I intensely dislike christmas.

There's so much pretending that goes on at Christmas. Everyone afraid to say what they feel. We all go through the motions.

If you’re still reading you’re not alone. I’ve always hated hosting Christmas but as I won’t be doing it this year, I’ve realised that I don’t hate it as much as I thought! This may not be the case for you...it may be that you pull out all the stops and do it extremely well but suffer because of it. I think you’re very entitled to say you’re going to stop now. You’ve done it for so long and someone else in the family can take their turn. Leave it at that, this year, or next...and see what the response is. I hear your comments but actually I think a lot of them (that have been criticised on here) have come from someone who’s stressed and in pain. It’s understandable. Time to change.

Poor you. Sounds like you are very, very kind, and feels like others are not keeping you in mind, as you are with them. Can you ask for help from your daughter? The adults around you should be aware of your condition and how much it costs you physically to host. And regarding chastisement, children need and respond to boundaries, so giving them some rules to follow ('don't open cupboards without asking' etc) is great. It might feel difficult at first but if you don't tell them no-one will know you mind. It's lovely that they love to come to you. Ask them to help you once they are there. You are doing too much on your own and for little reward. I feel for you but a bit of communication is needed here, before it gets out of hand.

Could you not use the very valid reason that it is too risky to have a get-together this year? You need to protect yourselves from the virus as much as possible and energetic little boys could be carriers.

You are allowed to ask for help, you know. My late mum began to find it difficult to host us all every year, but couldn’t or wouldn’t accept help. Then one year she just said to me that maybe it was my turn to take things over, so I did. This year is different of course, but my three children all help with the cooking etc. They tend to look after the sides while I cope with the turkey and pudding. I am glad to say that for the moment my nearly 5-year old granddaughter behaves beautifully. Her father, who is an ex-Royal Marine, probably wouldn’t have it any other way. So the moral is, if your family don’t offer help, ask for it. It’s not rocket science.

Tell your daughter that this year you are having a quiet Christmas. She will probably be relieved and can either visit her husband’s family without feeling divided in two, or they can have a family Christmas on their own. You can have a celebration day out in the summer all together (maybe with other in-laws). This year everybody has a readymade excuse for doing whatever they want to do. Once a precedent has been made you just carry on doing what you enjoy most.

Grannyscrooge you have my full support. Gransnetters may make some helpful suggestions but, like you, I have a painful condition and the thought of all the hassle of booking a cottage or an hotel and journeying there would defeat me as I have no mental or physical energy. I completely understand your feelings about your grandchildren: it’s a different world to the one we grew up in and the pressure put on modern parents by their working lives plus the revolting commercialisation of Christmas seems to cause them to be reluctant to discipline their children. My own grown-up children have accused me of being too strong a disciplinarian in their childhood, but I was holding down a full-time job and had to have co-operation from them. It sounds awful, but I am pleased I’m self shielding and will only have my gloomy husband to put up with. The idea of previous Christmases, slaving after everybody makes me shudder. I wish you all the best.

Possibly tell (nicely) your DD and SIL in advance that you and DH would be grateful if they warned the GC to behave and intervened in their unruly behaviour when they are in your house, because you are feeling very frail these days? It is easy for young parents to assume that GPs are as enthralled by their sprogs as they are. It might come even better from your DH.

And to Ladyleftfieldlover: “... it’s not rocket science.” Rather patronising and unhelpful don’t you think?

I hate to admit it but I dread Christmas too. Its the sheer hard work. The presents buying and wrapping, the house decorating, the big grocery shop. On the day my husband and I are working for hours in the kitchen. He always gets tetchy and I feel tearful. He gets so tired he cant/won't eat his dinner when its ready. Everyone comes to us without a second thought.

I don't know why I find myself being sad at Christmas . I don't mind buying the presents , doing the food shopping and cooking the food . I'm not sure if it's because of people who have past or family that I am estranged from . I always put on a brave face , so not to spoil anyone else's Christmas but I could cry at a top of hat . I'm really also not fussed about receiving gifts but I refuse to ruin anyone else's Christmas . So I will have to pull on my big girl pants and carry on .

One year our usual Christmas hosts just said 'we won't be doing it again this year'. No fuss, no reasons (we all knew which one the 'git' was though and it wasn't the DGC). They were getting older too and it was too much for them. AC just do not realise how debilitating it is being in pain and having less energy, so don't expect them to. Concentrate on your DS and your needs. Maybe say that you can't manage to cook a Christmas meal this year, is that a problem? Maybe your DD will have just as lovely a time in her own home. Do break the cycle before it breaks you. Generally you sound worn out, do try to get help yourself during the year if you can.

