anxiety by one member of the family

grannyRose, how are they dictating to other people? They have decided for their family. They haven't and can't stop other members of the family having their get-togethers. They just won't be part of it. It stinks for those family members who want to see them, but their decision to make.

I weigh up all sorts of things when I think about who I will see. What is the occupation of the person? (How many people does that mean they are exposed to and at what level of risk). It makes no difference to me if they are vaccinated. If vaccinated they can be asymptomatic but still able to carry it into my household where we are not vaccinated, None of us are eligible yet. Unless someone had symptoms I'd probably be comfortably meeting outdoors but other people won't be.

Mothers - one of the first things we teach our kids is that the world/life is not fair

Mommy, my friend has a red bike, I want one too!
No, Tommy, you already have one
Mommy, it is not fair! Mine is ollldddddd
Tommy, life is not fair

Same in these threads, when posters says the situation is not fair

It is honestly childish to claim "not fair" to justify his/her pov.

Just because something doesnt happen as you wished it, throwing the fairness factor is not going to fix it

Posters say... autocorrect is very much hated

Nannagarra

Reread your posts and their responses. You asked for advice which overwhelmingly has been to show her understanding, compassion and support.
You won’t give up, will you? Not nice.

Which is have taken on board- this is just an internet discussion. How can you say I 'won't give up' - when I have said in OP that there is probably nothing one can do, and when I have not said anything, at all- to DIL. But I am concerned that children say they are mocked at school because they are the only ones not allowed any contact outside school.

As for 'their family have decided' - that is not really fair either. The family wants to meet for a small outdoor celebration - just one person refuses to.

But yes, I give up ...

Thanks for the few who have understood. We will go ahead and celebrate with one Dil and son- and say they are more than welcome to join us. We will ensure it is outside and all safe- and we will all be vaccinated by then. And if they choose not to come, it will be their decision. However, I know GCs and son would be very disappointed, and will probably voice this to DIL. We are trying to avoid this- the feelings of son and GCs are also very important. (and as said, we have always got on very well with DIL - never been any tensions in the past- and we have spent many happy times together, holidays too).

Kali2, I often find that's the best way with people. Set a day and time, tell them when and where, and then it's up to them.

I get that it's disappointing but sometimes all you can do is accept what isn't in your hands. Not always so easy, I know.

I find it very confusing - and I appreciate that this is Gransnet and not Mumsnet! - that some people like the OP thinks the world should revolve around grandparents’ desires.

AmberSpyglass, I am afraid you have totally missed the point here. But ... your prerogative. How about the children and son, who are restricted beyond all common sense by the anxiety of one person. This is what hurts, that if we go ahead, and GCs and son are not allowed to come by DIL- they will feel just awful, and resentful too. In which case, we'd rather not celebrate at all. It is certainly not all about 'our desires'.

My children (some of them adults) haven't seen their Grandparents for over a year and I know this isn't unusual amongst my friends. I also live next door to an elderly couple and although I occasionally see their son on the weekend as he supports them and very occasionally their daughter, I haven't seen any of the Grandchildren visit for the whole covid period. I really don't think it's unusual. People are concerned about passing it onto 'older' people too. I have most probably been one of the over cautious types but I don't think just because the government say it is ok, it is ok, they are driven as much by the economics as by infection control. We have to mitigate our own risks. That isn't to say I don't understand people are disappointed/sad/frustrated though. I feel guilty as we haven't been able to see my Mother in law and her well being is put upon on my sister in law and it is a tremendous pressure for her. Hopefully once we have all had our second vaccines, things will get a bit more back to normal. They are vaccinating over 40s by me now - so fingers crossed that is a positive move towards some sort of normality

Maybe it would help if you all got the COVID home tests. They take half an hour to know if you are negative? Free from Chemists?

I think the tests might work. A cousin phoned yesterday and we are going to meet up for a picnic having all taken a home test first. We’ve got medical issues on both sides so knowing we could test gave us all the reassurance we needed.

Might it work for your DIL?

Yes, you’re frustrated and ranting on this thread but you might be better to stop posting arguments for your case to anyone who doesn’t see it from your viewpoint. Most are telling you to be patient and compassionate. They’re sympathetic and empathetic.
On a scale of one to ten when measuring enthusiasm for the meet up at the end of May I’d place you at ten and your DIL at one. Try individually asking your DIL’s husband (yes, your son), your DH, your other son and other DiL where they’d honestly put themselves on the scale regardless of your feelings. Don’t guess where you’d put them.
I stand by what I wrote.

