GN makes me lonelier

Kate 54,
So true. We are the result of our genes and our experiences.
And we might be swimmers but sometimes we need a lifeboat.

I also think it is harder to form new friendships in a new place at our age, particularly on one’s own

I won’t pretend it was easy, especially in the first six months before DD and DSiL moved back to their home once his navy posting was completed. They are now only ten minutes away.

I didn’t know a soul and must have worn my big girl’s pants to a thread. I laugh now when I remember needing SatNav to find the nearest supermarket and as a former country girl I didn’t even know what to do when you got on a bus!

Life is very different now. I’ve made some good friends and I love my town garden. My only worry is that now my DGCs have spread their wings and are scattered to the four winds I’m going to end up as Granny No Mates because my friends all have families of their own so weekends are often lonely.

My moaning Myrtle is locked in the wardrobe……For now!

Maw, I have sent you a PM.

J52

Hope you have a sunnier day, in all respects, RosieandherMaw and everyone else.

I echo that sentiment and feel sympathy, I think loneliness can hit at random times and overwhelm for those who live alone.💐

Ferry23 I totally agree with your post and I am in the same position.

I cringe when I read the word we and reference to children living at home or nearby.

I know I have no business posting on this thread as I'm not in the same position as so many of you. However, after my various knee and hip ops with resulting recovery at home for weeks, and, of course, during COVID I found various posting forums including GN very helpful. I didn't feel alone even though I hadn't spoken aloud to anyone all day I often felt like I'd been chatting away to friends.
Friends and social contacts can be online too and close relationships can be formed. It can't just be me that feels that?

Personally, I think the good thing about GN is the ‘anonymity’.

I know many GN’ers meet up, but to me, I like that fact that you can share with ‘strangers’ ( but not ‘strangers’ if that makes sense), your thoughts, anxieties, concerns and yes, bursts of happiness that you don’t always want to share with those closest to you.

And if you are on your own, for whatever reason, it helps.

RosieandherMaw I am lonely but only for my husband . I want and need him every day and it's been 21 years since he died in February he was 47 and I was 45. Our children left home 2 years after he died it's what I wanted our daughter was in her final year at uni when he died and she came home to help her brother through A levels and be with me . But she only did temp jobs and wasn't using her degree she worked so hard for. So when my son went to uni told her she has to go too. She had met her future husband at uni and went back to the city .

I spent 13 years living over 100 miles from them and we saw eachother as often as we could but I had 3 parents to look after. Everyone had a life but after my husband died I just existed my home became a house as without my husband it wasn't home . Everyone got on with doing what they wanted . I helped my mom look after my dad until he died 3 years aged 80 after my husband,and then had my mom and mother still to look after. I could never relax as I was on call 24/7.
People around me got on with their lives but I felt trapped. But I couldn't not look after them. My mother in law I hated for 40 years but looked after her because she was family. She died 11 years after my husband aged 91.

Had my mom live with me last 18 months of her life as she has cancer and dementia. Mom died 4 months before her body did. She was 90 when she died in 2017.

My house has become a stone round my neck and I rattled round it. I hadn't been truly happy since my husband died . Happy both my children where married and brought their own homes and had my first grandson.

I understand the feeling of everyone having a life but not having one . I didn't realise how much my health had suffered so much. I was born disabled but had no diagnosis. After mom's funeral I felt very ill foolishly thought life had caught up with me and I needed to rest . I didn't realise I was yellow. I couldn't see it. Only reason I called the GP to visit was I could hardly walk and was exhausted. Even when she told me I was yellow I couldn't see I was. Sounds mad I know . I had jaundice and was seriously ill for 5 months but it was my wake up call my life had to change .

So I thought about what I wanted it was only 3 things move ,lose weight get fit. When my gastrologist discharged me he told me people with my bilirubin levels normally died. That reinforced my determination to have a life.

Took me to 2019 until I moved closer to my children to have a life . But I am very independent as I had no back up for 13 years and no intention on leaning on my children.

