Am I being stingy?

Thank you everyone for your comments/views I really appreciate them
x

My suggestion is just don’t buy for them anymore. Let friend know very casually that you’re cutting your spending (if you know her well enough and she won’t be offended, tell her why!) and just don’t buy for them anymore x

My sister and I have agreed that we won't exchange presents for our generation. However I give my nephew and niece money and only ever get thanks from my niece (usually weeks later). My sister does the same for my children and I know that they're not good at sending thanks either. Personally I'd knock it on the head but I think my sister would be put out about it.

I'm giving my grandchildren a small gift I know that they'd like and some money. They all get so much at Christmas but would like to go out and choose something for themselves later.

I think its acceptable to let everyone know not to get presents for kids once they leave school. Or get a family gift to share ..chocs or biscuits .

I stopped buying for nephews and nieces when they were 18. I get a card from one and the others I haven't seen since their sisters wedding 7 years ago.
I have heard on the grape vine they are expecting their first baby but will not be sending a present unless they tells us in a Christmas card [which they never send]or something similar.
With cousin's children we all came to an agreement when they were about 16 and now send something the family can share, biscuits, chocolates or now they are older a couple of bottles of booze.
One nephew is small and his mum is very thoughtful I buy a Leggo Advent calendar and something for the stocking

lixy

Very common not to give presents to teenagers. They don't want 'stuff' anymore than we do.
I give a bag of chocolate coins to a good friend's son and have done for years - it's now a standing joke between us.

I gave a teenage boy a chocolate Santa and he was happy.

Why not suggest that this year, instead of buying each other gifts, you both go out together for a lovely lunch in January/February, when the weather is a bit bleak?

Just don't mention the ungrateful teens!

Im nearly 71 and finding retirement a struggle having had a managerial post.
My husband is driving me nuts . I cant use the dishwasher “waste of time” so he does the washing up as I dont do properly 😡
I cant use tumbledryer so do it when hes out 😜but hes like inspecter morse checking ….
Im recuperating from an op so immobile for next few weeks .. feel like a prisoner …
He goes round muttering … I left the dog food on the work top when he walked the dog he moaned I never placed on floor.. I heard him cursing cos a jug I washed had a porridge oat still stuck to it .. if I stroke the dog on the sofa he tells me to stop as its in his line of vision 🤷‍♀️ its like coersive control in the home .. yet he has good qualities ..he does housework , (although wants praise for everything !)
He has his own bedroom and likes to buy his own food shopping its all so frustrating… Im dreading the future….we are about to sell our house and Im tempted to separate but worry about it at my age.. we could live separately but still spend time together would be my best scenario but very scary

Mummysue

Im nearly 71 and finding retirement a struggle having had a managerial post.
My husband is driving me nuts . I cant use the dishwasher “waste of time” so he does the washing up as I dont do properly 😡
I cant use tumbledryer so do it when hes out 😜but hes like inspecter morse checking ….
Im recuperating from an op so immobile for next few weeks .. feel like a prisoner …
He goes round muttering … I left the dog food on the work top when he walked the dog he moaned I never placed on floor.. I heard him cursing cos a jug I washed had a porridge oat still stuck to it .. if I stroke the dog on the sofa he tells me to stop as its in his line of vision 🤷‍♀️ its like coersive control in the home .. yet he has good qualities ..he does housework , (although wants praise for everything !)
He has his own bedroom and likes to buy his own food shopping its all so frustrating… Im dreading the future….we are about to sell our house and Im tempted to separate but worry about it at my age.. we could live separately but still spend time together would be my best scenario but very scary

I think you probably meant to post this as a separate thread, but I'll answer anyway! Your domestic life does not sound happy. If he's sleeping in his own room and doing his own shopping, what you have is a housemate, not a husband! I'd be wanting to leave this marriage when you sell up, however scary it may be. Could you afford to buy a small flat with your share of the sale?

