Advice on adopted child with same sex parents

This sounds like many families' lives now, whether natural or adoptive parents, or in a same sex or heterosexual couple. I don't see it as ideal, but it is how it is now.

We have two adopted children in our immediate family, both parents worked full time with one making regular trips abroad none of which was a barrier to adopting.

The fact that this couple are same sex should not come into the equation in the 21st century. They have opened their hearts and home to a little one, seven is an age when children start asking questions and comparing their lives with their friends, nothing odd or new.

I wish the family well, and find the suggestion that they should return the child ridiculous, heartless and crass to say the least.

RosiesMaw

Curtaintwitcher

I wonder why they decided to adopt a child in the first place? Was it a novelty that has now worn off? The kindest thing would be for the child to be taken on by another member of the family who does have time to give him the care he needs.

What an appalling comment.

so many assumptions..

GrannyGravy13

We have two adopted children in our immediate family, both parents worked full time with one making regular trips abroad none of which was a barrier to adopting.

The fact that this couple are same sex should not come into the equation in the 21st century. They have opened their hearts and home to a little one, seven is an age when children start asking questions and comparing their lives with their friends, nothing odd or new.

I wish the family well, and find the suggestion that they should return the child ridiculous, heartless and crass to say the least.

completely agree

Curtaintwitcher, I assume you live up to your name, 'watching' other people and making wild assumptions! For goodness sake , these are simply busy parents, my GC have used breakfast clubs - many do. I agree this thread is in danger of being homophobic.

Thank you all for your comments. It is reassuring that this situation with both parents working is not unusual.

I will also vehemently state there is no homophobia at all. It is my son who is the UK parent here and I confess to being surprised when he agreed and went through the rigours of the adoptive process. However, his husband was desperate for a child and very family oriented, I think things may have been different if they lived nearer the other GPs but this has never been an option. It doesn’t help the situation that they live in a rural area, therefore in an unusual position. All their friends and school staff are totally supportive but the child is aware he is ‘different’
As a parent of adult children, I have always tried to keep my thoughts to myself (unless asked for opinion/advice) and arms open to support when necessary.

Maybe I have been overthinking what might never happen and thank you all for your comments.

I wouldn’t worry about the breakfast/after school clubs.
My Gdcs often attend both, and really enjoy them. Dh once arrived a bit early to collect Gds from ASC - he had to return later, Gds didn’t want to leave!

Thanks for coming back GrandMareS. I think one of the things we all wish for out GCs is that they have the happiest possible life, but we can't change things and today there are so many pressures on families. It's one of the things we have to put up with as GPs watching, unable to change things, and wanting everything to be perfect for them. All families however they are made up go through crises, they do get through them. I'm sure yours will. Good luck

Weekends are usually child based with one or the other, not often as a united unit.

Maybe this is partly why the little boy feels he's missing out.
He's effectively got two single parents taking turns to look after him, rather than feeling part of a family unit.

GrandMareS

Thank you all for your comments. It is reassuring that this situation with both parents working is not unusual.

I will also vehemently state there is no homophobia at all. It is my son who is the UK parent here and I confess to being surprised when he agreed and went through the rigours of the adoptive process. However, his husband was desperate for a child and very family oriented, I think things may have been different if they lived nearer the other GPs but this has never been an option. It doesn’t help the situation that they live in a rural area, therefore in an unusual position. All their friends and school staff are totally supportive but the child is aware he is ‘different’
As a parent of adult children, I have always tried to keep my thoughts to myself (unless asked for opinion/advice) and arms open to support when necessary.

Maybe I have been overthinking what might never happen and thank you all for your comments.

I think there are very few children who aren't "different" in some way, these days.

Same sex parents, one parent, two separate families, with half brothers and sisters in each.
Older parents, very young parents, lots of grandparents, or none.

There is a brilliant new French series on Walter Presents at the moment called Revival which had adoption identity as one of the storylines in it...

I always wonder why people find it necessary to mention the fact that a child is adopted. He/she is just the child of the family. I notice this quite a lot when people are posting on here as if adoption somehow makes a difference to what is happening. There are of course odd occasions when it may be pertinent.

