Visitors popping in on off chance.

HattieTopper1

I must be honest, I hate people just dropping in on me I think it is bad mannered. I also have a friend who peers through my window and taps on it shouting yahoo, I am here. She comes all the way from Doncaster to do her shopping in my town then decides to come to me for lunch because she is too tight to buy her own.

The last time she came I was up to my elbows in painting the garden gate, wearing old clothes, had not had my morning shower as I was going to get one later after painting. I had to drop everything and start preparing lunch. She ate her meal and then said, I have got to go now and off she went.

I installed a security camera in my front window and attached it to my tablet so when I see it is her I ignore it. Then she rings me to tell me she stopped by and I said I was out and she had to ring in future before coming, but she never does so I never answer the door to her. I call her my friend but she is just someone I know through someone else who has now moved away.

I am mean aren't I.

You are not mean at all. Back in the 80s, an old retired boss of mine was guilty of ‘popping in’. My husband and I had become friendly with him and his wife when I had worked with him and we all spent many happy meals etc together. He adored our young children and called himself their third granddad.
All was fine until he retired. I was a shift worker so home a lot in the day and he, having nothing to do, I assume, kept dropping in. When the four of us were together, it was fine, but on his own he was incredibly boring! It stopped me doing my housework etc. and became really annoying. He particularly liked it in school holidays when my young children were home. Although they were very fond of him, they got fed up with his visits too as they usually interrupted some plans we had for going out. I didn’t dare use this as a reason for not letting him in though, as he would just have tagged along too!
The worst part was when a friend told me someone had told her that a man visited a lot when my husband was at work! I was mortified.
I can’t remember exactly how I put a stop to it, but probably didn’t answer the door several times in a row, which maybe dropped a hint. (I had repeatedly asked him to phone to make arrangements before just dropping in but it fell on deaf ears). Why are people so thick-skinned sometimes?

My ex-inlaws would never ring to say they were on their way over, and if they did make arrangements, they would just never turn up, even one Christmas when I'd made up extra beds, prepared all the food, and the kids were waiting for them to arrive so they could open their presents - they just never turned up, and later just casually stated they couldn't be bothered! They expected everyone to drop everything for them at a whim, no matter what. But the final straw was when, in early January one year, they turned up with my DHs aunt and uncle I'd never met. I had 4 small children and was pregnant. My youngest was in a nappy (which he soiled just before they arrived!) with his breakfast down his vest, and I was in desperate need of a shower, and hadn't even put a brush through my hair. But I had decided that as the (real) Christmas tree needed to come down, I would chop it up on the lounge floor (as it was rather large) and clear up all the needles as quickly as possible, whilst putting a barrier of toy boxes and furniture across the room so that my little one couldn't crawl through the needles and hurt himself. Of course, that is when they all arrived! They could have phoned and said they were on their way and I'd at least have had 15 minutes to change the dirty nappy and put clothes on us both (the other children were luckily all dressed and washed). Consequently, I always wondered what the aunt and uncle must've thought of me and wondered if that's how we lived! I spent their whole (long) visit (where M-in-law expected me to wait on them all AND didn't lift a finger with the children either AND trying to 'entertain' in a lounge where you couldn't get to half the chairs due to the huge mess), uncomfortable, embarrassed and couldn't concentrate on being sociable. And they'd given themselves time to wash, dress, have their breakfast etc at their leisure, and arrive looking their best, but didn't give me the same respect!
And I might add, we're all different and cope differently with things, and yes, of course there are reasons that unless you know a person well enough to know how they feel about these things, it is rude and actually, rather unkind to just turn up with no notice when notice could easily be given.. I am an introvert and find socialising quite difficult, but I can cope so much better if I can mentally prepare beforehand. Why should someone expect you to drop everything at their whim just because it suits them, with no regard to if it suits you?
Of course, my AC and families are always welcome at any time, but we know each other so well. It's people who know me enough to know how difficult I find it, but who still expect to just drop by when it suits them, and don't even have the manners to ask if I'm busy, and just expect me to cancel any plans, that really upset and annoy me.

HattieTopper1

I must be honest, I hate people just dropping in on me I think it is bad mannered. I also have a friend who peers through my window and taps on it shouting yahoo, I am here. She comes all the way from Doncaster to do her shopping in my town then decides to come to me for lunch because she is too tight to buy her own.

