Christmas Day dinner

Do a Christmas brunch and get her to bring bagels and smoked salmon and capers with cream cheese and a bottle of prosecco and orange juice. You make bacon, sausage, ham and eggs!

A buffet is not really much of a compromise as that can make a lot of work also. At 74 you have earned the right to "retire" from cooking Xmas dinner. Even if you go down the route of buying everything ready made and frozen it will still be hard work bringing it all together and clearing up afterwards. You need to sit down with your daughter tell her NO. She sounds rather selfish putting you through this and needs a firm talking to. Maybe you can do it with your partner so he can back you up if you start to waiver

Time for a Christmas decision tree. You can say yes or no to her. If you say yes, you will feel resentful. What is the worst that could happen if you say No? It's not worth falling out about, but you mustn't let your daughter bully you.

Go out...am sure that there must be some nice places nearby but make sure she pays for her bit!

I think she is being unreasonable - why should you have to do all that cooking? Can you possibly get food ready prepared so all you have to do is pop it in the oven? Or ask DD to fetch the food with her (ready prepared) and then pop that in the oven to cook (my sister in law has her DIL do that if they want to have Christmas Day with her) ? I cannot even begin to imagine telling my Mum that she HAD to do the Christmas dinner!!

I absolutely agree. You should not feel guilty. How about your daughter cook and invite you over. As I have always worked every year for past 40 years, nurse, Christmas dinner was always on another day and would do a buffet every year. Last year I said no to doing a yearly buffet for every one as I was tired after work. There were a few grumbles at first but son did it this year daughter said she would do it. You have to say no more and family need to step up. My husband will have Christmas day together after seeing grand children in the morning as I'm now retired. Once you say no the relief you will feel will be amazing. Tell your daughter she can cook for her family as you have done enough. Go on you can say it NO.

Greciangirl you and your husband are going to have to show a united front, be strong ) or does he always give in I wonder). Be blunt because thats the only way you'll not get railroaded into surrender, keep to the point & do not waver. Practise your pitch and dont go into long explanations. Do not be blackmailed by gs looks forward to it/will be disappointed/how stressed she is etc. She should be more considerate of your wishes. Stick to your guns this is your "make a stand & be heard year" of course they want to go to yours -you get all the expense, work & worry. Just say NO. When she argues reply 'which bit of NO don't you understand' if she says she cant cook tell her its about time she learned. I was in m&s yesterday and its not cheap especially as you'd have to go bigger to feed 5. (Mine is coming from iceland) I know its hard to say NO but for your own sake - be firm. Just repeat "I've made my decision" on loop. Value yourself & she needs to.

Are you having to pay for all this food too? Tell her you'll cook but it will be stew and dumplings because you're no longer up to standing for hours in the kitchen preparing special food. Say they're welcome to share this meal as you'd love to see them all but tbh Christmas has become a bit overwhelming as you've got older. Play the age card big time

Do not give in.
Book yourself and your partner into a restaurant for Christmas lunch and tell your daughter she can do whatever she wants. You can drop by in the morning to give presents and then you are off to be spoiled at the restaurant ... no shopping, no preparation, no cooking and no dishes. She can then do what she likes. Make it a 'fait accompli' so she realises the deed is done and there is no going back.
Alternatively (and this comes from my wicked side) invite them for Christmas lunch without specifying what the meal will be and give them scrambled eggs and bacon sarnies ... your house, your rules.

How old is your daughter? If she won't compromise l would tell her that you and your husband will be going out for your own Christmas dinner and that you will be happy to see her and your grandchildren later in the day. It is about time she grew up.

Greciangirl
I am so sorry to hear that your daughter bullies you.
I am 70 and disabled and in a lot of pain. My children invite me in turn to their house together with their sisters and all the children. This year we are meeting after Christmas so I will be alone Christmas day and this will not make me sad at all. Although the arrangement sounds great, it has not always been that easy. I have shut myself in the loo to cry many times.
I am so sorry that your daughter has not realised that you are now much older and it is her turn to look after you. I do understand what strong willed children are like. But I would like to think you may be able to stand up for yourself this year and just say that all this cooking is too much for you and you cannot do it. There are lots of suggestions here to consider. M0nica is always good at problem solving and giving solutions. I may say that in my case I couldn't afford to stay in a hotel at the moment, you might find that pubs etc are fully booked for Christmas dinner on the day by now. But the "stick to your guns" suggestion is right for me. Buy your favourite food for the two of you, then just say the same thing every time she mentions it, "Sorry, I'm past being able to cook a big Christmas meal now. we're having ours together at home. We'd love you to call on us at.../after dinner/in the morning." Then when she nags just say "I can't cook a big meal any more. X [your partner] and I are just having a small one together. Please come and see us at...o'clock /in the morning/afternoon"
Even have this written down by the phone and read it out. Repeat all or parts of it every time she nags you. Do not deviate, just keep saying the same thing and do not be drawn into answering her questions or allowing her to create an argument. Just repeat your explanation. Eventually she will get the message hat you are not budging from it.
I do hope you succeed. I do hope Christmas passes comfortably. It's just one day! Lots of love Elle x

