Gransnet forums



(33 Posts)
sarahcyn Wed 10-Jun-20 10:00:57

I just don’t know what is the right thing to do.
Many moons ago, before CV19, I told my son and DIL that I’d look after their baby when she goes back to work, for one day a week. I made this promise, I’ll be honest, out of duty rather than enthusiasm. I’m struggling to get work and worried my childcare duties will conflict with other roles.
Be that as it may, I’ve said now that in the current climate I cannot do the 1 day a week because my husband had pneumonia earlier this year and I’m scared about him being vulnerable.
My son will be working in a care home and DIL going into an office daily.
I read on the Govt website that childminders can now take in children of all ages. So as a grandma am I basically on the same risk level, i.e. low?
I want to help, but not to risk my DH’s life...

V3ra Wed 10-Jun-20 10:10:30

sarahcyn yes registered childminders have been asked to welcome back all children now, but it's not compulsory (we are self-employed) and not if our family circumstances say we shouldn't.
We still have to do our own risk assessment.
I've been working all through for two keyworkers' children but some colleagues aren't opening up yet.
Your local authority will have a list of childminders that could help your son and daughter-in-law if you don't feel it's right for you to do so.

Namsnanny Wed 10-Jun-20 10:38:38

In your position, as your husband has had pneumonia I would make the same decision, ie not to take the baby in the current climate. BUT I would make it clear in the future I would be happy to review the situation.
Working in a care home does seem to be high risk and you would never forgive yourself if your husband was out in harm's way.
Difficult times.
Good luck

Namsnanny Wed 10-Jun-20 10:39:46

Not 'out' but 'put'.

Luckygirl Wed 10-Jun-20 10:42:56

I agree - you cannot do this because of your OH.

Childminders are in the main younger.

I am sure that your son will understand that you cannot put his father at risk.

If you word it as a temporary delay in the agreed arrangement because of coronavirus the I am sure they will get it.

However, I sense that you are in two minds about having agreed to do this at all; so maybe this delay will give you time to think that through a bit further.

sarahcyn Wed 10-Jun-20 22:46:44

Thank you all, very wise advice.

Hithere Wed 10-Jun-20 22:49:16

Talk to your son and dil, they will understand

25Avalon Thu 11-Jun-20 09:07:45

If they can’t find a childminder some nursery schools will take them. My daughter’s 3 year old and 9 month old are going in 2 weeks time for 2 days.

rosieod1 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:12:53

In a similar situation here. I was looking after my grandson 2 days a week before all of this. My son and DIL are getting ready to go back to work and assumed that things would go back to how they were before but my hubby is in the at risk category and has been shielding for the past 3 months. He had his spleen removed years ago. So obviously I won't go back to being grandma daycare which is sad but I have to put hubbies health first and my own too. So I totally get how you feel

lemsip Thu 11-Jun-20 09:28:55

do not do it! protect your husband!

Thecatshatontgemat Thu 11-Jun-20 09:47:51

Agreed with lemsip.
Their child is not your responsibility, its theirs.
Your responsibility is towards your husband.
Do not do it.!!

Natasha76 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:57:24

I should say that your DIL's job exposes you and therefore your husband to high risk. If you both had good grandparent health, I'd say it's your choice but your husband's bout of pneumonia would put me off. AS women we feel guilty about everything so I have a mental set of guilt scales in my head that I use. On 1 side I have how I would feel if your husband got Covid 19 & on the other side how I'd feel refusing to care for a grandchild. For me there is no contest I'd be refusing to care for a grandchild and presumably your son would want to support you in this difficult decision because he cares for his dad.

Caro57 Thu 11-Jun-20 10:02:57

If it’s a finance matter could you contribute to the cost of a child minder until the situation changes and you can look after DGC

allule Thu 11-Jun-20 10:09:28

I love your idea of guilt scales, Natasha 76. I shall design myself some interesting virtual ones.

TrendyNannie6 Thu 11-Jun-20 10:33:14

Don’t do it. Protect your husband, your husband health should come first, I’m sure your son will understand

Mapleleaf Thu 11-Jun-20 10:39:02

I think, as others do, that at the moment you should not do it, as you will potentially be putting your husband at risk. Stress that once things improve, you will be in a position to carry out your offer for caring for the baby one day a week, but not just yet.

janipans Thu 11-Jun-20 11:18:12

Have you actually been told that you need to "shield" (ie hospital letter)? If your husband has recovered fully, is he genuinely at risk? Or are you using it as an excuse to not do something which you don't sound keen on? I love looking after my grandchildren for my 1 day a week, (though ny OH is shielding so unable to do it until we get the ok from the hospital) but it's sometimes hard work as well - especially as we get older - and is not for everyone! if that is the case it would be better to be honest with your daughter. You could always offer to contribute financially towards childcare if it is needed and if you are able .

Stella14 Thu 11-Jun-20 11:20:00

I agree that you shouldn’t do it. Remember your promise was made before the world was turned upside down in a way that none of us could predict.

Pinkrinse Thu 11-Jun-20 11:22:11

Whilst Childminders (peoples whose job it is) are allowed to go back to work, I havn't seen anything that says grandparents can start looking after grandchildren. I think it's because of the age difference, childminders tend to be under 60 - grandparents tend to be over 60. The risk of covid due to age, is very different. I wouldn't do it at this stage, but offer to review as restrictions further relax.

Sadgrandma Thu 11-Jun-20 11:24:08

I thought that grandparents were not allowed to childmind at this time. I am desperate to go back to looking after my granddaughter two days a week again and to allow my daughter to return to work fully as she struggling to work from home on those days. My granddaughter does go to nursery the other days but my daughter can't afford it full time and my husband and I miss her so much. Can we legally resume looking after her?

Hetty58 Thu 11-Jun-20 11:28:38

Surely, most adult children won't be asking (or expecting) elderly parents to childmind? My children wouldn't put me at risk.

CleoPanda Thu 11-Jun-20 11:29:46

You don’t need any official letters to decide if you need to protect yourself and husband. If it feels risky, don’t do it. It isn’t worth the worry. Promises made pre pandemic have no worth now. What’s happening at the present is relevant. The virus is still here. With lockdown easing, the chances of it increasing again are high. With both parents working in risky areas, the risk to you is high. I’m just starting to recover after 3 weeks. This illness is no fun at all and definitely to be avoided at all costs. You can review the situation in the future. It’s not your responsibility, fault or problem. Your loyalty should be to your husband first. Two working adults can sort out the issues without you in these unprecedented circumstances.

Mamma66 Thu 11-Jun-20 11:51:45

I am convinced that I had COVID 19 in February. I wasn’t tested because I hadn’t been overseas. I ended up having three stays in hospital and was left with heart failure almost certainly as a direct consequence. I am much better now after medical procedures and medication which I will probably have to take for the rest of my life. I am 54. Do not risk your husband’s health

maddyone Thu 11-Jun-20 12:23:11

Namsnanny makes a good suggestion. Let them find a childminder for now, but say you will review it in future. Is it possible for you to pay for the childcare for them? We’re paying for our daughter’s nursery care for her two year old as we are unable to care for him now, and didn’t want her to be out of pocket. We can afford to, but I realise that not everyone can.

silverlining48 Thu 11-Jun-20 13:12:14

Think about the commitment involved even in only one day of childcare especially if you are looking for work. If and when another child comes along it will be assumed you will continue, and once onboard it could go on for the next 8 years. Take it from one who knows. I love mine but wish I had offered care on an ad hoc basis.
In the meantime be careful for your husband’s sake.