Feeling guilty as friend will be alone at Christmas

This is an occasion when family comes first, particularly grandchildren.
See her on Boxing Day.
My children only spent one Christmas Day with their father, as his current wife made it very clear she didn't regard them as family.
A very kind friend invited me on that Christmas Day so I visited in the afternoon, not wishing to intrude too much; her adult children and husband made it very obvious I wasn't welcome.
Best not to be a spare part at Christmas.

No way would I give up Christmas with my family for a friend. I wouldn't be cheeky enough to bring her along either. As suggested, do something with her another day.

Best not to be a spare part at Christmas.

Very true.

No you should not cancel your Xmas with the grandchildren!

Arrange a nice day for both together on Boxing Day or one day between BD and New Year which gives her something to look forward to. Buy her a nice little treat present to open on Xmas Day.

And remember that maybe her best present from you could be allowing her to talk about her husband; talk about her memories; talk about her pain; sit quietly with you kn companionable empathetic silence; allow her to grieve in any way she needs and be there for her.

merlotgran

^Best not to be a spare part at Christmas.^

Very true.

Yes, she might feel far worse, being recently widowed and estranged from her family, being with another happy family.

Do not give up your Christmas Day with your grandchildren.
Arrange a special day with your friend, perhaps Boxing Day, where you can look after her properly and, if she wants to have a good cry as well, she can.

Thank you for the suggestion. I can’t invite her along, we do a lot off active stuff, long walk after lunch and stupid games, that she could not cope with, but a special day post Christmas and face time on the day will work.

Boxing Day might be a good idea, giving her something to look forward to.

It's not a good idea to invite a non family member on Christmas Day. It's often a time when people are very sad, thinking of someone they have lost, and it would be terrible if your friend felt the need to be jolly on the day.
My brother once did this, he invited a friend who literally took over the day. He wanted to play his own music, he wanted us all to play charades ( which I loathe) and the whole day was a disaster.

Cambsnan. Good you have resolved the problem and you can enjoy a family Christmas and a post event with your friend!

I had this situation for several years after divorce. The children went off to their father and, being an only child etc I had nowhere to go. I hit on the idea of helping at the Salvation Army hostel in Cardiff.
My word did that cure the problem!
I was kept busy all day helping, including talking and hearing about other people's problems. I left feeling incredibly fulfilled and so very lucky.....
I suggest that she might look into something on those lines.

I don't understand the need to celebrate on just one particular day, surely you could do something the next day instead.
And thinking about my choice of the word "celebrate", probably an recently bereaved lady would find a day of cheerfulness and happiness in amongst someone else's family very difficult to cope

Usedtobeblonde

Your C and GC come before a friend in the disappointment picture.
I wonder why she is estranged from most of her family.
See her another day and make is as special as you feel appropriate.

Please don't judge someone for their estrangement circumstances. Lots don't deserve it.

Absolutely not. And don’t feel guilty. It’s just another day. Having been a carer most my working life. My daughter had to “share me” it’s only now as a 30 something mum she tells me how she hated me not being home with her. She always had to share me with someone

find out if anything is going on locally for single people,we have a few places here that offer xmas day dinner for elderly/widowed, then ask her how she feels about xmas this year, she may just want a quiet reflective one! if she is worried about being alone then you can say (just be honest) sorry I cannot be with you xmas day but I have found out about x,y,z place locally where you can be with people

Please don’t do this OP - it puts people in an awkward position
As others have said - arrange something nice with her for Boxing Day she will have something to look forward to then

I think that asking your family if they can squeeze in another one OR planning a Boxing Day dinner for both of you are both great suggestions.
It's to your credit that you've thought of her.
You're a good friend.

Bugbabe2019

Please don’t do this OP - it puts people in an awkward position
As others have said - arrange something nice with her for Boxing Day she will have something to look forward to then

This was in relation to asking if she could come along with you

Are you sure your widowed friend is upset at the prospect of being alone on Christmas Day?

Last year, I accepted a friend's invitation for Christmas Eve, which is the big day here in Denmark, having lost my husband on 1. November.

It was a pleasant enough evening, but honestly did not feel like Christmas, and I honestly regretted that I hadn't said no thanks kindly to the invitation, gone to church for the four p.m. service, then come home and made my dinner.

If your friend has said that she dreads the prospect of being alone, tell her why you are not able to invite her and ask her which day between Christmas and New Year she would like to visit you.

Charity begins at home. Think of your family.

Enjoy Christmas Day with your family and have a special time with your friend another day. I would hate to be an "extra" because people felt sorry for me and your friend may feel the same. My friend is spending Christmas on her own and I know this is what she wants. There are a lot of people alone at Christmas.

No.

I would take her .
Then she won't feel left out and you won't feel guilty .

Cambsnan

Thank you for the suggestion. I can’t invite her along, we do a lot off active stuff, long walk after lunch and stupid games, that she could not cope with, but a special day post Christmas and face time on the day will work.

I’m pleased you’ve resolved your concern Cambsnan I hope she appreciates your efforts.

Speaking personally I wanted to spend the day alone after my DH passed away maybe your friend might feel the same way?

I've invited people , who have been on their own for years .
I agree that it's not easy.
I used to invite an elderly maiden aunt every year .
She didn't want to join in our games and would sit quietly overeating !
The one year ,
that she wasn't invited -she complained about us to the entire family .
I felt really guilty over it .
I notice that they didn't want her either
It is an awkward situation .
You've chosen to resolve it by having a special day on Boxing Day .
A good compromise .