No help, no gift so we are skiing

My son lived at home rent and board free when he was a full time student. He was away term time and worked in the holidays. Couldn’t work term time as his degree demanded odd hours of attendance at weekends and evenings, so he wasn’t well off. I supported him with cash and help where he needed it He is 30 now and has bought his own place. He was always a loving and helpful presence and still is, helping with chores and doing little things for me. He always bought small thoughtful gifts and realises the value not just of material comforts but of the loving and supportive family he has had (I hope). Your children perhaps do not appreciate the value of the love and support you have given them these years and which so many others never have. If they take their entitled behaviour out into the big bad world, it will chew them up and spit them out! The tough, who have really struggled, will certainly prove the stronger.

I have two younger children and even at their age I'd be horrified with no help like this and to be frankly and totally undervalued. You sound like lovely parents and I hope you can maybe have a chat with them or for something to help them see how much you do for them x

SecondHandRose
I think you’re actually Spending the Kids’ Inheritance, aren’t you? Not actually going ski-ing?! Good for you! I would definitely go away somewhere nice next Christmas. Just wondering though - have your children never bought you presents? If not, then they’ve obviously come to think that it’s not necessary.
Our daughter once didn’t buy me a birthday present - because we were away on holiday! 🤔 Perhaps she thought we weren’t coming back…

It sounds like you and your husband have had a wake up call, good for you putting the money towards your holiday. They are adults now and as the old saying goes treat people like they treat you

I understand completely where you are coming from, BUT!! my son is 32 years old, severe ADHD, he got up at 6am Christmas day, prepped all the veg, and did all the cooking!! He did great, it was a lovely Christmas dinner, and to my surprise when I got up to clear away and wash up, I was told to go and sit down, that he was doing it all, as I do it all year, so it was my day off!! ADHD or not, I feel you have been too easy on your adult children! Mine cleared the table from 7 years old, and did light chores. It teaches them what to expect when they are older. Please don't get me wrong, my son is "triggered" easily too, but you can't let them rule you. Somewhere there has to be boundaries surely? The arguments I've endured over the years I could write a best seller about, but I stood up to my son in what is right and wrong and taught him to treat others with manners and respect. We would fall out big time, but you could be sure he went away and thought about what i'd said, and I knew by his actions he'd actually realised I was simply guiding him in the right and wrongs in life, and why I put boundaries in place. It's paid off, he is one of the most kindest helpful people I know that would help anyone out if he could, and expect nothing in return apart from a "thank you very much".

Brilliant!! Quietly done and made you feel so much better. No need for rows on Christmas day.

You sound quite passive aggressive, and that's quite difficult for setting boundaries. but nothing will change unless you clearly state your expectations of what you feel is acceptable behaviour. There doesn't appear to be mutual respect or even caring and it sounds like you and your OH have given up.. probably some space would help so they can learn to live independently and take responsibility...

I think this problem may be yours. Let them live rent free. Don’t insist they do their bit. By your lack of guidance they know no other way of behaving.

A friend of mine has a married daughter, both her and her husband work, but yet she never has money by the middle of the month. He puts money on their gas and electric meters and gives her a couple of hundred pounds to see her to the end of the month which they spend on take aways, etc. He never gets the money back when they get paid. He complains to me, but keeps doing it. Their kids now are doing the same to him asking for games, McDs daily, etc knowing he's a soft touch. He actually took equity out on his house and gave them the money, the other daughter got nothing because he said she manages her money well and didn't need it.
You go away on holidays, etc; spend your money like you said and let them look after themselves as they need to learn, they have a cushy number at yours.

Your AC are behaving like fledglings with open gapes. Make the nest less cosy for them.
Might I suggest that next year you and your DH have a Christmas Day meal at a restaurant? A table for two?

just reading this today and hope that you did have a great time ski ing. Rather than looking back at that you now have a new year coming up which may be a good time for you and your husband to discuss the different things,. So how would you ideally like the household to run? What is the minimum you could expect each person to contribute whether financially or in not only doing jobs but thinking about what needs doing in advance, not just the immediate. You know what your children could probably accomplish so you should be able to have at least a bottom line , then have a family get together about it. Putting it off wont solve anything and if there are going to be ructions about it , having thought it out carefully you should be able to present the facts in a straightforward way. Then the difficult part !! Sticking to the plan. If they are meant to change their beds clear and hoover their rooms etc DONT under any circumstance you do it. However smelly and messy it gets that is their lookout. I know it is difficult to live in a pigsty but it is for a limited time not forever. When my son was a young teenager and I had a very bad back I asked him to put away anything private and clear the floor in his bedroom and I would be giving it a good going over. I asked 3 times and it was put off and put off, So I went up and got on my hands and knees and put everything from football boots to precious posters and clothes etc all onto his bed, hoovered as I intended and put the duvet over the mess. When he came in and went upstairs he got quite a shock, but it definitely worked. Make a no mans land and try to ignore what their mess is like. If they do not make an effort to share in the work, then perhaps you and your husband could make your own meal and leave them to make their own. Dont wash their pots up etc etc. So you are either a group of people living in a co operative way together or you are in separate groups. When and if they ever have to live with other people they need to know how to work together and not be totally selfish. If they dont learn this they will end up on their own in a mess, so however hard things are it is better for them to begin to learn some independance in basic cooking and cleaning and shopping now. Good luck and hope your ski ing goes well . a happy and better new year for your all

