Seriously unhappy at Santa failure

You said nothing in particular, and that's what you got. Nothing. Result.

Why is it that any time someone puts in a post complaining about something their Dh does someone always has to comment that she should be grateful to have a husband.
Not everyone has a happy marriage.
Should people be grateful for an abusive partner or an unhappy or dead relationship?

My Dh has a birthday in Dec and when asked what to get him he says not to buy him anything. So I didn’t, if he was upset that’s on him. We didn’t exchange Christmas gifts either because there was nothing either of us needed or wanted. But we had a lovely few days celebrating Christmas with the family.

I saw an interesting poll which showed that what people enjoyed most about Christmas was spending time with family. The least enjoyable and most stressful was present buying!

I was telling my friend this story today and she said ‘Well I asked my husband what he wanted this year, he said nothing, so I got him nothing’
So I think it’s just how it is don’t say ‘nothing’ if you want, or expect something

For the last few Christmases before he died, my husband and I agreed to get each other “something from a charity shop”. This led to lots of fun gifts, from snow globes to jigsaws, Japanese fans to vintage opera glasses.

We’ve known each other for nearly 50 years. He is hopeless at present buying, except on the odd occasion when he will buy me something out of the blue, like a pineapple. For Christmas and birthdays I have to give him a list.

Quizzer

My DH has always been useless at presents. Even when he asked me to specify exactly what I would like, he would buy something similar but not quite the same, usually cheaper.

This Christmas he asked what I would like again, and I said that I could think of nothing in particular. So come Christmas morning that is exactly what I got…nothing. Not even a plant, toiletries, chocolates or any everyday ‘gift’.

Not only was I disappointed but I was also embarrassed as the family were all opening multiple presents from their spouses. Luckily my 3 sons do not take after him as they had all bought their wives extravagant gifts.
I had bought him items that I knew he wanted. We are comfortably off, but I don’t want anything expensive, just a token gift. Am I wrong to expect him to make just a small effort.

No. Not wrong, perhaps make suggestions?

My partner doesn’t do shopping at all.
So naturally I don’t expect anything.
He gives me money and I buy something I like.

Simple!

Why not agree to not exchange presents. You find it difficult to give details of anything you'd like and you buy DH simple gifts. Why bother, you are not children anticipating Father Christmas visiting and can probably buy anything you think you'd like throughout the year.

undines

Graham Norton once put it well.
Men. Are. Hopeless.
I'm not saying there's an excuse, exactly, but is there a reason? Some men are slightly on the autistic spectrum and they just don't 'get' things unless they are spelled out. Personally I would tell him exactly how I felt and tell him PRECISELY what I wanted for my birthday,

It’s because they are lazy and women not only enable it, but excuse it.

We agreed not to buy for each other a few years ago, instead we spend some money on stuff we need in the January Sales.
It works really well.

