anxiety by one member of the family

So of course we can be patient, supportive, understanding ...

but for how long, another month, or 2, or 3 or till the autumn, till Christmas, till 2022? It is hard- GCs are changing so rapidly, and as we get older we feel we are totally missing them growing up.

Correction, in England, 6 people incl. GCs. So we would not consider meeting up with other son and partner until allowed, of course. We were planning for end of May, and only if allowed.

You are well within your right to feel sad or frustrated with your daughter in law but she really isn't alone in feeling like this. I have had past trauma and some parts of the lockdown/restrictions I am sure I have had some sort of ptsd. It isn't even as if she can ring and go see her GP as presumably she'll feel on hyper alert about that too? Try to step back a bit

I’m going to try and put this as kindly but bluntly as I can. I understand you are frustrated and you want to see your family. But no-one other than your DIL and son can decide that. You’ve had lots of advice given to take your time and how to support the family, the fact that you want something else won’t change how you DIL feels.

You seem very focused on the “when” and have repeated this several times throughout the thread and your replies. I’m hoping that’s just you having a vent on here and doesn’t spill over into real life because the repetition of wanting your own timeline, whilst diagnosing DIL as mentally ill comes across as a wee bit selfish to me.

I am sorry you feel so frustrated, and I hope you can persevere.

Thank you. I have never diagnosed DIL as mentally ill. Never.

And as said, have chosen to have this discussion on here, because I can't and won't have it in RL. Of course I will persevere- but we were hoping that after 14 months- we would slowly but surely, be able to see GCs face to face, outside- and then perhaps widen the circle to other very close members of family.

We will soon all be vaccinated, apart from the GCs- and yes, we did hope that would make a difference.

Hang on! Isn't anxiety a form of mental illness? I thought we were about breaking down taboos not building them up again.
If it isn't coersive control and is due to anxiety why is raising that issue being selfish?

Raising it isn’t being selfish, but raising it with the agenda of wanting an anniversary party.........

Anxiety is a mental illness, and perhaps I’ve misread some of the comments that came after my original one - in which my understanding was that this was OP’’s diagnosis rather than an actual one. If this is not the case then I do apologise unreservedly for the diagnosis comment.

But if you have a genuine concern for anyone, and the majority of advice is to be supportive and understanding - then the reply is to repeatedly ask but when can I get what I want? Then yes, there is an element of selfishness there - it is motivated by what the OP wants - to see her family and make plans for her anniversary party.

Is that normal? Probably, I totally understand how frustrating it must be which is why I asked if she was just having a vent. Let’s face it we all do that and this is a great forum to have a vent about things.

The reality of the situation though is that no matter how frustrating, no matter the cause of the DIL’s actions (anxiety or an abundance of caution), OP has zero say here. And to prevent a possible fracture in the relationship when we do eventually come out of this God awful situation we’re all in then this is IMO a case where least said (aloud) is soonest mended.

Kali2

No I have never said anything to either him or her- pressured, undermined, or whatever. Which is why I wanted to discuss this here, where I know the discussion will not affect them in any way whatsoever.

And that is the thing, she is not obeying the rules at all- as rules have now changed. Son meeting his brother would be perfectly legal. So would a meet up of 4 of us + 2 GCs, or even 6 of us + 2 GC- in a garden. That is the whole point.

She is still obeying the rules, she is just not following them to the way you want her to. Just because you are allowed to do more, doesn’t mean you are forced to do more.

I would give it a bit more time to be honest. Coming out of lockdown is a bit like Christmas morning. We’re excited, and want to rush downstairs to see our presents , but parents, like us, used to say, ‘ hold on, breakfast first’.
We’re on the brink...but not there yet, and she could just be exercising genuine caution. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt....for now. Once we get to that big date in June, and all is going well, then perhaps you’d have grounds for concern, but at the moment,I think you’re being a bit premature.

Kali, it’s totally irrational I know and certainly not helping the children, they must be getting neurotic, they need some normality, feel sorry for your son too, he’s walking a tightrope. As to what you can do, I’m afraid very little, your son needs to step up eventually and have a frank conversation stating his concerns about their mental health, perhaps in a few weeks time when she can see how things are progressing.

Lolo81 - I am not talking about a big party- just a very small get together, with DIL, son and 2 grandchildren, and hopefully other son and partner. So 6, or 8 if allowed. No more- outside, in garden- after 15 months without seeing them. Not even a party at all- just being together for a while, outside. Truly I am shocked at the amount of aggressivity and unpleasantness here.

Sparrkling, than you for those kind, understanding words. Yes, I said it myself in my initial post- probably nothing we can do but wait and be patient and understanding. We have never put pressure on anyone- at all.

And yes, I am concerned about the effect this is having on the GCs- who find it all very frustrating and depressing. Teenagers have enough on their plate at the moment without being made to feel even worse.

Sparkling

Kali, it’s totally irrational I know and certainly not helping the children, they must be getting neurotic, they need some normality, feel sorry for your son too, he’s walking a tightrope. As to what you can do, I’m afraid very little, your son needs to step up eventually and have a frank conversation stating his concerns about their mental health, perhaps in a few weeks time when she can see how things are progressing.

I’m sorry, this type of post only serves to make the DIL into a monster for having normal concerns.
Accuses her of hurting her family.

Attitudes like this do nothing to help foster good relationships

The only people being aggressive and unpleasant are those diagnosing your Dil with a mental illness who is hurting her family.

Anxiety about covid is NORMAL.

