Die Quietly and Don’t Cause Much Bother

67notout

I’m terminally unwell and I started removing items when I was diagnosed and I feel better (weirdly ) for it. Like I have some say in the matter. My two adult grandaughters have asked I appoint them as being in charge of my stuff because they’re familiar with it, more so than their parents. Meanwhile I am still pruning, like gardening and not seeing it as decluttering because it’s not clutter it’s my lovely stuff.

Sorry to hear that but it sounds a sensible thing to do, particularly as it’s making you feel better for doing it.I think I know what you mean by having say in the matter.💐

67notout

I’m terminally unwell and I started removing items when I was diagnosed and I feel better (weirdly ) for it. Like I have some say in the matter. My two adult grandaughters have asked I appoint them as being in charge of my stuff because they’re familiar with it, more so than their parents. Meanwhile I am still pruning, like gardening and not seeing it as decluttering because it’s not clutter it’s my lovely stuff.

So sorry to hear your news. Your granddaughters sound lovely and must be a great comfort to you. Sending my best wishes.

NotSpaghetti -
It is part of my thinking .

When my kids asked for things they were given them .
My father was generous with his time and money .
But - there are some items ,
which were willed to them as they admired them which they haven't even
collected .

It's made my grief worse .

And I believe that they are going to eventually regret the callous ,
selfish way that they've behaved towards an elderly and very sick man
who simply couldn't begin to understand what had happened .
In my opinion they are disrespectful as well.
I look at the way that my Asuan and African friends treat their elderly relatives and I feel physically sick .
Some of them have made several comments to me .

I think you must do exactly what you want! You, indeed, all of us, deserve to spend our final days in peace and contentment. If that means disposing of many possessions, that’s ok. If it means spending the end of our lives surrounded by material things that mean something to us, that’s ok too. From our children’s point of view, to put it bluntly, it’s not that hard to find a house clearance company and not expensive. I chose one for my mother’s house that sold on some of the stuff (profit was theirs) and disposed of the rest. (Some just tip the lot)..
With money, it’s entirely your choice as to where it goes on your death, no one else’s.
Your heading, ‘die quietly….’ suggests that you feel a lot of resentment. Try not to hold onto this. Make a noise and cause as much bother as you want….

well I am 90 in a smallish house, but told my two boys, they will need a skip to empty my house, my way of telling them dispose of my stuff , no problem. why would we think our children could possibly be yearning for our old stuff.

We moved house 18 months ago and spent 6 months leading up to the move in decluttering our large house, which included a lot of our children's things which I was sure they would want. Old school books, brownie and cub uniforms, school reports, pictures, photos, etc....
They both turned their noses up and said 'throw it'.
They didn't want anything.

Both my parents died quite suddenly and they had a nice house but as you say their furniture and nice belongings such as china dinner sets are not wanted anymore as they are old fashioned. My sibling still lives in the house and has not allowed me to clear anything out and to be honest, I dread the thought of having to do it.
That said I cherish a lovely set of brandy glasses given to me by my cousin when my Uncle passed away and I always raise a toast to him when I use them so they at least went to a good home.

I personally don't think my family will have much of a problem sorting out my belongings when I shuffle of this mortal coil as they say.
My tastes are pretty modern, I don't have china and linen, I constantly declutter and the books I keep are mostly fairly current.
When my brother sadly died in his sixties, he was a bachelor and a lot of his stuff had belonged to our parents. It actually took me months to sort out his house which in one way helped me come to terms with his passing.
I did sell a few items but there wasn't a lot of value.
He had a vast amount of books including specialist subject items which the Oxfam bookshop took. They later let me know they had made well over £100 for the charity so that was good to know.
Some local pottery went to auction but failed to sell so a good charity shop took it.
My son and grandson did a car boot to get rid of some smaller things. A lot of the furniture was old and I had to pay the local council to take it and a big fridge freezer that wasn't good enough to pass on.
A few nice pieces were very acceptable to one of the big charities which has charity shops for furniture items.
What I would say is the process of doing all this was therapeutic for me and helped me come to terms with his early death, but I wouldn't like my family having to cope with
the same process for me.

