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Cannot visit grandkids if we fly

(61 Posts)
Maryelizabethrose Tue 13-Sep-22 03:54:23

Our dil only wants us to drive to see new grandchild. We can’t see them if we fly. We live in sw Colorado they are in San Francisco. We are fully vaccinated, would take Covid tests if needed. Boosted whopping cough shots. I feel she is being unreasonable. Baby can’t be vaccinated for 5 months from now. Husband says he’d drive the distance for first grandchild’s birthday. I feel shut out. She hates talking on the phone and son will talk if forced to. So communication is difficult. She gets to see her family all the time who live near. Is flying worse than driving? Anyway, I am upset I can’t go see the babies often. Any kind words appreciated.

imaround Wed 14-Sep-22 02:42:22

I want to point out that airports are risky, but planes themselves are very low risk. There are studies in the article I posted.

Maryelizabethrose Wed 14-Sep-22 02:57:12

Thank you everyone for input. The information I’ve read is mixed about flying. So we’ll drive when we can. I was frustrated by the circumstances and sad I cannot get there as often as I want.

silverlining48 Wed 14-Sep-22 08:50:16

It’s always sad when children are so far away Maryelizabeth.
You will work it out. Congratulations on your new grandchild.

Hithere Wed 14-Sep-22 13:47:06

"I was frustrated by the circumstances and sad I cannot get there as often as I want."

Even if you could go as often as you wanted, would that match your son and dil's frequency as well?

SecondhandRose Thu 15-Sep-22 11:10:31

Could you fly a week before and then stay away from them?

sazz1 Thu 15-Sep-22 11:30:03

You will definitely need to stopover at a hotel or motel. Also visit restaurants. So there's probably more risk to driving. I would fly, stay in a hotel for a week then test

pascal30 Thu 15-Sep-22 11:32:41


Could you fly a week before and then stay away from them?

exactly what I was going to suggest. Find a nice airbnb and have a lovely 2 week holiday with short agreed visits to see your family so that they don't feel overwhelmed...

nipsmum Thu 15-Sep-22 11:49:58

I agree you can pick up any infection anywhere. While I don't agree with your Dil I have to say their child their rules.

Theoddbird Thu 15-Sep-22 11:50:28

Do the new parents isolate themselves to stop themselves catching covid? If they are seeing her family regularly surely there is a risk there as well. All these people come into contact with others all the time...they could easily catch covid. Seems a different rule for her family... Why is that?

GoldenAge Thu 15-Sep-22 12:02:11

Drive and break the journey up with an overnight stay at somewhere interesting. Don't make this a confrontation between yourself and your dil. The conversation about how long your dil keeps up this requirement can be had when you get there and might be in a position to ask what she would feel comfortable with. I accept this might seem as though you are pandering to her but see it from her perspective. During the pandemic in the UK, we never stopped seeing our grandchildren who live five minutes away (heart of London) because we were all at the same risk, but we didn't want another grandchild who lives 250 miles away visiting because the incidence of covid was much greater there at the time. If your dil is unreasonable and fails to take account of regional differences (i.e. you might be coming from somewhere with a very low incidence of covid) then she has an ulterior motive. However, for the moment, accept her wish to protect her new born at face value and drive there.

Fleurpepper Thu 15-Sep-22 12:02:53

She is not reasonable- but it is her choice. Make the trip into a holiday, stopping on the way there and back to visit places you've never been to, and keep smiling.

Or take the train from Denver.

Fleurpepper Thu 15-Sep-22 12:06:54

Make it into a circular route, with at least 2 stops each way, 3 would be even better. A great trip to enjoy, and a baby to see.,+%C3%89tats-Unis/San+Francisco,+Californie,+%C3%89tats-Unis/@37.6493543,-123.0550544,5z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m14!4m13!1m5!1m1!1s0x874014749b1856b7:0xc75483314990a7ff!2m2!1d-105.7820674!2d39.5500507!1m5!1m1!1s0x80859a6d00690021:0x4a501367f076adff!2m2!1d-122.4194155!2d37.7749295!3e0

Yammy Thu 15-Sep-22 12:20:46

A relation was banned from seeing her first grandchild for the same reason. She lives in Australia, she and her husband had to have booster jabs for a lot of childhood illnesses and have another covid booster then wait quite a few weeks. She only lives on the other side of the city. She did not say if it was family or State rules.
I feel so sorry for

Milliedog Thu 15-Sep-22 12:21:05

And it's not just the plane flight itself. A few months ago we flew from Bristol Airport and the tightly packed queues for security etc were far worse than I'd anticipated. At least if you are in a supermarket you can avoid being up close and personal with other shoppers. If time isn't an issue, think you could fly there, stay in a hotel for a week to make sure you haven't caught Covid and then see your family.

Cossy Thu 15-Sep-22 12:39:08

Personally I thinks they are over reacting. You have both been vaccinated, you can take every precaution and not fly yet still pass on Covid, I’m assuming you would need to stop several times on your 19 hour drive including overnight and for comfort breaks, who’s to say you won’t catch Covid (or any other transferable disease) on the way. If you’ve agreed to test before and after flight and wear masks and keep away from people at the airport as much as you can, then I’d say you’re no more at risk there than anywhere else.

4allweknow Thu 15-Sep-22 13:22:03

If you don't fly and given the minimum of 19 hours for a road trip you will probably need a stop over somewhere and of course breaks for mrals etc. No matter how, you will be exposed to any possible source of the
virus. Don't know what the levels of spread are in the USA. In the UK I have been flying up and down the country for the past 4 months. Family been doing so too. No one has caught the virus and very few wearing masks on the plane. Think you should postpone your visit until GC until all vaccinations are done.

Dressagediva123 Thu 15-Sep-22 13:26:36

I feel for you I really do - our children & Grandchildren live abroad and we have to fly / as no way to see them otherwise. Could you fly and then isolate for an agreed time / take a test after the isolation day ?

HannahLoisLuke Thu 15-Sep-22 14:11:19



Yes, flying is worse. There is much more chance of getting covid. My DD flies with GC to visit me. We know we are taking a risk to see each other.
But we would understand if either of us didn't want to take that risk.
It's just unfortunate that you live so far away. Sad times.x

Why do you think there is much more chance of getting covid if you fly?
As the OP has stated she is vaccinated, boosted and will take covid tests, how she gets there is irrelevant.

Because in a car she is cocooned from other people, unless she stops off at a service area of course. Airplanes are breeding grounds for germs. Everybody sitting close together, aircon circulating it around. Doesn’t take much working out.

Mamma66 Thu 15-Sep-22 14:24:17

I am not keen on flying (not because of COVID, I just don’t like flying). A few years ago I went to the South of France from the Midlands in the U.K. with a friend. Because I don’t like flying and we needed a car as we were going to a rural area, we drove. More importantly, we made the trip part of the holiday. It sounds like a small (and obvious) distinction, but somehow making the journey part of the holiday made it one of the most enjoyable aspects of the holiday. Why not look on the map, take a few roads less travelled, have some stops on the way and make the best of an unfortunate situation? Difficult times we live in ?

Nanamar Thu 15-Sep-22 14:59:26

I think the only way to fly would be, as some have suggested, isolate for a week after the flight and test. If you test negative after five days you are most likely not infected (not that precise of a thing, but incubation is typically 3-5 days). That said I recently drove myself from CT to CA to relocate and actually enjoyed the drive. I was super careful to mask at rest stops and in public areas of the hotels where I stopped for the night.

SolitarySpirit Thu 15-Sep-22 15:06:54

I have to agree with the other posters I’m afraid, being high risk myself I would probably say the same in a similar situation. But can you not speak to your son or daughter-in-law about talking on zoom more often as you can’t get to see them all very often. Perhaps if they realised how cut off from them you feel they might make an effort to talk more. I hope you can resolve the situation.

Philippa111 Thu 15-Sep-22 15:31:11

How about flying and then renting a small apartment close by and having a mini holiday for a few days until you can prove you are covid free... I'm not sure how many days it takes now? That long drive sounds awful and very tiring.
I know my sister in the US wasn't allowed to see her new granddaughter if she has seen friends and had to isolate and wait several days ... and they live almost next door! She wasn't happy either.

It's a natural instinct in any mother to protect her child and generally they seem to be extra cautious now with covid. In the past if you had a cold of flue you were also discouraged from visiting.
We are living in more different times now!

grandtanteJE65 Thu 15-Sep-22 16:05:57

First and foremost, congratulations on becoming grandparents.

I get the feeling this is your first grandchild.

If so, perhaps you have forgotten, as we all have over the years, how overwhelming becoming a mother is, so before you say anything to your son or DIL that could cause hard feelings, try and remember EXACTLY what scared you silly when your son X numbers of years ago was new born.

Looking back, you doubtless can see how unrational your fears were then, but at the time? Come on love: were you scared silly, someone would come into the maternity ward bring meningitis or TB or polio with them and give it to your cherished baby? Or were you convinced a horde of unhappy women who had just lost a baby, or who would never be able to have one were lurking around waiting for you to leave your son for a minute, so they could steal him?

This is where your DIL is now - scared silly that Covid is going to come along and kill HER BABY.

Cut her some slack, please. It will repay itself, I promise you.

Quite honestly, I feel that the risk of catching Covid on a plane, train or bus, where you are sharing the air you breathe with total strangers, going to the same tiny toilet cubicles, standing in queues etc. is far greater than if you drive there - even if a nineteen hour journey means staying overnight in a motel.

But it honestly does not matter if the risk is greater - your DIL is scared and convinced that it is. Humour her! She is not trying to hurt you or treat you unfairly. She is just a young mother coping with the emotions that flooded her when she held her precious baby and with the stark fear that invaded her when she really realised for the first time that from now on her first priority is to protect that little child, cost what it will.

Drive to see them, breaking the journey on the way, and if you and your husband can afford to do so, stay a couple of days and take covid tests in the town where you son and DIL live before going to see them.

Explain beforehand that this is what you intend to do, to be sure you mimimize the risk as far as humanely possible, and enjoy the visit and you grandchild, when you get there.

MerylStreep Thu 15-Sep-22 16:17:43

Hire a motohome. That way you can just please yourself and no worries about catching covid. Plus, you’ve always got somewhere to go ? if you want a break from your hosts.

montymops Thu 15-Sep-22 18:13:34

I suppose people have different feelings and fears about Covid. My sister in law has just flown to Los Angeles from here to stay with her daughter who has just had her second baby- no problem.