I intensely dislike christmas.

...^Christmas and mine!!^

I bought a 10ft swimming pool, 4ft deep, for our garden so they could have somewhere to go swimming while the pools were closed through the summer. I do everything for my grandsons. The eldest told his dad that Nana will sort things out when his electric ride on car, we bought him, broke. I hide my feelings away. I just want a nice grandchildren who are happy and don't feel the need to sneer at me before trashing my bedroom. I try my best to please people but I seem to be failing miserably.

You've got to stop trying! Stand up for yourself. Don't hesitate to tell them off. And tell your daughter what's what if she objects. Don't let them spoil things for you. ?

janeainsworth

I think the word 'git' is a horrible word to use about an old person, but about a child, it's unspeakable.

No one says anything to them and if we dare chastise them we feel like monsters.

You 'chastise' them?

Yes we tell them not to touch things that can hurt them like my expensive swing machines or my husbands woodwork tools. Is that wrong? But as soon as we say anything like "don't touch that it's dangerous or you might break it, their father comes running over and comforts them like we have beaten them. The equipment is put away out of their reach but they have no boundaries and go where they shouldn't.

You need to tell your daughter that it’s too much for you now, and although it’s probably too near to replan for this year, tell her that you will go to them next Christmas if they want to spend it with you - offer to do some of the cooking in advance to help her, and leave when you’ve had enough. She probably doesn’t realise, and would feel terrible if she knew how much it takes out of you?

Perhaps just put a few decorations to please you and nobody else. And buy or bake some eats and eat them before Christmas. The run-up to Christmas is often the best part of it. You enjoy yourself.

Once this Christmas is over Grannyscrooge you need to tell your D that you found it particularly difficult and have decided that you can no longer accommodate her and her family on the day.

It does sound as if all of the excitement and unruly behaviour is too much for your son too and that you could both do with a break from it.

Your happiness is important too, and as well as having those wonderful memories of Christmas when your children were young, you should have wonderful memories of Christmas from this time in their lives too.

If you do this just after Christmas you and your family have an entire year to plan for the next one and who knows, what ever is decided may be the start of a new tradition, one that you can enjoy too.

Lucca Tue 08-Dec-20 15:20:35 Probably not. All the hallmarks.

My two have been known to be little gits at times. Nothing unusual in that. They're kids. They get better as they get older.

Sorry that should read sewing machines.

Don't be sorry for how you feel, Grannyscrooge. I would think that you have reached a stage where you've had enough of preparation, catering, cleaning, shopping, dressing the tree, wrapping presents etc., You say you put on a front because the family love to come to you. Bet they do. Most people struggle at some time in their lives to organise, work and pay for a Christmas and start to make their own memories. Sounds like your family need to start doing this for themselves - and on occasion organising a lovely day to include you, if you want.

You honestly need to tell your Daughter how you feel - largely about the work that having Christmas at yours involves for you. Get rid of all that resentment. You're getting older etc., and you'd like to do something different which will lift the responsibility from you. Next year, maybe?Think about that cottage. This year if you can arrange it, but you've possibly left it a bit late. Make the effort to talk to her as soon as you're able after this one. I would. Does she realise how much you struggle with your pain and disability? Adult children so often overlook the fact that their Mums and Dads are getting older. Doing anything which doesn't give you pleasure each year is really crazy when you think about it. You've done your bit, now let it be someone else's turn. Speak up and speak out (omitting the bit about the gits, perhaps) and you'll feel much better and no longer resentful. You do deserve to have the Christmas you want.

Why oh why don’t you ask your dd for a little help? She probably thinks you enjoy doing it all by yourself. There is no shame in needing help as we get older especially in your case with an autistic son to think about. Otherwise if you can afford it buy ready prepared vegetables and ready to bake meat, boughten Christmas pud and mince pies. Don’t make yourself a martyr.

But don't let them get away with it. x

If you had explained in your first post all the problems you mentioned in your second post I'm know my reply would have been different

You don't like Christmas
Your autistic son does not like Christmas
You are in a lot of pain
Your condition makes you feel down
Your grandsons are disrespectful to you and your home
Your daughter does not have a lot of time for you at the moment
She does not check her children when they are at your house
There is a lot of work involved in having family for Christmas
You are tired and dreading what should be a happy time
Nobody seems to know just how you are feeling about all of this
We are in the middle of a pandemic

So why do pretend it's all ok ?
Your daughter could invite you and your son and then you could leave when it all gets too much

I think there is a serious conversation to be had with your family as you must be a very good actress to cover up all these problems.
I hope you realise that this is a supportive reply and not a criticism

Time to make changes, Grannyscrooge. Take a deep breath and tell your family that you won't be able to host any of them this Christmas because you are in too much pain, it is too much work, and you worry too much about the children damaging things and interfering in your house, so you are going to give it a miss this year. Add that you hope they will all get together with each other of couirse, and you wouls love to join them over Zoom to wish them a happy Christmas and watch each other opening presents.

