Support for all who are living with estrangement

Thank you so much Smileless. As ever, you are a great encouragement and support! Time to start choosing that ruby!

You're so welcome Dolcelatte . The thing I love the most about this thread are the friendships we've built.

Being here for one another is so important. You have been here for me and it's my pleasure to be here for you x

got my new chrome book - yipee. No more messing about trying to get on the internet. No more trying to type using a touch screen which I hate, as I'm a touch typist, that's touch, not touched, and the touch screen takes too long.

Thank you Mr. S. for buying this today, for showing me how to switch it on, yes he had to show me, how to access GN and how when I'm finished to close it down.

I just need him to download messenger, make a short cut to GN and our email account and I'm set.

It's OK, he can do that tomorrow.

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The facts are that tragically children are sometimes killed by a parent(s), GP, sibling, baby sitter, drunk driver, reckless driver, paedophile; sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.

"The fact remains that GP's kill their GCs. And warning children to stay away from them is diligent, safe, protective parenting" No, it isn't.

Telling children not to go off with strangers, to tell where they're going and who with is a diligent, safe and protective parent.

A parent who dislikes their own parents, even with good reason is a bad parent if they use their personal vendetta to frighten their own child.

A child will not see their GP if the child's parents don't allow them too. That is protecting a child from abusive GP's, that is what diligent, safe and protective parents do.

You are not posting about the "truth of estrangement" you are posting from your own perspective and experience.

On a support thread for those living with estrangement which includes GP's estranged from their GC, to post "The fact remains that GP's kill their GC's" is offensive and unwarranted.

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My posts are extreme!!! Do you ever read your posts once you've made them?

TBH, when I read your posts, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

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Why would "any abused child" be interested in my comments unless they were about the abuse I experienced as a child.

Yes, I was an abused child. I brought it into a discussion here on GN sometime ago as I believed it was relevant.

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Why don't you move? You live in America, relocate to another state. If your parents are continuing to abuse you and you fear for your's, your daughters and you family's safety why don't you move?

Hugshelp, how awful for DD! TG, she has family to rally around her!

Dolcecatte, my head is spinning from reading your story, and I don't even know your DD! So I know it must be even more bewildering for you (an understatement, I know). I totally get your feeling "dazed." She tells you she's pregnant - and then first lets you know this is her second child! She blocked your texts and phone calls - and yet says you should have just show up unannounced and unexpectedly! Oh, I don't think so. Some GPs have had the police called on them for that, even if it ended up in nothing. Does she realize how illogical she sounds? ("I totally blocked you, so you should have come over..." Sorry but that makes no sense.)

Maybe it's true that she just wanted to be chased, but as what cost? Another possibility is that she's just talking out of guilt. She knows she blocked your messages, but she's trying to throw the blame on you (sigh). It may now be too painful to face her own culpability. Either way, she sounds very confused.

But, at least, that suggests she's having second thoughts about her behavior, and that her conscience is bothering her about it. From what she says, it sounds as if the same is true of SIL. I'm sorry it's related to money. But I agree w/ others that it's a start. I understand your fear and uncertainty, however, and I would proceed w/ caution. As Smileless says, "one step at a time." Best of luck!

Smileless, I had no idea you were abused as a child! I'm so sorry!

Twnety, I didn't see your posts. However, I take it that you're still afraid that your parents might abuse you and your family. IMO, Smileless' suggestion to move is a good one - and don't tell your parents your moving or give them your new address. Would it be possible? You and your family unit shouldn't have to live w/ this fear always there.

Oh goodness Dolcelatte I hadn't realised there was another GC on the way too. It is very complicated, needing to build a relationship with the one you have just found out about while anticipating the second. Being afraid but not wanting to give out the wrong message through nervousness etc, I can really understand that. And I would imagine wanting to build equal relationships with both GC but being aware that getting to know them both will be very different. I am sure you will adore them anyway but I do see complications and feel for you. But as others have said, one step at a time.
Glad you got the chrome book smileless - I'm a keyboard girl I can't do touch pads either.
Not sure what I missed but feeling for all those affected by the different sides of the problem.

Dolcelatte, How much you and your husband have suffered. I know I have never been in your position, how could anyone treat their own family that way? . You have a big heart, I hope you find a way through all this. You do have to look after yourselves. It must be so hard trusting again, I don't think I could, that would be my problem, which is wrong I know. We should forgive and move on, give things a second chance.
It is good you have each other on this forum, for support and friendship in what must be heart wrenching circumstances.

