To Have Or Not To Have Children

Indigo8

I had been married quite a long time before I had children, partly because we delayed for financial reasons and partly because it took a while before I conceived the first time.

I never discussed it with my immediate family or close friends but several acquaintances and work colleagues assumed that I had chosen to be child free. Several people thought it was a good thing as I obviously wasn't the maternal type and others thought it was selfish of me to not want children. I had not wanted to discuss my childlessness with any of these people let alone asked for their opinions. I still don't understand why they thought I had to defend my perceived position.

I don't think there is such a stigma attached to choosing to be childless as society is generally more tolerant of people who don't tread the well worn path of conventional behaviour. Also we are more aware of the fragility of the world than previous generations have been.

IMO nobody should have to justify having or not having children to anybody.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Babs03

No reasons or justifications needed, people should really not have to explain.

You’re right, although I think when people have made a conscious choice, they are usually quite happy to volunteer their reasons and talk about it, it’s those who didn’t, who have regrets, who are understandably more reluctant.

No need to explain why you’re child free, absolutely no one’s business but yours.
But I’d like a woman to explain why she’s got 6 kids by 6 different men, living on benefits, & shouting & screaming at them all day.

Some people who made a concious choice in my generation not to have children had endless grief from parents & in-laws over that decision, so I guess they too wouldn't want to justify their choice in casual conversation.
Hopefully nowadays we are less focused on women as child-bearers first & foremost & families are more accepting. Although in some cultures & sub-cultures it's still quite a difficult thing to explain I think.

Kandinsky

No need to explain why you’re child free, absolutely no one’s business but yours.
But I’d like a woman to explain why she’s got 6 kids by 6 different men, living on benefits, & shouting & screaming at them all day.

Why is that your business either?

mum2three

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

Are you implying that if you can't afford to be a stay at home mum or simply want a career you should not have children?

The birthrate is already falling and if this were to become the norm we would have an ageing population with almost nobody to look after them. It is already a potential problem as even now the death rate is greater than the birth rate.

By your reckoning I and many like me, should not have had children and were not proper mothers. I don't remember being happy for someone else to bring them as we both tried to be with our children as much as possible and I don't think they feel they were brought up by somebody else. Mind you we were never in the tiny minority that could afford a full-time nanny. Cheek.

grandMattie

I admire people who decide they won’t have children, for whatever reason. Children should be wanted. How many are not and have a miserable life?

I wanted children more than anything in the world.

Totally up to people themselves isn’t it? Not as if more people are needed on this planet.
Some women aren’t cut out to be mothers and some men certainly not cut out to be fathers.
I didn’t feel madly maternal before having my twins but after they were born realised that I am supermaternal!I have a lot of time for any small children I come across.

Deciding not to have children is a choice some people make , others make a choice to have children. Those that don't want children should not have to justify their decision. It's no big deal - don't have children or do have children!
Nothing to do with anyone else.

My GD decided some time ago she didn’t want children.
Now in a serious relationship she hasn’t changed her mind and her partner agrees.
They are happy to agree on this decision.

Why is that your business either?

It is my business if my taxes are paying for them!

I know of someone in a long term relationship who said for many years she didn’t want children. Then had supposedly changed her mind. Her mum thought it probably as she was of an age when her friends were having them.
4 years down the line the relationship is on the rocks. Apparently the child was meant to be a sticking plaster. Didn’t work and the grandparents (friends of mine) are left for most of the time holding the baby. I feel so sorry for my friends but it’s a tricky situation offering support but at a time when retirement is around the corner.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work.

I went back to work full time when both of mine were three months old. I loved my job, and I would have gone stark raving mad being stuck at home all day with them, so they were better off at nursery or with their grandparents. They were happy, healthy and very independent from an early age. Nowadays, most parents both have to work simply to be able to afford their mortgages and other bills. If women choose to stay at home and be full time mums, that's great for them - I take my hat off to them - but please don't denigrate those of us who chose a different path. In this day and age, be thankful that we now have that choice.

I would have gone stark raving mad being stuck at home all day with them, so they were better off at nursery or with their grandparents

That’s actually really sad.

No, no regrets. None to make you laugh, non to make you cry.

Kandinsky

*I would have gone stark raving mad being stuck at home all day with them, so they were better off at nursery or with their grandparents*

That’s actually really sad.

Why? Do you think it affected the happiness and long term life chances of the children to have a happy and fulfilled mother who wasn’t with them 100% of the time? I highly doubt that. Stop judging.

Kandinsky

*I would have gone stark raving mad being stuck at home all day with them, so they were better off at nursery or with their grandparents*

That’s actually really sad.

Why? They didn't miss out on anything. Both my husband and I spent plenty of time with them when we weren't at work. We accompanied them to all their hobbies such as horse riding and football, after school activities and so on. They had two parents who loved them and supported them in everything they did. Most children now are in full time nursery from three and then at school, so it's not much different.

Cossy

mum2three

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

I think you’ll find those of us who had to work as no real choice, or choose to work as had great careers, including me, are all “proper mothers”

A very rude and patronising remark!

It's best to ignore comments like this, as they are clearly designed to be hurtful. I could say that people who are so narrow minded as to only be able to see one way of doing things are unsuited to parenthood, but I wouldn't be so rude.

mum2three

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

Goodness. Rude comment.

We've 4 living children and 4 children await us in Heaven.

We chose to have all our children. We chose for me to be a sah-parent. How dare you say those who work outside their homes are not proper mothers?

How lucky to have the choice.

Just saying - many cannot have children but would like to have had the choice.

I would just like to say to anyone out there who has had problems or who is close to someone who had problems, that I realise that is not a matter of choice for many people who experience infertility, miscarriages and neonatal mortality.

My heart goes out to you.

There are many ways of bringing up children and one parent devoting all their time to nurturing them, is only one of many successful methods or raising children.

It is a very egocentric and narrow mindset that thinks there is only one way to bring up children and that is their way.

I think that as long as the two people involved are on the same page then it usually works out. I remember someone telling me that her friend wanted children but her partner didn't. The friend 'forgot' to take the pill and became pregnant, her partner bullied her into having an abortion.

No one’s business except the person concerned. I know of one person who wanted to have children minus a partner so she had 2 children by donor. I think that is rather selfish because she depends very heavily on her aging parents and doesn’t work herself so doesn’t pay for any of their needs. I would never open my mouth to say that ,though. Her parents are worn out by it all.

I was annoyed with the Pope a while back, when he said that people should stop having dogs (not literally) and have children. Sorry I know you're poorly at the moment Pope, and essentially we human beings are here on this earth to propagate the species, but it's up to the individual. People, and in particular women should be free to make their own choices about the matter and no one should be guilt tripped into having children if that's not for them and with the state of the world at the moment, I can't say I blame anyone for not wanting to go forth and procreate.

I wouldn't judge ( if that's the right word ) anyone who decided not to have children right now .
Infact I myself would would think long and hard before starting one myself if I was young now .