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Is no contact reoccurring in families

(65 Posts)
Luckylegs9 Thu 27-Dec-18 09:12:43

I spoke to one one recently who had no contact with her in laws, she said they clashed. Now her Dil and Son have distanced themselves from her and her partner and she's heartbroken. I didn't delve into anything but couldn't help wondering how her in laws saw the situation and if this was a way some families deal with conflict and things font get sorted. Despite my past issues, we always had our parents and in laws in our lives and there was no falling out, we managed to smooth over minor problems amicably.

stella1949 Thu 27-Dec-18 10:01:52

In the past we were expected to continue contact with family members, no matter how toxic they were to us. My own mother was a poisonous woman who made my life a misery, but I never imagined that I could "go no contact" since such a concept just didn't exist in those days. Maybe it would have been better if I had done it - my mental state would have been healthier without her nastiness .

I don't think people "go no contact" without giving it serious thought - it is a big thing to do. I've read about people on Mumsnet doing it,and it's always for good reason.

Anniebach Thu 27-Dec-18 10:09:53

My three sisters have put me on their ‘no contact’ list, I don’t think they had good reason

ninathenana Thu 27-Dec-18 10:13:31

DD's MiL is in a league of her own when it comes to toxic. She has never said a good word about any of our family in the 15 yrs DD has known her.
I can't say more but we would all be happy to be non-contact.

tiredoldwoman Thu 27-Dec-18 12:53:26

I've just had a 'I do not wish further contact with you ' text from my volatile daughter . All because a granddaughter didn't like the presents that I'd bought for her and I couldn't get the refunded cash back to her until this morning !

tiredoldwoman Thu 27-Dec-18 12:56:58

There's so much pressure on everyone at Christmas , it certainly brings lots of problems ?

FarNorth Thu 27-Dec-18 13:03:17

That's very upsetting, tiredoldwoman. I hope it was just a flash of temper and contact is started up again.

Buffybee Thu 27-Dec-18 13:05:18

Your daughter is being nasty and bullying with you tiredold.
I feel that's it's disgraceful how this younger generation are cutting contact with their own parents for next to nothing.
Spoilt, petulant and entitled are words that spring to mind.
Ignore her rude text and ignore her, until she apologises!

sodapop Thu 27-Dec-18 13:08:12

I'm not sure that there is always a good reason for the no contact scenario. The post from
tiredoldwoman illustrates that.
It seems to be a modern phenomenon although in earlier times family members often 'did not speak' I think there are so many ways of keeping in touch now that the 'no contact' is meant to cover everything. It's very sad when families fall out like this and the contact veto means there is no way of putting things right. As someone who has no other blood relatives apart from children and grandchildren I find this all quite sad. I do see from issues within my husband's family how easy it is for things to be misunderstood etc and then as the adults all lead separate lives nothing is resolved.

tiredoldwoman Thu 27-Dec-18 13:34:48

It'll be fine ! There's another birthday in her household next week and I will go with gifts as per normal .
But I will be treading carefully as in a minefield , if she doesn't answer the door the children will , I'm sure ! If not , I'll just hang them on the door handle and retreat .............

tiredoldwoman Thu 27-Dec-18 13:37:51

I'll hang the gifts on the door handle - not the children !!!!

crazyH Thu 27-Dec-18 15:40:17

Oh Tired, that made me seem very chilled out. That's the way. All the best !!

Elliepops Thu 27-Dec-18 19:16:56

Goodness me. What a horrid person. No need to acknowledge but your better off without her. What a selfish unkind person

notanan2 Thu 27-Dec-18 20:43:05

Well Trauma is passsd down & sometimes distance is the only way to break the cycle of unhealthy relationships. However for some people the NC will come too late to halt the trauma so they will still struggle to maintain future relationships as a result of their past unhealthy relationships, even if they are now NC.

