Support for all who are living with estrangement

I’ve just tried to catch up with a few days of posts, and see a completely different tone has surfaced....yet again.

This particular thread was set up as a ‘safe’ space to come to when the nuances and day to day difficulties of living with an emotionally challenging situation ( which was beyond changing), could be shared with others in a similar situation.

How or why they suffered is of lesser importance

If some people would like to ‘be honest’ or ‘challenge’ or ‘explain ‘or ‘discuss’
They are free to.

But could they please be very generous or kind to those of us that are at times too sad or overwhelmed or exhausted to argue, and set up another thread so the ‘atmosphere ‘ on this one can get back to being supportive?

Thanks for reading

How lovely smileless!!
Happy Anniversary to you both, long may it last!
Enjoy the day what ever you decide to do with it

Enjoy your day smileless - well done both of you on coming through tough times together x

Thank you Namsnanny and Pantglas.

Dolcelatte maybe it would help if you imagined it as your daughter telling you she is expecting a baby. There must be lots of happy feelings swirling around in there with the hurt. Maybe you need to let yourself feel those fully and it might change your whole perspective.

Also, I would just like to say: Congratulations!

Happy Anniversary, Smileless and Mr. S! And many happy returns of the day!

Dolcecatte, quite a shock, indeed! I agree w/ those who say that D may have wanted to be sure the reconciliation was going to last before she brought her baby girl into it. Also, I'm sorry, but maybe she didn't feel as fully "reconciled" as you did, she may have still had doubts, for a while, and though of it only as a "trial reconciliation." Mismatched perceptions.

But if that's the case, then that means she now does feel sure of your renewed relationship. So that's good news! Please take it in that spirit.

Glad DH found a pleasant way to respond. I'm glad you plan to, also, but I understand you may need some time to sort out your thoughts and feelings first. I hope talking with us makes it easier.

And, BTW, congratulations!

Thank you Starlady. I looked through our wedding album yesterday and thought 'my goodness didn't we look young'. Of course we were young.

My goodness. I thought I was on the wrong page as we seem to be mixed up with an estrangement thread. What is going on?

I have been missing from the kitchen for a while as a change in my alzheimers medication upset the apple cart for a while, but now back on the original stuff am coping much better.

Although the trusty post-it notes are to hand I don't think I am able to recap at present as several posts have confused me (easily done)

Anyway I hope everyone is well and enjoying these last days of summer before autumn kicks in. I hope to be able to resume my seat in soops kitchen on a more regular basis.

TOYA

Apologies, just realised I AM on the wrong thread.

No worries Izabella.

That's ok, Izabella. Sorry you had a problem with your medication, but glad you're doing better. Hope you find your way to the kitchen and get back to what you enjoy.

Thank you all for your messages and support, and belated happy anniversary to you Smileless - what are you planning for the ruby one?

Still processing the news, had a long, frank and emotional discussion with DD on Friday. She says that she does want us to be involved and have a relationship. She said she hadn't received any of our phone or text messages because she had blocked all of us, but we should have written to her or just gone round to her house (which is hundreds of miles away). I said that would be an infringement of her boundaries if she didn't want to speak to us, but I thought it was a rather odd thing to say. My other DDs think that she wanted us to chase her and I think they are right.

I still have very mixed emotions. I am very pleased for her but I also feel detached and numb, if that makes sense. I look at the photos and think that's a lovely baby but it could be any baby, not my DGD. I think the problem is that I am afraid of loving my DGC, as they might be taken away and I really couldn't cope with it all a second time, after our estrangement from her. She assures me that it won't happen but it's like being burned - your instincts tell you not to go too near the fire again.

The other aspect us that she said that their conscience had prompted them to tell us after we agreed to make them a generous loan (which in reality we are not expecting to be repaid). I just think that she should want a relationship for love not financial gain. My DH thinks she does want a relationship but is mixed up and he may well be right, but I can't put myself in a position where I have to 'buy' a relationship and DH agrees.

My feeling overall is that this is a big step forward - certainly DH believes so - but that there needs to be some ground rules in place. I don't want to feel used or manipulated. I would give anything out of love but I don't ever want to feel emotionally blackmailed. So I need to proceed with caution. Things will be different, hopefully they will be better, but they will never be the same. The last shreds of trust have been eradicated on my part.

I don't want to sound negative and I know that a lot of people on this thread would, rightly, be delighted to be in my position. But I am telling it like it is.

Hi Dolcelatte it's good to see your post; I've been thinking of you.

I can honestly say that I for one wouldn't be delighted. Like you, I'd be afraid of loving a GC that I feared could be taken from me. Trust is such an important element of any personal relationship and once broken, so difficult to get back.

I worry about DS having children of his own. Would I be too afraid to love them in case we lost them too? I do understand.