Fair enough - but 'ranting' really?

We will all be vaccinated by then- but yes Gwenis- tests might work. As said, we plan to be outside.

The point is, if we can't all be there- it would be better not to meet up at all, as it would put son and GCs in a very difficult situation, because they truly would like to be there, and it would put DIL in an uncomfortable situation.

But that’s just martyring yourself!

Is everybody vaccinated, including the kids?

Kali2

Fair enough - but 'ranting' really?

We will all be vaccinated by then- but yes Gwenis- tests might work. As said, we plan to be outside.

The point is, if we can't all be there- it would be better not to meet up at all, as it would put son and GCs in a very difficult situation, because they truly would like to be there, and it would put DIL in an uncomfortable situation.

A much kinder, more considerate response. I’ll PM you.

All adults vaccinated, and by then all with 2 shots. Of course, the kids not. But as they go to school, they are much more at risk there than with us.

I am with your DIL I’m afraid. I won’t feel safe mixing until I have had my second jab next month. We are still not allowed in people’s houses so she is quite right, there’s too much of that going on as it is so some of us must actually abide by the rules. The old lady across the road from me has had all her family visiting over the weekend and they are definitely going into the house. I am shocked that she is being diagnosed as having a mental health problem, that is ridiculous! She just wants herself and family to be safe. I’m sure we’ve all heard the phrase ‘better safe than sorry’.

The OP, not the lady across the road!

Kali2,
What you just highlighted is a risk your dil and son could see.

Kids are not vaccinated and are a risky group.

This has become a power play at this point.
Anybody can refuse to see anybody for no reason
The response: "raincheck! Please contact me when you would like to meet"
Yes, it also works for family.

Kali2

No I have never said anything to either him or her- pressured, undermined, or whatever. Which is why I wanted to discuss this here, where I know the discussion will not affect them in any way whatsoever.

And that is the thing, she is not obeying the rules at all- as rules have now changed. Son meeting his brother would be perfectly legal. So would a meet up of 4 of us + 2 GCs, or even 6 of us + 2 GC- in a garden. That is the whole point.

When you say that she is not obeying the rules, as far as I know there is no rule saying you must do somethings,

There are rules saying what you must not do.

Some things may now be legal, but there is no rule saying that, for example, people MUST go to a pub and sit outside drinking something.

I have been self-isolating since March 2021. I intend to continue to do so.

I am not sitting here anxious as some elsewhere have presumed. I am content with my situation, content that thus far I have not caught COVID-19. Lots of people have caught it, some have died, some have ongoing long COVID problems.

As you say that this discussion will not affect them, may I mention that a man's first obligation is to his wife and children.

So if a man's wife tries to protect herself and her children, in my opinion, that is what a mother should do.

When a man marries, a voluntary action, he takes on that responsibility, his wife becomes his next of kin.

A man can do his best to help a brother, relative or friend, but within the voluntary constraint of duty that he has chosen to take on to his wife.

The rules it seems are designed to make the pandemic dealable with, so that the NHS can cope with what they are presented with.

Early on there were five levels, the country was at level 5. If I remember correctly the level was reduced to level 4.

Does anyone know what it is now?

When the government says that relaxation of restrictions is irreversible, it seems to me that a government needs to act on what arises, so if reversing is needed that what it needs to do.

Proofreading missed it. Isolating since March 2020.

On the matter of ranting, surely one of the nice things about Gransnet is that if someone wants to have a rant and that helps them then that is fine. I mean generally, I am not in any way saying that the OP is ranting.

ElderlyPerson- I have never said she is not obeying the rules- where on earth?

I really sympathise with both the OP and her DIL and feel so very grateful that such a difference of views doesn’t exist in my family. As a result I am able to see my AC and DGC within the current restrictions.
What surprises me about the many responses to the dilemma is the frequent mention of the vaccination. It’s been announced in the last couple of days that it’s the lockdown and not the vaccination which has brought about most of the reduction in infections and deaths. So we must be watchful as restrictions are eased even though we must recognise that we cannot isolate forever. Although I’ve had my jab and am shortly to have the second I’ve never had any real faith in it. The effects will only be temporary. While this is so welcome it won’t solve the situation long term. The jabs will need to be regularly repeated. In my view unless you are actually ill isolation is a luxury reserved for those who are retired.