Step grandparent taken for granted or ignored

Stop trying to be nice.
Life is short. Make the most of it.
With people who appreciate you.
Sounds like you are trying to buy their respect or affection.
Expensive dinners. Gifts for adults.
Waste of time. And money.
Spend it on yourselves.
Have the best Xmas break ever.
Catered for. Waited upon.
Totally relaxing.
All the best.

Passiflora you described much of what's going on here except the part where DH addresses the problem. He says they may feel they are being disloyal to their mother and we should just overlook everything. At the same time it has been obvious to me, and to him as well, there is competition between he and his ExW. He is now 82 and while I feel heartless making a fuss, it is difficult continuing. I hate to admit this but I have considered divorse as the only resolution. I should have done that years ago as it would be so much harder now. And I still love him just not his kids.

I think I meant I would NOT go for all out unilateral action. I would move heaven and earth to have an honest conversation first. If your husband won't or can't face it then do it on your own. No shouting but a lot of listening. But make your points.

And I've just read your last. Shocked about divorce idea - it never felt that bad to me. How utterly miserable for you. But tell them how much its hurting you all if you can. We were careful not to insist it was all their fault as we didn't want too much defensiveness but all that may seem too difficult. Maybe start off by writing a letter on your own behalf same one to all of them
See what happens. Summon up your courage, things can't really get much worse.

Smileless2012

Your husband needs to stop. He is enabling their disrespect to him and to you.

Absolutely!
HE needs to have a word and say that their lack of gratitude, politeness has taken its toll and time to end. Then, if you wish, presents only for the grandchildren, or not at all.

Do make sure that the spouses are aware that the marriage ended before you and because of ex. They may not and thus they enable.

Do events only for your family and friends. Certainly you are both enabling this by including the ex at all.

Oh my- this rang so many bells from my previous relationship. We werent married but had lived together eight years.
He was a doormat to his family and liked it that way.
I was gaslighted and became so ground down by it all.
In the end I decided to get out, with no regrets. He didn't even try to contact me.
I can imagine the conversations he had bad mouthing me to his kids, I couldn't compete.
After all this time it is very sad but shows that nothing I would have done would have changed anything.
I hope that he listens to you and gets his priorities right very soon.

I don't think there is a clear answer. My stepchildren ignore me, never acknowledge gifts etc, never wish me Happy Birthday/Christmas etc although they never forget their father. I now have step grandchildren who I'm not allowed to cuddle or play with, but my DH is. He has noticed but doesn't know what to do about it.
I had in-laws who behaved the same way as your and my stepchildren so have had plenty of practice of trying to put on a brave face.

Sarahr, I feel like an outsider although I've tried all I could think of to be accepted. But now I'm less willing to put the effort into it and wish my husband could understand why. After reading all the comments I plan to exclude them from my life as it will feel less stressful and I hope to feel my self-worth coming back.

That's what I am doing this year. Donations to charities where there will be much more appreciation and happiness for us.

“Just say " From now on. rather than sending or receiving family gifts at Christmas, I will be making a dontaion to charity".” I would even use the donation as an excuse…..I’d simply tell them “no more gifts, no more invites “!

I really hope this works for you 2Understand and that you have a happy and peaceful Christmas this year. I think you are doing the right thing and I hope your husband backs you up.

Did you mean to say in your opening post:

It's as IF my husband does all the shopping, wrapping, meal preparation, etc. and I am very hurt.

If that is the case and you have done all the preparation and are studiously ignored I would have exploded long ago.

Do not do another thing for them; tell your husband you are writing to them to explain you have decided it is all a pretence and there is no point in continuing, and wish them well. No acrimonious comments as this will distress your 82 year old husband.
Should he decide he will see them on his own at Christmas however, I would have sharp words to say, and make it very clear that is not acceptable. He has allowed them to insult you for far too long.

Christmas can be a time of great family time but also lonliness as some of us have experienced. I need to clarify something now. I just lost my husband the end of October and now I just often want to be alone as I cant always keep my composure in check. While I dont worry about him backing me, given it has been his children that have ignored me, I no longer feel compelled to do all that I've done for them in previous years as they are truly not my family. I have my daughter, grandkids and great-grandkids and that's ll I need. Bless all for a beautiful holiday.

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and I hope you can enjoy the forthcoming Christmas with your daughter and grandchildren and enjoy happy memories of your time with your husband.

2Understand I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost your dear husband.

Hopefully you can leave the bitter memories of his children behind and let your own loving family be your future now.
Peace to you xx