Must cut this ramble short . Lost 7st , go to 2 exercise classes a week and exercise daily at home . Because of the brilliant healthcare here finally found out the 2 things I was born with and on medication for both. My aims when I moved was to live my life to the full something I had promised my husband I would but couldn't until I moved here. I wanted to join a craft group and did ,still a member of a craft group but a different one to when I moved here. Last May had my first holiday for 19 years just Monday to Friday loved it so much went away in September.

Premier inn have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled. I walk with a stick . The rooms are perfect . Going away next month and September for holiday and visiting my brother and sister in law in July. I travel by train with travel assistance which is brilliant. Never have to worry about getting on and off the train or getting on the right on.

I see my daughter and grandsons usually every week but sometimes it's a fortnight depends on what we are doing . Unfortunately my son estranged me in 2020. But that hasn't marred my living my life to the full . I miss him and my 3 grandson's. But I miss my husband far more .

I am happy I do have my meltdowns had one few weeks ago . But since I moved here I am happy and have a home again .

It's not easy making a new life but I promised my husband I would live my life to the full and I do since I moved . But half of me is missing and I will never be whole again as half of me died when my husband took his last breath. Grieving never gets easier and as the years go by it gets worse . But you learn to cope .

I have friends in real life and on GN . I was 61 when I moved here and my life began soon because 67.

Whiff. I always read your posts and take my hat off to you.

Just re read you opening post RosieandherMaw why would you think anyone here would tell you to give your head a shake and count your blessings. If anyone did everyone else would jump on them and give them a telling off and that putting it politely.

It's bloody hard making a new life you just have to decide what you want . I had been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 18. What did I know about life on my own absolutely nothing . And the thought of spending the next 30+ years without him terrified me but I couldn't tell anyone . I didn't find GN until March 2019 when my house sale fell through for the second time and was at the end of my tether. But the support ,advice and friendship I found here saved me from despair. I will be forever grateful for the kindness of those on GN . I am on several threads and my rambles go on but that's me . Yes there are some rotters on GN who like hurting people. But they are the minority .

Never feel you are inadequate. You are very brave to start this thread and admit how you feel I hope you realise that . You are stronger than you think and never compare your life to others. I take it Rosie is a cat she is lucky she has you to love and look after her . I never wanted anyone or anything to be totally dependant on me ever again . So no pets .

HelterSkelter you must need a stiff drink to get through my rambles . Thank you 😊🌹

Rosie is a dog Whiff. She’s often included in Maw’s posts.

glasshalffullagain

Just as a matter of interest , have any GN succeeded in meeting new friends/ acquaintances later in life? I used to go to Church which gave that sense of connection and belonging. I don't believe though.

Hope for a decent day today.

Good question.
Not my best friends, no.

I think any form of social media can make you feel worse about your situation. Remember, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. I don't post much here now. I am grateful for the wonderful support I have been given over the years.

Some posts, just from people going about their daily lives, have made me feel a bit low. Posts about hair (too curly, too frizzy, bad haircut etc) hit hard as I have no hair, ditto the posts about losing a tooth or something when I lost all mine aged 11.

However, this is my problem, not the problem of the posters. We can't not post about our every day problems in case it hurts someone's feelings.

Sorry RosieandherMaw I didn't realise Rosie is a dog. Georgesgran thank you for telling me . I know more people with dogs so no idea why I thought she was a cat. 🤦

Dear RosieandherMaw, you have every right to feel lonely and sad, and every right to express what you feel. If it's any comfort please know that others at Gransnet feel the same, perhaps to different degrees.
Remember that when you are tired, perhaps at the end of your day, you will b vulnerable to sadness. The best thing to do then is either to go to sleep in your nice bed, or divert your sad thoughts with a story , a film or a novel.

I send respects to Rosie and yourself.

There are points of interest at Gransnet other than anecdotes about friends and relations, and I wonder if you are making the most of Gransnet.

