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Daughter at her wits end!

(164 Posts)
Sophiasnana Sun 24-May-20 09:45:56

Is anyone else reaching the end of their lockdown tether? My daughter, isolating with her husband and two children aged 4 and 9, was great at the start of all this. Now, 12 weeks later, I am so worried about her. She started with yoga for the kids and her every morning, set learning times, long daily walks etc. Now, the kids squabble constantly.the eldest refuses to do school work, get fresh air, or do ANYTHING at all. My SIL works very hard from home, locked up in his bedroom/office from 8 to 6 everyday, so my daughter is virtually doing everything alone. I just think the cost to our mental health has been awful.
And before anyone starts going on about what they suffered during the war, I dont think you can compare things. We are living in different times, with different stresses and worries!

FarNorth Sun 24-May-20 13:38:45

MerylStreep that'll be the famous British common sense?

FlyingHandbag Sun 24-May-20 13:48:17

I think this lockdown is very extreme. It has been taken too far. It is a severe form of influenza and it should not be taken so far as to have severely detrimental effects to people's state of mind.
Look at what the WHO has to say.

According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), coronaviruses are a large family of viruses that can cause illnesses ranging from the common cold to more severe diseases such as Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (MERS-CoV) and Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS-CoV).

Daisymae Sun 24-May-20 14:00:32

Do what you think best, think that I would draw the line at hugging though! There's going to be an impact on all of us. Just have to do our best.

PamGeo Sun 24-May-20 14:08:29

I'm with you Sophiasnana, go and spend some quality time with your daughter and her family. Mental health of everyone is just as important as any physical problems, more so at times.
My sister had a similar dilemma recently and took care of her grandchildren whilst the parents had some time out (mental health of one of the parents) She was really surprised at how clingy her youngest grandchild was, and how often she stopped play to look at her as though checking she was still there.
I also think children need a week off from schoolwork every 6 weeks just as they would have half term holidays from school. Perhaps that's when you could step in and before I'm shouted down, there are ways to do this with distancing.

Perhaps your daughter could suggest her husband has lunch with his family and an afternoon break of at least 15 minutes. No employer would expect their staff to go without food and a break, H&S recommend it.

Lucca Sun 24-May-20 14:29:46

Am I reading this all wrong ? Is everyone suggesting we should now just visit our families and hug them ?

paddyanne Sun 24-May-20 14:44:15

tell her OH to walk away from his computer and take HIS children out for a long walk every day,that way she can get time for a nice long bath or just some peace and quiet ,Maybe I'm odd but I cant understand why women and men nowadays cant cope with looking after their own children for a few weeks. Its not up to the OP to travel and sort it out that should be happening within the family....families who dont live together aren't allowed to have get togethers for now.Maybe a none year old who wont do anything he's told needs a firm hand ,if he's like this at 9 by the time he's a teen he'll be a nightmare .Dad needs to act like a dad and not a lodger ,is he using the work as an excuse to avoid taking any responsibility?

Hithere Sun 24-May-20 14:44:46

Your son in law is very selfish.
He needs to step up as a father.

Closing his office door from 8 to 6 while he is working is unrealistic.
Depending on what he does for a living, plenty of working parents have meetings with kids screaming or the tv in the background and nobody bats an eyelash
If you work on customer service, for example that's a different story.

I started out like your daughter, having structure for my kids with activities and games while we worked from home so they would still learn.

Overtime, we leaned that each kid will do what they prefer - individual tastes.
Kids are better at responding to other authoritative figures rather than the parents.
Some kids excel in remote learning while others cannot handle it.

Now, our plan is out the window. My kids play together better than I would have ever dreamed of.

We all adapted as a family - dh, kids and I. Organically we learned what works for us.

Your son in law needs to parent his kids. He cannot check out leaving his wife to struggle in a daily. Period.

Hithere Sun 24-May-20 14:44:58

Daily manner

Luckygirl Sun 24-May-20 14:49:32

It is NOT flu! - if it was there would be no problem - vulnerable people would have had the vaccine (if they chose) and everyone would be living a normal life.

How can anyone get to this stage in the pandemic and still be thinking it is flu!!!!????

I would love to go and cuddle my GC - as would we all - but we are all trying to pull together to deal with this pandemic, so we can't and don't.

If you have AC who are struggling with their children and with home learning, then make your contribution by Zoom or whatever. They are adults and can manage - nice to be able to help, but it is not essential. Just give them all the support you can in ways that are responsible and legal. And trust them as grown adults to be able to find ways to manage - just as we all did when faced with challenges in our lives.

BlueBelle Sun 24-May-20 14:52:56

I think the mental risks of this on children are now Far outweighing the virus itself
I would go too sophia
I have two late teens grandkids that live near me (the others in other countries) and it’s really playing on one of them, she’s on the verge of panic attacks on some occasions she was out with her mum for a walk last night and was constantly mentally measuring the distance of others she was on high alert She’s lonely, bored, missing the outdoors the socialising she a quite reserved kids at the best of times but school was her salvation that and her part time Weekend job which we re really hoping will start back soon and get her out into the world again
I was having my solo walk on the beach the other day there was a mum and two children sitting playing, nowhere near me, as I walked past the youngest one a boy about 3 was running backwards and forwards it coincided a forwards run as I passed ( still no where close) the mother screamed at the top of her voice in huge panic ‘Come here come here, you know the rules, don’t go near anybody‘ how dreadful for that little chap to grow up with such fear instilled into his little head

paddyanne Sun 24-May-20 15:06:34

better they're scared now than lose parents and grandparents becuase they cant accept what they've been told to do .Some parents just want to be their childrens friend and that doesn't work they have to be able to make sure they follow rules in times like these .I certainly wouldn't be teaching them they can flout the LAW when it suits them just because their parents cant control/amuse them for a few weeks .

