Looking after grandchildren

There were a few times when I felt like saying " am handing in my notice. You can get a Norland Nanny"
Or ,that's OK, I'll send you the invoice.

Seriously, the way that grandma is treated is unacceptable.
She needs to set out some boundaries.

I never planned on looking after my grandchildren, and told my daughter that before she had them.

Of course, I'd have them on a "when needed" basis, but I was working full time myself.

My late MIL told us to never ask her for childcare. We never did and eventually she wanted one to one with them. She never got it.

You get one shot at being a parent and one shot at being a grandparent.
I always helped out with my grandchild, the time flies so quickly. Very understandable that it's not for everyone. I wanted to do it and really enjoyed helping out.

crazyH

No surprise. Grandparents you have to be upfront with the parents . When my youngest son had his children, I was straight and said that I would help out with baby-sitting occasionally, but that I would not be able to do daily nursery runs, etc. I was already committed to helping out with my daughter’s children, and had a part-time job too. It was a bit awkward at first, but I felt no guilt, as my d.I.l. had young parents, and besides, my son could afford childcare , if required .

This seems unfair to your son, that you will have your daughter's children but not his...

I don't understand how Madeline45 can be a Waspi. I was born in 1946 and I received a full pension when I reached 60 after working 40 years or so - part-time when DC were young and about 20 years full time.

Kamj- on the face of it, it does seem unfair. But these were the circumstances- daughter’s marriage was falling apart - her husband (now ex) , spent more time on the golf course than earning a living. She was the main earner and worked all hours. I have 2 sons. The one who asked me to do nursery runs, was and is a high earning Neurosurgeon My d.i.l. did not need. to work. Besides, her parents ran their own businesses and had several employees. So they could be available at any time. My daughter had only one income as a Pharmaceutical Rep - 2 young children. Unlike my son, she had to work. I will say this, her in-laws helped with the school runs. But,all is well now and my relationship with my son and d.i.l. is fine. I think they understood.

I never wanted children as knew it would be really hard work. At 37 I left the City to set up a dating agency before they became fashionable. My husband agreed when we married that there would be no babies. I was a housewife type, no ambition, just trying to survive financially. He casually mentioned that it was now or never and we agreed to try for a baby knowing no help would be available from family.
Fast forward, our wonderful son was born and it was no where near as bad as I imagined. He was on the intelligent side and rather bored before starting school meaning many sleepless nights. He’s 35 now and I’m 73. He knows I couldn’t cope with daily child care. As for me I worked during labour and back to work three days later. I’m not superwoman so had various au pairs and then a junior student nanny who was his favourite and came on holiday with us. My question is what happened to having a live in au pair? Money?

Same here! 🤣 We are both 67 and look after a grandchild 2 long days a week. We also do occasional weekend overnight stays. I offered to do it, we love the child to bits, but it's hard. We, like the lady in the article, would like to feel appreciated more often. Sometimes we can't do right for doing wrong

I was 67 hen the youngest was born - she’s coming up to 10 now. Two more followed, now 8 and 5. We did one day a week with the eldest until no. 2 arrived only 15 months later. However I knew 2 such little ones would be too much- we helped with childcare costs instead.

However I/we still do one-offs and emergencies, and usually have all 3 for a few days at half term (dd and SiL both work full time.) Dd has to go away for work now and then, often for a week or more at a time, so I’ll go and stay to help SIL, especially with the breakfast/morning school rush. They live 60 miles away so I can’t pop in and out.

crazyH, thanks for setting out the practical reasons one adult child may need more support than another. We had to give financial support to one child for very good reason. The other child totally understood. We altered our will accordingly .

Kamj

crazyH

No surprise. Grandparents you have to be upfront with the parents . When my youngest son had his children, I was straight and said that I would help out with baby-sitting occasionally, but that I would not be able to do daily nursery runs, etc. I was already committed to helping out with my daughter’s children, and had a part-time job too. It was a bit awkward at first, but I felt no guilt, as my d.I.l. had young parents, and besides, my son could afford childcare , if required .

This seems unfair to your son, that you will have your daughter's children but not his...

Our children have all had different needs at different times. Some needed support though small rough patches, others didn't.

One of our daughter was a young widow, we financially supported her, totally expecting our other 3 daughters to understand - they did.

Catterygirl

I never wanted children as knew it would be really hard work. At 37 I left the City to set up a dating agency before they became fashionable. My husband agreed when we married that there would be no babies. I was a housewife type, no ambition, just trying to survive financially. He casually mentioned that it was now or never and we agreed to try for a baby knowing no help would be available from family.
Fast forward, our wonderful son was born and it was no where near as bad as I imagined. He was on the intelligent side and rather bored before starting school meaning many sleepless nights. He’s 35 now and I’m 73. He knows I couldn’t cope with daily child care. As for me I worked during labour and back to work three days later. I’m not superwoman so had various au pairs and then a junior student nanny who was his favourite and came on holiday with us. My question is what happened to having a live in au pair? Money?

I don't know anyone who would have a spare bedroom for an au pair....Young families are living in much smaller homes these days

I'm 59 with 3 GD ....was 50 when I became a granny....I was fine looking after them as babies ....but the toddler stage is hard work.....now they are 9, 6 and 6 they are much easier ....i generally pick them up from school once a week and they sleep over once a month .....when its all 3 together its a bit full on but I don't mind ....I also look after them for a few days at a time if parents go away....but tell them to make sure they book a break during school week so its easier on me

Another old thread...

madeleine45

I was born in 1945 and somehow friends of my generation seem to have rather drawn the short straw. Still rationing definitley sweets til about 1953 , and many other things. We lived in Yorkshire and walked 3/4mile to school for infants and juniors, and then about half a mile to railway station and a journey to the grammar school, and another half mile at the other end to walk , come hail come shine. As teenagers then , we were expected do our share of jobs, go and get shopping etc , with a very small amount of pocket money. No telling the adults what you would and wouldnt do. Then an adult , married and saving and working hard to get
started with a home. Happy to have second hand furniture until we could save to have what we would like. Then with a family but not living anywhere near relatives , only sorted any childcare with friends and share and share alike. Then later the mortgage went up to 15% and our careful budget was wrecked and we scrimped and saved to keep going. As all parents we did without to bring up the family , and by the time they were teenagers they had far more opportunities than we had had. Then they moved away and we helped where we could to set them up. The grandchildren come along and we are delighted to see them but now it is not the pleasure of them coming to stay for a few days or you taking them out as it fitted in with the family. If we are anywhere near our children we are having to make serious commitments to childcare, whether that is being part of the actual after school care each week, or ferrying them to and fro, or having to cancel our plans to look after a sick child as their parents cant have sudden time off from work etc.
One of my oldest friends and I had plans to see much more of each other when we retired. Due to her son being on a two year course in the south east - which will be beneficial in the long run - She and the other grandmother are taking week and week about travelling down to stay and look after the children, because child care is so expensive there. Of course we want to help our families and do our best but at the age of 79 we have managed a couple of lunchs together meeting in the middle, but havent even been able to have a couple of days b and b , never mind having a week together. We also of course were the Waspi women, where our carefully planned retirement was ruined by the retiring date going up and up and again all your sensible planning came to nothing. I have had some great times and love my family as do all my friends , but now we are seen as the oldies who are getting all the houses or hospital beds etc etc, with no acknowledgment of our hard work and efforts for the community. So watch out for the pink pigs flying overhead. Let me know wont you as that will be the day I will feel well, have the time and money to go out and have a good day with my friend!! If there is reincarnation I am definitely coming back a as a cat!!!

I'm not quite as old, 67, but know exactly what you're getting at.
Well said