Sad. The damage people can do to each other.

notanan2 Thu 27-Dec-18 20:48:30

It seems to be a modern phenomenon

Its most definitely not but in the old days going NC (especially for women) often meant jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, because back then you couldnt JUST go NC & stay living in your home town. "Old days" methods include accepting the first marriage proposal that came along, going into service in another city, merchant navy, clergy/convents etc. They were all common "escape routes" away from toxic families. But sadly often worked out to be just as abusive/toxic. The good thing is that nowadays people can get away from family without also drastically affecting the course of the rest of their lives.

lemongrove Thu 27-Dec-18 20:56:46

I just worry that ‘no contact’ will become cool and easily done.Fashionable, if you like.
It should always be given a great deal of thought and not rushed into.
There does appear to be a lot of it about, whereas, as they were family, people would put up with it more.
The word ‘toxic’ has become a buzzword.

notanan2 Thu 27-Dec-18 21:00:00

It was always about. It just wasnt talked about... like a lot of things.

Of course its not easy! Who ever said "you know what? Too many people love me, I wish I had less loving people in my life!"
Noone. Ever.

People wont go NC unless they feel that the relationship is loving. Or that the damage outweighs any love in it.

Anniebach Thu 27-Dec-18 21:01:53

I am cut off from my sisters but in no way are they toxic, there was a disagreement followed by silence , no unpleasant text messages .

notanan2 Thu 27-Dec-18 21:02:59

And being something that has only recently been talked about. The language used is bound to be blunt and crude.

It was something that was quietly and shamefully just delt with behind closed doors so the vocabulary wasnt there... people brushed it off..said their relative moved for work etc.. didnt talk about it.

So some allowances should be made for the inadequate and blunt way its spoken about now

notanan2 Thu 27-Dec-18 21:10:55

Sometimes people arent bad individually, but they're terrible together. The relationship is toxic but the individuals aren't.

It happens in marraiges and it happens in families and it happens with co-workers. Families are made up of individuals after all. They are relationships like any other.

However, if 2 good people are terrible together theyll only see the worst in each other, because they never see the other when theyre not together, bringing out the worst in each other. So the other person may seem toxic IYKWIM

lemongrove Thu 27-Dec-18 21:20:35

It’s not always about being terrible with each other though,
Someone I know, who liked her DIL suddenly found herself deemed ‘no contact’ on FB because her son had left the marriage and found a new love interest.
Suddenly my neighbour had no grandchildren or DIL in her life.She is devastated by this.

notanan2 Thu 27-Dec-18 21:50:02

No sure there are lots of variations.

But I think when it comes to language like "toxic" what matters is recognising the feelings behind the words, rather than seeing them as labels IYKWIM.

IMO it describes a "gut feeling". It could be dread or fear or hurt or anger or shame... (as distinct from a more rational "head" emotion in response to a one off argument or event) amounting to the relationship causing a physical stress response in one or more of the people in that relationship

GrandmaMoira Thu 27-Dec-18 22:14:55

Notanan - I think it is very true that lots of people got married to the first person that asked to get away from an unhappy home, in which case the marriage could often be worse than the parents.
In my mother's case, she cut contact with her mother after she joined up in WW11. I think it was harder for those left behind then as there was no social media or other ways of finding people so people would not have known if their estranged relative was dead or alive.

absent Fri 28-Dec-18 04:37:02

I think that there have always been family members who have such difficulties that one or the other – or all – has cut off contact. Of course, these days, with mobile phones, the internet, Facebook, Twitter, etc. the absence of contact is more apparent than perhaps it was in the past and is more widely publicised and talked about. Once upon a time, families maintained a front that suggested all was well even when it wasn't. However, I wouldn't mind betting that sometime in the past, someone said, "Do not let that woman/man into our cave ever again!"

agnurse Fri 28-Dec-18 06:26:19

I, too, am sure that there were families who didn't speak and didn't get together. It's just that it wasn't something that was discussed.

We fall prey to the age-old question of is it really more prevalent, or is it just that we're more aware of it now?

Keep in mind, too, that back then there was much greater "tolerance" of emotional and even physical abuse. People kept their stories of abuse silent. On top of that, there wasn't the constant communication that we have now, so people didn't really compare how often they had contact. One person's limited contact may be completely normal to another person.