The Gransnet Virtual Christmas party 2020 with Ensure NutriVigor

Q: What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly?
A: Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

I love some of these, having a good chuckle while I wrap presents.

Don't drink and wrap presents by the way, I'm going to check who got a TV remote for Christmas ;)

Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?

One day my prints will come

Ugly bloke next door said "will you kiss me under the mistletoe?"
I replied " I wouldn't kiss you under anaesthetic"

Chester my dog is getting into the Christmas spirit!

I have bought eight legs of venison for £40. Do you think that is too deer!

This made me smile. Happy Christmas and hope you smile too!

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the decorations counter, and tried to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.
Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland?'.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.
'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to the old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'

What did Rudolph want for Christmas? A sleigh station :D

Ok I'll show myself out

they tried to make me go to rehab I said
HO HO HO merry Christmas every one

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

merry christmas everyone

What do you get crossing a snowman with a vampire? – Frostbite

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitus

Why does Santa live at The North Pole? Because that's where his house is

Q. What do you call a grumpy reindeer?
A. Rude-olph

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
They were two deer

Santa's been banned from coming down the chimney this year. That's Elf n Safety for you!

Who is in charge of santa's covid vaccination?
Elf and safety

Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? ?

Because they always drop their needles ?

And it wouldn't be a party without silly games, would it?
So, who's up for a game of Christmas Pass the Parcel?
First choose your character:
DPD: "Your package is in your city, in a van driven by Mike. It will arrive on your doorstep at 5.27pm today."
YODEL: "Your package is coming. It'll get there when it gets there."
HERMES: "What package?"
AMAZON: " We are already in your apartment. Check the bathroom"
FACEBOOK: " We know you were thinking about getting a toaster yesterday. Here are 20 ads about toasters"

And all the very best to everyone

What do you call a dog who works for Santa?

Santa Paws

Merry Christmas to you all!
I’m going to have to make a note of these jokes for my eldest Grandson. He’ll love them!

What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker!