Funeral

Jane43

Bellasnana

No I don’t as I’ve already bought and paid for a direct cremation. I don’t want a funeral. I’ve always hated being the centre of attention so would rather just go off without a fuss.

My sentiments exactly.

Me too!

Me too .
I have told the children, but will write it down . Just cremation and ashes thrown into the sea, if that’s allowed, so I can float slowly away to the place I was born . No memorial , nothing. I know my friend spent thousands on her husbands funeral, plot,gravestone etc and I don’t think either she or her AC visit it - maybe once a year . She has got mobility and the children are too busy with their own lives 🥲

mae13

I decided on a cardboard coffin when I saw the newspaper pics of the late George Melly's funeral.

I just want as simple as possible, no singing, no trite words and waffle, no flowers. Straightforward cremation.

But I must have a cardboard coffin with a Sunflowers design on iy. I found a cardboard coffin manufacturer site with dozens of glorious designs - it's a bit of a pity it will be going up in flames, but then I won't be here to give a damn.

My Dad has a cardboard Coffin with Horses galloping across fields it was lovely. Mum had a Wicker one with flowers entwined around it.
Me.. Couldn't care less tbh, kids can do what they like.

I do think the funeral is for those left behind and can bring comfort and is something positively practical that they can do that does not involve probate, bank accounts and all the other garbage that goes with a death.

I know my children found comfort in organising something that they felt reflected their father and they threw themselves into the arrangements. They also wanted a gravestone and got involved in the design and the wording in a very committed way. They visit the grave and tidy it up much much more than I do and find solace there.They are all artistic and planning plants etc makes them happy - I'm all for that.

My friend's husband died recently and despite knowing he only had weeks to live he refused to discuss his funeral. She had to organise a funeral with her daughters and his brothers. It all became a war of words. The brothers felt he should have a Catholic ceremony and burial but my friend and daughters wanted a simple ceremony and cremation. Eventually a compromise was reached but it was all very upsetting.

Luckygirl3

Is it just me or do others find themselves thinking a lot about the format and place of their own funeral. I do.

I suspect it is for several reasons:

- I have had some heart and other problems that make me reflect that I may not be likely to last into my 90's - or even 80s.
- I had to organise my OH's funeral and second guess what he might have wanted and feel it would be good if my DDs knew what I would have liked.
- I am a music buff and do not want crap music played at my funeral!!

Is it just me who keeps thinking about this?

I do , but for different reasons. Had three funerals very recently so that does set you off thinking and also when you've been ill, you do start to think 'Death thoughts' from time to time.

I don't like thinking not many people will be there !!!

My mother-in-law was 101.
There were lots of people there... 70 maybe
And more online - here and abroad.
And 50 at the (lovely) reception.
It was actually a very good day!

paddyann54

We,ve decided on unattended funerals straight to the crem from the funeral parlour.
We,ve attended 14 funerals of close family and friends in the past 15 months and it’s not something I,d want my family to endure .
Mind ,if it carries on at this rate there won’t be anyone to attend ,certainly not from our generation though 4 last year were friends of my children in their 40,s .
My best friend who died a year ago arranged for just her daughter and grandchildren in the crematorium ,it was streamed to the rest of us at home and abroad and it was a very calm and peaceful.
That’s what I think we,d prefer ,we,ve been to massive funerals with much sobbing and screaming and everyone needing to “say something” it’s very harrowing ,not how I’d want to be remembered.
Music?
The Voyage by Christy Moore and Judy Collins version of In My Life to see me out .

Many people have unattended funerals now. I have always seen a funeral as celebrating a loved one's life not something to be endured. Never been to one with much sobbing, screaming and everyone needing to say something. I find the music, hymns and words very comforting not harrowing, although I understand that some people may.

I loathe funeral services in crematoriums so have written down what I want and told my daughters. I think direct cremations will soon become the norm.

I decided some years ago that I don't want a funeral. It seems an awful waste of money for someone with very few relatives or friends. I would rather my sons had the money to spend on something nice; quite a good holiday could be had for the outrageous cost of funerals.
Definitely cremation for me, and my ashes scattered over Dartmoor.

I’ve written my wishes down including a few things about me which husband or sons can say about me. I’ve sent it to them via What’s App and printed it off and left with our wills. I guess I won’t know if they will follow my wishes but at least they have a few ideas.

When my DD was dying, she did not want all and sundry to turn up. She felt some would have known her well, others a work or social contact. Therefore her funeral was to be private. The announcement gave no funeral details with invite to contact family for details. For those not on her list, we just expressed funeral was private. Whilst a very sad event it was
as she wanted, the peoole all knew her well and at the Wake it was like a very large family gathering all us able to have decent conversations. For my DH I did the same, both sons were
pleased and again it was great to actually get real insights as to my DHs life outside the family rather than the fleeting comments usually expressed at these occasions. I want the same for me.

