To Have Or Not To Have Children

No. Anyone who doesn't feel they want children should not have them - for the child's sake. Why would anyone want children to grow up with parents who had not wanted them?

TerriBull

I was annoyed with the Pope a while back, when he said that people should stop having dogs (not literally) and have children. Sorry I know you're poorly at the moment Pope, and essentially we human beings are here on this earth to propagate the species, but it's up to the individual. People, and in particular women should be free to make their own choices about the matter and no one should be guilt tripped into having children if that's not for them and with the state of the world at the moment, I can't say I blame anyone for not wanting to go forth and procreate.

The only way to save this Earth is for the population to decrease, not increase.

I've never understood why Popes and Catholic priests, who are supposedly celibate, are so keen for women to keep producing children, especially when many are too poor to feed the ones they already have.

Generally people will always comment on others situations. It's the same with having one child....it's either 'poor child on their own' or 'oh they will be spoilt/selfish' - I hate these labels.

Nobody else's husiness why couples don't want children. No one has to give a reason why either. We had and wanted three children but friends of our didn't want any for the simple reason they wanted a carefree life and good for them. Children do make you poor.

As I am 73 that ship has long since sailed, and it is absolutely none of my business what other people decide to do regarding having or not having children.

There have always been times when the world looked dire, and not one that anyone would want to bring children into, but most of us arrived none the less.

Personally, I like being here, and am glad that the existence of the atomic bomb did not deter my parents from having children.

But then, I happen not to believe that the world is worse now than it was at any time in the past - the problems are not the same, but the sum of them is fairly constant.

Back in the 1980’s after we got married we were asked multiple times why we didn’t have children which was very upsetting as I had a health condition that was stopping me from conceiving. I did eventually have children, but would never question anyone on this subject its none on my business why a person doesn’t have any children

My sister married quite a bit later than me, after I had had my two children.
A little while after the marriage she rang me to ask "Does having a baby hurt?". When I replied "yes, but it's worth it" or something similar, she replied "I don't think I will then!"
She and her husband were devoted to each other and seemed to lead a very happy life until she sadly died of cancer three years ago. I guess it's horses for courses. I've never regretted having mine!

The world does need more children. With aging populations, who do you think is going to pay taxes to look after you and care for you in your old age?

The decision whether to have children is one many people make for all sorts of reasons. I know people who have decided they don't want them and I respect their right to choose. I always assumed we would have children though my ex and I never actually discussed it. My first child was unplanned but for me was a very happy accident!

What does really upset me is anyone feelinng they have the right to question any couple about their decisions or even ask about their plans. I was over 30 when I married and my ex was a few years younger. His parents had the audacity to ask when we planned to start a family when we visited them at Christmas, less than a month after our wedding! My new husband said " But you di approve as she had sugdn't have me until you had been married for 4 years!" The response from my FiL was "Ah, but I didn't marry someone older than myself!"

I knew MiL didn't approve as she had suggested early in our relationship that he "Find someone younger and slimmer!" When I eventually produced a grandchild for them after 4 years of marriage, I was suddenly referred to as "My lovely daughter in law!"

Sadly MiL never took to her other DiL, who is now separated from my ex's brother. and their two children live in separate countries and rarely see each other. Nor has she accepted my ex's new partner, who she no longer sees, though she keeps in touch with me despite the divorce. I gained her favour eventually but I feel sorry for her as she lives alone and is probably lonely in her old age.

Not sure how a bit I deleted ended up in the middle of another sentence. I wish there was an edit button!

Both myself and my husband wanted children. When they were born we did struggle financially especially in the late 80s and early 90s when mortgage interest rates went sky high.
So I had to return to work to enable us to live, for the first few years it was only 18 hours per week and my wonderful parents helped look after them. As they got older I increased my hours.
I fully regard myself as a “proper” mum, and my late husband was a brilliant Dad who they both adored. They both say they had a wonderful childhood.
I fully support anyone’s decision not to have children just as I support any parent who needs or wants to work. As long as children feel wanted, loved and cared for.

I chose not to have children. When I met my DH and we became a couple, I was very honest about my feelings about having children and explained my less than perfect childhood. My now DH felt the same and we have never regretted our choice. People do assume that there is some medical reason why we didn't start a family and I always explain that it was a conscious decision on our part. We have had a wonderful 50 years together, have lots of friends, have family members with children and have enjoyed travelling abroad. I have never understood why people might suggest that it is a selfish decision. Each to their own.

Casdon

Babs03

No reasons or justifications needed, people should really not have to explain.

You’re right, although I think when people have made a conscious choice, they are usually quite happy to volunteer their reasons and talk about it, it’s those who didn’t, who have regrets, who are understandably more reluctant.

This is a generalisation not based on fact. Ours was a conscious choice and we are definitely not happy to volunteer our reasons and talk about it. In fact we are absolutely reluctant to do so. Our choice, our business not for discussion.

Judy54

Casdon

Babs03

No reasons or justifications needed, people should really not have to explain.

You’re right, although I think when people have made a conscious choice, they are usually quite happy to volunteer their reasons and talk about it, it’s those who didn’t, who have regrets, who are understandably more reluctant.

This is a generalisation not based on fact. Ours was a conscious choice and we are definitely not happy to volunteer our reasons and talk about it. In fact we are absolutely reluctant to do so. Our choice, our business not for discussion.

