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Daughter at her wits end!

(163 Posts)
Sophiasnana Sun 24-May-20 09:45:56

Is anyone else reaching the end of their lockdown tether? My daughter, isolating with her husband and two children aged 4 and 9, was great at the start of all this. Now, 12 weeks later, I am so worried about her. She started with yoga for the kids and her every morning, set learning times, long daily walks etc. Now, the kids squabble constantly.the eldest refuses to do school work, get fresh air, or do ANYTHING at all. My SIL works very hard from home, locked up in his bedroom/office from 8 to 6 everyday, so my daughter is virtually doing everything alone. I just think the cost to our mental health has been awful.
And before anyone starts going on about what they suffered during the war, I dont think you can compare things. We are living in different times, with different stresses and worries!

Gaunt47 Sun 24-May-20 09:55:43

It is becoming so obvious that these lockdown rules are having a detrimental effect on our society.
Incarcerating healthy young people is cruel. The regulations are unenforceable. Social distancing is unnatural.
Tell your daughter to get outside in the fresh air with husband and the kids, not long walks but activities. Go and join them if you don't live too far away. Give them plenty of hugs.

Luckygirl Sun 24-May-20 09:57:19

I think most parents are struggling to some degree with this. Getting children to knuckle down to schoolwork at home can be a thankless task, without the structure of a school day. I know that my DDs are battling to get school work done.

Do your GC have a garden? Can they do their learning out there? Is there somewhere for them to walk that could be the focus of the lessons? For example one DD took the children to a stream and they designed and made a device for raising water.

Try this link: There are some imaginative learning resources that my DD commissioned in connection with their Lost Words Spell Songs project.

If all esle fails then I do not think it is the end of the world to throw in the towel when it comes to learning - it is one term in a lifetime of learning and not the end of the world. There are plenty of opportunities to learn in the real world. Have you tried family history? - the children could devise a list of questions to ask you and their other grandparents - I did this with our GC and I managed to dig out a ration book and identity card from my parents.

Sophiasnana Sun 24-May-20 10:17:07

Gaunt47, thats the frustrating thing. We live less than a mile from them. (Scotland, so we still have different rules)
I am seriously considering going there today, even if we just spend the afternoon in the garden with them. What my daughter needs, is longing for, is a few hours on her own, as the 9 year old doesnt even go to bed until his parents go, as he is scared and worried. Just want to get back to ‘normal’.

Susan56 Sun 24-May-20 10:31:16

Sophiasnana,we went to see our daughter on Friday.Our baby grandson has been ill since the beginning of lockdown and although he is doing better now it has been a lot for her to deal with as her husband is working and like your daughter she is homeschooling our DGD as well.
We made the decision on Friday that it would be better for all of us if we went over for a few hours and I am so glad we did.
I realise that not everybody will agree with what we did and I really don’t need people telling me they don’t agree with us but we did what we felt we had to do.
I think the positive impact on us all for spending those few hours helping out were well worth it.

Scotpiper Sun 24-May-20 10:32:16

Sophiasnan don’t go today, please! I’m in Scotland too, just hang in there until next weekend when we are “allowed”. I’m in the same position, mine only live 8miles away, might as well be 800. The older GS is 10 and is really playing up. We’ve promised we will have him to stay when we are able, and we talk to him daily on WhatsApp. We just keep saying it won’t be long now. Please don’t be one of the ones who break the rules and we all end up in lockdown for longer.

focused1 Sun 24-May-20 10:39:03

A lot of children are suffering too and as a Mum of 5 boys - now all grown up I would just let the 9 year old have a bit of control and allow him to stay up as he must hear on the news about going back to schooland all the arguments which kids can't rationalise like adults . Now we can meet 1 friend maybe your daughter could meet that 1 friend for a walk etc as when I met my sister for a walk it was the best therapy I could have ever had. We swopped magazines and those dreaded jigsaws which I can then pass to my neighbour .Small things like this do help .
Yes - I would go and see her and see whether the 9 year old may open up to you - maybe via a few questions during a baking seession or out in the garden together - maybe take some seeds and compost ?
Children learn in a variety of ways. My youngest was gaming crazy and I used to feel guilty about him in his bedroom 24/7 . Post degree in Computer Science he has a good job and aged 23 is buying his 1st home so aged 9 I feel that this little boy will do something if a casual game is brought downstairs and silently put on the table or start a craft with the 4 year old and don't put anything out for him ? Maybe your daughter could ask - this Bank Hol to have a few hours to go out / see a friend - yes she is working very very hard

Teetime Sun 24-May-20 11:00:46

susan56 I would have done the same. In fact if we are not allowed out soon Im going to.

Susan56 Sun 24-May-20 11:12:26

Thank you Teetime.x

Sophiasnana Sun 24-May-20 11:35:44

Susan56, Teetime, thankyou both. I agree completely. You have to weigh up the physical risks, and the mental risks, and i really feel I need to step in to help now. Hard to see my daughter like this. She is usually such a ‘coper’. ??.
And Scotpiper, I’m sorry , but I really dont see what difference four days is going to make! I’m beginning to agree with my husband, who thinks its almost like we are being brainwashed into agreeing with the ‘rules’ instead of using common sense!

