How do I forget they exist?

With estrangement its not a love hate relationship! far from it. I doubt any estranged parent has told their AC that they love them but dont like them, the AC have turned their backs on their parents, cut them off! Theres is no relationship!

Quite right Starlady, the OP's D had previously said that the OP wasn't to buy any more toys for her GS to take home, thanks for reminding us of that.

That one point so clearly demonstrates how some take a specific example made by an EP, which shows the unreasonable and unacceptable behaviour of an EAC and are still prepared to lay all of the blame at the door of the EP.

No rosecarmel I didn't say at all or in so many words that it is acceptable for me to love my son but not like him, I said that that's how it is for me.

I don't like who he's become, I don't like the way he behaves, I don't like the fact that he's denied his GM's not just him their GS but their GGC and no, I don't like the way he's treated me and his father. My love for him despite this, remains as strong as ever even though I don't want any contact with him.

You're right Jenty, this is how I feel not what he's been told.

Rosecaramel....all those horrible names, are you suggesting they were used on this site?
If so I would join you in being shocked.
If not then they have no bearing on these discussions and shouldn’t even be quoted.

Namsnanny, this discussion has addressed many facets of interaction in real life and online-

Name calling is offensive- It isn't a form of support- But you will find examples of name calling on this site being used as a form of support-

Does that shock you?

Starlady, do you support name calling as a form of support and if so can you explain how it is useful- For example ..

Say a DIL refers to her FIL as "fill in the blank" in her post- And you (general) refer to him as "fill in the blank", or worse, when responding to her post-

Isn't name calling a violation of loving, supportive language?

rosecarmel it would be more productive if, when you see a poster name calling, to challenge them rather than ask
Namsnanny and Starlady who don't engage in that practice if they are shocked by it or consider it to be supportive language.

Good morning to you too, Smileless- At the the time of their last posts both ladies showed they were fully capable of expressing themselves- Self moderation is a lovely practice and I'm glad that GN supports it- And when content is questionable one has the option to report a post-

In real life, as well as online, I prefer not to assume- But I'm human, and catch myself doing it -- too ..

I agree that when the content of a post is questionable there is the option to report it. There is also the option to challenge the post, which is what I have done.

My reference to the posts you made to Namsnanny and Starlady does not imply that they are incapable of responding themselves. It is common practice to refer specifically to a post that was directed at another poster, as I'm sure you're aware.

I'm glad that you prefer not to assume, even though you appear to have assumed that I responded on behalf of Namsnanny and Starlady when in fact, I was giving my own response to your posts.

The best I can do is to respectfully suggest that you re-read your own post to discover where assumption was presented as fact-

It's about to rain again, I love rainy weather- How about you? My hair is incredibly unruly, totally has a mind of its own- The rainwater softens it- Weather is the best hairdresser ever! And it's completely free!

Except in states where they tax rain!

Rosecaarmel...I’m missing your point I think!
I’m sorry but to me it looks like just be a stream of words that don’t amount to a conclusion.
Why can’t smile less comment? Why does it matter that others use name calling so long as we/you don’t?
Why is it that having the honesty to say I don’t like my sons behaviour towards me but I still love him, showing anything but REAL love?

Many would say loving someone in the good times is easy....try loving them when things are bad, that’s where true love lies I believe.

Thank you, Smileless.

Rosecarmel, I definitely don't like name-calling and don't think it's very productive. In fact, as Smileless indicated, I think we can report name-calling though that might only be if a member here name-calls another member (IDK, I'd have to revisit the rules). I'm not crazy about if a member calls their relative or IL a nasty name. But for some people, that's part of venting, I think. On sites like these, where people are talking about sensitive parent/AC or PIL/CCIL issues, I think we have to expect that sometimes we're going to hear some very unpleasant comments about their DIL/DD/MIL/whoever. And maybe it's better here than if they say it to the person's face?

Yes, Starlady- Here instead of face to face would be the lesser of two evils for someone to choose from it they felt compelled to have to use name calling to get their point across- No need, however, for others to follow suit when responding- There are plenty of other words to choose from when offering support- Repeating the meanness invites more-

Namsnanny, or course she or anyone can comment! I simply don't buy into what one member says about another member- People can speak for themselves- If they choose to -

What does it matter to you that it matters me? Hahaha!

