Should I Say Something ?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

If we try not to be emotional here (hard, I know) and look at this rationally: what possible good could come of mentioning that you would have liked a show of gratitude?

Like you, I would be hurt, and certainly inclined to keep my purse more tightly closed next time your son and DIL would like something or other, that they can't afford.

If they then say something along the lines of, "but you helped us before" you can say, "And got precious little thanks for it" if you really must express your disappointment.

Presumably, they feel they have thanked you suffiiciently.
Saying anything will only do harm IMO.

We have received far fewer Christmas cards than normal. I am quite happy with that and I do think they are going out of fashion. We enjoy the catch-up ones from old friends who we tend not to contact for the rest of the year. I have just subscribed to Jacqui Lawson for a year of electronic cards for Christmas, birthdays etc for £15.00. I am going to give that a try for all but those people who find a card really special. I think our children generation don't really think about Christmas cards too much but show their gratitude through electronic means . It does not suggest lack of love.

I haven't sent any cards this year and was surprised when I received cards given the current covid situation.
Perhaps they have been strapped for cash due to furlough and moving into new home etc
Personally I would have been unlikely to buy an expensive version of a household item.

It's never too late to teach our adult children good manners.

If a grown adult doesn't know how to thank his own mother properly, he is in need of a word in his ear. If you don't do this now, he'll spend the next 40 years of his life blissfully causing upset.

I know you can do it kindly and without bitterness.

Grannieamnie2010

An adult will learn by himself/herself when they are doing something wrong

The time to parent an adult offspring has long gone

What is to thank her mother "properly"? Everybody has their own definition, there is not only one.

Comments like this infantilize adults and may create rifts in the family. Talk about help or presents with strings.

That’s a very kind thing to do beadyone, yes they thanked you in a text, but I know my adult children would call me via phone call and thank us personally. I wouldn’t say anything to them though. It’s not much to ask from your son

On a positive note I have sent gifts/cheques/cards to my nephew who I very rarely see every Christmas and birthday with not one thank you or even acknowledgement. Many times I've thought I would stop doing so and then this year out of the blue I recv'd a very nice note thanking us for the gift and wishing us a Happy NY. People change.

Beadyone They sent you a text and thanked you for the gift.
I understand that may be the modern way but it would have been more personal for your son to have made an effort and been more creative in thanking you in a better way.

Did you see them for Christmas? are you in their bubble.?

They may be short on money but even a small home made gift or a Christmassy plant would not have cost much but could have shown they were appreciative of you, thinking of you in that way would not have broke the budget, I think they are mean.

I can identify a little bit with you Beadyone as I too have been very generous to my daughter & SIL this past year. I too only got a text thank you at the time but that's ok. However, perhaps when you next feel you would like to help, remember how you feel now & count to ten before you step in with your lovely generosity.

My niece never says thanks for anything you get her, and I am sick of people making excuses for the very entitled, ungrateful younger generation.

songstress60

My niece never says thanks for anything you get her, and I am sick of people making excuses for the very entitled, ungrateful younger generation.

Because sweeping generalisations are always the best way to go?
Maybe you’re just unlucky but the members of the younger generation with whom I am involved are kind, generous and hardworking. Far more so than some of the older generation I encounter who feel that age bestows the privilege of rudeness and entitlement.

This is a bit off the point, but must say I had a lovely surprise from my eldest Grandson who is a student, he is 21, I gave him and his Cousins money for Christmas,last evening he knocked on our door and presented me with a bottle of my favourite wine,He had thanked me on our brief meeting on Christmas Day. I was so touched at his kindness and thoughtfulness

I would be very wary of buying them anything again.

Lots of people aren't sending cards this year incase they send germs with them.
I bet when this is all over you get invited around for tea in their new house and they will tell you how much they appreciated your gifts.
Until then it's all a bit covid and stressful out there.

Not getting a Christmas card wouldn't bother me but a text thank you would.
I too am fed up with feeble excuses made for some of the younger generation who have no manners. Notice I say some.
I was brought up with manners.
Sorry, but the expensive gifts would stop. I would feel as if I was being taken advantage of.