My husband and I both signed up for body donation to medical science 15 years ago. We are in our late 60s now.

Like Judy54 I've never been to a wailing/screaming where everyone was needing to “say something" type funeral.

I think the ones I've been to have been cathartic for family in particular and it's so nice to hear other stories about the person who has died. Things you might never know otherwise.

My little granddaughter, after her great grandmother's funeral, was amazed that her great grandmother had been a little girl. She enjoyed chatting away with a relative in her 80s. It was lovely to see.

I am sorry that so many of you seem to have had negative experiences of funerals.

HowVeryDareYou2

My husband and I both signed up for body donation to medical science 15 years ago. We are in our late 60s now.

As I said in answer to a previous poster, just be aware that you need to have a plan B in place in case they don't accept the bodies - which can happen for any number of reasons. I only know this because my mother wanted to donate her body to science, but they couldn't accept it as they already had their full quota.

ViceVersa

HowVeryDareYou2

My husband and I both signed up for body donation to medical science 15 years ago. We are in our late 60s now.

As I said in answer to a previous poster, just be aware that you need to have a plan B in place in case they don't accept the bodies - which can happen for any number of reasons. I only know this because my mother wanted to donate her body to science, but they couldn't accept it as they already had their full quota.

Yes, we're going to do that. My dad donated his body, and at the moment, my recently deceased SIL is with the medical science department. Our local hospital (QMC in Nottingham) is a teaching hospital.

I have already paid for my grave, a woodland burial, alongside my late husband.
Whether the funeral is just a graveside event or a church service, or both, will be up to my family, and that rather depends when I die. If I am still an active member of the church choir, I would hope they would honour my suggestions for a church service, though they are not actively religious, but if I live for a long time when I am no longer active, that might be different.
My notes are unfinished, so that’s another job to complete.

I could not be so cruel as to stop my children giving me the funeral that best suited them, Yes, I know what I would like, and have told them, but I have always made it clear that they are free to completely ignore my reuest and do as they wish.

Everyone, every family, knows how they can best mourn the loss of a member, so, as I said I think it cruel and tyranical for the living to try to exercise control over how individuals mourn after their death.

ViceVersa

HowVeryDareYou2

My husband and I both signed up for body donation to medical science 15 years ago. We are in our late 60s now.

As I said in answer to a previous poster, just be aware that you need to have a plan B in place in case they don't accept the bodies - which can happen for any number of reasons. I only know this because my mother wanted to donate her body to science, but they couldn't accept it as they already had their full quota.

I second ViceVersa my friend left his body to science.
He was quite old when he died and the organisation came up, took what they wanted and left the rest.
His wife then had to have a quick reassessment of her plans.
He went to the crematorium on his own and we had a get together later to remember him.

My cremations bought and paid for completely, simple like me, simple like my life, however I did hit a stumbling block as my adult grandkids were appalled that it was going to be a simple private goodbye, they felt they needed to say goodbye properly so after all my careful plans I ve had to admit defeat and add on a tea (party) where they can do or say what they want. ( money put aside for it)
The reason I was going to keep it simple as one child plus family lives in Europe one child plus family live in NZ and only one here to do all the arranging, She’s already got the short end of the straw 2POAs and decisions about possible care, selling house after my demise, etc etc and I was trying to make it as simple as possible for her and everyone else.
Best laid plans of mice and men eh

I think it depends slightly on when you die, which I realise sounds odd!

If you die when still relatively spry and active, involved with local people and events, then more people are likely to come than if you live to a great age, in a nursing home or hospital say, when many friends and even family have already died.

How often do we hear someone has died and you think that has happened already, as you have seen or heard nothing of them for a long time?

As for direct cremations, yes, cheaper, less fuss and arrangements, but I wonder if later on remaining family might feel they missed out on a final goodbye?

Closure, an overused word nowadays, but maybe more relevant than you think.

I have specified my wish to be cremated, but apart from that I am leaving it to my children to do what they feel best suits them. I am an atheist, but if a Christian funeral service appeals to the family, then so be it. I am confident that they will organise a suitable wake!

grumppa - that’s the spirit

No. Wish is direct cremation. Tbh, though, if they want something different, meh. Shan’t care. I’ll be gone.

Have you seen those 'Water cremations' ? Basically you are put in a vat of chemicals and sort of melted down.Yuck..I know I'd be dead...but still ..