When I depart this mortal coil please
rush round to my house. There will be a skip outside with some beautiful
Moorcroft Pottery thrown out by my offsprings! They loathe it and many pieces are 100+ years old. Please help yourselves!

Worst case analysis for people is "Why worry about the stuff at all?" imo.

The paperwork - oh dear that paperwork that I myself need to get up-to-date yep.

Apart from that though - when it came to it that both parents had died and erstwhile brother and his wife were dealing with everything (as they'd decided they wanted to) that was just before I sent him a "farewell email" breaking it off.

I knew there wasnt going to be anything very much in their house anyway - as mother was such a determined chucker-outer over the years. Cue for about the only suggestion of mine he ever listened to (apart from I'd been the one that had insisted I chose our fathers nursing home whilst he needed one - to make sure it was the best one) was to just get in a house clearance firm and I told him exactly which one I'd noticed charging a very reasonable rate to do so (half the price of the one he'd found and was originally planning on using).

Cue for in they came, found mother had chucked out so much anyway herself that there it boiled down to things she'd only got 3 towels (as she'd thrown the rest), etc. She was always that way and even a couple of my possessions went over the years!!!!!!! as she wouldnt respect mine even.

So I gather it didnt take the clearance firm long at all. One pretty quick go through the house and there it was all gone and the price was just a few hundred £s in the event to pay them (which I thought was quite reasonable). Clearance firms vary rather in what they charge - and he'd found one that charged twice as much and was going to use them.

But what does it matter in that event - just as long as everything valuable has been taken out - and he chose the one I'd found and I've got a vague memory it was somewheres around £400-£700 mark (not a lot I think....) and job done/house cleared.

I was absolutely gobsmacked when a house near me had its owner die fairly recently and there was someone coming in pretty much daily - for weeks!!!!! and carefully going through all his stuff (papers...the lot) and I'm told he had A Lot and I was just thinking "Why waste all that time and effort for that? Just do a run-through to find anything valuable that needs to be kept to one side for whoever is due to get it - and then Job Done End Of"

There is no sentimentality whatsoever in my family re possessions - it's the one thing we've all got in common (ie "It's possessions.....just stuff....#shrugs". I knew better than to expect them to keep anything just because I'd given it to them. My mother didnt know better enough to leave other peoples possessions alone and not bin someone else's goods without their permission and would do so if she wanted to!!!! So she binned what she was allowed to (ie her own stuff) and she binned my fathers regularly and occasionally got her hands on mine (forgetting there'd be a row about it obviously).

Exactly the same with us when we downsized. Trouble is the new place feels bigger and it is annoying me. I don’t think I’ve been to the other side of it for months!

Since my husband died I have sold some things that had monetary value and have used the money for things I wanted to do, disposed of letters etc. that I do not want anyone reading after my death, and shall probably continue this process as long as I feel like it or are able to.

I have decided that I have enjoyed and still enjoy my possessions and that I will try not to worry about what happens to them once I am gone.

knspol

I'm a great procrastinator, I bought the Swedish death clearance book probably 12 mths ago and still haven't even read it. I have so much stuff and really don't want it to be a dreadful task for my DS when I'm finally gone. He'll have enough to do with probate/inheritance tax/ financial stuff but despite spending hours trying to decide where to start what to get rid of etc I still haven't started let alone done POA. I still haven't disposed of the last of my late DH's clothes over 3 yrs since he passed away. Thought at one point I'd do a little every week but then always found a way not to do it or got too engrossed looking through things I was thinking of disposing of.

How much do you really want to get on with the job?

I read once that if someone really wanted to lose weight, they had to be a 6 or 7 out of 10 mentality, to even start.

If you really want to do it, I am pretty sure if you started a thread, people would be happy to chivvy you along!
And some other posters would join in along the way.

Other than that, there are a couple of long-running threads about decluttering you would be more than welcome to join.