It’s entirely up to you what you disclose to others about any aspect of your life Judy54. I have never asked anybody why they don’t have children, what I have found though is that they volunteer the information, in normal conversation. Each to their own.

Barleyfields

It’s a personal decision but I always wonder how many have decided not to have children and then regretted their decision when it’s too late.

I worked with someone who didn't want children. Early 40 s she had a hysterectomy and then a breakdown because she couldn't have children. Ok in another job I worked with a man whose wife went through the same thing. Both women ended up with dogs who were their babies.

I've also had friends/colleagues who didn't seem to have any regrets.

I'm not sure how anyone could predict how it would turn out.

Allira my father was Catholic, my mother wasn't. By their 2nd anniversary the had a one year old and a new born . My mother said the day after I was born the parish priest called to see her (and me probably.) I was the second baby.

She told me he sat on the bed, took her hand and asked if my father or her in laws were pressuring her to have babies and that it wasn't something she should feel pressured about. He left telling her he was going to have a word with my father. It was 5 years before another baby came along.

She was very embarrassed and when I was an adult said the only Catholic thing that embarrassed her more was when she had baby 3 and the midwife was a nun. She said it was awful that the nun knew what she and my father had been doing. I reassured that it would not come as a shock to a qualified midwife.

We chose not to have children. We were lucky enough for that it was a choice and not something outside of our control.

Over the years very few people have ever asked me about the decision. When they do, I happily tell them.

It's an individual choice and no -one else's business. I was very blessed to have five healthy children. I was also a GP and worked about two thirds
time. I loved my job too and feel I was so fortunate to have both a big family an d a career. If anything suffered it was we had little time to pursue our own interests and our time as a couple was limited but we made the most of it. No regrets at all.

watermeadow

The world does need more children. With aging populations, who do you think is going to pay taxes to look after you and care for you in your old age?

I have heard that argument several times. It's a short-term concern.

Sorry, but if the world population increased even more then the effects on the Earth would be catastrophic.

theworriedwell that priest sounds rather sensible!
But I'm not surprised your mother was embarrassed.

Every child should be wanted and loved.Fortunately, these days it is easier to be open about any negative feelings on this matter, and to make what you think will be the right decision for you - and your partner / spouse, if you have one.
However, there are still many who do want a child of their own - and then discover for one biological reason or another that it is not that easy. And have to accept that - in spite of IVF and other scientific advances- it is not going to happen. For that reason alone we should all refrain from having expectations of others, and making what could be hurtful comments.

Housing and childcare costs these days can be astronomical, and not everyone has free childcare on tap from grandparents. These are serious concerns for responsible people.

And our world once again seems to be entering a very dangerous phase. But wars, plagues and famine have always been with us throughout history.Children have been our hope for the future, and given meaning and purpose to our lives over centuries.

I do now think myself that there are opportunity costs to whatever people decide, which may not become evident for many years.I had a good relationship with my own mother; but put off having my own children with my husband for a number of years because she told me how bitterly she resented having to give up her first professional job and her independence after marriage to my father - an older man.And then having children in her early twenties - in a home hundreds of miles away from the rest of her family.

Having my own - always much loved - children I will admit was sometimes boring, not infrequently stressful, and from time to time worrying. They undoubtedly limited to some degree my career choices and opportunities to travel. (This last,you will not be surprised to learn, did not happen to my now ex husband!)

But they and theirs are the best things in my life. To see them happy and making a contribution to society has given me great satisfaction. I have no regrets.

Our post war generation was perhaps the first to have any real choices in this regard. I have a number of good friends who chose career, freedom and travel over family - and have lived very interesting, high achieving and worthwhile lives. Good for them.I admire them all.

But I am increasingly seeing that, as they enter into older age - and especially when they become ill or disabled - they no longer run the world as they once did. Whether you have your own children or not,in later life a failure to care for others and invest in close relationships over the years comes at a price.

I'm 70 male, live alone, never wanted children. Some have them to look after themselves in old age or pass on inheritance to, but some families nowadays don't look after their parents.

Allira

theworriedwell that priest sounds rather sensible!
But I'm not surprised your mother was embarrassed.

I don't remember him but she said he was young and very good looking which made it worse. Her orange lodge relatives would have been horrified.

Totally agree it's the couple's choice. No one else's business

Allira

TerriBull

I was annoyed with the Pope a while back, when he said that people should stop having dogs (not literally) and have children. Sorry I know you're poorly at the moment Pope, and essentially we human beings are here on this earth to propagate the species, but it's up to the individual. People, and in particular women should be free to make their own choices about the matter and no one should be guilt tripped into having children if that's not for them and with the state of the world at the moment, I can't say I blame anyone for not wanting to go forth and procreate.

The only way to save this Earth is for the population to decrease, not increase.

I've never understood why Popes and Catholic priests, who are supposedly celibate, are so keen for women to keep producing children, especially when many are too poor to feed the ones they already have.

Yes I agree Allira, women no longer want to be lectured by supposedly celibate men on their duty to have children, that ship sailed a while ago. I think people and more specifically women in the developed world are continually being reminded that there aren't enough babies being born to replace the ageing population, as if somehow by not having any, they are not doing their duty, even though the world as a whole from an environmental perspective would suggest that we have too many people.

I'm in agreement with the woman mentioned in the op, in that she is fed up with giving umpteen reasons as to why she doesn't want children, essentially it's none of anyone else's business and it's overly intrusive to ask why an individual doesn't want or hasn't got any children.