I think I’ll be alone this Christmas and can’t help feeling sad

Thank you everyone for your support , thoughts and suggestions. I do realise how very lucky I am, it’s just a big change for me and while I know it means my son was raised right, it still scares me. My sister has 3 adult children and they have all moved away, so she has for the last 10 years gone to the local pub for Christmas lunch and drinks with friends/people from the village. Which is lovely and I’m sure it’s something I could get used to. I just wanted somewhere safe and anonymous to express my fears and how I feel. Of course My fears and insecurities about change come from a selfish point of view but I would never risk the relationship I have with DS and DIL which is why I’d rather share on here. I do know how lucky I am and I do realise how ridiculous it seems to be thinking about this in June but it’s just been on my mind swirling around that this will be the first Christmas without my DH and my DS, having got used to Christmas without my husband I will now need to adjust to new changes and focus on the positives - a lovely little baby to spoil and a change in tradition for me!

Well it sounds as if you've thought it all through. You sound a lovely sensitive lady...and you have an excellent alternative to your usual Christmas . Xx

Embrace the change and tell your son to stay in his own house with his own family! I remember hating Christmas when the children were small and two sets of grandparents. Allow them to make their own traditions .....and how about a holiday for you over the season.

Sorry, I think you’re being unreasonable, and I suggest you don’t voice your thoughts to your son and daughter in law

Seriously, they sound a lovely young couple, trying to do the right thing

This is why I dislike Christmas OP. It is just one day and really should not cause all this stress 6 months in advance. If you are feeling like this now, make some firm plans to go away somewhere with your sister. Don’t get yourself worked up about just 1 day. This is crazy OP.

Christmas is always a time when we feel we should all be together, sadly it doesn.t always work that way. My DH and myself have spent most of our Christmases at home just the two of us, our kids are so far away that it isn't always feasible to get together. I would love to see them but we facetime and things so we do see them but it isn't the same. my sister spent Christmas with us before she died so here we are.
I am sure your Sister would love to share Christmas with you OR there are lots of places that you could volunteer, some day centres are open over the festive season and doing something like that you will be too busy to feel too unhappy, although it will be there in the background. There are a lot of people out there that would love to see you, and you will have something to tell y
our family when you are having cuddles with your DGC .
Anyway you have time to think about it, and I am sure you will be ok whatever happens. As my DH says 'it is only one day'

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I am glad you are starting to think this through and beginning to see the positives.

Honestly, I do think you have been very lucky to have your son there for so many Christmases - I would have found it very hard to know that my son was not spending Christmas with his wife all this time. TBH I would have said no to this. So definitely counting blessings is the way to go.

But now you have some lovely alternatives for your Christmas day with your sister - and a new baby to look forward to.

I know that sometimes things can suddenly get under your skin and it is hard to stand back and think logically. I am glad that you have been able to get these off your chest and move forward. I predict good times to come.

Yes, it is a change, but not one to feel negative about. Just plan a new Christmas routine. In the meanwhile just think how fortunate you are to have such a thoughtful and caring son and DiL who have been prepared to give-up their opportunity to have Christmas together in order to spend time with their respective parents.

I can think of no better plan than the one they have come up with, Christmas day at home with their child, and hopefully later, children, with Christmas eve and Boxing day given to their respective parents.

can’t help feeling jealous and sad? How ridiculous, you should be out in the street singing for joy and telling everybody about your wonderful son and family and how well they have organised Christmas to include time with both families. Many who hear your story will be green with envy and sad that they do not have the Christmas plans you have.

I can’t understand why your son and daughter in law have had to spend Christmas apart for all these years. Could they not both have come to you and then her parents in alternate years?
Could you not have gone to them?
I know the emotional baggage which accompanies Christmas can have huge repercussions in some families, but once you start always doing a “particular” thing at Christmas, there will be tears before bedtime once the pattern changes. This new baby is exactly the best reason for a change of habit.
Could you not spend Christmas with your sister one year?
Did your son’s in-laws not find it odd that the young couple spent every year apart?
I am still trying to get my head round it
Or am I missing something?

Your right M0nica, I for one am green with envy!!

But I understand how Ami feels. Its a jolt to the system. An end of an amicable arrangement.

Sometimes it just takes a little time and some comforting advice to prepare for the new stage.

Everyone is different.

Come back and let us know what your plans are for Christmas Amicoolyet. I for one would be interested to know how it goes.

It's only one day of the year ! So as grandparents we move on and accept that things can't stay the same forever.

My adult children live 600 miles apart - one near me and one far away. We never have Christmas Day together - I usually spend one day around Christmas with my son and his children ( not Christmas Day, ever, since the children go from him to their mother halfway through that day and it is a logistical nightmare ! They don't need me sitting there expecting to have a visit !)

Then at some other time, my daughter and her family fly here to visit me and the inlaws, so we have time together but not obviously on Christmas Day . Last year we spent an evening driving around looking at Christmas lights, and another one going to a carol concert.

So as grandparents we accept that we're not "the centre of their universe" and we move on. I've had several Christmas days on my own - it's just another day and you make the most of it. You'll be fine.