I’m glad my kids just help without being asked. They muck about a bit in the kitchen but clean everything up . They don’t put the best crockery away but do the bins and sweep the floor. They make me a drink and buy me a gift the pay 10% of what they bring home and put petrol in my car if they borrow it. I honestly can’t get my head around why your children think it’s ok not to do similar. Something is radically wrong with their attitude to you.

Maybe a holiday over Xmas next year ?

I'm sorry but I think it's your own fault, your hou your rules, yes cut them a bit of slack but there is no reason they shouldn't help around the house and contribute a little to the cost of meals, maybe each cook one day a week, you're not running a hotel and the sooner they learn to look after themselves the better for them, if they don't like it suggest they get their own accommodation

Good idea, have a great time and do more of what makes you happy. Stick to it don’t buckle and give them more over having the money for yourselves 😊

He is 28 soon, works part time, college part time. I ask him for £200 a month, he says you dont need the money so why should I pay it. I say that has no bearing on it whatsoever. So then what do I do? He lives in complete chaos. Surrounded by rubbish and wouldn’t wash his clothes unless I wash them.
DD had been estranged from us for several years. She has been home 6
months and is also working and studying. She is much nicer than she used to be but uses the house as a hotel.

We are currently looking at flats to get rid of the pair of them.

Oh yes and by skiing I mean spending the kid’s inheritance. I hate the cold!

My mum was like this when we were teenagers. It never occurred to me to help as she just did everything. One day she had been out and came home to dirty dishes in the sink. She just exploded and called us lazy lumps. From then on we did our bit but it would have been better if she'd told us years earlier what she needed from us.

A person with autistic spectrum disorder will need specific instruction, they will not naturally intuit that you are sitting there waiting for someone to clear/wash up/make the coffee. You need to make your expectations explicit to him, but you didn't ask because you expected resistance! Well, I have to say that you are not alone amongst parents of autistic children, but you will get nowhere if you don't change your own behaviour. Best to tell him well in advance that the deal is: Mum and Dad will cook, you and your sister will clear/wash-up etc. Include a time-frame for this to be achieved i.e. NOT "later". Sounds as though your daughter also needs specific instruction - she probably thinks she can get away with it because her brother does too. As for meeting resistance, tell him that there will be NO Christmas lunch if he does not agree. I write with experience of this personally and professionally. As for no gifts from your daughter, even if she has no savings, could she not have made you something personal? Don't give gifts to people over 21 if they do not reciprocate. I'm glad you're going skiing, and it's too late for this year, but start laying the grounds for Christmas 2023 in November for both of them. Good luck!

Well done Enjoy the skiing

I'm just wondering what need having your DCs dependant on you fulfills for you. You say you didn't ask for help because you would be met with resistance. There are 365 days in a year, and only 1 Christmas Day. Even if you only have a family meal once a week the clearing up and indeed the preparation should be naturally shared by now. It shouldn't be a question of asking and being met with resistance. It should be habit. You have a year to change things round. Start now.

And ADHD is no reason or excuse for not doing things. Indeed the physical activity of setting the table, or of clearing away whilst others sit could be welcomed. ADHD can be regarded as a positive attribute if the abilities it includes are recognised and built on. I was once at a lecture where we were told that people with ADHD are largely responsible for starting new independent businesses, that sometimes they fail, but they will try again, and fostering that impulsive, but pioneering, spirit is key to helping them achieve success.

Too right - mid twenties living at home not paying rent while having a paid job and part-time study for the future. You are doing more than enough and if they can`t be bothered to help at Christmas I would be flexing my parenting muscles and telling them to go flatshare somewhere.

I think you were more than generous with £100 each - ungrateful, lazy, so-and-sos…. There’s no excuse for grown up children behaving like this. Enjoy your holiday!

You say both AC ha e isdues but if they can hold well paid jobs and be part time students they do better than a lot without issues. About time you thought of them as independent adults and treated them as such.

So then what do I do You don't wash his clothes SecondhandRose. When his fellow students and those he works with start commenting in his appearance and body odour he'll change his tune, and you don't feed him either, until he starts paying his way.