90 year old unwilling to meet after self isolating

Sounds like a good plan FarNorth.

Well as a daughter with a very elderly mum I’d be there whether she liked it or not. I’d want to see my mum and make sure she is actually OK. Each to their own but I’d never live with myself if I didn’t see her and it turned out she wasn’t really ok.

Do you think she would be happier to meet up if she knew that her vaccinations had worked?
I was feeling anxious so got myself a Covid antibody test which showed that I had the highest level of protection despite being on immunosuppressants.
If the GP won't do it you can pay for a test. I got mine from Lloyds pharmacy on line but I had to fill a tube from a finger prick which she may find a bit daunting. I think some pharmacies will do it in person.
I admit to being a bit like your Mum and have actually enjoyed an excuse not to socialise.

Polarbear2

Well as a daughter with a very elderly mum I’d be there whether she liked it or not. I’d want to see my mum and make sure she is actually OK. Each to their own but I’d never live with myself if I didn’t see her and it turned out she wasn’t really ok.

But that would be about you. You're admitting that you would do things your mother might not like.

Would you want to be infantilized like this by your adult children?

You know all of us grandparents who have been desperate to meet up with our children and grandchildren again, reassure ourselves that they’re okay and our relationships with them are unbroken?

Well here we have a daughter desperate to see her mum again, in person, for all the same reasons - and somehow that comes across as unacceptable? What am I missing?

Even if she’s 90 she has a right to decide if she wants to see someone or not.

One of the greatest indignities of first widowhood and then approaching age was people doing things ‘for me’ that I didn’t in the least want them to do. ?

looking out of my bedroom window and seeing a neighbour digging my garden unbidden.

A visitor kindly coming to ‘keep me company’.

Helpful gifts of items they thought I should have in my house.

They wouldn’t have intruded like that when I was 50 and working. Why did they think they had the right to interfere in how I lived, because I was older and not living with someone.

It diminished me as an independent person. It meant they saw me differently from the person I am. I had become less of that person in their eyes.

If the OP needs to see her Mum for her own personal benefit, to gain something from it, because she needs her Mum, then I don’t suppose there are many mothers that would turn their child down.

I do find it a bit amusing/frustrating that people can’t accept that her Mum is happy as she is. It reminds me of my MIL who could never accept that you didn’t want a cup of tea and would produce one anyway. And then you were obliged to drink it because she had made it.?

grannyactivist

You know all of us grandparents who have been desperate to meet up with our children and grandchildren again, reassure ourselves that they’re okay and our relationships with them are unbroken?

Well here we have a daughter desperate to see her mum again, in person, for all the same reasons - and somehow that comes across as unacceptable? What am I missing?

This totally- I can't believe some of the comments here.

What am I missing?
That the mum is in one of the most vulnerable categories and has also, no doubt, got very used to feeling that anyone/thing from outside is a threat to her.

If a Gran's adult child or grandchild was in a similar situation, because of a pre-existing condition perhaps, I'd hope the Gran wouldn't try to insist on visiting.

In normal times, reluctant people may be expected to socialise to be polite.
But times are not normal, and we don't actually know that danger has gone.

Or just that she’s happy and content as she is and has got to a point in her life when she feels she’s made enough effort doing things for other people and it’s time to do what she wants for a change?

I feel for you Misunderstood, I think you have been! If I still had a mum, living on her own at 90 whom I hadn't seen for over a year, I would want reassurance that she was managing to keep clean, to cook for herself, and keep the house relatively sanitary. I would also like to think that she cared enough about her daughter to think of my feelings. Was she like this before Covid? If not then I would start to worry. Can you talk to her neighbours for reassurance perhaps? What is she like with you on the phone, or doesn't she answer?

I think that lockdown has been a ‘God sent’ for a number of people ....less pressure to dress up, see people, keep house tidy etc etc???

Misunderstood, if you are ordering her groceries for her, she is actually dependent on you and I can understand why you are worried about her welfare.

I think Teacheranne's idea is a good one except that it's a tall order for you to travel 300 miles to do the desensitisation technique T recommends.

Your mother has a right to become ill and die all alone if that is what she wants, but I doubt if that is what she wants. Can you get in touch with her GP, or health visitor and ask them to check up on her?

Back last summer when we were having a lot of get togethers in our close ( no traffic ?) playing charades, quizzes, general chat, I would often cajole several of our more reluctant neighbours ? into coming out.
They told me they were so happy that I’d done that as they knew they were getting afraid of going out. They couldn’t wait for the next get together.

MerylStreep did that apply to absolutely everybody, or were there 1 or 2 who stayed at home and were happy with that?

The people you mention are not the same as the OP's mum, who has always been antisocial.

I am nowhere near 90 but I would have refused the idea of a car run last summer.
missunderstood do you have form for trying to pressurise your mother?

FarNorth
There are only 12 bungalows in our close. There would usual be about 6/8 of us who went out for every meeting ( once a week). There were 3 who were reluctant ? to begin with.

God the thought of someone cajoling me is making my toes curl

If OP and her Mum have both been double jabbed, and OP is generally careful, then there should be very little risk involved in meeting Mum. Perhaps she needs a little longer to realise that it would be safe.

Just re-read the OP. No-where does Missunderstood talking about forcing her mother to meet, or putting pressure. But asking for ideas on how to help her mum realise, as varian says, that it can be safe.

I no longer have a mum and do miss her still many years later. The thought of her refusing to see me would be very upsetting- and of course it would have been her right. I feel for you, and yes, you are, Missundersood.

Perhaps the house is a real mess, she has been hoarding, and thinks you will be critical. Or that she herself has 'let herself go' - hair, nails, clothes, etc. Or both.

My brother was widowed 2 years ago, and his wife's daughter from a previous marriage barges in and says the place is in a mess, puts my brother in one room, and goes around cleaning and throwing everything from the firdge away, and papers he is still reading, etc, etc. He just does not have the courage or strength to tell her to 'get off'. She means well- but is a total pita!

Arghh! Why is it so hard to understand that this lady is happy with the support she gets and her life as it is. Indeed it’s the life she always wanted ?

Why do other people think they know best and she does needs persuading into a different life, when she’s made herself quite clear?

Truly, is it so impossible to believe that some people would rather be alone than in company?

I wouldn’t stop anyone from going out with friends and family if that’s what they like. Why do they want to stop her from being alone when that’s what she likes?

The OP says of her mother She has always been antisocial, never had friends, won't have any help at home and "can't be doing with people" and I think has actually been quite comfortable with the situation as she doesn't have to be bothered. so it doesn't seem as if this is a change just because of Covid.

If the OP could come back and let us know what her mother did enjoy previously, it might be possible to offer more suggestions that would suit her.

If you are doing your mother's shopping online and speaking on the telephone can I assume that she doesn't have access to the internet and cannot facetime If so, then you really cannot know if she is OK as you haven't actually seen her.

I would be concerned as to her welfare as you say she has always been antisocial and so presumably no one has seen her. It's very easy to convince someone over the phone that things are in order. I know this from experience with my MIL.

Personally, as her daughter, I would visit and check she is really ok. Stay overnight somewhere near and then come home.

I wouldn't contact the neighbours (shes antisocial) or GP, unless when you get there she is Ill.

It has been a difficult year and for some it has been the excuse they needed to stay at home and that's fine but for your own peace of mind, (you're are allowed that) I'd make the journey.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

I can see both sides. The OP wants to see her mum and her mum doesn't want to see anybody. We don't know why she doesn't want to see anybody but irrespective of her age, that's her choice.

Given that getting in a car with someone is still quite high risk I would think that is not a great suggestion for somebody who might be worried about infection.

If it were me, I would travel to the area and stay overnight somewhere, and ask my mum if I could come and see her from the garden, if that's possible, and have a chat. No pressure, no requests to go indoors, no offers of cake, no cajoling. Then the IOP can see her mum, get an idea if there is a problem to be addressed, or satisfy herself that mum is, in fact, OK.

My view only, of course, but I'm with the introverts on this thread.

IOP = OP