Whilst most of the time it isn’t relevant sodapop, sometimes it is relevant. It doesn’t mean the child is not loved, or is viewed differently, but their life story is different and adopted children deserve to be brought up with the truth. In the case of the OP it is particularly relevant because the child in question lives with two parents of the same sex. Obviously this has to be addressed and an understandable explanation given to the child, in the same way as if a child has only ever lived with only one parent. Children deserve the truth and with truth comes understanding. My grandson was asked why he hadn’t got a mum by another child in his class. He had been given the tools to answer this question without embarrassment, and the other child understood and accepted the answer. Job done.

It seemed to me that the OP was simply giving the family
set up but everyone jumped on the 'same sex' as if she had
committed a crime, sad.

It doesn't matter that the adopted child's parents are same sex. However, I'm sure the parents have carefully explained these facets of his life to the boy.

As a sahm, apparently one of few, I thought I read of many children attending breakfast club and after school activities - normal, correct? Our children, many times had to eat toast and fruit in the car on the long drives to and from school - I also consider that normal. Our children and GC have after school activities - normal, correct?

Typically children want more siblings - normal IMO. I was one of many and never actually wanted more, just a brother, until we got one

I'd assume OP could nurture as much as she'd prefer and believe all is well and part of normal life for her grandchild.

I work with a man who, along with his husband, have adopted two beautiful boys. They only planned on adopting one but when the birth mother became pregnant again they were asked if they would consider adopting again in order to keep the siblings together. They are now both at school and are not the only children with gay parents! Both sets of GPs are very close by and are very involved. When they adopted the first child they were given a book that they could read to their son explaining the situation and apparently this has been very useful. If, for whatever reason, the marriage failed, I’m sure that they would behave just as a heterosexual couple would and share custody.

Sounds like a pretty normal family set up to me

I'd be careful not to say anything that makes this child feel as if things aren't normal... They need reassurance that their family loves them and is there for them... This will be difficult to do if it is in the back of your mind that this child is "different" because of the reasons you stated.

I understand what you are saying maddyone however being brought up with the truth about one's parentage doesn't mean it has to be mentioned each time the child is referred to.

I agree soda, and it rarely is in our family, only if it’s relevant to whatever is being spoken about.
Funnily enough, about three years ago, just after Covid, we were taking three of our grandchildren out for the day; the twins were about seven I think, maybe six, and so our other grandson would have been about sixteen months older. My little granddaughter turned to her older cousin and said ‘Why haven’t you got a mummy?’ He turned to her and said ‘I have, but she couldn’t look after me so Daddy and Dada adopted me.’ Then followed a little discussion about adoption after which his cousin announced ‘I’m going to adopt someone when I’m grown up.’
I had to suppress a smile and just said ‘That’ll be nice xxxxxx.’

halfpint1
Well pointed out , personally I have found there is a lot of unnecessary criticism on GN .
When the OP was asking for help with her concerns. 😢

Lovely comment from your grandchild maddyone would that all families were so caring.

I worked full time throughout four children, as did my husband, chikdren all went to childcare and before and after school clubs and all survived and understand about working and became very self sufficient early on.

I’m not too sure what your query/issue us, not the relationship between you and said child?

I’m an only child, I begged for siblings!

Sorry OP, I just read some your response. Please don’t worry, it sounds like you DGS is much loved and much wanted by all the family, including you and that’s the main thing.

GrandMareS as someone upthread said, we all want a "perfect" life for our grandchildren - and what seems perfect to us isn't necessarily what the family are striving for. They may be stressed abd very busy but maybe feel the need to provide a lot materially to be "good parents" - they may feel that all this work is necessary to live the way they think they should. I don't know how long they have been like this but they may soon decide that time with their little boy is more important than their career progression - though they may have plans to "retire" very young (a friend of my father sold his business at just over 40!)...

Does your grandson actually miss having both dads out with him on trips and "jollies" or is he actually quite happy I wonder?

Regarding wanting more children in the family - this happens even in larger families. We had five children but a car that seated eight and once the baby of the family was about 2 or 3 we were asked why we couldn't have a baby again - based on the fact that we could fit one in the car! It happened regularly. Not every day but probably once a week for a long time!

It’s a cute comment isn’t it soda, but while that earnest conversation was going on between the two cousins, her twin, who was listening at first, grew bored and distanced himself from the whole subject by starting up a new conversation between himself and Grandad, about his favourite subject in the world, football!
That’s children for you. Blunt, to the point, and engaged in what interests them.