It's perfectly understandable that you feel numb and detached at the moment. You've seen only photo's of your GD but despite your fears, I've no doubt that when you see her for the first time, you'll be bowled over with the love that you'll feel.

I also think your DD's are right, that she wanted to be chased. When you've been blocked and unable to send text messages or get her on the 'phone, writing letters seems pointless and just turning up on her door step, well how many times have we been told here on these threads that that would be harassment. How many times have we been told that sending cards to our EAC and/or EGC amounts to the same thing.

Your DH may well be right and I hope he is but it's unfortunate that your D waited until you'd made a 'generous loan' before telling you that she has a child.

A belated happy anniversary Mr and Mrs smileless
Oh goodness Dolcelatte - I can certainly understand the 'wants us to chase' thing - we still have no contact with our ES but sometimes hear via our DD that we should have done X, Y, or Z in order to make contact, but when we do it is ignored. I do feel hopeful for you, though I also understand your trepidation. xx

Bit off topic but our DD went to stay with her partners family and had a lovely time, then on return while her partner was helping her in, in her wheelchair, some blighter ran off with her suitcase. She doesn't have much so losing all her best clothes and many personal possessions was downright rotten. We're all rallying round ofc but the thing she's most annoyed about is a baby coat she had nearly finished knitting for her best friend's first child, which took her ages and is of course worthless to the thief.

Don’t feel bad about being conflicted on this Dolcelatte, I remember those feelings when my DD got back in touch after many years of self imposed estrangement.

It was particularly hard to trust what was happening given everything that had gone on but I knew that I could control one thing - my responses. I determined from the beginning that I would be positive and there would be no backtracking or rehashing of events.

It was very slow, small steps in the beginning with short meetings for coffee, then lunch, the odd phone call, occasional texts etc. It was/is a long rebuilding process and many years later we are in a very good place and I hope you and your daughter get there over time. Best wishes x

Sorry about that my I pad froze so I had to send before I lost my post. Using Mr. S. Back to D it’s good that you’ve talked to your D and managed to get some things out in the open.

Take it one step at a time and know that we are all rooting for you. Great post Pantglas where better to get advice then from someone who’s been there ?

Thanks hugshelp and to answer your question Dolcellate for our 40th anniversary I would like a very BIG ruby?

@hugs - that's terrible, so sorry to hear about the theft, how could someone do such a horrible thing.

Thank you all for of your support and encouragement. Smileless, thank you for understanding my feelings and Pantglas for your optimism. DH is always optimistic and thinks that I am unduly pessimistic, not in general but on this topic. He doesn't really want to talk about it any more, so it is great to be able to offload here and to have such lovely people on my side.

I appreciate that if I meet DGC I probably will just fall in love with her and that's what I'm afraid of. Instead of joy, I am filled with apprehension and fear. I don't want to convey a message that I don't want to see DGD but I wonder if I need more time to reflect.

This bombshell is also going to make it harder for a complete family reconciliation, which I was hoping for, as DD2 and DD3 have not been impressed by all of this, to put it mildly. They have been lovely and supportive, as ever, and I know that they have also been very hurt by DD1's cutting off from them.

I was delighted that DD had shared news of what I believed to be was her first pregnancy. I was so excited and telling her how she would feel when she held her baby in her arms and offering to buy a pram and asking her about when baby was kicking and saying how thrilled I was that I was going to be a granny for the first time - you know, all of the things that you do and say. Now I feel a bit of a fool and don't know how she could have these conversations and not tell us.

Also, I have never met the other GP - who sound lovely and who apparently advised that they should have told us. DD says that she should have told us but she is telling us now, as though that's ok then. But I am pleased that she has support from the other GP, who live locally, even though it makes me feel surplus to requirements.

I am feeling so conflicted at the moment, so hurt and also angry. I had a close and loving relationship with my own mother who sadly died before any of my girls were born, which is a great regret as she would have loved them. I just can't get my head around any of this, I'm afraid. I feel dazed and not really quite with it.

Great idea Smileless

Dolcelatte maybe you should suggest counselling together. As a estranged child myself if I were to start a new relationship with my Mum, I would sense the distance and the underlying tension. You guys need to get on top of this for a bright future together. With a safe place to talk this through and someone to support you both you may find a good way to express your feelings without risking losing the relationship again

Sorry Dolcelatte but are you saying you talked to your D about what you thought was her first pregnancy but she’d already had her D?

Yes Smileless. She told me about the child she is expecting but not the one she already has.

Thanks for your suggestion Lost. I think it will be ok but I just need a bit more time to get my head round it all.

Anyway, just been cheered as DD2 and her long term BF have just told me that they would like to buy a house in the place where we live!

Oh I see so she’s expecting again. No wonder you’re mind is in turmoil.

It was good that the other GPS wanted them to tell you about your GD I hope there’s some comfort and reassurance for you in the knowledge that your Ds in laws are thoughtful and considerate ?

That sounds wonderful Dolcelatte?