Baby Showers

I don't like baby showers, none of mine ever had them. I have been invited to some but I never wanted to go.

Notspaghetti - you hope!
We should check Mumsnet on the subject.

NotSpaghetti

Poppyred

Not a good start Elless if you want to stay included in their family. Plaster a smile on, join in as much as you can keep your thoughts well and truly hidden.

I think this is just silly.
People aren't stupid.
My daughter-in-law knows I love her.
She doesn't expect me to endure this nonsense just to be "included".

Not much hope for Elless then is there. She’s clearly not impressed with her DIL. Oh, by the way Baby Showers are for the first newborn.

I think that was Poppyred talking. I was saying you don't need to go.

.. And baby showers were once just for first babies but now seem to be for any baby, even some 3rds and 4ths it seems to me.

Yes no rules around 'baby showers' or just nice tea parties to celebrate the forthcoming addition to the family.

I would just go, it's normally a few hours with Fizz for the non pregnant and Sandwiches. Plus a few silly games. If you have already given, don't take anything just a bottle of wine or some food or flowers.
You have a special place as you're future Grandparent.

I've decided not to go, I have spoken to my Dil, she knows me well and knows it's not my thing. I will send a lovely bouquet to their home on the morning of the shower wishing her a lovely day. I hope she gets some useful presents, I know she is hoping for gift vouchers because the drawers and the wardrobe in the nursery are already bulging .

I have never been to one it’s just another Americanism it does not interest me.

I'm very disappointed for and in you Elless. I hope that you won't find yourself excluded from friends and family events over time by your DiL but suspect you might be. Your risk. Your choice. I hope also that you enjoy your 'thing' whatever that may be.

Aveline

Yes no rules around 'baby showers' or just nice tea parties to celebrate the forthcoming addition to the family.

This puts it so simply and well.
I’d been a bit superior about them, until I went to the first, for my now ten year old grandson. It was lighthearted, fun and great to catch up with girls, now women in their thirties, I’d known most of their lives.

Each generation does things their way 💖

Elless

I've decided not to go, I have spoken to my Dil, she knows me well and knows it's not my thing. I will send a lovely bouquet to their home on the morning of the shower wishing her a lovely day. I hope she gets some useful presents, I know she is hoping for gift vouchers because the drawers and the wardrobe in the nursery are already bulging .

Splendid. This sounds like a good compromise.

Why would she be!
How rude Aveline

She has spoken to the daughter-in-law who knows it's not her thing

I think flowers and good wishes are an excellent alternative, Elless

I hope your daughter-in-law has an easy journey through the rest of her pregnancy and that labour and delivery are both straightforward.
❤️

Notspaghetti just my knowledge of human nature and awareness of what DiLs say about MiLs! It seems so mean spirited not to join in this simple fun. It's not asking much.

I have never been to one it’s just another Americanism it does not interest me.

My 8 year old daughter was thrilled to be invited to my daughter-in-law's baby shower earlier this year.
She'd been the flower girl at their wedding last April and had led the bridal procession down the aisle.
The bride's grandma was also at both and it was lovely catching up with all the family and friends.
There was nothing tacky to object to about any of it 😊

Aveline I would never go to one of these again.

Some people have relationships with a daughter-in-law and/or mother-in-law which is friendly - and is strong enough to survive such "friendly honesty".
I always give my adult children and their wives/husbands/partners an easy opportunity to say "no" to my idea of fun. They are OK with me saying "no" to their plans too.

One has said "no" just this week to a family holiday offer. I'd rather they didn't come if they don't fancy it and I'm not at all offended.

I love both my daughters-in-law.
I was ready to love them as soon as they came "on the scene" - initially because they loved my sons and made them happy, but soon I loved them as themselves.
I always speak well of them because that's the kind of people they are (even though we are very very different kinds of people) and, I hope and believe they are happy to have me in their lives.

The bottom line is, I don't need to go to things I don't want to in order to prevent some disaster down the line.
I don't really think I'm that unusual in this.

I like to think this is how it should be really. I'm sorry if you have found things to be different.

And no, I don't do hen nights either, or "works dos" - as this sort of simple fun is just not for me.

Hen dos and work nights out are things you grow out of. Baby showers/parties are something to grow into as an introduction to toddlers parties, nursery dos and onwards as grandchildren grow. As you grow older the importance of family events, family fun and just the togetherness of family grows enormously.

Another American idea I would rather they had kept to themselves.
I rashly asked my youngest daughter what her best friend, who was having her first baby, might like as a present. I was handed a list with very specific items even down to the make of a product. I was told to stick to the list and none of it was cheap. The actual shower, for want of a better word, was tacky. I sat there and thought how grateful I was for any gift when my babies were born. So much is done to excess these days. My daughter's friend has just announced Baby No 2. I will put a tenner in a card. like it or lump it.

Aveline I think you are assuming that everyone follows the same trajectory from youth and through adulthood into grandparenting.

Those of us who never did work dos or hen nights may be excellent at and sought after for children's birthday parties .

Nobody disputes the importance of family in our lives.

I'm struggling to see which elements might be perceived as tacky, though of course some bay showers will perhaps be more lacking in taste than others.
DDiL's baby shower wasn't like a hen night, because it was at 3 pm in the afternoon and consisted of sandwiches and tea and cake. There were no games, just chat and some relating of others' experiences. We all helped clearing up and washing the crockery. As far as I can remember, there wasn't any alcohol just a glass of champagne to toast. And there were several children present enjoying themselves in garden.

watermeadow

Daft American commercial nonsense. Why celebrate before the baby’s birth? Many awful things can happen during pregnancy and birth.

So true. Commercialising everything these days. Ugh!

You really do have to go don’t you.
Your DiL has organised this baby shower and she has invited you which is very nice of her.
It doesn’t really matter that you don’t approve but for goodness sake just go and pretend that you’re having a lovely time, you might even surprise yourself and enjoy it. I would take a small gift.

Thank goodness my grandchildren were born before this nonsense. It is just the kind of socil occasion I most loathe.

Anyway I thought a baby shower was for the mother and her mates, not potential grandmothers.

It seems to be the thing these days. My granddaughter has had them and made them big BBQ occasions with family and friends. They are so American, I’m not keen, I have to admit. Same with the engagement showers.

They are only as 'American' as you make them. I've been going to these nice tea parties here in UK for decades. Very pleasant occasions.

If the OP doesn’t want to go that’s perfectly fine and certainly shouldn’t lead to any hard feelings. There are other ways to show how thrilled you are about the imminent arrival of a new grandchild, and looks like the OP has already succeeded in doing this.
DiL knew it wouldn’t be her thing but obvs invited her as a courtesy. Am pretty sure she will enjoy it enormously and I wish the whole family well.