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time, you usually sound so upbeat and put me to shame!
I do understand a lot of what you say, I don't have any real friends locally but I do occasionally arrange coffee with an acquaintance who lives nearby but it is always me who instigates this unless it's something that involves me driving her somewhere.
I've been quite poorly the last few weeks and it's made me ever more aware that I'm on my own and actually, since losing my DH, I'm no longer anybody's priority.
I'm another on here who puts on a brave face especially with family, I don't want to seem needy or pathetic but lately that's how I feel inside and I find it helps to express that on this site where we can all be anonymous.
Here's hoping that very soon all of us who feel like this will have some little thing that brightens our outlook. Take care.

I know what you mean Rosieand hermaw, I feel reluctant to post much as I don't have a particularly exciting life. It isn't exactly a social whirl. I like that thread on having a boring day.
Don't assume that your children have such busy lives they wouldn't have time for you. I bet they would!

I dont think I have a lot of interesting things to say on GN, but I enjoy reading some of the posts, and for me especially when my back is very bad and I cant go out, I post on gn. I am aware that lots of people may just skip over my posts or think how boring, but so far people have been kind and no one has said why dont you just shut up!!

So now my son lives on the other side of the country and my husband has died , it means that I have to make the effort to go out to meet people. I can spend some bad days and dont do anything at all, but then when I have a good day - like yesterday I actually went to where I used to go to school and over the wolds etc.and the weather was lovely. So I sort of store those days up to give me a good memory and a reminder that there can be other days to come. That the few things about being alone which are good, are that I go where I want and set off when I want with no one chivying me or disagreeing with me.

We naturally think that groups we meet are very happy and we are on our own and out of it. Well yesterday although I had enjoyed my day and was just about to set off home, suddenly felt very sad that there was no one to tell about my day. how my husband would have enjoyed this day and that I would be going home alone etc. Then a family walked by me and the children were arguing with each other, an older one had his earphones on and ignoring them all and the parents were snapping at each other. It did remind me that we look at groups with rose coloured spectacles and they might wish there were happily on their own like us!!

None of this will stop me having some days when I literally dont leave or go outside, or meet a soul and there is not even any good music on the radio. I think we all have such times and feeling bad about it doesnt help us. There are times when we just have to coast through those days until we feel able to face another day. I hope knowing you can write to us makes you feel a bit better and gives you a chance to express how you feel. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself some time to just accept and wait for that feeling to go away and then you might look at doing something that you can enjoy. Wishing you a better day

glasshalffullagain

Just as a matter of interest , have any GN succeeded in meeting new friends/ acquaintances later in life? I used to go to Church which gave that sense of connection and belonging. I don't believe though.

Hope for a decent day today.

I think it's more difficult as you get older.

You can join clubs, societies and meet people but, more often than not, they already have their friendship groups.
Several of my friends have died including my closest friend and I don't really feel that close to others, they're what I'd call 'friendly acquaintances'. I probably couldn't tell them my innermost thoughts and worries.

Perhaps it's me that needs to make more effort but health does not always permit it either.

Madeleine46 what a good point that was about the unhappy family group on a day out. I'm sure we've all seen or overheard such families. Not everyone is having a great time.
I used to long for half an hour to myself when the children were young. Now I have all day. Be careful what you wish for!

Ps Perhaps that's why, years ago, my dear Aunt became an enthusiastic church goer in her later years, it gives a sense f community.

Allira

glasshalffullagain

Just as a matter of interest , have any GN succeeded in meeting new friends/ acquaintances later in life? I used to go to Church which gave that sense of connection and belonging. I don't believe though.

Hope for a decent day today.

I think it's more difficult as you get older.

You can join clubs, societies and meet people but, more often than not, they already have their friendship groups.
Several of my friends have died including my closest friend and I don't really feel that close to others, they're what I'd call 'friendly acquaintances'. I probably couldn't tell them my innermost thoughts and worries.

Perhaps it's me that needs to make more effort but health does not always permit it either.

I have thought about wrting a blog about my attempts to " meet people" I've had some hilarious times really one way and another.

Pmd you maw. Sending love xx stroke thatrosie 💖

That might be a good idea.

I think the only way to get to know people better as you get older is to join the committees of groups but I'm not an enthusiastic committee person any more if I ever was.