Give her time, and try to never let her see that you feel she’s hurt her children.

Please Summerlove, you are being truly unfair here. As said, this has never been discussed with son, or DIL- and no pressure was put on anyone.

But are you really saying one should not be concerned about the effect on teenagers- never mind on oneself. Mental issues and anxiety in teenagers are at record high - and it is concerning the mother is adding to this hugely. And no, I have not, and will not- let her see. Not even my son.

I chose to come here to discuss this- well away from them - in the hope of getting some advice and perhaps, yes, support.

Regardless of the size of the gathering, it’s obviously very important to you and is a motivating factor in trying to influence the situation. As I said before I do completely understand that and I daresay I’d feel the same frustration.

With that said, unless your son and DIL are willing to relax their rules around C19, it’s a case of wait and see. I’m not sure on ages etc of all concerned, maybe when all parties are fully vaccinated then that might make a difference. In my area those under 60 are still unvaccinated (except through jobs or health conditions) and it’s not expected to have these categories dealt with til summer time.

I do feel sorry for your situation, everyone wants to get a semblance of normality back and we’ve all missed so much. My own family/extended family have missed 3 landmark birthdays, a big anniversary, a graduation which couldn’t happen and it’s sad and frustrating. What keeps me going is the hope that when it is truly as safe as it can be for all of us then we can have a big catch all and all freely enjoy it without any lingering fear.

Well yes, because we have waited so long, and have been so patient and understanding so far. Not a word said or implied - and yes, we will soon all be vaccinated- all the adults. We are talking here about in 6 weeks time- and yes, we were hoping for a small, intimate gathering, outside. We have missed all sorts of big birthdays and events too.

So sad that people are prepared to meet up for funerals- up to 30- but not to meet when alive, 6 or 8 outside. I don't want anyone at my funeral - I won't care!

Please stop measuring time and try to see her viewpoint.
You want contact; she feels safer keeping apart. Her aim is to protect her family, not to control anyone - just the threat of the virus. She sees statistics but has her own assessment of the situation. She has a personal comfort level despite what guidelines say we can (not should) do.
Most likely her fear and exasperation equal your frustration.
Be sensitive to her. Ask her what she can cope with as a possible first move towards physical contact (maybe a wave and smile from the end of their drive or a chat through a closed window). If she can do this, accept with grace and take it slowly. I think she’ll benefit if you all give her the lead to take baby steps.

Kali2

Please Summerlove, you are being truly unfair here. As said, this has never been discussed with son, or DIL- and no pressure was put on anyone.

But are you really saying one should not be concerned about the effect on teenagers- never mind on oneself. Mental issues and anxiety in teenagers are at record high - and it is concerning the mother is adding to this hugely. And no, I have not, and will not- let her see. Not even my son.

I chose to come here to discuss this- well away from them - in the hope of getting some advice and perhaps, yes, support.

You seem unable to see past your wants.

I was trying to provide alternate ideas.

I truly wish you well in your wait.

You say you have waited long enough

She and your son say "we are not ready yet"

They win

Have you ordered your freely available lateral flow tests yet? My D and sil have to test on Sunday’s and Wednesdays so their small children can attend school. We’ve had both jabs now so feel safer and are happy to see them Sunday’s or Wed now- once they’ve tested! Still in the garden though. Maybe all of you testing would help Dil to feel safer?

Your DIL is just taking a more cautious approach than you are. Each person and family has to decide what they are comfortable with. That might be difficult for some other people who want to see them but we just have to respect different people's choices around this. I'm sure your DIL has good reasons in her eyes to make the decisions she has.

In our household we go with the most conservative person when it comes to what is okay to do. The choices of one person affect all the rest. Your DIL might have a medical condition to worry about that you aren't aware of. She might be waiting for everyone to be eligible for the vaccination. She might want numbers of new cases much lower before she feels safe. You just need to respect that.

If your son thinks there is more going on, he needs to talk to his wife about that and support her. If they haven't yet reached an agreement about how to handle opening up more, maybe that's the conversation they need to have.

Reread your posts and their responses. You asked for advice which overwhelmingly has been to show her understanding, compassion and support.
You won’t give up, will you? Not nice.

Kali2 Why don't you just start to plan a May get-together with the rest of the family? Your DIL may be feeling more relaxed by then.

I absolutely understand your point of view.

Last summer when restrictions were eased a bit my grandchildren were not "allowed" to see their other grandparents even though it was perfectly legal and I was prepared to facilitate the meeting. I was also restricted in my movements by my daughter more than the government.

Now I am being kept from seeing my new grandson even though I have been vaccinated and the rules allow me to do so.

Many people have been so terrified by government policy that they are quite literally petrified by fear. It is going to take a long time for the fear to subside and even longer to rebuild the fractured family relationships.

Sorry I can't give any advice but I'm battling to keep my own emotions in check, knowing that if I explode I will do further damage to already strained relationships with my family.

ElaineI

Your son and DiL are in charge of their own family and need to be respected in the way they have protected them. It is no one else's business how they have done it. The problem is not with them but with you complaining about it so much. Many people are anxious about lifting restrictions and she is right to be cautious.

The point here is that the son and dil are not just in charge of their own family, they are also dictating how the rest of the wider family live their lives. This is not right and not fair.

At some point someone is going to have to say, "We are not going to be restricted by your unreasonable fear. If you want to cut yourself off from the rest of us then do so but we are going to get on with our lives."

We can't all stay locked up until the last person feels "safe".