nadateturbe thank you for asking. It’s a difficult and complex situation and therefore it’s difficult to answer in a straight forward way. My sister has mental health issues but apart from depression I’m unsure of the complete diagnosis, but I know she was treated by at the mental health department at the hospital for a protracted time some years ago. Her son, a doctor, thinks she may have one or more Personality Disorders, and he has suggested Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I’ve wondered about Borderline Personality Disorder, but to be honest, it could be something else, she has never told us. Suffice it to say, she has caused great pain to her family for some forty years. She estranged all of us for some seven years many years ago. None of us knew why, but she hurt our mother so very badly, also her daughter and of course myself. To be honest, she was always ‘different’ and quite cruel even as a child. I’ve wondered if she has ADHD but I’m not a doctor. She’s very complex and can be very cruel. There’s too much to write it all down to be honest. She came back to the family after treatment at the hospital. I was wary at first because I’d been so hurt. I’d had to explain to my eight year old child after she estranged us all because my child asked ‘doesn’t Auntie G……love us anymore?’ Anyway I gradually warmed towards her because of course you never stop loving the person, you just don’t like the behaviour. I supported her a lot when her husband sadly died, but after that she gradually became more cruel again. She was especially cruel to our elderly mother, often refusing to speak to her for several weeks at a time, and saying unbelievably cruel things to her. She also started being unpleasant to me again and she estranged her daughter and grandchildren, and eventually estranged one of her sons too. She has little to do with another son as well. She tells horrible lies about us all, including me, in particular after our mother died. She said I stole things and wouldn’t share the estate properly. She was nasty on the phone to me and even told the solicitor (he understood her pretty quickly) lies about me. I had held out the olive branch to her when mum was dying and she accepted it and stayed with me but as soon as she returned home there were further vile accusations. The same with her daughter who had brought her because there was a train strike. In the end my husband said to me I could have a relationship with her and accept she would upset me often, or I could think I don’t need this trauma in my life because she’ll never change and it’s too hurtful to me. I chose the latter and no longer communicate with her. I still care for her, she’s my only sibling but I accept the impossibility of having a relationship with her that is healthy and mutually beneficial.
I’m sorry it’s so long, and it’s very much a potted version. So I can’t say that forgiving would be helpful as I’ve already forgiven several times. Likewise her daughter who I love and have a lovely relationship with. My mother always forgave her and yet only a few weeks before mum’s death, she stopped speaking to her for three weeks. I felt so hurt on mum’s behalf at that. It was because my daughter visited from New Zealand and mum was so happy as she thought she’d never see my daughter again. It was indeed the last time she saw my daughter.