I would have been furious with him, at his lack of thought or making an effort and it would be obvious to everyone within the family. My mother used to say to my father and anyone else that she didnt mind the house getting a present but it was NOT her present. If he gave her an iron , she would get him a screwdriver and have a job lined up for him to do with it too!!
Your husband is being lazy, selfish, and arrogant to think that he can behave like this. I would not tolerate it. So the first thing you could do is to tell your children how upset and annoyed you are at this behaviour. That you have done all the work choosing presents for others etc and he has not contributed, so give them fair warning that you are no longer doing this. You either get a smaller present for them and just sign it yourself, or simply no longer buy any presents , which can be such a relief. The thing that we tend to do now, is very personal but doesnt cost money! When my son was little he was very excited to rush up and tell us that " he had got a boots vulture" We loved that and liked to imagine a row of vultures sat on the cash register and squawking away. So we now give personal "vultures". rather than vouchers and I still do similar things now. So someone with 2 or 3 children, I offer 4 vultures for a babysitting evening. They can redeem these whenever it suits them, of course assuming you are free to do so on that date. It is very popular, as there is the obvious firms do , where they need you at a set time, but they love the idea of being about to just suddenly think , lets go out to dinner or to the pictures or whatever. One time they rang and asked if I could go the next day, which I could, so they have enjoyed that. When my back wasnt bad , I have also offered several 1 hours weeding, or hedgetrimming or whatever, and another family member I offered a 2 hour break from the children, whether they went out and had a coffee or whatever and I went to the house, or I collected the children and we went swimming whilst the parents had a blissful afternoon. I do not have a lot of money, so could not afford to take someone in my car for free, but I have offered to take them anywhere they wanted , they pay for the fuel, so I am the chauffeur and they get the chance to go off into the wild somewhere or to a little village no longer on the bus route. So your husband cannot say lack of money is why he bought nothing, and he can be given another chance to give you an appropriate voucher for something. He is walking on a knifes edge, and if he says he cannot think of anything, you scornfully say he has had years to find out what you like and you are not telling him anything. Let him use his own brain!! Of course I suggest that you tell your children in very clear terms , what sort of thing you like. So I hate Estee Lauder , I think it smells horrible and overpowering. So I might say I cant understand anyone buying that stuff when they could have ...Max Factor , No 7 , or whatever you like. You could also confirm that by stating that it is a good job that you support x charity so they benefit as you give it away as a tombola prize. It would also be very good that each of your children, have a go at your father to make him realize how badly he has behaved, and that they all think he needs to buck his ideas up and think of you and not the idle whats the least I can do. This may be a standoff where you make it clear to him what you feel and what you expect. Or he may think he can play it down and blame you for making a fuss etc. In which case I would be looking up divorce or separation information, deciding what I wanted to do for myself and doing it. After all if he cannot make the least effort or now, a grovelling apology, why do you want to waste any more time on him. Life is short, go and enjoy yours and he can sit staring into space and making no effort.

We said nothing but edibles this year, but I did buy dh a jumper he could do with - he never buys clothes for himself. He bought me some chocs that I particularly like - orange, rose and violet creams.

In the past, when we did bigger presents, to save dh racking his brains I’d sometimes print off a page showing what I’d like, with size and colour clearly circled. That’s how I got my lovely sheepskin house boots - still going strong 5 years later.

Surely presents are treats - not something one needs?

To me, a present is something that brings pleasure and shows thought has been put into it.

DH isn't always brilliant but at least he tries. He thinks about me and I appreciate it.

Unfortunately Quizzer my husband is the same and has been throughout our marriage. He's never once given me something as a 'treat' It's usually a replacement item for the kitchen or garden. This year nothing.

homefarm

Unfortunately Quizzer my husband is the same and has been throughout our marriage. He's never once given me something as a 'treat' It's usually a replacement item for the kitchen or garden. This year nothing.

Hope you make yourself a Champagne cocktail when the miserable old buffer goes to bed!

Sadly its the same here.
This year it was a woolly scarf.
Last year it was an ironing board

It hurts.

How awful ! I sympathise. My first Christmas with my late partner- a long time ago, He bought me a warm cardigan. For his ex, he bought perfume and champagne. I knew then that he wasn’t right for me.

I love choosing and buying presents, wrapping them in beautiful paper and sending them off to friends and other loved ones. I track the parcels so I know they've reached their destination not too bothered about getting a 'Thank you' but usually I do. DH likes to ask me what I would like so I always have a book or an item of clothing I have my eye on to suggest to him but he sometimes surprises me with a little addition. We're not well off so have a simple life and giving presents seems to have become a bit of a hobby of mine.

ExDancer

Sadly its the same here.
This year it was a woolly scarf.
Last year it was an ironing board

It hurts.

An ironing board???? Ye Gods! I’d be purchasing him a toilet brush for the next Crimbo!!

I would feel unappreciated and unloved ...I feel so sad for you 😢

I said similar to my husband many years ago on my birthday, I didn’t want anything, that’s exactly what I got! Never again.

I’d have a conversation with him and tell him how hurt you are.

Summerlove I disagree with your statement that all men are lazy.
Madeleine I’ve happily done and still do, all of those things and more for friends and family, planned or impromptu without an unnecessary ‘voucher’ system.
As I’ve said, the OP said she wanted nothing, now she’s complaining.
I do sometimes get fed up with men being maligned for no good reason.