Adult children don't seem to get old age!

lafergar

I should have known better I suppose. Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

My jumping days are long gone alas!

But if you don’t tell your AC how you feeling how are they meant to intuit it’?

It seems many of us, me included don’t want to appear/act/dress as elderly and doddery as eg our grandparents at our age, if indeed they made it much beyond 70, but are surprised the younger generation don’t recognise our advancing years.

MayBee70

It’s exactly how I’m feeling at the moment. I tried to explain to my daughter the other day that I was getting to be rather housebound and her reply, in a matter of fact way ( which was correct and to the point) was that I needed to think about getting a walk in shower ( which I can’t really afford) and that I needed to declutter my house because ‘if you’re housebound you need to be in a pleasant environment’. Again, perfectly true. I guess I wanted something more caring, but, at the same time didn’t want to be regarded as a doddery old woman.

I can get where your daughter is coming from with her suggestions.

As my parents got older they were still in their 1970's house - which they hadnt done that much to over the years (even though they were in it until 2020 - when they both died from their own illnesses). So it was 1970s bathroom set-up still - not even a shower attachment off the bath - never mind a shower. I tried to persuade them to have the bath ripped-out and replaced by a shower and they refused. It then had to get done as an emergency thing when my mother had a (failed as it turned out) hip replacement. It was only fortunate that they lived in a part of the country where tradespeople are of the reliable and reasonable standard nature - and so they didn't have to wait long before that job had been done.

But it's best to try and find a way to get it sorted asap - and especially so if one lives in an area where tradespeople are notoriously unreliable (as I do now for instance) - as it could take months in my current area to get something like that done (whereas they got it done in a couple of weeks in their area).

I'm only too glad that I emigrated to Denmark in the 1970s myself - though, as we can see, I came back again.....

So I'd already gotten used to the idea of having a shower, rather than a bath whilst in Denmark and was busily making sure that's what I've had in starter house in the 1980s and now in current house. Even in that earlier house and whilst I think British people still werent having showers as the norm and, if they did, it was those little tiny ones = I was having the bath ripped-out and replaced with a modern size shower (ie big enough for 2). Believe me - they make a world of difference...and, if you can handle it mentally, then it's probably a good idea to have one of those modern-style wooden seats fixed to the wall (errrm...speaking as someone that hasn't done that myself and not planning on it....but if you're prepared to have one of them = I can see they make sense in some ways).

Decluttering also makes sense - if you can bring yourself to do it. In my early 70's now and it's taken me decades longer than expected to "get everything in the first place" - but I'm starting to "refine things down" a bit and remove some of the "temporary fix possessions" I got whilst I was waiting for the ones I'd decided on in the first place etc..and it would make your house easier to run.

Grammaretto

You have to share your worries with your children. It's not fair to expect them to be mind readers.

Roles do reverse as we age. I tried to explain that in my first reply but you didn't respond Lafergar.

Let them help you. Don't suffer in silence.

I admire you from afar Grammaretto

RosieandherMaw

lafergar

I should have known better I suppose. Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

My jumping days are long gone alas!

But if you don’t tell your AC how you feeling how are they meant to intuit it’?

It seems many of us, me included don’t want to appear/act/dress as elderly and doddery as eg our grandparents at our age, if indeed they made it much beyond 70, but are surprised the younger generation don’t recognise our advancing years.

Yes Maw nobody wants to appear needy and frail do they!

Are they expecting you to do all sorts of things you don’t feel up to? Are they expecting you to manage all the cleaning/cooking/shopping/laundry, etc.? If so, you must make it clear that if they choose to live back home with you, then they absolutely must do their share.

Witzend

Are they expecting you to do all sorts of things you don’t feel up to? Are they expecting you to manage all the cleaning/cooking/shopping/laundry, etc.? If so, you must make it clear that if they choose to live back home with you, then they absolutely must do their share.

Unfortuately I have fallen back into Mum role. But washing goes to the local lauderette.

Our children have the help of their parents when they’re younger and vulnerable, as we may need their help as we age.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for specific assistance or setting expectations, it isn’t being needy, it’s being honest and any child worth their salt would be happy to ease your life.

Try asking, in a factual, gentle manner, you may be surprised.

Lafergar
Monica, I believe used the phrase " jumped on".

Don’t blame M0nica.
You used it first when you said Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

Much as I can't be bothered Jean I am not "blaming" Monica which would be just plain silly.

As you wish, hopefully no turbulent times, chronic pain and challenges coming into your little world.

lafegar 16.23 ^Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?*

M0nica 16.31 I am not jumping on you, but rather suggesting that.......

lafergar
Don't be too disheartened by some of the more brusque replies.

