My elderly dad wants to visit mums ashes abroad

Why wasn't your father with you and your sister when you scattered your mum's ashes? He could have said his 'goodbyes' then surely. He's a year older now. Seems like a case of 'locking the stable door after the horse has bolted' to me. Tell him you're trying to organise the trip to pacify him, but do nothing about it. I'm afraid that's what I would do.

There is also disabled assistance if you are travelling by train, but unless it has improved it isn't 100% reliable. My mum and I once held up the London train at York because the man who brought the ramp was on the wrong platform. I stood with the door open while he came charging down the platform to us. Fortunately my mum had a great sense of humour and thought holding up a train was funny.

Why wasn't your father with you and your sister when you scattered your mum's ashes? He could have said his 'goodbyes' then surely.

Well - yes!! Precisely!

But please don't lie about organising a trip.

Have you watched The Great Escaper, Iceandasliceplease?
I'd organise some help and take him because he might just decide to take off on his own otherwise.

I took my disabled husband to Jersey a couple of years ago. I used Enable Holidays, based in Birmingham. They arranged flights, assistance & accommodation. Jersey is quite wheelchair friendly.

I suggest looking at it in a different way. If you already have a travel agent that you know and trust use them ,otherwise look round. Here Hays have a good name. Firstly make a list , of your needs,from help getting to an airport, to help within and outside the hotel including as other have said ability of someone (male) to deal with toilet needs. So you could decide that you need a male assistant to help you once you arrive there , who could both drive a hire car, deal with y our fathers needs and provide you will local support. Or you could decide that you need to look at people who deal with taking disabled visitors away. Then you present this to the trusted travel agent and see what they have to say before you even tell your father. They will be both helpful and be aware of things you might not have thought of. Then you must be in charge, so you chose the time of the trip, so practically I would think that either late spring or early autumn would mean less people easier moving about etc.Once you have all the information at your finger tips then price the trip up at the most expensive end, so you might say you need another person with you for the whole trip and that will mean the cost of the flight and rooms etc for them for the whole trip. See what the cost would be at an expensive time of year. Then work out with the travel agent what would actually be the better time to go and the cost. Only then speak to your father and give him an ultimatum. That you are prepared to take him on the condition y ou go in this way and stay at this place etc and it will cost ---, and show him a typed breakdown of costs on the travel agents notepaper. After he has exploded about the cost etc then state that in that case you will not go. Refuse to talk about it again for some days. Then go back and say that , with a lot of effort you have found a way to do it a bit cheaper and put forward the arrangements you wanted in the first place!! He SHOULD be grateful for your efforts and choose the latter option. If he refuses or says he only wants things x or y way, you say that you have spent quite enough of your precious time trying to suit him and sort out something. That if he thinks your ideas are not good enough he is welcome to work something out for himself and then say you are not going to talk about it again until he either agrees to your way or provides another option that you are prepared to listen to!! He can still make his choice as to how and what he may do. The difference is that you also show that whilst you are willing to help out - even though he does not deserve it with his attitude - then stick to your own rules and DONT let him wangle round you to do his bidding. This way you both have choices to make, but you have made it clear that whilst you will help where you can as his daughter you are not going to be bullied by him and his mean attitude. I would also tell him that you expect him to pay for YOUR tickets and costs as it is for his benefit that yo are going not yours. Then he has the choice to make. If he says NO , that is fine, you have done your best made a lot of effort and if he dies before going there , you know it is his own fault. If he decides to go with someone other than yourself great. Make sure that you go away at the same time as he goes away with whoever so that you are not at the end of a phone if he gets in a mess!! If you are a mean and selfish person being older doesnt mean you change to be any better. There is a difference between needing to give extra help in such things as getting up and down or into a car but no excuse for being badly behaved. If you let him dominate you or make you feel guilty due to this trip , he will only carry on in the same selfish and horrible way in the future. When you have offered the above you have done more than you need to . Dont let him take over your life. If he refuses to do anything you offer, arrange to go away and if he then demands that you cancel and take him somewhere state politely that as he chose not to use any of your suggestions you have now made other plans and are not available at that time. Also you could tell him that as you have been to a lot of trouble to do all this and it has been thrown in your face that you decline to make any further plans in the future and will let him make his own choices as you will do for yourself. Good luck, tell your sister what you are doing, write yourself a note to look at to remind you why and what you are doing and let us know how things go!!!

It’s likely that the ashes were scattered somewhere which is far from wheelchair friendly Boolya. I know Jersey very well and the sort of places that I can imagine ashes being scattered are not easily accessible by wheelchair.

Say no and stick to it.

Iceandasliceplease

Hithere your comments are really unhelpful so please stop.
Jaxjacky, at the time we felt it would be too much. In hindsight maybe we should have taken him. He did pay for both my sister and I and gave us spending money.
He's just got worse since mum died.

It helps to read the whole thread.