Dear grannyscrooge...its because you are so easy going that they love coming to you. And that is a compliment. On a negative side it could be seen as you being taken for granted and an easy option...perhaps you have always pampered your daughter...but now you have to put up with her little boys who you amusingly call little gits - o god aren't they all - and it looks like she pampers her children too.
So it seems to me that you are loath to forego your daughter's company and are cross because it comes with so much else. She obviously feels very safe and comfortable and loved in your company and would not feel the same in her husband's family. I think we all understand that.
But as an adored daughter in the past who loved going to her mums at Christmas with my children I did expect it to be all about them and my children to be adored because they were mine...like my dog later on was adored by my mum because he was mine. I loved her so much for loving what I loved. And I miss her love madly. Having said that for the last 35 years of her life she came to me for Christmas and helped me make it homely. Since she has died I have rather lost interest...my sons family wont visit? no idea why, we manage to all get together at my daughters as my DIL prefers that. I cant even imagine what it would be like to have my grandchildren at my house on Christmas day at least this year there is a decent excuse.
So good luck grannyscrooge you must be doing a lot that is right. And all children are little gits at heart and get away with what they can! My granddaughters when they do visit my house (round about my birthday) march straight upstairs get in my bed...raid the bookshelves put on any make up and I smile and laugh glad to be out of the way of my son's wife and just be with them...as its the only time I ever have, but it is odd. All families are odd in their own ways. And people are contrary...because you are not begging their company you are irresistable!

Oh Grannyscrooge, I feel exactly the same, I hate the fuss, the consumer rip off culture that people feel they have to somehow aspire to and the overall horribleness of all the negotiations around who? Where? When? I too spend a lot of the "festive" season close to tears. I find it a horribly lonely time of year in a way that has nothing to do with being alone.
My solution is to focus on the Winter solctice and the return of the light - far more evocative and hopeful!

I’m so sorry you feel like this and if going away on your own is what you want to do ....... then do it

I rented a cottage last new year for just me and my dog and had the most wonderful time doing just what I wanted.
Did I feel guilty? No...... it was just what I needed, away from the hustle and bustle and expectations of everyone else

grannyscrooge, I think you should have a serious talk to your daughter or write it in a letter, explaining your health issues and depression over Christmas. If she's any kind of loving daughter she will understand and pretending everything is all right is doing no one any favours.
Have you thought about some kind of respite care for your son either leading up to Christmas or after, maybe too late this year but it might give you breathing space.
I think Christmas is over rated and over commercialised and have enjoyed it less since my own mother died at age 57.
She used to host big Christmas lunches and teas and used to get exhausted by it.
If I could I would sail away for Christmas!
best love
Jac

Just a thought ... Can’t you get your daughter to host Christmas then you can just leave when you’ve had enough?! Tell her you are not well enough to do it this year?!

So sorry you are dreading Christmas so much. I can empathise with you regarding your pain I suffer with RSD/CRPS, so have an inkling of your suffering.
As you are dreading this Christmas so much, could you use the Covid restrictions as an option to opt out of having to host the day? Or is your DD and her family part of your bubble?

@grannyscrooge, I don't enjoy Christmas either! it's always hard work and I have two chronic, long term health conditions to manage - I'm not often well. Yet I absolutely adore my grandchildren! it's the adults who test my patience! I didn't have grandparent support for my two growing up but I had ever present grandparents when I grew up in the 70s. Best thing to do is to try to get to know your grandsons on their own. Young children need exercise so a run around outside before they enter your house is advisable. I too miss my daughters - the children they once were - but it's the grandchildren I focus on now & it's hard going with the contempt and rudeness their mothers throw my way. I sometimes work in learning support and miss the job I had in a local public school where the parents were always well mannered so it was easier to work with their children! Don't feel bad about not liking Christmas - it's not a crime! I dread the adults personally! The spite and unkindness isn't something I look forward to so I just endure for any window with the grandchildren. We have the children ( 2, 4, 6yo) over to stay frequently thank God!!

Instead of a 'tree' why not get a large load of dead twigs and offcuts of some non -poisonous foliage;dump it in a corner with paper chains and Christmas crackers in it, presents also. The kids wont care if wrapping is sketchy and the 'tree' did not cost any money. What they like is the mystery .