Some people do find it hard to speak to their children about needing more help as they get older. Perhaps if you could try they may understand more.

Lafergar If you’re talking to me, my name’s Jane and you have no idea what my life is like.

I have widespread (blooming painful) arthritis and fibromyalgia and I’m “only” 66, my younger AC (we have two in their 40’s living in their own homes, then 3 + 1 partner still living with us, all in their 20’s)

Those living away from home are very understanding but not here, those living at home are blooming awful!

janeainsworth

Lafergar If you’re talking to me, my name’s Jane and you have no idea what my life is like.

Of course. Have a pleasant evening jane.

I'm an independent type and talk the talk

Perhaps that's it - you carry on regardless so they don't know how you really feel.

Are you asking for rent from the Boomerang Kid? If not, perhaps they would clean, shop in lieu of rent. That's what we're doing at the moment.

It’s all to come for them, they look at things practically. I keep being told I should downsize as my house would not be suitable if I were housebound and it most definitely wouldn't. I just can’t face the hassle.. my father did it way before he was my age and I helped him but he did listen to me.

My children, my daughter especially, tell me I don’t look or act “old”.
Until this year, I haven’t felt old, but I do now, ( well, older anyway, and some days, about ten years older than I did last year) so I have told them so, in clear terms of what I can no longer do. So they know - and help, as requested, and I appreciate that.

Lafergar : You need to tell them how you are feeling and what help you need.

My grandmother used to say that old age doesn't come itself - in other words that it brings ailments with it.

Of course I didn't understand that when I was younger. How could I? I didn't even realise that I was young. We don't. Being young means that anything is possible, that life stretches ahead, and if 'this' doesn't work than 'that' might, and all we have to do is try. We don't even know that this attitude is time-limited when we are living it, and it can come as a shock when that phase of life ends.

I don't expect my children to understand what my life is like these days (somewhat limited by health-related mobility problems) and I don't really want them to. I am there when they need me, and will spend as long as it takes making sure that I can do whatever they ask. I have time that they don't for that. When they come to stay, I organise things so that I do as much as I can (and I'm by no means incapable) but opt out as gracefully as possible of things that I would impede. I am not a burden for them to bear, and I won't be for as long as I can possibly avoid it.

I am a bit limited physically, but not mentally, and have organised my life so that I get as much mental stimulation as possible, and one of the upsides of Covid is that Zoom has opened up so many possibilities in that direction. This means that I have something to talk about other than what happens at home, and I do my best to be 'interesting', even if I can't be as physically useful as I might have been in the past.

When my DC come it feels as if they're whirlwinds but then I remember that I was probably like that myself at their ages, working, coping with teenagers, an elderly parent too.

I'm just too busy to get old...I'll just drop one day and everyone will think I was fine the day before...and wonder what happened...?

I have the same idea about my car- I'll just keep driving it until it packs in...

I thought the same until life took over.

I hope you're right, but please don't rely on hope to get you through - you need k now what's round the corner.

never know, not need k 🙄

Grammaretto

You have to share your worries with your children. It's not fair to expect them to be mind readers.

Roles do reverse as we age. I tried to explain that in my first reply but you didn't respond Lafergar.

Let them help you. Don't suffer in silence.

I think what the OP means is that while yes, normally roles do reverse as we grow old that isn’t always the case and some elderly parents may find themselves in the position of still being expected to be the ones providing family support when really the family should be providing support for the elderly parents. And where parental illness or infirmity is thrown into the mix the need for family support may come sooner than otherwise.

It is disappointing when one’s children don’t naturally recognise that roles should be reversing without having to be asked for assistance. No one wants to beg for help or always have it taken for granted that their help will be given no matter how inappropriate or inconsiderate.

My husband remarked yesterday that it was time people started to do things for us rather than us continuing to do things for other people just as we always have.

As I explained rosie I am severely hampered by chronic pain caused by medical negligence. I prefer not to bother AC with this.

And that I think is your mistake. I also have considerable pain and difficulty moving at the moment and am unclear what the future holds regarding that! I am open and honest about that with my kids because I think it is only fair to them to know the truth of my situation. How they respond to that is up to them and THEIR choice to make; not have made for them. (My personality is more naturally to be the one who copes and who does not go on about my own health etc but in this situation I knew honesty was needed for their sakes)

So ... maybe think about this and consider your ACs perspective. If the response is to tell you what you need to do then say if you cant manage it alone. Asking for help from them OR from others isnt necessarily easy but not asking builds up more problems for the future than it solves. 💐

Excellent post Doodledog - got it in a nutshell.