Seriously unhappy at Santa failure

Of course you're not wrong and there was no need for you to be embarrassed, it's his shame not yours.

You said nothing when asked? You know he needs direction, that’s how he is, you could’ve written a simple, but specific wish list, voucher for xxx, yy toiletries, zzchocolates.

Jaxjacky

You said nothing when asked? You know he needs direction, that’s how he is, you could’ve written a simple, but specific wish list, voucher for xxx, yy toiletries, zzchocolates.

He’s been her husband long enough that they have married adult sons.

He knows better. He just didn’t feel like thinking.

Let’s stop blaming women for men choosing to be incompetent.

Actually , Quizzer said ‘ Nothing in particular’. A long way from ‘Nothing at all’. He could have, and should have bought her something. I would have been upset.

All I ever ask for is evidence of thought. DH is quite good at presents really. If he remembers 😬

Even if I told my husband and children I wanted nothing for Xmas, nothing is definitely NOT what I’d get!

I feel sad for the OP!

I do sympathise as, for the past 20 years since my husband had a stroke, gift-buying has been more or less beyond him. But things change as we get older, and when we've been with the same spouse for donkeys' years it's hard to be original. I too have faced the question, "What do you want?" - and, one memorable time, "Buy whatever you'd like and I'll pay for it." I refused both options! We're now at a stage where we've agreed not to buy each other Christmas gifts at all, in order to avoid the very situation you describe. That's hard to accept, as I'd love to continue buying him things that I know he'd like. But there it is. In the grand scheme of things, some stuff is fundamentally important in a marriage, whereas other stuff is really not. The strongest reeds are the ones which bend with the flow....

I really wouldn’t mind anymore if I didn’t get any gifts from my husband. After nearly 50 years together all I need or want is him to be there.

Me too Kittycat. We’ve long ago stopped getting gifts for each other anyway, it became a farce asking each other what they wanted, then getting it,or getting the wrong thing! We do buy gifts for DCs and DGCs.

I am sorry you felt let down quizzer, especially with family there too.

We set a tradition many years ago where we buy each other lip salve and a pot of jam (for him) or marmalade (for me) as our gift exchange. Our family think it’s odd, but it has worked for us for more than 30 years now.

Different couples have different arrangements/traditions but to not buy your wife anything when you know she'll have bought something for you is a rotten trick IMO.

I think you need to drop a hint or two… eg “that hand cream would make a lovely late Christmas present” and do it in a jokey way, reminding him you need treats too. It’s not too late for him to make amends…

I asked my husband for a particular book for Christmas - much easier for him and I got something I wanted! Some people take things too literally sometimes…

Oh dear unfortunately men definitely interpret things differently to a woman …if a woman was told ‘nothing really’ they would buy some toiletries or sone chocs or something neutral
However if a man is told ‘nothing really’ he would literally think ‘ok she wants nothing that’s easy then’
Bet you ll think of something next time he asks 🤣🤣🤣

Well, I would be very upset if DH didn't buy me something for Christmas.

After 50 years he should have some idea of what you would like. He could have wandered round the shops for inspiration, asked one of your sons, a daughter in law, a friend.

We gave each other nothing as agreed. We both have so much “stuff” already. I honestly cant think of anything i want. I donated money to local charity.

I was a bit miffed because everyone told me what they would like for Christmas and no one asked me what I would like. Well my son did just a few days beforehand
Possibly because I am so predictable, I suppose.

BlueBelle

Oh dear unfortunately men definitely interpret things differently to a woman …if a woman was told ‘nothing really’ they would buy some toiletries or sone chocs or something neutral
However if a man is told ‘nothing really’ he would literally think ‘ok she wants nothing that’s easy then’
Bet you ll think of something next time he asks 🤣🤣🤣

Unfortunately this is often true. Just before Christmas I had to explain the concept of ‘nothing really’ to my DS, otherwise his DW would have had just that. Fortunately, he bought her lovely gifts!
I send my Santa screen shots of things I might like.

My DH is rubbish at gifts, but always tells me to just buy what I want.
So for Christmas I normally buy something for my Christmas gift from him or give him instructions to something on line.
This year I bought a Smart watch and Cashmere jumper and put it on his credit card.
I would rather do this than him buy something that has to go back to the shops.

BlueBelle

Oh dear unfortunately men definitely interpret things differently to a woman …if a woman was told ‘nothing really’ they would buy some toiletries or sone chocs or something neutral
However if a man is told ‘nothing really’ he would literally think ‘ok she wants nothing that’s easy then’
Bet you ll think of something next time he asks 🤣🤣🤣

I think men have conditioned women to think it. It’s weaponised incompetence.

Men are perfectly capable of interpreting, managing and organising. They do that at work every day. Many are simply are just lazy at home with family as a woman will take care of it.

I told my husband I wasn’t sure what I wanted, so he went to the list he’d kept up all year when I mentioned something nice! He went to an out of the way store to get me something I’d forgotten all about.

If women expected more from men, they would do it.

Exactly J52 you have to be much more direct with guys
What do you want for Christmas means just that If you say ‘nothing really’ his mind will say ‘ok that’s great she doesn’t really want anything, easy peasy’ So never ever be vague with a guy
It needs a direct answer ‘Flowers /chocolate/ wine would be lovely thanks’ If you say ‘something smelly’ you ll get a bar of soap you need to spell it out much more clearly
I remember once giving what I thought was very clear signals of a handbag I d seen and liked …..I got a bottle of bubble bath !!!!

I've been widowed for 8 years but DH and I stopped buying each other presents around 2006. We had far too much "stuff" and everything we could possibly need in terms of household items and tools etc. We didn't need to contribute to landfill with some gratuitous gift and honestly, after years of marriage, did we really need to buy Christmas presents? I suppose it depends on your relationship but there's no excuse for deliberate incompetence just because you're a man.

Thanks for all your thoughts.
DH has never agreed that we shouldn’t bother with presents for each other. He just can’t be bothered with gifts at all. I buy all the presents for his sister, our sons, DILs, grandkids and close friends. I pay for them (we both have an income) I wrap and label them from both of us.
Yes I am upset and I have now decided that any presents will be from me alone as he has nothing to do with them. Yes, I know that’s spiteful but it’s how I feel.

Not spiteful from my point of view. Time for him to act like a grown up!

Oldbat1

We gave each other nothing as agreed. We both have so much “stuff” already. I honestly cant think of anything i want. I donated money to local charity.

We started doing this a couple of years ago as we also have too much ‘stuff’ and are in the process of decluttering prior to a possible downsize. Before that we decided on a budget of £50 but ended up buying things for the sake of it and my DH is very difficult to buy for anyway, it is much easier to buy nothing. Our children and one granddaughter buy for us but are under strict instructions not to spend too much, one son and DIL give us M and S gift cards which we can make use of and our other son usually gives us a Miller and Carter gift card. We stopped buying for siblings, nieces and nephews by mutual agreement years ago.