As I said earlier, for food , give them in moderation the the sort of rubbish they probably prefer. Mine all loved Heinz ketchup with everything and still do at the age of 60 +. It is not much work to scatter xmas crackers and colorful mysterious objects among the plates of turkey twizzlers and french fries.

I do recommend to make available lots of very pink drink in large exciting bottles with no added sugar. Sugar is not good for kids who can become dehydrated on special occasions and that makes them hyperactive and bad tempered.

Wow, Some very smug opinions expressed. Well done, hope it all stays fine for you!
I was going to say I’m sorry you feel the way you do Grannyscrooge but really, why shouldn’t you. I’m a bit fed up with Christmas too. I agree with you, it is a huge amount of very hard work for what? I also have to bite my tongue when I hear parents allowing their offspring act in a way I wouldn’t have put up with. I suspect this is often guilt as they sadly spend so little time with them and I do sympathise with that. With respect, I’m sure you, like me, had many years of doing absolutely everything to make Christmas magical when your children were young. I do think you have to ask yourself why are you still doing it? It is time for your DD to take over her own family and make new traditions. I’m sure she does love coming to you!! Wouldn’t you have loved to have someone do all the hard work when your family were young? Maybe she feels she has to come to you because its better for her brother?Like some other posters have said, you will have to stand up for yourself. I hope you don’t think I’m being harsh or unsupportive but the change has to start with you. I know it is very hard to see the woods from the trees just now, but if you can get courage to face up to the way you feel and tell your daughter, hopefully you’ll be able to sort it out together and find a way for you all to enjoy the season. I’m not able to spend Christmas with my family due to Covid and tbh, I’m looking forward to not having all the work this year! It’s only one day, and I way prefer spending time with them all when things are less stressed! Happy Christmas to all, and especially those who are lonely. Being alone by choice is one thing, but my heart does go out to those missing family, lets hope 2021 is a better year.

Dear Grannyscrooge, you didn’t explain in your post that you’re in continuous pain, nor that you have an adult autistic son - the latter being emotionally draining and the former being physically draining, esp if you’re on various medications. I too had two extremely mischievous and riotous little grandsons who are turning out to be charming and helpful young men - it’s only a phase and they’ve probably been cooped up a lot this year? I think you need to broach the subject with your daughter, son in law and husband if he’s still alive (you mention ‘we’). Plan for next year that all the work is divided up fairly between you. Also, that after Christmas lunch you and your daughter are going out for a couple of hours, a walk or coffee somewhere (even if it’s your own flask). The menfolk to ensure that everything is cleared and washed up by your return!

If this Pandemic has taught us anything it is that life is too short to be miserable, you may have left it a bit late to do anything this year but maybe in the new year broach the subject with your daughter, explain that you are in pain, she isn’t psychic and is wrapped up in her and the children’s lives and hasn’t realised that you are in pain and that you hate the current situation at Christmas, they could always start their own family traditional Christmas at home and invite you over just for Dinner on Christmas Day so you can enjoy the rest of the time how you want to next year but you will have to say something even it is very hard to do, you won’t be spoiling Christmas for anyone and may even enjoy it a little without the pressure you are putting on yourself , I hope you can sort it out as you will be happier and it will filter though to everyone else too

I have not read all the posts, apologies, 6 pages!
just got this...

I don`t hate Christmas, it is what we have done to Christmas that I hate..

thankfully, my family agree with me , to a certain extent.

perhaps others have already said this..

one example Christmas is often expressed a Xmas! says it all for me,, delete Christ.

No one is entitled to give you a hard time Grannyscrooge. Have you considered doing Christmas at home for just you and your son? Whilst Covid19 is breaking some peoples' hearts, it might be just the reason for you to say "no mixing" this year. Say you are waiting for the vaccine to roll out and would prefer to keep your risk at a minimum, particularly with your health issues. You can always say how much you look forward to seeing them next year. If you say it today then everyone else still has time to reoganise themselves. Regarding your grandsons, I must say it would make me very angry to have children rifling through my stuff, and I would have to say something. I would never have dreamt of allowing my children to sort through other peoples' belongings, and I don't think it's "modern parenting" - it's bad manners. I have a very strict rule for anyone who comes to my house - "My house, my rules". I've always felt what people allow in their own houses is their business, particularly regarding their children's behaviour. But I don't have to accept it. I have to say, it has never stopped my friends or relatives bringing their children to visit. Everyone feels very welcome!!