DS and DDIL moved into a new house before Christmas. We said we'd buy them a new fridge or washing machine as a housewarming gift. They bought the fanciest fridge I've ever seen which must have cost an eye watering amount of money and to be honest I wouldn't have been best pleased to have to pay for it. However, they told us we could pay for the washing machine and they wouldn't expect any Christmas presents this year.They bought us a joint present though.

Beadyone you gave them two generous gifts and, as I read your post, you are upset that you didn't receive either a card or a small gift from them at Christmas, not as 'repayment' for your gifts but just out of thoughtfulness. You mention the furlough scheme as a reason but, as it paid 80% of salary at first for many, without having to pay for travel and with added time at home, it was not too bad for some. It may even have been timely for your son's fiancée while they were moving house and they certainly had time to look for the exact items they wanted. Even if they were busy and did not have time to get cards for friends, I think you are entitled to be a bit hurt that your DS didn't make the time to buy you a small gift or card. They did after all choose their own gift so it's obviously not because they don't hold with giving gifts. If this is the first time he's not lived at home, they may just be still working out that one or both of them needs to sort out Christmas! Either way, in answer to your question, don't mention it. They may not realise yet that if a little token is important to you they should give one, even if it's not important to them.

I cant imagine, never buying my parent a present, for Christmas or birthday. It's bad manners not to say thank you properly. They could of least picked up the phone to say how please they were with their gifts.
I have stopped buying for people who no longer say thanks or acknowledge that they even received their gift. If they can't be bothered, neither can I

A thank you, either verbal or written is the right thing to do. My DM is almost 100, she sends money for her grandchildren and great grandchildren, her grandson doesn’t thank her, he hasn’t sent her a card or phoned her. He says ‘I don’t do cards’ perhaps DM should say ‘I don’t do presents’. It is good manners to say thank you or Merry Christmas.

I'm so sorry, Hithere - I didn't mean to touch a raw nerve. You see, when I've seen my son behave thoughtlessly towards his lovely partner, I see it as failing in my duty to simply allow (thus perpetuating) bad behaviour. So I put my hand on his shoulder and gently and quietly let him know what he's failed to do, adding with a wink, "Didn't your mother teach you any manners?" He gets the message, and behaves better. I might not see change in his behaviour if I simply wait and hope.

It's news to me that I should have fully completed all my teaching of good manners by the time my children hit 18. After all, I am still open to learning myself!

I'm with you too Beady One. All this "oh poor things their lives are so difficult" etc makes me so annoyed. Simple good manners apply in the giving and receiving of gifts. It costs next to nothing in time or expense to express appreciation and thanks for a gift, any gift, whether it be a box of chocolates or an expensive appliance. A heartfelt "thankyou" generates pleasure and satisfaction for the giver, just like the gift did for the recipient. What is the problem with that? And if they know that their relative loves a card, why not just send one? Christmas is the season of goodwill towards others. Be kind, be thoughtful! I detest bad manners and not expressing gratitude is just plain bad manners.

I repeat - why is sending a text considered bad manners, when it is a 'thank you' text? A text is just a way of sending a message, and it is a lot better for the environment than sending a card.

I genuinely don't understand why people see one communication channel as 'good manners' and another as 'bad'.

It’s just rudeness not to say thank you for gifts, no matter what the value, and a text is just not enough.

Doodledog, which would you prefer to receive from someone whom you've made an effort for - a supermarket bought cake or a home-baked cake? It's not about the medium of the message but more to do with the effort put in. More significantly, if the recipient would enjoy a card more than a text, why send a text? You wouldn't give a diabetic a box of chocolates, would you? But if you gave a diabetic a box of diabetic chocolates it would show that you put a bit of thought and effort in. Why is it too much to ask for someone who has received a significant gift to simply get a card, write in it, stick a stamp on and post it? Is it because it takes a bit of time and effort, whereas it's just seconds to send a text, clearly demonstrating that the texter has no time for the giver?