No help, no gift so we are skiing

If your son has ADHD and possibly ASD, to expect him to move out when he completes his course is unrealistic. From what you have said he has had no training in independence skills, you have not trained him to live independently, he doesn't pay rent, doesn't help around the house, has meltdowns, and needs medication.

My son had a similar diagnosis and even WITH training at home and his special boarding school 15 years later he still struggles. ASD doesn't suddenly disappear any more than ADHD does.

To manage alone you should be helping him to budget. To share bills, rent, and food costs. You need to teach him to cook, to maintain his clothing, safety and organisation of his home.

I'm not sure why you posted but I feel sorry for your children you may have paid for them, but that apart I can't help but wonder how you have supported your children into adulthood.

I think £100 is a hugely generous gift, and I don't think that you need to explain spending your own money on yourselves.

Also, you are not spending your children's inheritance, you're spending the money you have earned on yourselves, as your children are apparently doing as they have jobs and pay nothing towards their own upkeep. No one has a right to expect that their parents will leave them anything, especially after a lifetime of supporting them.

I think it's very rude and selfish of your children not to get presents for their parents, and lazy and ignorant of them to make no effort to assist in the household tasks. I don't think it's up to you to instruct adults on their behaviour, but equally I don't think you have an obligation to provide free room, board and services for wage earning adults. Frankly, if they want to live in hotel where they are waited on they should go and live in one and pay for the privilege, and you can rent their rooms at a commercial rate to people who will appreciate their good luck.

Well, I feel for you SecondHandRose. Other people assume that just because they have children who help or children with ADHD or ASD who help, you haven't tried. Yours may well well have a PDA profile and that is hard enough for experts to help with.
I have a very difficult Adult daughter who I struggled to get to help every day of the year. Even getting her to do things which would benefit her was a mission. The thought of yet another fight on Christmas Day which would ruin it for everybody was just more than I could bear. My boys who were great all the year round had a day off too because it didn't seem fair to have them running around when she wouldn't. She did however, always buy me a present even though often they would be things she loved rather than me!
My suggestion would be to keep your gifts at a lower rate of generosity and if questioned, explain why. If they aren't even missing your generosity it was probably gratuitous anyway.

To be honest they are getting free board everything done for them, entitled Adult children!

Good for you booking a holiday I would have do the same.

They are taking you both for granted.

I think it is really sad Second Hand Rose that although your children are adults and not even young adults they are acting like unreasonable, selfish children. This must have been allowed for years and years with no expectation on either yours or your husbands part to bring up your children to have respect and learn how to live around other people and be cooperative. That the only option for you is to get them to leave home seems awful, that the four of you cannot live in harmony until they are financially secure to leave tells me that as parents you have not raised well rounded adults. That you cannot share your home, pull together and enjoy being together seems really sad for you all.

SecondhandRose

Oh yes and by skiing I mean spending the kid’s inheritance. I hate the cold!

😂😂😂

Yes, I got it, SecondRose, as did some others.

No more secondhand - only the very best for you in future 😀

You have my sympathy, it’s very easy from the outside to look in and say, “… well, you should do this…” It’s not quite so obvious when you’re in the midst of it and emotions are involved.

My youngest stepson lived with us off and on throughout teenage years and well into his twenties.

He is now helpful and not only will do whatever I ask, but will also offer to help without prompting. However, it took time for him to get to that point. In his younger days I would periodically go on strike and would say, “tidy your room up.” (If he wanted to live in a bell hole it was up to him, to a point, but when it started to smell bad I would tell him and let him know I expected it to be cleaned). I would give him a time frame. If he didn’t complete the task, I just stopped cooking for him. Usually after a day or two of him having to feed himself the point would be made. Now he is perfectly helpful. Good luck with your two.

well done, good on you, have a great holiday!!

Well done you. Glad your Christmas Day was without arguments etc but sad that you didn’t receive any gifts from the children. Well done for your decision re your money and enjoy the skiing.

I have always given my kids jobs to do when they were little. One of them used to complain and try to get out of it or half do it, but the others would try harder.

My younger son who lives with me does not offer help as an adult, but if I ask for help he will always help. In fact he is always helping me (and I am always asking him to!) We are family. We are all adults and equal. Why shouldn't we ask for help and get it?

What would happen if you asked them to do a specific thing like lay the table? Or clear the table?

I would rather have Presence than presents, but thoughtfulness is nice too. What would happen if you drop hints or you ask them what they're getting their dad and he asks them what they're getting you next year? They do sound a bit comfortable and like they are taking you for granted.

I do think this resentment you feel could perhaps be alleviated by a good chat.

We weee equally generous to our kids and they have repaid me over and over again with their care and consideration. They don’t have adhd though. Some of these awful, judgemental posts make me mad. We suffered so you should, oh great how helpful. Today’s generations have been brought up in a very different world to those of us over 60s. This is their world, not yours. I’d say that their lives are in many ways much more difficult than ours were. Ours were pretty simple and that’s not something you can say for today’s youngsters. Having said all that, good for you for putting your foot down this year. I’d be very upset if my kids didn’t buy me something for Xmas. Time perhaps for making a change and enjoy your life and let them get on with theirs.