Trusting again would be my problem too TBH Peonyrose.

Forgiving and moving on can entail moving on from that person, that relationship.

That's a good point hugshelp something I hadn't considered. It will be different for you Dolcelatte forming a relationship with a GC known from birth and one 14 months old. With time it wont make any difference I'm sure but to begin with it may feel strange.

I hope it helps knowing that we're all thinking of you and are here for you Dolcelatte; take care x

Thank you so much everyone for your warmth, advice and support. The shock and numbness is beginning to fade a little and I have moved from a position of not being able to look at the photos of my existing DGD because of the pain, to the stirrings of a deep, deep love, even though I have not yet met her.

DH had a very long conversation with DD last night and I was pleased that he did. A lot of issues were talked through and he is capable of being much more measured about things, whereas I get emotional and upset. DD clearly has a different perspective on things, even though DH though that some of her responses were quite irrational. I think that whoever said that she is confused is absolutely right. Since she is with her husband 24/7 (he doesn't work at present) and hardly sees anyone else, she doesn't have any other perspective.

DH explained how hurt we were and apparently she agreed that her actions were hurtful although she seemed quite defensive. Anyway, it seems that she does want to have a relationship with us - and I hope with her sisters in due course, although they are not very amenable at the moment as they have been hurt themselves by being abruptly cut off and because they feel sorry for us. However, DD2, who is staying with us at present, and says she never wants to have a relationship with DD1, was very taken with the pictures of the baby, now a toddler so hopefully, in time, there is a prospect of all round healing. The advice given by the lovely Gransnetter to be positive was very sound.

DH has suggested a meeting in January (at her place which is about 5 hours away) and to take things very slowly, which seems a sensible approach. That gives time for the dust to settle and to come to terms with things. The last thing we want is to travel a long way and end up having an argument or upset her in late pregnancy.

I don't think it will be a problem forming a relationship with both DGC - hopefully - as I will meet them both at the same time, which is another good reason to leave it until early in the New Year. Part of me wants to just jump on the first train and go and see DGD1, but I feel that DH is right in recommending caution. I have reached the view that it is better to rely on his judgment as mine is so clouded that I can't think straight at present.

Nice to hear that progress is being made, Dolcelatte

Well here’s my tuppenceworth having been through the whole estrangement/reconciliation process.

It is difficult in the early days of reconciliation (for both sides) to believe that something so fragile can be durable but I found that I had to compartmentalise words like trust and treat the whole process as a new beginning rather than a continuation of where we’d left off.

My DD and family were changed as were my DH and I so it became more of a getting-to-know-you-now kind of thing with an agreed approach of not harking back to the past and who did/said what. Your need to be reconciled should be greater than your need to be ‘right’ and as in so many situations, the least said, soonest mended.

I can’t emphasise enough that both parties have to acknowledge to themselves their need to look long and hard at their own behaviour/outlook, because that is the only thing they can change.

I truly respect my DD now as an adult and as a parent and I think the feeling is now mutual where we probably hadn’t done so previously.

The phrase ‘lessons have been learned’ is one that grates on me normally as it can sound very glib but it does sum up my thoughts on our situation.

A lot of good and positive news in your post Dolcelatte and hats off to Mr. D. for doing such a great job in being able to talk to your D and his suggestion that you all wait until January before you meet.

Presumably there will be some contact in the meantime, photos of your GD and updates. I do understand your need to just jump on a train and go and see her. Your DH is right IMO to recommend caution.

A great post Pantglas. We don't hear many stories of successful reconciliation so it't good to hear yours.

Our lovely girls next door have found yet another problem with their property. We've had more than our fair share but bless them they've had more than us.

It's very touching that they know they can come round to us for comfort and support. They've become family to us and helped to fill the void the loss of our son and GC left.

An unlikely friendship but a real blessing.

Lovely to read about a successful ending to estrangement with a loved one Pantglas 1.I’ll hold onto that. I pray night and day that we will once again be reunited with a very much loved member of our family.

Granniesunite I hope your prayers will be answered.

I'm praying w/ you, Granniesunite.

Heartwarming post, Pantglass!

Dolce glad to hear of the progress being made. I know you'd like to see all your DDs reunited, too, but, IMO, they have to make those decisions for themselves. Hope the progress continues for you and DH. And, BTW, kudos to DH!