Adult children don't seem to get old age!

So two different views then ( more or less)

One is have a talk with them , the other to quietly go about your business without bothering them.

Was your mother a coper who got on with shouldering everything and told no-one of the things she suffered? If you have inherited this, and keep hiding your distress, they won't know that you are feeling it, and will think that you are doing fine. They could reach your age and still believe that you lived a charmed life of stressless peace and never experienced anything they might be going through.

Sit down and talk over with them what you can do and what you can't - physically or mentally, as Aveline was asking.

If you are not happy with them moving back, would it be better if they lived somewhere else? If you would like more contact with your other child, have you tried setting a day a week when you phone or zoom them - it doesn't have to be a long talk, but you would catch up on each other's lives and it would make you feel less alone.

If you are generally depressed, have you consulted your GP?

If you like them being there but find it painful and exhausting to stand and cook, or to do housework, what are the alternatives? The AC taking over the cooking? Ready meals? The AC doing housework in return for the board and lodging?

If shopping is a tiring unpleasant chore, could you shop online? The delivery drivers would carry it into your kitchen and are even empowered to put it away for you.

You say - "I'm not great mentally and have been blindsided by a few things over the last few years. My back is basically shot due to medical negligance re an epidural." and "I don't bother them with it" - but you expect them to be bothered by it without being in the know.

Perhaps it is time to start bothering them with it? If they don't know the history of your experiences with that, they will not be aware of how debilitating constant pain and weakness can be.

If you need a walk-in shower but can't afford it, have you investigated how you might be able to get financial help with that, or have one fitted by Social Services? Your back pain may entitle you to something? Of course, you would have to admit to them that you needed it - I suspect that you would find that a difficult confession to make, but tell the ghost of your mother to butt out.

lafergar

Witzend

Are they expecting you to do all sorts of things you don’t feel up to? Are they expecting you to manage all the cleaning/cooking/shopping/laundry, etc.? If so, you must make it clear that if they choose to live back home with you, then they absolutely must do their share.

Unfortuately I have fallen back into Mum role. But washing goes to the local lauderette.

Time to be the Mum who doesn't treat them as helpless babies. If they are adults they are capable of shopping, cooking, housework etc. If they were living alone they would have to do it.

Thank You Elegran. AC wasn't in a great place when he came, so I probably overdid things. Of course you are right.

I am confused. One child is with you all the time and you don’t want that, the other does not contact enough??? Children don’t like to think of parents aging. You are their rock. At late sixties you are not old! Find things locally or on line to give you adult company.

I empathise with your chronic pain as I have it too. I can’t do a lot in the house without many sit downs to pace myself. I am waiting for quite a serious operation and hoping it will improve things a lot but my children are aware of my limitations as they came to the hospital appointments and heard what the consultant had to say .

We actually live together so that probably makes them realise more but I do hide how bad the pain is sometimes. I’m lucky that they can help me my balance is poor now too so I’m wary about falling. Please be more honest with them and perhaps ask them to do certain things for you regularly so they are more aware.

We have to treat our children as the adults they are. We hide all our problems from our young children as they are not mature enough to deal with it.
We bring them up to be independent people who have to face the difficulties that life brings and should respect them enough to let them know if we are not coping well.
I don't mean mentioning every twinge or bad day we have but to be open about the more seriousness things like being in pain.
My mum didn't let any of us know how ill my dad was until I visited one day to be told he had died that morning. She didn't want to worry us.
She had carried on treating us as children. I was in my forties at the time.

That's interesting AGA.

Yes you are right.

DD2 (wheelchair user) and I are going away for a few days in August, which we do every year.
I mentioned finding somewhere flat and she replied that she was capable of tackling most terrains.

I had to point out that at 74, we needed the easier terrain for me!

That's given me a little chuckle Georgesgran.

No one younger gets how it really feels to be older, with all the cumulative issues that make life alot more difficult. Perhaps you should write a letter to your younger self and show it to your AC, which will start a discussion that could prove quite interesting for them, plant a seed so they can reflect on it in the future when you ask them to help you or spend some time with you.

keepingquiet

I'm just too busy to get old...I'll just drop one day and everyone will think I was fine the day before...and wonder what happened...?

I have the same idea about my car- I'll just keep driving it until it packs in...

I just love your mantra. Brilliant. I too . I am in my 80th year and dont intend giving up for another 20 years. So watch out world. I have very bad back pain caused by scoliosis and stenosis. I have to sit down umpteen times just to complete my jobs around the house but so be it. Also my balance is chronic but use a stroller to walk around the supermarket. Agree I only go from the car to the supermarket and have a Blue Badge which is a Godsend. Must never give up that is my mantra and dont intend to.

Is life really this black and white? Giving up or being super busy?

I don't think so.

OP, I think if you want them to take over tasks you have always done you need to say so. They may be happy to, or even would like to, but are reluctant to suggest it as they are things that “Mum likes to do that/has always done that”. It may well not be lack of empathy but not realising you need help. Just as your children are used to asking for help when they need it, it’s time for you to tell them. You keep dismissing comments that say this, but really it’s the only way forward.

Sounds like you need to be honest with your children about your capabilities. With the one living at home, as a grown adult they should be contributing to the running of the house. Set your own pace in life, you know your needs the best, explaining them might not be enough on their own, especially with children who just see "mum" generally, not a walking list of problems etc. Would you really want that anyway?

So going forward, ask for help when you need it, say no when you need to, say yes with changes needed to accommodate you when you want to.