I hosted Christmas for over forty years until my eldest daughter, by then with three young children said it was her turn to do it.
Since then she, my younger daughter and now my newly married granddaughter take turns doing Christmas and we all chip in and take something. I take the pudding and accompniaments plus cranberry and bread sauces.
This year it's granddaughter's turn and as she and her DH have recently finished renovating their cottage it will be lovely for everyone.
They're all young and full of energy and enthusiasm and I'm happy to just enjoy their efforts!
Time your daughter took her turn too or do as others have said and abdicate, just a visit to exchange gifts etc.
Don't be bamboozled into the M&S ready to cook thing either, it's still more work than you want. You can suggest she does it that way though.
Good luck x

I would"nt do it. Your idea of going over in the morning to exchange presents and then coming back to your own home to have your own meal isn't unreasonable at all. Your daughter wants all this done for her without any of the effort/stress/cost herself but is happy for you to do it all. You could offer as a compromise by suggesting that on Boxing Day you are willing to put a buffet type meal on at your home for them all to enjoy.

I have been to a friends who ordered Christmas dinner to be delivered. It arrived on time, delicious and ready to serve. all she did was lay the table. (and pay for it)

I can understand how you feel, but as someone who isn't allowed to see her grandson on Christmas day, she likes them to have the day with just them, I'd give anything to cook my family Christmas lunch!

Do you have any other children ?If so where are they in this.? At your age it should be your daughter inviting you for xmas dinner. This may sound harsh and will, inevitably, get comments but stand your ground and tell daughter if she wants a festive dinner then come and cook it herself.

When I read that you’re 74 I just thought how ridiculous! Get some ready made food in for you two and invite her over afterward for some cold meats and readymade desserts . No discussion

I can feel a lump of astonishment and anger at your daughter's take on this.
It's up to you to do or not with your OH and she goes to you if you ask her, not get told. If she wants her big do, she's free to do it.
Eating out on the day is expensive. £80 pp before VAT at our local pub. Were doing it with our 24 year old. DH working. If on our own it will be easy food at home. (History here. Other son died 8 years Monday. Buried in Jan. Christmas day out lifts that feeling.)
No one is entitled. I feel for you. Best wishes x

I’m 69 and done the last 49 Christmas dinners. As a rule I dislike cooking... but Christmas I do willingly. It is just a bigger Sunday roast ... there will be 7 of us. My daughter and son-in-law have just split up , but they will both be here with the kids ( but on my rules).... my daughter never offers to do anything.... my SIL loves to cook so he will cook a ham and a leg of lamb and bring it with him. They will both be driving so no alcohol ( or maybe one beer) will be consumed. I do all my veg prep the night before ..... I cook a prepared turkey crown in the morning...... make apple pie from scratch..... microwaveable Christmas pud.... home made mince pies ( my friends pressie to me)..... and a bought trifle ( mine usually fail). Bistro gravy ( lamb and turkey) ...all really easy stuff. Pigs in blankets have been prepared and nestling in my second freezer in garage.... stuffing has been bought and keeping the pigs company.... a.l I do is re ember to defrost overnight. I find the main challenge is it I g. Write out a timetable of things into oven and what time they come out. Also please do remember.... nobody is goi g to be bothered if the sprouts are bit soft ... the carrots bit hard... the apple pie not ‘ one of your best’ .... it’s Christmas and you’ll be together and all the little upsets can be got over and laughed at. Anybody who can’t laugh and enjoy themselves can ‘ bugger off’ next year. Just enjoy whatever sort of Christmas you want. If your daughter wants different that’s up to her to sort out. Enjoy

Wow Sandrax.... who cooks and delivers on Christmas Day....? More info please.

Say to your daughter that they are welcome to come but the food is on your terms . Remind her your no spring chicken anymore and you find it to much . If she doesn't like it , she can always cook .

Greciangirl,

You are now 74 years and it gets harder to do a lot of fancy Christmas cooking at that age. It seems your daughter wants too much from you say no, tell her it is now too much for you.
I had my first child at young age and from the time my mother was 68 years old my eldest daughter went to her house and more or less done all the Christmas food.
My mum always wanted myself and the grand-children for Christmas day but unless she let my daughter get all the food on the go I would not have allowed her to tire herself out she had done her fair share all her life for us why should she have to slave all day and feed myself and the grand-children, its about time your daughter done her share and let you have a rest.

Definately tell her a firm no,(at her house),and if she tries to browbeat you turn and say youre leaving now,youve have presents to wrap,or some such thing to do..if she wants the full lunch tell her youre no longer up to that but if she wants to invite you for lunch you'll be happy to come for a couple of hours on the day.or just book you& hubby into somewhere for lunch then drop off their gifts ,have a coffee& a mince pie and leave in time for your lunch.Even the 'ready made' stuff takes up more time to do for a few of you i find.Dont do it.

Your daughter is a drama queen. Stand up to her and say no.
One year my parents who lived 150 yards away forgot to come to Christmas Dinner! I and my husband and two boys waited , I kept the food hot. Then sent some one to get them. They were asleep. What was even more shocking was I had asked them what time they wanted the meal to be served.
I never cooked for them again and they came to morning coffee instead.
Strikes me your daughter is a bit of a gluten . If she wants all this food she should do it herself.

I’m 74 and occasionally get threatened that they will come to me at Xmas. My daughterss brilliant at it, so solution I’ve found is to give her £100 towards hosting, as so grateful. Her justifiable resentment disappears and she allows my son and family to come every other year. That’s what moneys for, to oil the cracks.