The last time she came I was up to my elbows in painting the garden gate, wearing old clothes, had not had my morning shower as I was going to get one later after painting. I had to drop everything and start preparing lunch. She ate her meal and then said, I have got to go now and off she went.

I installed a security camera in my front window and attached it to my tablet so when I see it is her I ignore it. Then she rings me to tell me she stopped by and I said I was out and she had to ring in future before coming, but she never does so I never answer the door to her. I call her my friend but she is just someone I know through someone else who has now moved away.

I am mean aren't I.

This really made me laugh. The lengths you have to go to! You are definitely not being mean, she’s plain rude. Especially so having seen she interrupted your painting job, she should have said sorry I see you are busy, I’ll go, and let her. I’d probably prefer to say it would be helpful if you called ahead as I’m often busy. Mind you, this way you might never have to feed her again! She doesn’t sound much of a friend so no loss there.

What a complete nightmare CornflowerBlue. They sound the rudest of rude people. And with you having four young children. AND being pregnant. AND expecting to be fed and entertained. I think that’s plain nasty actually and the height of bad manners. I was going to say why would anybody do this, but back in the day, it was much more common for folk to just turf up, in the 70s it happened all the time, then less so as everybody got phones maybe.

In the eighties, I had my parents and my dad’s visiting relatives from abroad for Sunday lunch (we called it Sunday dinner then, not sure when that changed). I was well prepared and really pushed the boat out with the food and the house was spotless and the children were excited to meet these relatives. We numbered 9 around the dining table and were in the middle of eating when the doorbell rang. My brother in law and his new girlfriend and the hairy dog turfed up unannounced having driven 120 miles without so much as a call to ask if we would be in. It ruined my day, I didn’t enjoy my relative’s visit because I was running between two rooms trying to feed the callers and cope with a hairy dog I didn’t want in the house. If I’d known they were coming, I’d have suggested another day or we could have had a buffet dinner for all and it would have been ok, but I hated that day in the end after really looking forward to it.

Decades ago my parents would pop into to see their siblings and families on a Sunday after church and there was always open house. The kettle would be put on or beers popped open from the cellar and everyone would socialise with their peers. I did have one aunty who would not open the door or who would be very short if you called uninvited. We knew not to contact her and would even send a post card and she would respond at her convenience.

Tuaim

Just musing. Do GNetters mind friends popping in on the off chance for a cuppa or do you prefer to make arrangements for your diary? I must confess that I did not answer the 'phone yesterday to a dear friend as I was hot, had loads to do and could not cope with an hour or two of all her woes. Bit mean of me, I know, but I do care for my boundaries now I am becoming elderly.

Great thread Tuaim. I have mixed feelings on it, I used to love friends just dropping by, but as the years pass it happens less and less. If somebody does just turn up, which is quite rare I’m always pleased to see them, but my choice would be by arrangement now.

Everyone I know now always texts or calls to check it is ok to drop in and I do the same! I think with mobile phones the days of dropping by unannounced have gone. A quick text to organise a meet up is so easy and convenient to do. People seem to lead much busier lives nowadays maybe.

My children are always popping unannounced, they all (including partners) have keys.

However, I do not like visitors popping in unexpectedly, mainly because my ill health means I am often having a lie down and I do not like people to see me unwell.
One person from my church would continually ring the bell and bang on the the door, if my car was there. On one occasion, I was feeling really poorly, he came round the back and started shouting through the open door.
I didn't want to see him and eventually he got the message.

DH is not good at filtering visitors, he just invites everyone in!

I find all meet ups/visits are arranged now mostly by text even DD usually checks we are about. Now I’m older I find this much better. I learnt long ago not to just drop by myself after turning up somewhere I wasn’t wanted when I was very young, so you won’t find me on the doorstep!

I love having people visit BUT I do like to be warned they are popping in. Likewise I would never just pop in unannounced to someone else.

It’s so easy to contact people now. Home number, mobile, text a quick message to say are you home? Ok if I pop in?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'd hate the idea that friends have to make an appointment days or weeks in advance to see me, or for me to see them.
I love it when people turn up out of the blue. Sometimes the house is lovely and tidy, and sometimes, its not. So what?

If I have to go out for an appointment, I'll just say so, and arrange to see each other soon. If not, could be just for a cuppa, or they will stay for impromptu simple meal and a good natter. Lovely.

