Adult children don't seem to get old age!

Adult children don't seem to get parents full stop! Our daughter (who lives away now) popped in yesterday to drop off something she wants us to look after. Her dad offered her a coffee ....., and her reply was 'no thanks.... cos then I'll have to stay and talk to you' .....!!! And off she went ...... knowing she won't see us again for weeks/months!
She has no idea of the impact of her throw away comment 😟

Well, of course they don't, they haven't a clue until they experience it themselves. One can sympathise but not empathise.

NannySue45

Adult children don't seem to get parents full stop! Our daughter (who lives away now) popped in yesterday to drop off something she wants us to look after. Her dad offered her a coffee ....., and her reply was 'no thanks.... cos then I'll have to stay and talk to you' .....!!! And off she went ...... knowing she won't see us again for weeks/months!
She has no idea of the impact of her throw away comment 😟

On the rare occasion that my daughter comes to my house it’s as if she can’t wait to leave. I just feel that I must be terribly boring . Having said that I think your daughters comment was meant to be lighthearted with no intent to hurt you..

I think our adult children are reluctant to see us aging, they always want you to be mum and dad, sorters of problems, hosts of Christmas and birthdays, shoulder to cry on, ready to step up and help in any situation.
I sometimes wonder when it’ll be our turn to sit back and be waited on, but I actually don’t think I’ll like it, I’m too used to being in charge.

My DD is 40 and has chronic pain issues from 2 autoimmune diseases. Diagnosed with both by age 35.
She's always said it makes her feel older than she is although now she's 40, she is approaching older age.

lafergar whatever people have said or not said, you have opened a very valuable thread and conversation. I'm isolated because only one son doesnt live close

but most of all he and Dil have one child who is so severely disabled I'm aware that altho they care, and son will talking about feelings (within careful ie me not wanting to burden but share enough) DGD will always take time and energy up.

But it also means they understand "disability". They are brilliant mature parents and I do not have to worry about supporting them especially as "the other gran and grandad" is in a good position to support in a big house.

In terms of younger peoples understanding it's a lot to do with whether they have had major health evens in their lives. I have a carer to help me out tho only 74 with this and that

like confidence/encouragement to get out and about and she is the same age as my son but she has had a very tough cancer journey and so she understands a lot that other wise younger people would not have.

So I think please are what you feel you can share more and tho its hard try to pull back from being "strong and independent". Its sort of scary to do this but better n the whole I think.

sorry thats muddled, posting a bit too late today.

It is true though that children seem to regard your home as the family home, for them to return to as they wish.

My lovely DIL reminded mine that I should not be expected to host Christmas dinner for 11 for example.

I have thrown out a whole load of my DD's college books finally, so I too am beginning to get it

I’ve lived alongside chronic pain and limited energy for over 30 years. My family knew and know, they have always helped if I asked for it but would never assume. Most of the time I can adapt things and do what I want or need to without others realising, anything from pegging the washing out to a walk on the sea front.

We’ve found our own way through, as teenagers our sons simply adjusted without fuss. Mum was as she was. As adults they sometimes (often in the case of one) forget but never mind being reminded. There’s something about a matter of fact approach that has worked for us.

The biggest adaption was in me. It was and still is hard to accept the things my head says I can do my body says oh no you can’t. My self esteem took a knock initially, it gradually re built.

It’s hard not to be as we want to be lafergar. Chronic pain can have a real impact on mood, how we see ourselves and how we believe the world views us. It’s frankly miserable, sometimes more so than at others.

My apologies if I’ve misunderstood your situation. If it is that you’ve never voiced any of your daily struggle to your family they will see you as they always have. Adult children truly don’t like to think their parents are any less able than they have ever been. If you feel you could have a quiet, factual chat with them and make them aware of the challenges you face my guess is they would appreciate your trust and would respond appropriately. All you can do is try and remember they are adults.

Others are right, you’re still relatively young, Please try re-shaping things, whether practical or emotional to have more contentment in your life. You deserve it, we all do.

I understand how you feel and know that not everyone sees and recognises it when parents start to show signs of age. My own AC saw me as invincible (I'm 92). I had to sit them down and explain the changes that age brings; aches and pains, extreme tiredness, the will power it needs just to get put of bed on some days. They each reacted differently. One shrugged and said, 'I'm always here if you need me'. Another saw it as a problem to be solved and set about reorganising my home to make life easier. The third offers emotional support by making regular video calls on Facetime, just to chat. These things only happened because I sat them down and told them how I was feeling. Their reactions reflected their own lifestyles and problems and I accepted that. No one knows how you are feeling unless you tell them. No one 'gets' old age until they have lived it for themselves.

It's hard to explain to people how you really feel .
If you aren't expressing what they want to hear -it falls on deaf ears !
I join as many things as I am able to though I happily get on with my writing or art work alone .
I get pressurised into joining a craft group .
It takes me a time to get there and I can't get on with my own projects .
I'm repeatedly asked to join the art group and find myself helping the teacher.
She gets paid .
I don't !
I have helped people learn to paint and draw in the past .
As I've suffered from health problems over the last 18 months I can't get my son to understand that I really don't always feel that well and certainly not well enough to meet him in London .
When I cared for their grandfather for a long time none of my children seemed to understand that I was completely exhausted .

WinterSunshine

I understand how you feel and know that not everyone sees and recognises it when parents start to show signs of age. My own AC saw me as invincible (I'm 92). I had to sit them down and explain the changes that age brings; aches and pains, extreme tiredness, the will power it needs just to get put of bed on some days. They each reacted differently. One shrugged and said, 'I'm always here if you need me'. Another saw it as a problem to be solved and set about reorganising my home to make life easier. The third offers emotional support by making regular video calls on Facetime, just to chat. These things only happened because I sat them down and told them how I was feeling. Their reactions reflected their own lifestyles and problems and I accepted that. No one knows how you are feeling unless you tell them. No one 'gets' old age until they have lived it for themselves.