I have reached the end of the line with my sister. Every year I send birthday and Christmas gifts, and they are never acknowledged - not even a quick text to say the parcel has arrived.
It robs all the joy out of buying a present, wrapping it and sending it.
Some people think that it is unreasonable to expect gratitude, but that isn't the way we were brought up, and a note, text, FB message, email or phone call would do. I dont expect fulsome thanks, just an acknowledgement of the gift.
And before anyone starts, I have sent hand written letters to her for my Christmas presents until a couple of years ago, when I decided I couldn't be be bothered either. I don't think she even noticed.
So I have decided that this year will be the final year. And I'd suggest that the OP does too.

This is a Post about Xmas presents Mummysue but I couldn't pass by without a comment. Your situation sounds horrendous and yes, your husband is obviously very controlling. Whatever you do, don't make hasty decisions, at 71 you don't want to end up in a one bed flat with no money!
Separate houses near one another sounds a great idea, I've often thought of it myself when my own DH does my head in but will there be enough money to do that and would he agree in the first place? You are already living separate lives under the same roof so really, what have you to lose apart from financial security? Think carefully about this, talk to a good friend or a solicitor. Others on here will have good advice for you.

In my family we always stopped buying presents when youngsters reached adulthood - 18 or 21. My husband's family sent presents to us after we were married and I found that odd getting presents from his Aunts and Uncles when mine had stopped years earlier.
Having received presents from my grandparents until 21, when I started work I bought small gifts for each of them each year which I think they appreciated. My brother and I agreed to stop presents and I stopped giving to my nephews at adulthood, so now I only buy for my own children and grandchildren, my niece and nephew on my ex husband's side as they are still quite young, and one old friend. I keep her present small as I know she hasn't got much money, but don't want to stop. Often my own children get taken out for a meal or some experience together. We none of us need 'stuff'!
I am a crafter so often make small handmade gifts for those who appreciate them, but DD doesn't seem to, so I stick to experiences with her. My DiL's family do Secret Santa as there are lots of them.
Lots of people are cutting back as otherwise we end up with lots of stuff we neither need nor want, so don't feel obliged, especially if you never get thanked.

l married into a large family. Grannie plus 5 children and partners, followed by 2 children each = a lot of stuff began to accumulate and present opening could take hours split into different times of the day. So after a sherry or 2 we sat down and discussed the "gift" problem. We decided to only give gifts to children and granny who had a large house where we would all stay. She would never take any money ( allowed us to bring turkey ) easy to buy for as she kept a list of books she wanted. Sadly she died at 104 this year. As nobody has a large house we no longer have a big christmas day which made lovely memories. Games of all sorts took over from the presents and seeing all the cousins,
Helping with mountains of washing up after (she would not have a dishwasher ) the main event. At its peek we had kids under 10 in the dining room and adults in the breakfast room. Its sad that the great grandchildren will never enjoy this. you would hear laughing and bumps from the "kids " dinning room but the room was always in one piece and food eaten. My son has very happy memories. l came from a very small family where church featured heavily and after lunch and the Queen's speech followed by a walk. Maybe a tin of "old oak " ham was opened for supper and the day was over. l could not believe the joyous way my husbunds family celebrated.

When they leave full time education, then if they don't buy for me - I don't for them, fair ? We exchange gifts at Christmas, you're not describing a two way process. So don't worry about, have a lovely Christmas

Absolutely stop now. I had a similar situation with family who didn't thank me for gifts and who never acknowledge my birthday etc. I am also not included in family events either! So I buy for those who do say thank you only.

