Funny things overheard

I overheard my neighbour explaining to a keen gardening friend - "my lawn needs feeding because it's full of micro-orgasms".

School staffroom, crowded at break. Phone rings and the colleague nearest the phone answers it in a formal teacherly way. It's John, says the caller. John who? asks the colleague. John your husband, he says. Oh dear, we did laugh.

Etoile2701

A couple in the doctor's waiting room: man 'I hear that William will be taking over from Charles as king soon. The late queen was 23 when she came to the throne'. Wife 'well, Charles must be over 80 by now'. I could have told them that Charles is currently 76 years old and won't be 77 until 14th November. And the late queen was 26 when she came to the throne.

Actually Princess Elizabeth was 25 at the time of her accession to the throne in February 1952.

My 3 year old grandson told me he’d been to the ‘hair comb’ with nursery. Turns out they went to visit residents at a local care home. I asked if he’d had a good time and he said ‘yes but I didn’t like the lady with the beard’

Heard in a Knitting Shop years ago.
Two shop assistants talking.

Did you hear about Tessa's husband?

No.

Well. He went out into their vegetable garden to dig up. a cauliflower for their tea. Starting coughing and keeled over and died.

Oh My God? What did she do?

She opened a tin of peas.

At a wedding meal
Wife “that woman over there is being condescending”
Husband looks - and disagrees with his wife.
Wife (aggressively now, on the wine) “She is, she is being condescending, I know condensation when I see it”

I was in a restaurant many many years ago and we were given a finger bowl (can't remember why, probably prawns). at a nearby table a rather well to do lady was asking her husband if he would like some of this sauce, yes she spooned the finger bowl over his dinner, my dining partner has to leave the room he was laughing so much.

Overheard in A&E. An extremely elderly gentleman had been brought in by ambulance with no one accompanying him. He was very deaf and a bit confused after a fall. He managed to give his first name and the nurse assessing him was trying to get to the bottom of where he had fallen and who had found him.
‘And where were you when you fell?’ she said loudly.
‘I was on the floor’ he said confidently.
‘But which floor?’
‘The one with the rug.’
‘Ok.’ She changed tack. ‘So how did the ambulance crew find you?’ she shouted.
He thought a minute. ‘Oh very affable I think. Yes, I’m sure I was.’
Her expression was priceless. And the everyone else had a much needed giggle!

I was making cappuccinos for a couple of businessmen in M&S. One of them asked for cinnamon on his. I said I was sorry, but we were making Italian style coffee and cinnamon is seldom offered in Italy. "Oh yes it is" he said "They grow it in Italy" I had a vision of Italy covered with tropical forests of cinnamon trees, and perhaps a few nutmeg trees as well. It made me wonder why all those Italian and Spanish explorers bothered to go off looking for the Spice Islands when they'd got it all at home.

When I was 15 in the 1960s, I worked in a little cafè in the centre of a Lancashire town. It was run by a couple of oldish, salt-of-the-earth Lancashire women - the kind Les Dawson used to parody.
One of them said to me "My husband's driving one of them new Icelandic lorries today."
I said "What's an Icelandic lorry?"
"One of them where the cab's separate from the rest of it."
I said "Oh, you mean an articulated lorry."
She said "I knew it was something to do with the Arctic."

Not something I overheard but something I said myself when I was very young. My sister reminded of it a few times. We were on the train when we were on our way to Blackpool to live when we passed a cemetery. I must have been looking at all the graves when I said in a loud voice "look at all the little Blackpool Towers". My sister said I had the other passengers in stitches.

Many years ago after a heavy snowstorm had left masses of icy snow on paths and streets .
Sitting on a bus in front of two ladies I heard one say
" Oh I so miss my Fred he's been dead 6 years now and it never goes away " , I've got no one to clear my path now "

Over 40 years ago, I was pushing my daughter in her buggy down the street when a chap, about 60 and his 2 lady companions were walking towards me. He was explaining something in great detail and his companions were hanging on his every word. As he passed me I overheard him say " So I told them, oh no, it's not for me it's for my tomatoes". I actually stopped dead in the street and nearly ran after them to ask, what was it that wasn't for you but for your tomatoes. I regret I never did as it has been a puzzle constantly since. Gransnetters have you any ideas?

Many years ago in the lake District there was an American family in front of us at a restaurant. The daughter said I am not eating meat. As the English eat Chipmunks . Had to laugh her dad turn to confront my husband when my husband said you need to give your daughter a better education we don't have Chipmunks in the UK except in a zoo .

Two older women on the bus on said you know who I mean her who's all fur coat and no knickers .

It's not over heard but one the bus with my mom and she thought the person next to her was talking to her so mom joined in the conversation. When we got off the bus I told her they were talking to someone on there phone via an ear piece . Mom said thought they where rude not looking at me when I answered there questions.

In a large Sainsbury's well over 20 years there where baby octopus for sale on the fish counter a little girl asked her dad what they where and what they did. Her dad told her they were octopus and they dragged boats to the bottom of the sea and drown fishermen . Of course she cried . I told her a dad was a liar and explained. When his wife came she told her mom and she hit him round the head. Those where the days . No PC brigade up in arms .

Sitting in the doctor's waiting room two women sitting behind me were discussing their ailments. One said " my hip is so bad now I want to be referred to the ornithologist."
I wondered if the expert on birds would be any help.

Waiting in along security queue at the airport the the American lady turned to her friend and said, ' You think this is bad? Just try travelling with a miniature horse.' I had so many questions!!

I was in Waterstones looking at books and they were selling those bookmarks that are magnetic. Two women were looking at them and one said "How ridiculous, when do you ever have a metal book!!"

I was a school welfare helper many years ago and was putting pictures up at the back of a classroom where they were having a history lesson. The teacher asked who knew what the industrial revolution was. Lots of hands shot up. The child who answered said " it was what you promised to do just after Christmas". The teacher and I exchanged looks and I could see he was fighting really hard not to laugh as he explained. I just had to leave the room!
At the same school, I wax in thd staffroom at break time and the infant teacher burst in telling us they'd just had their first birth in the home corner. A little girl had laid on the sofa screaming and a little boy had lifted her dress up and reached under it pulling out a Teddy bear!

keepingquiet

Years ago I took a call at work from the leader of the Royal Marine's band. When my boss returned from a meeting I said, 'Leon Solent rang and wants you to ring him back.'
My boss creased up...

I don't understand that one.

Many years ago my neighbour’s 5 yr old went to a birthday party. Afterwards his mum asked him about the party food. He said “It was lovely and we had stuff called COLD SORE- coleslaw!

My friend said her wound was exasperated when she got an infection.

Same boy when he was 10 had to answer a questionnaire at Sunday School. The last question was”What do you like best about Sunday School”? He wrote in his best joined up writing the thing I like best about Sunday Scool is going home! So honest!!!

Was in an airport recently and a man was talking loudly on the phone. He said No honestly his name is ALBERT HALL!

kircubbin2000 I meant to ask Keepingquiet about that - though I think Lee-on-the-Solent is near Gosport...

Thank you for this very cheery thread!! Great stories!