Don't hang about being mopey and hoping they will notice, open up some communication and give them opportunities for empathy... Teach them how to do it if it is needed.

Both my parents have passed in the last couple of years. They were in their 90's. I look back and when they were at my age late 60's they looked after their first great grandchild every week day for 4 hours (I did the other hours). I could not contemplate doing that now. It's only now I look back and think wow!!
My kids won't think that until they are in the same position.

It is an interesting question.

My wonderful DDs are unfailingly kind, empathetic and considerate, but I do not think they entirely get how it feels to be getting older.... to have health problems, to be steadily losing capabilities, to see friends dying, to experience a closing down of many of the things that make our lives meaningful like travel and hobbies.......

To be fair I do not think I understood this in the past for my aging relatives. So I cannot really ask them to be able to do something I could not.

In fact, they veer between expecting too much of me (in the sense of assuming I can do things that are a struggle for me, underestimating how darned lonely widowhood is) and expecting too little (taking me by the arm and heaving me up for instance when it is not needed, as if I am an old lady ..... oh hang on, I am! )

In what ways do your AC show that they do not "get" it? They might be things we can all identify with, or might have found helpful solutions to.

Chronic pain is very demoralising so I can understand why you feel depressed and why you are on here seeking a bit of understanding.
I think your daughter's suggestion, although you can't afford it, may be because she's one of those people who like to solve problems, rather than to sympathise. My husband is the same, when sometimes I just want a bit of sympathy rather than someone to jump in with solutions.
Having said that, perhaps a visit to your GP might help. There are sometimes pain clinics where people can be helped to deal with chronic pain.
Good luck. I hope things look more positive soon.

You keep dismissing comments that say this, but really it’s the only way forward

Thanks, I don't think I've dismissed have I? Its so helpful when people share their thoughts.

Thanks

Retroladywriting

Chronic pain is very demoralising so I can understand why you feel depressed and why you are on here seeking a bit of understanding.
I think your daughter's suggestion, although you can't afford it, may be because she's one of those people who like to solve problems, rather than to sympathise. My husband is the same, when sometimes I just want a bit of sympathy rather than someone to jump in with solutions.
Having said that, perhaps a visit to your GP might help. There are sometimes pain clinics where people can be helped to deal with chronic pain.
Good luck. I hope things look more positive soon.

As a problem solver, I'm quite careful to keep my solutions to myself. I'd imagine your daughter's suggestion was meant kindly. Perhaps re-think?

Our DD would do anything to help us if we asked, when I underwent a cancer operation, she came and stayed with DH and was there for us all the way. We obviously didn't have to ask then but now we can manage most things she thinks we are fine but I know that I would have to be honest with her and tell her if we were struggling. I think we all want to be independent but sometimes have to give in to needing some help as we get older.

To a degree I don’t think AC do get older age. And to a degree we probably unwittingly protect them from that by not divulging too much. Now there is no hiding place so to speak, when one of them is back living with you. Painful as it will be, perhaps let them see how things really are for you, open up a little to them. I imagine you’re both having a hard time..maybe there will be some common ground….good luck.

lafergar

Is life really this black and white? Giving up or being super busy?

I don't think so.

No, the reality is that you do what you can (and want to)

There isn't a standard by which every older person can be measured. Some can cycle miles, others have difficulty walking to the car. There is probably a list somewhere with the average capabilities of someone of 60, 70, 80, 90 or whatever age they are admitting to this year. However, you have to remember that to get an average you have to include the extremes at either end of the spectrum.

I think as we get older we all have to do some triage - what are we still perfectly capable of, what is possible with a bit of help, and what is definitely out or best left to someone else.

I think being in chronic pain and losing a lot of mobility is a lot on a persons plate. I believe that makes it even harder to ask for assistance because we already feel that any ask would be too much and we don’t feel very good about ourselves to start with I think that’s quite possible. However I think once we sit down with our adult children and say this is what I need that is the start. It doesn’t mean that we will get exactly what we need but it certainly puts minds to rest about what to expect.

I think in general humans find it difficult to ask for help I know I do and I try to do everything myself but at times I need assistance. I’ll do my best to try and make any help that I might need fit in with my adult daughter schedule. Doesn’t always work but at least we’re on the same page so to speak.

I yeah sorry but where you’re at in your life right now however I am a very positive person and believe that with good communication perhaps you can feel more valued-feeling valued in our lives is very important I believe! I wish you good luck and all the very best!

Elegran

lafergar

Is life really this black and white? Giving up or being super busy?

I don't think so.

No, the reality is that you do what you can (and want to)

There isn't a standard by which every older person can be measured. Some can cycle miles, others have difficulty walking to the car. There is probably a list somewhere with the average capabilities of someone of 60, 70, 80, 90 or whatever age they are admitting to this year. However, you have to remember that to get an average you have to include the extremes at either end of the spectrum.

I think as we get older we all have to do some triage - what are we still perfectly capable of, what is possible with a bit of help, and what is definitely out or best left to someone else.

There isn't a standard by which every older person can be measured

Very true! A friend of DH's visited us this morning. He said he woke up yesterday, it was raining and he wondered what to do with himself so he decided to start decorating his bedroom. He was taking himself off for a pub lunch after he'd visited us. He cooks, bakes, goes dancing, belongs to clubs. He's 90.
We can't all feel like that and not that many people reach 90 anyway but he did say he thought he was lucky to have good genes.