BlueBelle Sun 24-May-20 15:11:49

* Luckygirl* for the vast majority of people it is just flu, in fact today on the news it was said that the vaccine trail may not be successful as as the numbers go down there won’t be enough people to trial it on

There have been over 2,000,000 recovered in this country and they are only the ones that have been tested it could be double that number
I know three people personally who have had it, one had no symptoms at all but loss of taste and smell but tested positive the other two both ladies in their 40 s it was a nasty case of flu which lasted for one a week and the other for 10 days
The very vast majority of deaths have been in the 70s 80 s 90 s and plus ...Men a bit more than women and by far the majority have had underlying health issues and yes for them it’s far worse of course than ordinary flu
We have had about 120 deaths in our local hospital which actually serves two half counties so a real lot of people almost all have been elderly, indeed very elderly and all but 3 have had underlying health problems I haven’t looked it up but I know in some years with bad flu episodes there have been ambulances queued up outside the hospital
Of course I know it’s serious but we mustn’t get the fear out of control

Luckygirl Sun 24-May-20 15:36:47

It is NOT flu!!! - that is a completely different virus!!!!

sodapop Sun 24-May-20 15:39:08

No Lucca that was not what I said at least. There are times when we have to balance the risk against helping family. If a family member is struggling mentally or physically and we can help then common sense should prevail.

Marydoll Sun 24-May-20 15:51:15

Sodapop ??

Marydoll Sun 24-May-20 15:54:11

BlueBelle, for some of us it's not just flu.

Were the two GPs and hospital staff who told me I would probably die if I got, being alarmist? That's great news, if it is just flu.

MerylStreep Sun 24-May-20 16:47:18

I personally don't know anyone who has died and I'm extremely sorry for people who do.
But I do have 2 elderly neighbours who are suffering mentally.
Next door to one of those neighbours is a man who has just come home from being sectioned.
Now I've heard about a friend and a licensed gun. I can't put details because as we know this site isn't private.

Luckygirl Sun 24-May-20 16:56:23

The conundrum for all of us is: what is best/worst for ME? -risking getting this virus or risking feeling seriously miserable in lockdown. Fair enough - we can all make a decision on that.

BUT - and here's the rub! - if I decide to break the rules, judging that my mental health is more important than risking the virus, I will not just be risking my getting the virus, but also OTHER PEOPLE; and I will risk those other people spreading it to YET MORE PEOPLE.

There has been so much on the media explaining this that I cannot believe anyone has not got it yet. We are doing this not just for ourselves but for those around us, who may be more vulnerable than us. It is a collective sacrifice for the greater good of all.

This is why people are so angry about Cummings - he did what he wanted for himself and ignored the risk to others.

It's a pain for sure - we none of us want to do this; and definitely not me, as I try and adjust to losing OH and living alone for the first time, but we have to do it.

By all means support your loved ones, but not by going near them.

Toadinthehole Sun 24-May-20 17:07:36

I would go too, if I thought there was any potential detriment to my children’s, grandchildren‘s lives. As I said on another thread, Dominic Cummins has show that we can interpret the rules as we see fit, with his “ Do as I say, not as I do” behaviour.

Hithere Sun 24-May-20 17:17:51

I wouldn't go.

This is a core family issue. It is for the daughter to fix with her husband.

My uncle in my home country just passed away due to covid.
The aftermath of his death is way worse than a short term fix of any current situation.

Luckygirl Sun 24-May-20 17:26:59

Toadinthehole - and there we have it. This is precisely why Cummings must go. There is no other way to proceed. We will struggle to contain a second wave if he is allowed to get away with it. It sends the wrong message.

JenniferEccles Sun 24-May-20 17:46:21

Doesn’t this question just boil down to our old friend, good old common sense?

We all know the guidelines and understand in the main the thinking behind them but we should always have had the ability to use our judgment with regard to our own personal circumstances.

In my opinion it’s also time to get people back to work or the cure could be worse than the illness.

BlueBelle Sun 24-May-20 18:27:26

But I did say exactly that marydoll and luckygirl Of course it’s not ‘just flu‘ for those with underlying problems it s completely scary and can be and is deadly but for many In that category but we have to get it into perspective its not deadly for everyone or even the vast majority The average healthy person gets over it just as they get over other mutations of flu and we cannot stay in lockdown for years it’s so upsetting for those with health problems that may have to but the country has to gradually come out of hiding in my opinion keeping those with severe health problems shielded

BlueBelle Sun 24-May-20 18:28:53

Sorry last line should say ‘whilst keeping those with severe health problems shielded’

luluaugust Sun 24-May-20 18:32:32

Regarding the mother screaming at her small child to stay away, this is what is worrying DD who has to go back to teaching, what is the mental affect on telling small children to stay apart, not touch all day long, as for the constant hand washing that is being required, who knows.