I must admit I don't turn up on people's doors unless there's a special reason but I quite like people knocking on mine. It's mainly family but the odd person comes in occasionally and they just have to take me how they find me. It's the conversation that matters not the state of the house in my book

I should live to have someone pop in unmounted for a cuppa and chat. Sadly my closest friends have now all died.

Gummie

Calendargirl

No, I would hate visitors coming unannounced. Don’t mind my adult son, DIL or GC’s dropping in, not that they do really, but certainly don’t want anyone else.

My sister and brother in law are staying nearby soon, and they will come for lunch one day, but that is pre-arranged.

Can remember when I was young relatives coming to visit unexpectedly on Sunday afternoons. Mum always had tins of salmon to make sandwiches, then tins of fruit and evaporated milk for afters, plus always some jam tarts or similar.

They obviously came for a matter and a free tea. Not much else to do back then, and dropping in on people seemed the ‘norm’.

🫖🥪🍰

Me too. A cuppa tea with a pal who drops in and one whose door is open when you need a natter is golden.

A far better life then than having to chat to strangers on the internet.

Ah I've quoted the wrong comment and can find no way to delete my post.

This is a difficult forum to navigate sometimes

Fleurpepper

I'd hate the idea that friends have to make an appointment days or weeks in advance to see me, or for me to see them.
I love it when people turn up out of the blue. Sometimes the house is lovely and tidy, and sometimes, its not. So what?

If I have to go out for an appointment, I'll just say so, and arrange to see each other soon. If not, could be just for a cuppa, or they will stay for impromptu simple meal and a good natter. Lovely.

Totally agree. I'm not royality. Pop in and see me.

What do you mean about being "zen" about it? Clearly I am living on another planet.

I like to be prepared for people coming, which in my case usually involves cleaning, tidying up etc. On the other hand, after the initial surprise/annoyance of people just popping in I quite like it because it is usually an enjoyable experience, there's no hassle or anxiety about being prepared, and no one seems to mind.

I love it, life’s too short not to enjoy friends who want to see me.

Poppy red
We had a friend who used to call in early on Sunday morning while we were having a lie in as we were working all week,
He would bring his kids and let them run riot around the house while he read our Sunday paper , I would make him a cup of tea , he said once that his wife was having a lie in. !!!
Next time he called we didn’t answer the door , he soon got the message , and stopped calling

I dont live near enough to family who would be welcome to pop in for a cuppa and a chat which would be for an hour. As they all live a distance awy it would be for much longer than an hour. And I would need warning of that especially now DH is in very poor health.
Four years ago a cousin dropped by at the beginning of covid when I was very vulnerable to infection as I was about to start chemo. We were just about to have supper. He should have rung ahead and we would have said no. But in he came having spent the afternoon at a hospital visit. I felt like death and was more than annoyed he was unmasked and hugging DH and I. I had to be almost rude to get rid of him and then neither of us felt like our supper and quite upset. Which in view of my very low weight and DHs poor health was not good for either of us.
Relation was just thinking about himself and I think that sums up what others have said about umnselcome guests.
Cornflowerblues in laws sound horrendous. And as the younger woman I expect she felt unable to say "not convenient". Or p* off.

How lovely to have people popping in! That said if it’s someone who just wants to offload their negativity then I wouldn’t have a go-ahead vibe with them in any case.
As we get older ,with friends dying , I welcome all of my friends. But I’m not always at home so we do tend to set a time.
My house is not always tidy and no one cares less. We want to see each other not the house. I even have friends who come over and spontaneously wash the dishes. I err outdoors go the same for them. Lovely to be relaxed and welcoming and welcomed in a world full of hatred and wars!

Well as long as they take me as they find me! If you’re busy grow a pair and tell them! Being nice for a few minutes doesn’t hurt…they liked you enough to come and see you so be kind.

There is absolutely no right or wrong response, it's very much a personal thing as to whether you would welcome an impromptu visit. Posters on this thread have given a multitude of absolutely understandable reasons why such visits are ignored or not met with an overwhelming welcome. The off chance visitor can not know what's going on in the home they are visiting, illness, trying to get on with something difficult, walking into a domestic, eating a meal, a desire to be alone for whatever reason, work, childcare. I think unless you know the person you're visiting won't mind the drop in, best to make some sort of contact first.