Dempie55

Mummysue

Im nearly 71 and finding retirement a struggle having had a managerial post.
My husband is driving me nuts . I cant use the dishwasher “waste of time” so he does the washing up as I dont do properly 😡
I cant use tumbledryer so do it when hes out 😜but hes like inspecter morse checking ….
Im recuperating from an op so immobile for next few weeks .. feel like a prisoner …
He goes round muttering … I left the dog food on the work top when he walked the dog he moaned I never placed on floor.. I heard him cursing cos a jug I washed had a porridge oat still stuck to it .. if I stroke the dog on the sofa he tells me to stop as its in his line of vision 🤷‍♀️ its like coersive control in the home .. yet he has good qualities ..he does housework , (although wants praise for everything !)
He has his own bedroom and likes to buy his own food shopping its all so frustrating… Im dreading the future….we are about to sell our house and Im tempted to separate but worry about it at my age.. we could live separately but still spend time together would be my best scenario but very scary

I think you probably meant to post this as a separate thread, but I'll answer anyway! Your domestic life does not sound happy. If he's sleeping in his own room and doing his own shopping, what you have is a housemate, not a husband! I'd be wanting to leave this marriage when you sell up, however scary it may be. Could you afford to buy a small flat with your share of the sale?

Put this on separate thread Mummsue.. I'm sure you'll get lots of helpful and kind responses

We have mutually agreed to stop presents with adult friends, and some family members, which has greatly reduced the present buying dilemma. Birthdays are of course very much the indivdual's special day, but for Christmas we now have a meal instead, and enjoy several lunches or dinners with friends and family in the cold gloomy months after Christmas. Everyone seems happy with the arrangment - and present buying is reserved for the children.

Time to stop now Sarahleigh I think once the thought is in your head then it's time to act. Don't feel guilty you have been generous for a long time now you have to consider yourself.

I have given up buying gifts or sending a cheque to my nephew for his children. I used to buy well chosen gifts and did not even know whether they had arrived safely. Then I changed to cheques which were paid in about two months later. No acknowledgement, no thanks. So I stopped.
I would like to stop giving a gift to my oldest grandchild who has now completed his studies and is working, but as I am going to their house at Christmas, I can hardly give to the parents and other grandchild and not this one. I never get a thank you unless I hand it over directly which rarely happens. This grandchild has no contact with me except if I am at their house. I don’t ever get a text or phone call.

Why are people so ungrateful?? I have a friend who is so negative about everything, and has been complaining that she is cold and can't afford her electric heating. I did send a small ceramic heater, supposedly good on the use of electricity, then a lovely long 'furry' hoodie with a cat on the pocket - she loves cats. She told me she had received it but no idea where it came from (my name and address on reverse of parcel!!). I confirmed it was from me and hoped it would help keep her warm. Nothing, no thanks or 'yes it will help'!! Don't know why I bother!! Did suggest she send me a photo of her wearing it - but no answer - just more negative moaning!!

In my family we have a rule that we stop buying presents for teenagers once they are sixteen unless we have a proper, reciprocated relationship with them. So, for example, my nieces and nephews are all in their twenties and thirties and off doing their own thing. I never hear from them, I don’t get even a text on my birthday or a Christmas, I don’t think they would even know my address now. When I did buy them presents when they were younger, I never got a thank you from them. All of this is ok, however, I don’t feel our relationship warrants a present any more - relationships have to be a two way street.

This happened to me with our niece and nephew when they were teenagers. They had always lived at the other side of the country so we never saw each other much, just communicated by telephone. I had always given our nephew and niece presents at Christmas and birthdays from them being born and then as they got older, I put a cheque in their cards. I never, ever received a thank you from them or my sister and brother in law. One year I just sent a family Christmas card to all of them and never heard from them again which suited me fine.

If I were you I would do the same for your friends. If she queries why you did not give her children presents just tell her the truth that they had not once had the courtesy to thank you for them so you have now stopped. This person is no friend of yours, a true friend respects what you do for them and their family and it appears that this person does not respect you at all.

I have told our sons and daughters in law that from now on I only buy gifts for our grandchildren and they were perfectly happy with that.

No, YOU ARE NOT BEING STINGY.

THEY ARE DOWNRIGHT RUDE.

Stop buying for them.... end of.

If they can't be arsed to say "Thank you" then I'm sorry but it is the right and decent thing to do..... atrocious to not respond !!!!

💐

Hi
If You feel you would like to buy a token how about a box of quality street or something ?🙂