Chrissie, IDk if you're coming back in here or not. But you asked about ED, "How do I give up on her?"
Reading this over again, here's what I'm seeing:
"After a few weeks of silence she said she wanted nothing to do with me. I later went to see my grandchildren and she ordered me from her home..."
I understand that you wanted to see your GC even though ED did not want to see you and probably felt that estrangement between you and her shouldn't impact your relationship w/ those GC. How did you expect to see them at their home though, w/o encountering ED? If anyone else had told you they wanted no more to do w/ you, would you show up at their house? I doubt it. So what made you feel this was ok to do where your daughter was concerned?
Ok, maybe it was the desire to see your grands that did it. Can you see, however, that ED may have seen your showing up as a disrespect of her wishes? Did you only do this in this one case? Or has brushing off her wishes been part of a pattern over the years? IF it has, then that might be the reason she feels the need for some distance.
And IF that's the case, then, IMO, it's not a matter of "giving up on her" but of backing off and respecting her wishes, as painful as that may be. Maybe if she sees a show of respect towards her, it will soften her heart after a while.
Of course, I may be totally off-base on all of this.
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