My daughter refuses to see me

If it were me also like the post says send cards etc and I would also at the same time buy another one write the same thing in it and keep it so if they are thrown away by the person controlling, you have a card, letter etc written to hopefully one day show you did send them xx

Gosh, I have never seen a post about not leaving money to the children who go contactless. I wouldn’t do it personally, but I can see that it would be tempting.
I have one DIL with MH issues, caused by her rotten family. She is jealous of my relationship with my son and focuses her angst on me. I suppose it’s easier than confronting her own family. She won’t discuss our relationship. I have apologised and grovelled to her for everything I have ever done, all to no avail.
Luckily, my son will not allow her to cut contact with us, ( but this causes her to think he takes my side, which is hardly my fault) but after the last visit to their home, we vowed to be very cautious about going again.
We still see them both infrequently now, and really keep our distance for their sake. I want them to be happy and she is normally a thoughtful and kind person ( except to me) who has been mangled by her family. She hasn’t seen her own Mother since her parents horrible divorce at 13 years old.
She has meltdowns, and then the next time we meet it is as though nothing has happened. It’s bizarre.
My only option is to do what I am doing, which is being polite and friendly when we meet, but not going out of my way.
I honestly have been so generous to them, ( House Purchase etc) but I am now being more generous to my other children and partners who are kind and welcoming, and we see frequently.
Hard as it is ( and I have cried over it) the only thing that you can do, is to do whatever you feel like. If you want to send cards and presents go ahead. I did give my DIL a £100 voucher from the White Company on her birthday, but I wanted to do it.
A friend, who has been instrumental in cutting off her husbands family (because of his Mother) pours contempt on whatever his Mother gives or sends. I have begged her to try for her children’s sake and have some compassion, but she won’t. She gives the MILs presents away.
I have gone over and over the situation with her, but she is totally blinkered, like most young marrieds, who have no idea what it is like to be a MIL. It’s ironic that I am in the reverse position ( although not NC)

You get them on Mumsnet giving us the benefit of their opinion without any experience. Lol
My DIL will no doubt reflect on her behaviour when she takes on the MIL role....too late for me though, as I will be long gone.
So try hard to stop crying OP, and concentrate on your own life as you don’t really have much alternative.
Lots and lots of Hugs as it’s awful. Xx

Sometimes we accept the inevitable and live in hope the wrong will right itself and sometimes we need to stand and fight. Talk to a solicitor about your rights as a gp. If that's her decision to cut you off coersed or not, then fine. Why should the gc miss out; they too are a part of you and their aunt. Supervised visits might be the start but they are better than no visits or contact. It's a harsh tact but sometimes we just have to make a stand. Good luck.

Chrissie, my heart goes out to you as I am in exactly the same position. My DD is in a controlling relationship and she has maintained only sporadic contact for the last two years (including six months of completely 'ghosting' us), although she does send birthday cards etc. She has no contact with either of her siblings or grandparents or her friends. It was a gradual detachment, as he gained more and more control. It was agonising for quite a long time and I suffered depression and went to counselling.

We are, in fact, due to see our DD in a couple of weeks, with him, and fingers crossed - I have to say I am anxious. I believe that we are only being allowed this supervised visit because they are seeking financial support.

But for your sake and for the sake of those who love you and need you, please be strong. There really is no alternative but to give it time, think positive thoughts, and get on with your life. Sending you hugs and support.

I last saw my eldest GS when he was 7. He’s over 30 now and the hurt is still there. I have tried to contact him, sent letters and cards throughout his childhood, but I never knew whether he got them. I last tried to contact him just before his 30th and got a message from his stepfather telling me to leave him alone. It’s affected my relationships with all my other GC as I couldn’t allow myself to get too close.

There are so many of us in this situation. You have our support and sympathy. There's simply nothing you can do if she's been so callous. She's cut you off and you're looking for a reason. I can give you that, it's selfishness, immaturity, fear, lack of assertiveness, mental instability. Take your pick. This is the way millenials are these days, as someone else has mentioned previously. They don't care about the precious relationships of gp and gc. They only think of themselves. Its heartbreaking knowing how much we have cared and looked after them, only for them to repay us in this way. There comes a point where you need to understand that its nothing you did that caused this. Please stop beating yourself up trying to find reasons, you need to find acceptance and love yourself. You will cry and the pangs of missing the GC will be hard, but hope you will take comfort in knowing how many others are going through the same thing.

Joyfulnanna - what a lovely and sympathetic post! Our situation is no where near as sad but I am feeling a little sorry for myself today as it is our DD's 40th birthday and we know she will be celebrating with her in laws as they have been staying with them for the past week but sadly no invite for us. I agree that the millenials are very self - centred. You have my heartfelt sympathy Chrissiegirl!