Spot on. A very wise post 🙂

MayBee70

NannySue45

Adult children don't seem to get parents full stop! Our daughter (who lives away now) popped in yesterday to drop off something she wants us to look after. Her dad offered her a coffee ....., and her reply was 'no thanks.... cos then I'll have to stay and talk to you' .....!!! And off she went ...... knowing she won't see us again for weeks/months!
She has no idea of the impact of her throw away comment 😟

On the rare occasion that my daughter comes to my house it’s as if she can’t wait to leave. I just feel that I must be terribly boring . Having said that I think your daughters comment was meant to be lighthearted with no intent to hurt you..

Honestly! Whether she meant to hurt or not, she did. Someone needs to teach her some manners and consideration! Your comment was the only one in this thread to actually make me gasp in shock.

I think you're right, lafergar, there are many replies lacking empathy and also quite irritable, as if these gransnetters are threatened in some way by what you have written. Also some lovely replies that clearly 'get you'. I haven't much advice to add but many thanks for raising this issue. It is reassuring that I am not the only one with this kind of problem. I think it can be an AC personality thing and you can explain but the AC just never gets it. I have AC living nearby who doesn't get me/it and if I try to explain, replies by saying that my comments are stressful so I end up backtracking. I think that this AC will always be oblivious despite having received copious amounts of practical and financial help from us. My other AC lives overseas and does get me. We can talk (and disagree) and I don't have to backtrack. I can honestly explain my difficulties and be understood, sometimes am given practical help and likewise. But you can only try. Groups are a double edged sword for me. I have been empathetic to group members, kept confidentiality and given practical help but it's a consideration that has rarely been returned.

Rabbitgran The answer to your AC saying your comments are distressful is to reply that yes, they are distressful to you too, but you are telling them because the situation is stressful to you - just as it was distressful to you when AC told you of the situation they were facing when (add what they needed your help with) but you didn't silence them then and send them away without support.

I think our children are so used to parents being a rock in times of trouble that it does distress them when the tables are turned.

Rabbitgran, I think what you have illustrated here is the difference between the written and spoken word, especially in these comments. The written word can only be interpreted by the way it is written whereas the spoken word can be interpreted in many different tones of voice and if, in a face-to-face situation, by expression. Lots of the comments here, if spoken in a kindly tone, would take on a entirely different stance.

^It seems many of us, me included don’t want to appear/act/dress as elderly and doddery as eg our grandparents at our age, if indeed they made it much beyond 70, but
are surprised the younger generation don’t recognise our advancing years.^

This exactly!

My kids get it. Don't know why but they do. Perhaps it was seeing their grandparents in very old age.

I'm also wondering if the concept of empathy needs to be taught to some people. I do think some people are more naturally empathic than others.

At the same time, I think empathy is over-rated*. Sympathy is different but an adult child can't be sympathetic about something they know nothing about.

*Against Empathy by Paul Bloom is a thought-provoking read.

Sleepyhead52

MayBee70

NannySue45

Adult children don't seem to get parents full stop! Our daughter (who lives away now) popped in yesterday to drop off something she wants us to look after. Her dad offered her a coffee ....., and her reply was 'no thanks.... cos then I'll have to stay and talk to you' .....!!! And off she went ...... knowing she won't see us again for weeks/months!
She has no idea of the impact of her throw away comment 😟

On the rare occasion that my daughter comes to my house it’s as if she can’t wait to leave. I just feel that I must be terribly boring . Having said that I think your daughters comment was meant to be lighthearted with no intent to hurt you..

Honestly! Whether she meant to hurt or not, she did. Someone needs to teach her some manners and consideration! Your comment was the only one in this thread to actually make me gasp in shock.

I think far too many people, not just old people spend far too much time taking offence at other people's comments.

I always assume that any comment is made on the spur of the moment and the speaker hasn't realise dhow the cmment was taken.

It also makes for a much more relaxed and happy life because you do not waste time stewing about remarks, where you might have misheard the words, or misjudged the tone - and even if it was meant nastily, if you do not react or watse time bothering about it. It makes the remark a total waste of time, because you neither give it any time at the time and certainy did not waste time on it later.

I think far too many people, not just old people spend far too much time taking offence at other people's comments.

Hear, hear!

Also, why don't people want to be thought "doddery" or old if they actually are either of those things? It's not a sin to be doddery or old. I work among old people (even older than me I should say). Some of them are extremely doddery but it doesn't mean they are worthy of any less respect and consideration.

What shocks me is that so many people seem to feel their offspring don't treat them with sufficient respect and consideration. Or sympathy. Or understanding. Who taught them their manners?

With all these things we are only hearing one side of the story.

What shocks me is that so many people seem to feel their offspring don't treat them with sufficient respect and consideration. Or sympathy. Or understanding. Who taught them their manners?

Oh that's helpful, I don't think. Along with Monica's comments.

Sometimes, in the absence of a listening ear in the real world, we may rattle something off in the hope of being heard, of being ackowledged and heard.

M0nica

With all these things we are only hearing one side of the story.

Yes.

But even when we have a listening ear, it does not follow that we will agree with everything we are told, and surely the role of a kind and trusted friend is to tell someone when they are part of the problem, and why.

The other thing is that threads wander, isn't that what threads always do, under the settee, then the cat grabs them, and a lot of posts are not responding to the first post but items brought up further down the thread.

lafergar

I should have known better I suppose. Do some of you sit here waiting to jump on the next unfortunate who is reaching out slightly befuddled by it all?

Beware the Keyboard Warriors, lafergar, Keyboard Cowards actually.......