Gaunt47 Sun 24-May-20 11:42:38

'Almost like we are being brainwashed' ? We are being brainwashed, your husband is right!
This strain of flu which everybody is so scared of is disappearing, just like any other strain of flu, in the heat and sunshine.
All you need to do, as Sophiasnana says, is use common sense.

Marydoll Sun 24-May-20 11:53:04

Sophiasnana, I live in Scotland too, about two miles from my children, but am shielding. If I was in your position, I would go.

During the week, Nicola Sturgeon said in two different interviews, if you have a relative who needs you, and is suffering, then go! Just use common sense, be mindful of distancing and staying safe.

It's a matter of deciding what is the priority. Safeguarding of children is a priority.
It will take a long time for children to recover from this and damage limitation is what has to be done.

You have to preserve the mental health of your daughter and grandchildren and in my opinion, that takes priority.
My wee granddaughter is suffering badly from not seeing any of us, as we used to see her most days. She is normally so sweet natured, but has been having tantrums and meltdowns.

The benefits will outweigh the disadvantages. If you only live a mile away, walk there. It counts as exercise, quite legitimate.

Gaunt47 Sun 24-May-20 11:57:39

Safeguarding children? Children are not suffering from the flu, they're suffering from anguish.

Marydoll Sun 24-May-20 12:03:37

Gaunt47 , I'm not sure what you are saying.

Are you saying that children are not being affected mentally and emotionally? Have I misunderstood?
Physical and emotional health are equally important.

Sophiasnana Sun 24-May-20 12:09:59

Gaunt47, at last, someone who agrees with me! The economic and mental cost of this lockdown is huge. My anxious grandson is already saying he is too scared to go back to school in August! Four year old is scared to leave the house in case of ‘germs’ in spite of constant reassurance from my daughter. Where will it end?

Esspee Sun 24-May-20 12:13:08

@Sophiasnana. If nobody is being endangered I would go to them to help.
It appears that those who make the rules are above complying with them so in your case I would simply make up a story to justify it and do what I consider to be in my families best interest.

Gaunt47 Sun 24-May-20 12:14:09

Marydoll I said they're not suffering from the flu, they're suffering from anguish. Children are not catching and suffering from the virus.
Anguish is my shorthand for mental and emotional trauma. It breaks my heart that these heartless regulations have put parents in the position of being jailers, for now discredited reasons.

Gaunt47 Sun 24-May-20 12:20:29

Sophiasnana It has to end and will, of course. Most children will happily revert to how things were. I hope your little ones are among them.
I think it would be wonderful if more people started gently returning to normal, now. Immediately. Lead the way.
Unless you're shielding, yourself or somebody else.

Marydoll Sun 24-May-20 12:27:07

Gaunt, thanks for clarifying.

Nicola Sturgeon actually stated that they had now recognised the extent effect of Lockdown on the mental and emotional health of people.
So much so, that a new shielding policy is being written to take account of this.
I know how much the fact that I have to shield has affected my own adult children. I suspect they hadn't really accepted how unwell I am, until now.

MerylStreep Sun 24-May-20 12:33:09

I had a call from my daughter pre the easing of the lockdown.
What my daughter said to me frightened me as to her mental health.
I jumped in my car and went to her.
This was on the day that we were informed that one of the SAGE scientists had had his girlfriend over for a cup of tea ?
If a police car had pulled me over he wouldn't have known what hit him. I was steaming ??

sodapop Sun 24-May-20 12:43:25

The effects of the lockdown on our mental health should not be under estimated. I think at this point we have to use common sense and help where we can. We are all aware of the virus dangers and I'm sure would risk assess what we plan to do.
We have to start things moving soon for our mental health and the economy.

Sophiasnana Sun 24-May-20 13:17:33

Thanks everybody. Good to know we are all starting to think logically about things. My daughter has just called and asked us to come over for a coffee, and we’ll all sit in the garden for the afternoon. (Its scotland....we’ll be chilly, but who cares)
The kids are so excited. Hopefully an hour or so together will make us all feel better about things.
I may even hug them!! ???

ElaineI Sun 24-May-20 13:24:10

Gaunt47 - this virus is not the flu. Influenza is a completely different virus, looks different and behaves differently. It is a new virus that attacks various systems in the body in a way that has never been seen before. If you are in any doubt watch Hospital on iplayer.

MerylStreep Sun 24-May-20 13:36:33

No, don't watch the video as advised. Go and enjoy your family ?

FarNorth Sun 24-May-20 13:37:39

Sophiasnana please have confidence that the Scottish government is giving much more thought to this situation and that children will not be forced back to school if the situation has worsened by August. You can assure your grandchild of that.

Surely your SiL doesn't work 7 days a week. Does he take his fair share of time with the children when he's not working?