Late Daughter's husband

I think other posters have said some really wise things. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child at any age is one of the hardest things that anyone has to go through. Your grief for your daughter is different from her husband’s grief. I have seen four very close friends, men and women, go through sudden and/or early bereavement (of partners) and all have been very different over things like other relationships. Two in particular started seeing people very soon afterwards, I think out of desperate loneliness. I think it is brilliant that you are seeing a lot of your grandchildren and I wonder if you can focus on what an important thing it is you are doing by being very present in their lives. You are a link to their mother, you will remind them of her even in ways they cannot articulate at their young age. They need every bit of love and care and time you are giving them - even though I know it must at times be exhausting doing childcare when you are worn out with grief. I am so sorry for your great loss and glad for your grandchildren that they have you as well as their dad to help them through losing their mum.

I am very sorry that your daughter has died Fionamay10.
If I were in your shoes, I'd welcome your son in law warmly. Poor man might be worried over what kind of a response he'll receive regarding his new relationship.
If his intention is to make the relationship permanent I would gently say (if it seems appropiate) that you very much want to continue the relationship you have with your grandchildren and please will he ensure that will be the case with his new partner. In other words, I would let him know that you want to remain a part of the family as that would be my concern. I hope all goes well.

The OPs closing lane is, “What should we say to him”

That you understand his loss and hope he finds happiness for himself and family. When he does make his choice, which may take some time, don’t be intrusive, give them space and make his new partner welcome.

The worst thing you can do is to make him choose between you and a new partner because you will loose.

Well said, Daivd.

Oops!

David 🤣

My Mum used to say that finding a new partner quickly after a spouse's death showed that the marriage had been a happy one. The bereaved spouse was keen to repeat the experience, whereas an unhappy widow(er) would not be keen to risk tying themself into another unhappy marriage.
There's some comfort in that outlook.

Yes, exdancer, I've heard that argument before too, and specifically from a professor of the psychology of human happiness.

After 47 yrs of marriage, my priority was to find a new partner that was compatible with my 3 daughters, I am lucky I found a gem they accepted without reservation
I’ve seen other families descend into chaos when dad remarried the wrong woman.

Grief is complex and highly personal to the individual. However distressing others find the bereaved person's actions and new relationships I think it is absolutely essential not to judge them or communicate adverse judgements to them or about them to others. That's not easy, I'm sure, but I think it the best way forward.

I think that the timing of new relationships partly depends upon how long the illness has lasted. Grieving will often begin when a diagnosis is first given and the surviving partner may have had time to get used to being on their own.

Furthermore, it is often easier for the surviving partner to talk to strangers than it is for them to talk to close family about their feelings.

I am aware that it is a different relationship but when my Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers my grieving began. At first it was simple things, seeing women my age at the time (39) out shopping and lunching with their mothers. Something that I could no longer do. When she eventually died I left the nursing home feeling as though a great weight had been lifted from me.

how did things go fiona?