My children are millennials. They are kind and caring both of the older generation and of each other. I could wish they had learned from me how to save but I have nothing else to fault them for. They even have reasonably polite children, my beloved grandkids. Please don’t tar all millennials with the same brush.

Maxdecatt that sounds awful, I can't understand the thoughts that went into that. I do understand the feelings of pain and rejection but I'm sorry that's too much anger and aggression for me.

You have my sympathies as I'm almost at my 1st year of estrangement from my daughter and her family. I've cried and tried for months , I still send cards but I've had to accept it for what it is... out of my hands

I have just bought a book from Amazon called 'The book you wish your parents had read and your grandchildren will be glad that you did' long title I know but I've not put it down since it was delivered 15 minutes ago. Please read as I'm sure like me you want to prepare for the day you get a 2nd chance to be part of their lives.
I'm filling my life and days with things that make me happier, enjoying the people in it. I don't want to be an empty shell of drained emotion or bitterness, please be kind to yourself and leave them alone until a change happens.

maxdecatt thank you for your advice re wills. Our DD has not had any contact with us for just over 6 years. BF and his mother have a hold over her and have made sure she has cut all ties with her family and friends. I hurts every day and l don't think the pain will ever go away. She is our only child and l would never want him or his family to have anything we have worked hard for.

We will have to make a will and give it someone more deserving or spend it.

I had a thought! Could it be some closed religious sect they've got involved with? My friend became estranged from her family when she was a teenager and joined the Scientologists who took her over body and mind for about 20 years. She got away eventually and reconnected with her family who met her children - she had 3 by then.
There could be a number of reasons for losing your family.

Heartbreaking yes!
End of your life? NO!

It must be hard and I'm sure you miss them, but the important thing is to know that they are well. Our jobs as parents was to protect our children when they were small and help them, as much as possible, to grow into healthy, independent adults. Your job is done and reasonably successfully. Now it is time to get on with your own life and not spend too much time thinking about what is not to be.

It could be her or it could be her partner, but you will always have the door open and kill the fatted calf if she has a change of heart.

I don't think that it's uncommon for AC who have gone NC to be cut out of wills, I know of a couple. I believe that you are advised to leave a letter of explanation. Doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

All this talk of cutting the daughter out of wills, did I miss something? Was the OP asking how to get her revenge on her daughter?

The only thing you can do is let her know your door is always open and you'll always love her . When she's needs you she will be back . Until that day you must get on with your life .

There are 2 ways to have love in our lives: to receive it, and to give it. We can't control who gives us love, but no one can stop us from loving others. It's ok to be sad about the situation, she's missing out on having you in her life. Don't give up hope! Hugs.

What happened that your daughter said she wanted space?
How was your relationship with your daughter when she was growing up?

If you continue contacting her, it may be interpreted as harassment.
She asked for space, give her space.
If she needs you, she knows where to find you

I see nothing wrong in cutting someone out of your will if they aren't speaking to you - out of choice. I'm not sure it applies here. I would keep the door open in case your daughter needs you some day. Perhaps check is she in contact with friends. Is there somewhere she goes without husband where you could slip her a letter in case she doesn't get your mail?
But please get on with your life in the meantime. My son stopped speaking for years - I won't go into detail but not my fault. I had to put them out of my head as much as possible and get on with it. But don't give up hope.

Reading all of these is very sad there are no winners in these situations. Not much help but I really hope all get to a reconciliation small steps.

Is it possible to chat with her neighbours? Maybe you could glean some useful info as to whether the grandchildren being looked after and happy etc.just trying to help in an awful situation.

Just needs to photo copy cards letters etc surely

"She has cut off her sister"

"Her partner is very controlling"

See something here?

As I have said before. It is nothing you have done. Sounds like a controlling partner. Eventually she will break away from him and rush home to you. Meanwhile do nothing to make the situation worse, just do what so many others have to do. Sit and wait and when she returns just love them unconditionally without recriminations

I wouldn't go to the neighbours or others.

Your DD is a grown adult. She needs to solve her own problems.

It is indeed possible that her partner is controlling her. It is also possible that she simply doesn't want to see you or her sister.

At this point we do not have enough information to determine one way or the other.

My heart goes out to all of you here in similar situations! Hugs!

Sussemac, I'm deeply sorry about your depression and your DH's disability. How awful for DD to go silent at such a time! Perhaps she thinks she is giving you needed space to take care of yourself and DH? Or maybe she was upset by what happened the last time you babysit and needs time to cool down. Could be she simply has her hands full w/ YGS (youngest grandson) though I hope not for her sake. Please be patient - she may reach out again, in time - and focus on taking care of yourself and DH. Please also hire some help, if possible, to, maybe clean, or help w/ DH's care, or whatever would take some of the pressure off you.

Minerva - So sorry about what you went through w/ your teenage DD! Glad she, eventually, returned home! Bless you for being loving and patient, even though I know it must have been hard.