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Toxic Friend or am I over sensitive?

(83 Posts)
Newbeginnings Wed 19-Nov-25 11:14:21

Would appreciate some advice. I am a single, childless woman aged 67. Recently I holidayed in Scotland with an old schoolfriend who I had not seen for 30 years. This friend is separated with 2 kids and 4 grandchildren. For about 70% of the holiday my friend boasted non-stop about her kids and grandchildren. The remainder of the time was spent giving sly, hurtful digs on how my life did not turn out the way I expected, I had no kids, I had picked men unwisely. My degree was of no value, her pension was better than mine, her life was more successful, she was now in a wonderful relationship. While helping her pick out baby crochet patterns -joked I should start have some grandkids for her to crochet baby clothes for. She is intelligent, interesting and with a great sense of humour - but always was a queen of subtle putdowns. I have friends who are understandably proud grandparents who never make me feel 2nd best. We have provisionally booked a holiday in Europe next year - but am now rethinking this? is my friend toxic or am I just over sensitive? should I say something to her or ghost her?

Truffle43 Fri 21-Nov-25 20:09:07

I would not go on holiday with this person again. You deserve better putting you down is not good for you. You would be better off going on a solo holiday with like minded people and not having to listen to your toxic friend. My friend travels alone like this and keeps rebooking so it must be good. I feel your friendship is over and after spending time with her you don’t feel good. That is not how it should be. Hoping you find better travel buddies.

Esmay Fri 21-Nov-25 22:13:20

nanna8
Believe me nothing would induce me to tolerate a toxic friend again .
I tolerated nearly three years of nastiness after four pleasant ones .
I must have been absolutely crazy !

StoneofDestiny Fri 21-Nov-25 22:38:11

Life is too short to spent times with people who make you feel bad.

sewandsew7 Mon 24-Nov-25 15:23:01

Sounds like an insecure person. Holidays are to enjoy not endure. Avoid a holiday but perhaps keep in touch in a way that works for you. Go back to the way you kept in touch before the holiday? Tactfully pull out of the holiday - you are not obliged to explain yourself.

FranP Thu 27-Nov-25 11:36:33

If YOU think she is toxic, then she is. She tried, and it seems, partly succeeded in making you feel bad.

Let it go to the Christmas card only list

Faxgran Wed 03-Dec-25 13:23:07

Cancel your holiday and with the money go on a singles break abroad/ wellbeing holiday. I think writing this post has probably crystallised your thoughts.

Fenbug Wed 03-Dec-25 16:37:39

Serously - you're 67 (so am I). Old enough to look after yourself and your mental health - spend time with the proud grandparents.
I had an old friend (from school), who has a similar urge to prove her superiority and diss my life - I avoided her some years ago. I knew it was her problems which make her behave like that but although I used to put up with it because there were other benefits to being around her - when I totted it all up, she wasn't worth it.

In complete agreement with those who recommend you don't ghost her and I'd suggest you don't offer an excuse, just say you've changed your mind. If she asks why, that's a bit difficult because it's really that she's found someone else on their own that she thinks she can dominate. Perhaps just I Don't Want To.
If necessary explore other ways to meet new people (MeetUp, U3A for example) with similar interests - it's never too late to make new friends - on your own terms.

By the way, Competitive Grandmothering can be seriously hurtful - I remember my mother screaming at me for not having children because she'd just had an evening of grannyboasting and hadn't been able to contribute (I was a successful marketing manager and artist at the time so I realised she'd been cowed into submission for her non-grandmotherly status).