I have a medical issue that was first discovered when I was taken ill on a holiday and ended up in hospital in Greece for ten days. I was told after that that they would only cover me for that issue in future if I booked travel insurance within two weeks of booking any part of a trip. I would recommend that you book your travel insurance at the same time as your trip, though they may not cover his pre-existing health conditions in any case.

I had just been back over the thread to find this.

Yes, they sisters thought it would be "too much" at the time. Now it's harder - but at least that first raw pain of losing your mum is now "over". I would try to do it if at all possible.

Germanshepherdsmum - I believe the OP knows where the ashes were scattered as she was there with her sister.

You’ve had a lot of helpful advice and suggestions as to how to sway the Jersey decision your way.
With regard to shopping, why not set up an Ocado delivery to be delivered at or before the time the home help arrives. She can then put the shopping away. Ocado is now linked to M&S so he can choose some of their ready meals which should reduce the time you spend cooking for him. There may be a minimum value placed on the shop for free delivery, but the charge shouldn’t break the bank if you can’t reach that sum each week. Nice to have heavy and bulky stuff carried into the house by someone else, not you!

He will definitely need health insurance on Jersey, as he is not covered by the NHS. If he falls I'll he could end up with a huge bill.

Of course she knows NS. I was simply making the point that a lot of Jersey is not as wheelchair friendly as has been suggested.

Would this help you at all?

www.disabledholidays.com/search/uk-l23/channel-islands-l1325/jersey-l359/

Many folk have had bad experiences taking aged parents away somewhere!! Dickens (as usually the case) offers sensible advice, but I see Glorianny was a bit more hopeful, trip could be doable?

I found this site disabledtravel.org.je which might offer some clues, and we watch several TV channels which have ads for an E-Foldi mobility scooter? They're at efoldi.com but if you Google E-foldi up will pop assorted links to other firms, 2nd-hand, and the like. There could well be the chance to hire such a thing in Jersey, if Mr Scrooge doesn't want to buy one?! Taxis there for the disabled are easy to book.

Did Father have any say in what happened last year? Perhaps he's regretting not going.

Iceandasliceplease I do hope you can find a travel company which can help you do this for your father. If he's difficult over things like breakfast etc just say tell him that you are doing your best to fulfil his wishes but you need to see to your needs as well ie you need help, regular meals and that he needs to pay too.
Two nights would be enough, probably.

www.jersey.com/holidays/accessible/

If it proves impossible, then you could promise him you'll scatter his ashes where your mother's are when that day comes.

Witzend

Another case of old people becoming very self-centred, selfish and demanding. I’ve seen rather too much of it.

God forbid we ever get like that! 😱

I hope so too but I fear it may happen.

GOOD LUCK PLENTY OF GOOD ADVICE WITHOUT MINE PRAYING I DONT GET LIKE THIS. OUR CHILDREN ARE BOTH IN AUSTRALIA SO WHEN WE GET A BIT OLDER NIGHTMARE FOR US MY HUBBY 74 AND ME 71 GOT TRIP BOOKED FOR NEXT YEAR

PamelaJ1

Witzend

Another case of old people becoming very self-centred, selfish and demanding. I’ve seen rather too much of it.

God forbid we ever get like that! 😱

I hope so too but I fear it may happen.

Awkward people don't change as they get older, they can become awkward elderly people.

However, some adult children do treat their elderly, less able parents like children without a mind of their own.
It's very frustrating to have the will but not the wherewithal to do the things you want to.

I'm not saying that Iceandasliceplease is doing this because she's worrying and trying her best, but some comments on the thread seem to indicate that older parents should sit in a corner quietly, do as they're told and behave themselves, their lives are more or less over.

Outline to your father all the assistance he gets each week from upu, sister and home help all in familiar surroundings. Point out if it is just you and him how does he expect to be transported, (does your Dad know how much a wheelchair weighs) and managed with personal tasks all in new surroundings . Your sister being allowed could help, but would she? It's your DFs trip at his request, costs should be down to him.

I don’t think you should go,I worry for you—— how about get the address of where your Mum’s ashes are and go on Google Maps and zoom in on the area & you could show him that for now,can you say his Dr is worried about him travelling so far.
When you finally talk to him about NOT going always put him first in the conversation,if he falls,if he fractures his hip,if he gets sick,as some people get older the world is only about them——- sorry you are having so much stress,good luck.

Ifs, buts and maybes would stop many of us from doing what we want.

It's possible to hire a private carer; I know someone who does this work, she is qualified and very experienced and she has clients whom she accompanies on trips overseas as well as on trips in this country.

Perhaps your father would consider paying for a private carer like this to accompany you both on this trip if he really wants to go?

Do you have power of attorney? If you do, you can make a decision on who needs to go. If you need a carer too, then it is OK pay for his/her expenses as well as wages, and your expenses too, as this is a legitimate expense. If you don't have power of attorney it will be worth looking into.

If you do go you must both have insurance, I know.swomw.whosw.spoise died when on a trip.from England to Ireland. It was very expensive to being their body back, as well as being very stressful.