To expect you to take him now is utterly selfish. He is thinking only of himself. Please consider carefully how physically difficult this would be for you, even with a helper, and be prepared to tell him that you just can’t manage it.

Hello Iceandslice
(Please ignore Hithere)
I have been in a similar position when my father was much older than your dad and also very demanding. He wanted to go and look at his parents’ graves which he only visited once when he took me as a child. However in the last years of his life he became determined to visit again. What I did was make the trip alone and bring back both video and lots of photos which I loaded onto his laptop and he could look or watch at any time. He then became determined to visit his grandparents’ home where he spent all his holidays and I too spent a lot of time. I went there with my husband who made lots of video with me in some of it giving commentary. This has turned into very interesting records for all of the family as my husband then recorded my father watching the film and looking at the photos and adding his own commentary. We also found a lot on online recordings of the location. My husband put everything together so dad could watch it whenever he wanted.
What I am saying is that we did what we COULD do. He realised that he could not make the visits himself as he was almost a hundred! He was very distressed at the realisation but the grandchildren watched the videos with him and that gave him comfort. Is there a compromise like this you could reach? My very strong willed dad was close to impossible to say NO to. I don’t see it as abuse but the relationship that some men of his generation had with their daughters. He was as soft as toffee with my mum.
Alternatively is there a grandson who could accompany you both, who would benefit from hearing family stories, wait outside the accessible toilets, do the pushing and create a positive atmosphere. My dad was a different person with our son, softer and more upbeat.
Whatever you decide I wish you well.

Would it be possible to have the ashes sent to you so dad could be with them as he chose?

Ferry is a good idea if you don’t live too far away!

If you travel by train and your dad is registered as disabled you can have reduced tickets for you both with a disabled rail card,

This is a good idea too Feelingmyage55

Whatever you decide, don’t feel guilty. You do an awful lot.