I think enough about loving but not liking has been said -- let it digest, yes?

Love is always there, Namsnanny- In good times and in bad- No matter what arises- You can be sure of that-

Sorry your words just seem like a stream of consciousness rather than a conversation with a beginning a debate and a conclusion.

Never mind wouldn't do for us all to be the same.

The above was in reply to rosecarmel

"No need, however, for others to follow suit when responding- There are plenty of other words to choose from when offering support- Repeating the meanness invites more-"

Points taken, rosecarmel.

JEMz, are you still here?

Star lady...jemz left about 2 pages back! She said she had enough if the negative comments!!

I know, Namsnanny, but sometimes posters say that and then stick around or return.

The post how can I forget they exist? . Well you never will. You can however, after trying all you can to reconcile, stand back and try to make a different life without every thought being about the estrangement, as however much you fret and worry and make yourself ill won't alter it, it eventually drives other people away as they can't cope with the intensity of it. There are so many people suffering estrangement, it is mind blowingly awful, a thread like this where there is that one common bond, rejection, is sp helpful, all in the same boat. Good luck.

Peonyrose. Your comment makes sense. Just had another black weekend feeling sorry for myself and crying a zillion tears. This morning, out of the blue, I get an abusive text reminding me how crap I am. Have now blocked every way of communication, I just cannot take anymore random contacts, non of which resolve anything, the messages are aimed at twisting the knife so to speak. Now to start a new life.... any suggestions?, I feel like I'm stuck in mud and cannot think how to get out of it.

Peony, you make a lot of sense. If you reread, however, you'll see the OP isn't fully CO. She still gets to see her GC though she always has to initiate the contact, ask to see them and is never invited, etc. She could contact her D to arrange the visits with the GC, but chooses not to. Still, D lets her see them by contacting SIL instead. I can see where these in between cases can be harder for some than full estrangement.

Hopefully - Hugs!

It always surprised me, though, when I hear about this random contact via nasty emails, etc. As I understand it, according to the "script," one is supposed to go fully NC, no occasional emails, texts, etc. Why, I wonder, do some AC break that "rule" just to send hurtful messages? And do the messages give any hint of what caused the estrangement?

By the way.. my daughter is my next of kin... would you change that?

Yes hopeful1 in your situation, as things currently stand I wouldn't have her as next of kin. I'm glad you've blocked every way of communication for your own well being.

Starting a new life, well you've already begun by cutting off the oxygen supply that enables your D to be so cruel. It takes time to begin to heal and accept that your relationship is over, so take each day as it comes.

Allow yourself to weep when you need too without self recriminations, it's a part of the healing process and it really is 'better out than in'.

We eventually moved but had we not, I was thinking of a bit of redecorating, moving furniture around. Small things to make our home look and feel different. Not quite a blank page on which to begin writing the next chapter of our lives but a good start.

Moving is an enormous undertaking especially when there's so much upset going on. It really was the best thing we could have done but they were living very close, too close just 15 doors away.

Now that you've stopped the nasty messages you've removed that particular area of stress and your life will gradually settle down.

Perhaps the cruel content of random emails, texts etc shows the cause of the estrangement; the nastiness of the estranging AC Starlady.

They go non contact because they want no contact which in itself is cruel, but for some that's not enough so they have to keep picking away at it and are unable to let it heal.

Despite this being what they want, maybe it hasn't given them what they thought they wanted and needed. Maybe they are unable to heal from estranging themselves from their parents and want to make sure their parents can't heal either.

I wouldn't accept abusuve messages from anyone. I would tell the person sending them to grow up and you would not receive anymore. Then block them. Any abusuve return to sender.
Starting again, can be empowering. Spoil yourself if you can, have a look at your wardrobe and update it, have your hair done and join a class or group. I joined a local walking group. You had a life before children, you can again. It's hard being rejected by anyone, but your own child, you never expect that. It's more common than you think, but not talked about. Stop trying to find a reason or rerunning every conversation to find out what you could have said or done to justify them cutting you off, there is no justification, if there's a problem, you are grown up and discuss it. Let them have their freedom, gc might old day contact you. Your child might when they stop pressing your buttons. I could never treat anyone as badly.