Then start planning how to meet them NOT at Christmas, when the "little gits" are not high with excitement and might be better company, and you will enjoy being with everyone so much more. However, no need to fall out with them, or rant dramatically about hating Christmas. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Why shouldn't the OP "chastise" her GC if they aren't behaving in her home janeainsworth? It may suit their parents for the children to be let loose and do whatever they want but it's perfectly reasonable for them to be told otherwise in someone else's home.

When our boys were little my friend used to refer to them and her's as "little gitlings"; always raised a smile then from the boys, and still does today.

If your grandchildren are naughty in your home, it is because you have allowed them to be. You should have laid down the house rules from the beginning. Also, tell your family you want a year off and you'll go to them instead for the meal. Don't blame your weakness to stand up for yourself on others.

Dear Grannyscrooge, you're not alone. I'm so sad for you having health issues yourself + being overwrought bt Christmas + negative comments on here. I'm always glad when it's Boxing Day and on New Years day I have my own private celebration because it's all over for another year. I'm religious as well, but Christmas is all spoilt by commercialism. Warmest wishes Grannyscrooge.

Roses

If you had explained in your first post all the problems you mentioned in your second post I'm know my reply would have been different

You don't like Christmas
Your autistic son does not like Christmas
You are in a lot of pain
Your condition makes you feel down
Your grandsons are disrespectful to you and your home
Your daughter does not have a lot of time for you at the moment
She does not check her children when they are at your house
There is a lot of work involved in having family for Christmas
You are tired and dreading what should be a happy time
Nobody seems to know just how you are feeling about all of this
We are in the middle of a pandemic

So why do pretend it's all ok ?
Your daughter could invite you and your son and then you could leave when it all gets too much

I think there is a serious conversation to be had with your family as you must be a very good actress to cover up all these problems.
I hope you realise that this is a supportive reply and not a criticism

I'm sorry, the story is so long winded and I wasn't sure how to put it all down.

Don't worry about it, grannyscrooge

My issue with Christmas is everyone else’s expectations that their needs are wants come first. Children I Understand, but parents and grandparents can be incredibly selfish on their demands on other younger people.

I found Christmas completely draining when I had small children because of this

I think it is time your daughter and her husband hosted Christmas for you and your son. Far too many adult children expect their parent(s) to carry on providing a lovely Christmas Day without making any contribution; of course they love coming because you do all the work and they sit back and let you, and allow their children to run riot as well.
Probably too late this year, but start preparing for next year by saying you simply cannot cope with it again, and how will they go about hosting it. And stick to it, as so many AC seem to think it is their parent's responsibility.
One woman I knew (in her mid -forties) was outraged when her parents announced they were going on a cruise over Christmas; they usually hosted their twin daughters plus husbands plus four children and no amount of hinting that they might take a turn worked.
The woman in point simply battened on to their next door neighbours who provided Christmas; what happened after that I don't know, but the parents never hosted it again.

No need to be sorry I'm just trying to let you know that I would not have replied the way I did if I'd have known all the facts

Im sorry that you are going through all these problems but I can't stress enough that if you don't have a conversation with your family nothing will change because they all think your fine with everything the way it is ?

Oh grannyscrooge I m sure you’re not a Scrooge at all it sounds as if you are trying to keep all the balls juggling with little help or sympathy but that may be because you are a coper and people don’t realise you re having such a tough time
They should be inviting you out
First and foremost you can’t do much if they are already invited this year but can you lock any precious things away in a particular room Do you have or could you get a lock or even a high bolt on your bedroom door
How old are these badly behaved children ?
How about for once buying some ready prepared Christmas food so you are not in the kitchen all day
And next year take your lad away to that little cottage sounds lovely
I don’t hate it but I don’t like the Christmas period either it means nothing when your family is scattered around the world and I think it’s such a big fuss about so little and it’s actually quite dispiriting when everyone is going on about their wonderful Christmasses

At the risk of insulting you, I really sense an awful lot of anger at the world in general in your post. Have you thought of having a chat to your doctor about how you feel? I’m also not a big fan of christmas. My father was an alcoholic so christmas was always a miserable time of arguments, then he died just after christmas one year. But I try to smile and enjoy it, mainly for the sake of my lovely four grandchildren. By the way, they can be total brats too. ??