Sorry this will sound harsh
a) talking or even thinking about Christmas in June is awful please concentrate on the summer and autumn and your new grandchild arriving, embrace your life daily without spoiling it by jumping so far ahead
b)you are being very unreasonable and dare I say selfish build your own life up and anything beyond that is a bonus

for years my son and daughter in law have spent Christmas Day apart don’t you think that has been awful for them straddled between two needy families they should have stopped this the year they became their own family unit and you shouldn’t have encouraged it Did you never feel guilty that your son was coming to you when he should have been with his wife ? I ve never heard of a young couple splitting up for Christmas Day to placate needy parents
it just feels unfair do you really really think it’s unfair Its definitely been unfair to the couple
I can’t help feeling jealous and sad you have nothing to be sad about you should be joyous you obviously have a lovely caring son and a patient kind daughter in law and a new babe on the way What a blessed life
Please give them a break let them enjoy their new child without you making them feel guilty, and start to think with great positivity of the wonderful life you already have and will continue to have even when this silly habitual Christmas visit has ceased
I m sorry this has been such a critical post but it really has shocked me
Good luck and have a wonderful time with your new grandchild without encroaching on your son and his family

I am not sure quite sure how many Christmases I spent on the opposite side of the world from my daughter and my grandchildren. There are telephones, there is Skype, there is e-mail, there is texting – there are so many ways to keep in touch.

A new grandchild isn't just for Christmas – in other words, there is a whole big future of joy ahead. Like most of us here, you can forge a loving relationship with her/him and, potentially, her/his future siblings. Trust me – it's glorious.

I spent last Christmas apart from my family for the first time ever. This was because I am no longer in a fit state to travel the 200 miles to be with them, and we decided the children should be at home to open their Christmas stockings, not in some hotel room as they would have to be if they came to spend Christmas with me.

It was absolutely fine. We used FaceTime to see each other, and then they came here a few days later. There was no problem at all. In fact I very much enjoyed my first ever peaceful Christmas Day!

I’m not sure what’s worrying you most...not seeing your son on Xmas day....not seeing your grandchild....or being alone that day. Or maybe all of it! Anyway, it is what it is, and I think I would just accept it, go with the flow...and start thinking of something else, other than what is happening on one day of the year. I know it maybe isn’t panning out how you may have imagined it but one of the challenges of becoming older, is that we find we can’t control things in the way we maybe used to. Try to divert your attention away from Xmas and your son and his family, and more towards your own life. I actually did exactly the same thing on our first Xmas with our baby. I wanted it all for ourselves and held it against my in laws who kicked up a fuss because we chose to be at home on our own. I’ve never forgotten it!?. Don’t be like that.....

No criticisms from me, OP, I think it's good to get your feelings out in the open to deal with it in good time and think about what you'll be doing, it is s milestone and aif you get your feelings out if the way now you'll be able to plan what to do instead and look forward to the coming grsndchild. People are implying that you've been selfish splitting up your son and his wife but none of us without further info can say you have been. Maybe it's his in-laws who have been insisting their daughter goes every year, wouldn't think of inviting you and you have a thoughtful son who doesn't like to think of his mum being on her own. Maybe he's been g glad not to have to go to the in-laws, all those years and it's only now with the coming child that they can break away. maybe things will be different in years to come too. It's bound to feel bittersweet and ok to have mixed feelings at the thought of something new

Do you see your son during the year apart from Christmas? My son would now be 53. He died age 28. I would give the world to be in your shoes.

Some of the replies have been really unsympathetic. What you feel is what you feel and reaching out for a bit of support while thinking it all through seems brave and positive to me.

amicoolyet each generation must make their own traditions. Once my DD married I never expected we would be part of their Christmas Day but each year we still spend it with them and their now 2 children, but due to their work commitments in the early days we would 'move' Christmas Day if either was working. My DS split from his partner and we now only see my DGD on Christmas Day every other year, so we continue with 'moving' our Christmas Day. Surely it doesn't matter whether it's Xmas Eve, Xmas Day or Boxing Day as long as you all celebrate together at some stage. Let them have their little family Christmas and spend it with your sister.

This IS me reaching out too. Years ago,newly widowed, I tried being on Gransnet - hence my username Viv Once, and found it entirely unsympathetic. I rejoined this month, contributed to various threads and my view is unchanged.

Ive spent the last 8 xmases on my own, its just another day. I get a few treats in for myself and binge watch the tv. My son will skype so I can see my grandson open his presents that I bought him. ( he lives 150 miles away) They day passes like any other.

I am alone at Christmas and I do dread it. Although this year I will be in a new home. I am buying a bungalow for over 55's and am moving next month. I daresay they will all be with their families as well. I will be near the school and church I used to work in though so will have company on Christmas day.

It is awful when you see neighbours going off out or having visitors. I have a dog but when you go out for a walk there is no one around.

Christmas is massively overrated!

My husband and myself always spend, by choice, Christmas Day on our own, we usually go for a walk, don’t bother with Christmas lunch, our son usually comes around in the evening.

Then Boxing Day anyone who wants to come is welcome, including extended family, my husband cooks a feast, and most of them stay a couple of days

But if one year nobody wanted to come, that would be fine

As someone has said, it’s just one day in the year, not worth getting stressed about

Having said all of that, we’ve had our fair share of Christmas dramas, mostly with my in-laws putting pressure on us to spend it with them, and obviously then feeling we had to invite my family as well, so I’m happy to let all my children do whatever they like

I am not in your situation, though I am widowed just over a year ago. I do have four youngsters though. Two live abroad. I spend Christmas day with our eldest, his wife and family along with her parents now. Though this year it will just be her mom too, as her dad has just passed.

I do empathise with change though. Please ignore the remarks of its only June and the like. For me me its good you are talking about this now and that they have forewarned you so you have time to get used to it and plan something else.

Maybe you could do some voluntary work Christmas morning or the like. Christmas is about giving. You can then see your son in the afternoon.

Lots of places need help as they need help preparing Christmas meals for the homeless etc is just one idea.

I am glad they have given you all time to get used to the idea. Try and think out of the box as it really is a bit changing your mindset.

Enjoy your new grandchild too