I intensely dislike christmas.

Maybe you could do the little cottage bit next year? It sounds lovely and it's what you want. I do feel for you going through Christmas when you feel the way you do.
In 2021 do it the way you want and need - it's your break as much as anybody's. But prepare the others for this so they're not taken by surprise when you suddenly announce in December that it won't be open house at your house.

This time next month it will be a distant memory.

Let's hope that they are good memories

I have 2 grandsons who are spoilt little gits who I don't particularly enjoy seeing
I only have one little git but I love him dearly and wish I could see him at Christmas
?
I do have granddaughters too, but they are perfect as only girls can be.??

Merry Christmas Grannyscrooge
Bah Humbug.?????

Grannyscrooge

I'm sorry, I just feel so miserable.

It's time they put on Christmas for you
?

This year you have a good excuse not to give them Christmas. As long as you carry on doing it, they won't realise you are finding it an unwelcome struggle.

I agree with Elegran. This poster spoke a lot of sense, gave good advice and ‘no blame’ apportioned on you for being truthful about how you feel. You’re definitely not alone. I love my grandchildren and they’re delightful, but I like a peaceful Christmas too. Just tell your daughter that it’s too much for you so you’re not able to invite them for Christmas at yours this year. I don’t think you need mention the ‘gits’ behaviour (at this time) as that could cause unnecessary hurt when there’s no need to.
Btw, You’re right to chastise them - your house, your rules - although I suspect you would rather not have to play the parent role.
I don’t think it’s too late to change Christmas arrangements for this year - there’s still over a fortnight to go until the big day, shops are open until Christmas Eve so they have plenty of time to go out and buy all the food they need. It’s hardly a last minute change.
Good luck and I hope that a quiet, peaceful Christmas will bring back some of the joy that should be felt at this time.
Christmas Day is just one day and I believe no one should be under pressure to do something they don’t want to. Everyone has the right to spend that day as they please, with whom they please.

I don't think you should physically chastise them. That would leave you open to being accused of "beating" them. You are perfectly entitled, however to tell them (and their parents) in no uncertain terms that this is your house and you are not going to allow them to rummage everywhere. If you went to their house and nosed about in drawers and cupboards, I think their parents would have something to say about it!
If they are too young to understand what you are saying, then you need to either lock the doors of rooms you don't want them to go into, or suggest that Christmas Day is spent in their own home.

It never crossed my mind that you’d physically chastise them. I wouldn’t sanction that. Nor is shouting at them a recommended way of telling them off, in my book. Reasoned explanation of the rules and the consequences if they’re not followed. Then follow through so they learn.

The two children would definitely be better off in their own home, and preferably this year. It's not too late.
Just tell your daughter you're really not feeling up to hosting Christmas again.

I'm horrified that their dad consoles them when you quite rightly and reasonably tell them off for messing with sharp tools; would he rather you let them injure themselves? Silly man. He should be supervising them better himself in the first place.

You really do sound at breaking point Grannyscrooge and no-one has the right to make you feel like that in your own home.
Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?
I feel really upset for you ☹️
Please put yourself first for once.

I can't think of anything worse than spending the day with badly-behaved children.
Going through the drawers? They're bored?

Grannyscrooge

This is a genuine post. I can't just up and leave as I have an adult Autistic son who needs me. He finds it all soo difficult at this time of year and isolates himself away. My daughter and her husband love coming round and I put on a front to give them the best time. I have a severe pain condition, EDS and spend the season in utmost discomfort but I cover it to make sure everyone is happy. I have unstable hips, joints that dislocate and veins that burst under the skin at the slightest pressure. I was under the impression that this was a support forum for everyone, not a place to bash someone who is having a hard time. As I get older my condition becomes more painful and everything is so much harder. But not to worry I will just soldier on. thank for all the positivity.

I think it's time you spoke to your DD and SIL, they are adults and given your own health problems and the added problems presented by the situation with your adult son, DD and SIL should be stepping up and taking the pressure off you NOT adding to it by enjoying a leisurely Christmas at your home and allowing their children to run amok!

Chardy

I can't think of anything worse than spending the day with badly-behaved children.
Going through the drawers? They're bored?

Yes Chardy, they are bored! It's time their parents took control!

Still not convinced, sorry.

You sound so miserable about this, Grannyscrooge and I’m not surprised, reading your various posts explaining the situation.