Get your holiday booked and tell them you expect the house to be spanking clean when you get back. No having friends around for parties and finishing the Christmas booze.
Go for it is a good decision they have to know the world is not just their oyster but others too.

Even £100 seems a lot, my mum has 7 kids and some dont help some do. Been the teetotaller I'm often the one left to do.the majority but I wouldn't leave it for her. She cooks most of the dinner so.least we could do is wash up, tidy away and serve etc. As for presents I always but my mum n dad so do most of the siblings but they only buy a box of biscuits between each couple. It's more than we expect they do more than enough for us and have done all their lives.

I get upset by thoughtless people. I would be asking them to help, perhaps lay and clear the table or wash up or clear the table etc. doesn’t hurt them. Perhaps next year £20 each and they might get the message that it’s nice to give and receive.

My son who has estranged me does have ADHD. He was the one who would try not to help me as a child. I drove by his house one day and was pretty put out to see him washing up in his own kitchen for his wife (and smiling to himself while he did) I was amazed. He wouldn't have done that for me. I think he also had (has) ODD.

Sometimes it's exhausting to keep asking for what you don't get. It's annoying when they give it to someone else though.

Daftbag1

If your son has ADHD and possibly ASD, to expect him to move out when he completes his course is unrealistic. From what you have said he has had no training in independence skills, you have not trained him to live independently, he doesn't pay rent, doesn't help around the house, has meltdowns, and needs medication.

My son had a similar diagnosis and even WITH training at home and his special boarding school 15 years later he still struggles. ASD doesn't suddenly disappear any more than ADHD does.

To manage alone you should be helping him to budget. To share bills, rent, and food costs. You need to teach him to cook, to maintain his clothing, safety and organisation of his home.

I'm not sure why you posted but I feel sorry for your children you may have paid for them, but that apart I can't help but wonder how you have supported your children into adulthood.

I agree. Trouble is, if the son is “resistant” it’s going to be difficult to get him to accept such teaching. Our own ADHD/ ASD son had to return home to live after uni because it is crazily expensive to live on your own. He got a job, he offered rent but we didn’t take any and he eventually saved enough for a deposit for a house share and after a promotion, was able to move out. He lives and works in London and there are plenty of adult children living with parents and even wfh from their bedrooms.

Our son actually learned to manage his life admin far better than my OH ever thought he would, he didn’t think he’d be capable, and our son is doing well. If you are able to help them move into flats, that would be great as long as you step back after that. I don’t think my son helped at all at Christmas but has transformed into someone who helps clear away and gives and even gift wraps great presents! Living in an adult world of independence has done him the world of good while living at home kept him infantilised and quietly depressed.

You have my sympathy but don’t despair

Yes, very few people seem to take into account the Neuro-Diverse element here. Once upon a time, without understanding, ND youth would have gone off the straight and narrow, some would have been locked up in mental health institutions, others in borstal and many lost for ever. At least now these young adults are studying and living at home with parents who make allowances for their problems.

Yes, agreed- but honestly, there are limits!

icanhandthemback
How true. Until you have dealt with these children/ young adults you have no idea, do you? 😟
As we say: you pick your battles.

Good for you. I have five gc in their 20 all living nearby. I got presents for all of them but only two of them received them. They were the ones who took the time to wish me a lovely Christmas on Facebook and then visit on Boxing Day with presents. The other three I didn’t see or hear from so I offered the other two their presents as well as their own.

MerylStreep, absolutely. There are resources now helping parents to cope with such children. The vast majority advise taking away the pressure and not getting into a confrontation. Parenting is so different in order to get the best out of these children and sometimes that is not what those with neurotypical children would expect.

We are currently looking at flats to get rid of the pair of them.
What does this mean SHR?
Just that you're helping them look, or you're going to buy / rent places for them?
I hope it's the former.

Onward perhaps your son perceived himself to be doing his own dishes, rather than his wife's or yours, and was happy about doing that.

FarNorth

^We are currently looking at flats to get rid of the pair of them.^
What does this mean SHR?
Just that you're helping them look, or you're going to buy / rent places for them?
I hope it's the former.

Onward perhaps your son perceived himself to be doing his own dishes, rather than his wife's or yours, and was happy about doing that.

Yes, maybe. He looked happy anyway. I never thought I would see the day when he would wash up and look happy about it. Shame he was so horrible every time I asked him. He used to make such a drama of it and accuse me of trying to make him be a slave! I'd explain how we all help out etc, but to no avail and I used to let him off to avoid confrontation, which was not fair on the others who were helpful.

Yes often you have to be very specific in your requests- on christmas day i asked elder of 2 youngest sons (24) to go set table and told him to clear it afterwards- so he did-but just put plates on the side, as i hadnt said specifically to scrape them or add to dishwasher- if i see youngest (19) downstairs & i need help if i say "can you just..." he will do so- but doesnt offer help normally he simply doesnt notice-but he did move move furniture around in living room so we could put tree up &helped with other decorations as i'd asked (he's tallest) but doesnt do as much around house as his brother does- btf hes in full- time education and both sons have a disability-& youngest aspergers also- so i must be specific in asking requests of this kind.But then will do so if can do it.