Some time ago, my mother asked us offspring to say if there were things we might want and she put a little sticker on the bottom of those things with a name on. It was more to keep her happy than because I wanted any more 'stuff' (we have plenty of our own) but I was annoyed later to find 'my' sticker had been replaced by one with a sibling's name!

Funnily enough I was discussing this with my eldest daughter earlier today.
There's actually lot on social media about some Swedish clearing out of everything as we age.

Now I'm not a hoarder but we do have an awful lot of stuff. Thousands of books alone.

Anyhow, my daughter was horrified at the suggestion and said she'd be more than happy, (under the sad circumstances of course) to sort out everything with her siblings.

Which I'm quite pleased about due to the fact that I'm just not in the mood to start a major clear out!

Mine will even bin the photos, let alone the china

I understand exactly where you are coming from, FranA. I realised some time ago that there won’t be a great deal of enthusiasm for most of my possessions. I’ve told them to take what they want, give stuff away (if other folks want it) and then to charity-shop the rest.

I really must get round to undertaking a ‘death’ clearout…

'Black bags day' is one of the sad processes we all now go through, but it is a sign that we have been better off than previous generations.
Ask if there are pieces they would like to have, and then, if you wish, and have the energy slowly find destinations you approve of for some of your other treasures.

I started ‘sorting out’ six months ago, I have one child and everything was offered. My son didn’t want anything so I donated ALL to a church charity shop, EVERYTHING! The pleasure was hearing that because of my donation the church was able to help more mums and stock the food bank. The shop is run by volunteers and the only overheads are what the council charges so I was absolutely delighted! Now, every time I look at something and am certain I’m ’over them’, I simply pack my trolley, pop on a bus and take them to the charity shop!!

FranA
I am terminally ill, prognosis a massive shock, totally out of the blue, last September. Since then I have been on a mission to clear “stuff” much to my DH’s and DS’s dismay “there is no need!”.
However I am leaving instructions for specific rings and other jewellery to go to my two DGDs, not sure what will go to my two DGSs. I have an extensive collection of Swarovski ornaments and their Annual Xmas stars, dated each year. I have instructed that the years of Daughter’s and Son’s marriages, along with the birth years of the four DGC, to be retained and hung on the Xmas Trees each year in my memory. I lost a lot of weight and have donated so many clothes and accessories to our local hospice charity. It will be left to the family as to what happens with everything else and, as I will no longer be around, it won’t upset me.

When my mother died, the British Heart Foundation took quite a lot of the furniture.

We gave boxes of stuff to the auction house and bags of stuff to the charity shop. What was left went to the local tip - it was a mammoth task. Clearing out her kitchen cupboards, we found seven broken electric kettles. She threw nothing away. my dad’s shed was like the tardis. But a lot of the tools went to a local charity that refurbishes tools and sends them to Africa.
But I do think we owe it to her adult children to have a bit of a sort out first. It was exhausting for my brother and I.

I don't have much in the way off good stuff for me kids to sort out/chuck away but I have thousands of photos. I said to my daughters that I would have to cull them before I popped my clogs but they actually asked me to leave them as they enjoyed looking through them and they could decide for themselves which they wanted to keep. Thanks kids.

Allira

Calendargirl

But if DC might want it one day, perhaps they should be the ones storing it, until they decide for certain whether or not that is the case. 🤷‍♀️

I think of a friend, still storing her DD’s uni books and other paraphernalia. The DD has her own home now, but Mum is still the one cluttered up with her ‘stuff’.

Where do you suggest please, Calendargirl

I assumed, (wrongly I suspect) that your children had their own homes?

If not, obviously more difficult.

Agree to hang onto it in the meantime, but let them know you’ll not be storing it forever.

A friend told us about an acquaintance who had a lot of ‘stuff’.

Apparently, when chatting to his children about what they would do with it eventually, he was told …

“Dad, as the hearse drives off, the skip will be driven in”.

Today we took delivery of some replacement cushions for an IKEA chair. OH has insisted on boxing up the old cushions and putting them in the garage "in case we need them".
Give me strength!