Unfortunately, you are the only one who can do anything to change things. You need to come up with a plan (plenty of ideas from others in here!) and implement it. Remember, ‘No’ is a complete sentence. Your dd is old enough to be a mother of two and so she’s old enough to put on her big girl pants and embrace a different kind of Christmas, whatever you decide to do.

A little story: I saw an elderly neighbour who used to host her family for Xmas every year. One time I asked if it was plans as usual. ‘No!’ she said, ‘I’m sick of them all, ungrateful lot! I’ve booked a three week holiday to China with a friend, we’re going before Christmas and we won’t be back until New Year.’

The neighbour died last year (at 94) and at her funeral, my Dh and I were inwardly giggling as her children and grandchildren eulogised about how she loved having them all home for Christmas. If only they knew what she’d said about them!

I think you should simply tell your DD that you cannot cater for so many people at Christmas and she can do Christmas for her family.

Tell her your health is not good enough any more.

If you just had Christmas with your son, it would be easier for you and for him. You might even enjoy it.

Just be bold and tell your daughter you need a rest this year to put your feet up and relax. Stop being a doormat! I really feel for you. you need a hug!

Grannyscrooge hasn't said anything about physically chastising her GC Elegran and Eve; where did that come from?

I disagree with the poster who said it's the OP's fault if the GC don't behave in her home, for not laying down the rules. No; it's the P's responsibility to back her up if she chastises the children, the children are their responsibility after all.

Children are happiest in their own homes at Christmas with their own (new) toys.

Grannyscrooge, you are a full time carer to your son, you have a pain condition, this is a more demanding time of year for you. You sound frazzled and tired to me. Being a carer is demanding even without our own health issues on top of it. Who is looking after you?

You can and need to change things for yourself. The cottage is a great idea and you have a right to decide how you want to spend Christmas. If you want to spend it at home, you can tell everyone that you are having a quiet Christmas at home with your son this year. If they are disappointed, they will get over it and make their own plans.

You are allowed to have a talk to the parents ahead of visits and let them know that you would like them to stop their children going through your things. If they don't, you have the right to tell them to please not go into Gma's cupboards, or redirect them, or ask their parents to please ask their children to stop going through your cupboards. You also have the right to reduce visits.

Limits on visits and actions with your grandchildren and adult children, especially in your own home, are okay.

I wonder though, do you always feel this way or is this just a Christmas thing? If it is Christmas, make changes. You aren't obligated to do anything. It's stressful for your son who lives with you anyway, so better for you both. If it goes beyond the season, a chat with your doctor might be in order to see what support you can get to make things easier.

I can see you actually love the “little gits”.
Christmas is such a stressful time. I have got toys for my little ones, spread out on the dining table and now I can’t remember what’s for who .........

Smileless
chastice - transitive verb.
1 : to censure severely : castigate
2 : to inflict punishment on (as by whipping)
Merriam Webster Dictionary
I was ruling out meaning 2 when I said, "I don't think you should physically chastise them. "

Mistyped - should have been chastise

I feel so concerned for you. You sound exhausted. Do you get any respite from caring for your son? I don’t know the details and if he can be left alone for a few hours, but if so, would you be able to go and open presents with your DD and her family? Would your son be happier to stay at home?
You clearly need to change things and that may take energy and diplomacy that you are struggling to summon up. If the travel time between you and your DD, could you work out how to spend just part of the day together or meet on Boxing Day. This year is the perfect year to make changes or just a change for this year even. Use COVID as an excuse. It is not too late - there are more than two weeks to sort things out.
In the longer term, I hope you can have a break where you do what you want. If I understood more about your son’s situation it would be possible to make other suggestions, but the pressure of having an adult child still at home needing support is immense.
I have recently put a lock on the office/sewing room door for safety and privacy. I have paperwork on the desk that I don’t want anyone also to look at.
Children who rampage around are sometimes bored; can you set up an activity for the children after presents are opened, decorating biscuits, with help if necessary, setting the table, folding napkins, lots of praise.
Good luck. Come back and speak to us and get it off your chest. I’ve had some very grumpy
Christmases for which I deserve a medal for the smile I kept on my face.

Lucca

Still not convinced, sorry.

I agree

Really!!! I spent ages replying feeling like a horrible person because initially I was not sympathetic until we were told more reasons

Why would someone do that?