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Do not let estrangement ruin your life.

(122 Posts)
Peonyrose Sat 06-Jul-19 07:34:41

When you are estranged from someone you love so much, it us hard to think of anything else. After trying reconcilliation and being rebuffed, please try hard not to let it spoil your life, keep busy and work at being happy with what you do have otherwise it's a waste if a life.

Smileless2012 Wed 21-Oct-20 10:54:20

I like that quote too Lavazza. Presumably that's what people who estrange think but it's just as pertinent to those of us who have been estranged I think.

Lavazza1st Wed 21-Oct-20 13:08:21

Yes @Smileless2012 unfortunately I think it does work that way. But still good for those who need to set healthy boundaries to ensure they don't tolerate any more abuse. flowers

Nicegranny Tue 27-Oct-20 23:48:26

I welcomed my son’s girlfriend with open arms and heR 7 year old daughter. She was nice at first but a little uptight and I saw her nagging her daughter. I’ve since heard her be pretty nasty to my son and also she has nit picked me. They have bought a house together recently and I have had to withdraw from them because she always seems to be moaning about something and it upsets me especially when I hear her having a go at my son who incidentally has a heart of gold. They see my ex husband his long term partner and my three stepsons and wives and l felt that she has been so nice around them and everyone else but me. It’s as if she resented the fact that my son and l were close and now they live together she has some sort of control thing and has made it clear that l irritate her. My daughter noticed the gf manner towards me and was annoyed by it where as l pretended not to notice. I feel she wants to push me away from my sons life with her but if my daughter turned up she would be all over her. I don’t know what to make of this. ☹️

Smileless2012 Wed 28-Oct-20 08:56:59

That's how it was for us Nicegranny with our ES's wife and like you we firmly believe that she resented our closeness, especially how close I was to to our ES.

Pretending you don't notice is a good idea but I understand how upsetting and difficult it is.

Madgran77 Wed 28-Oct-20 09:00:22

Nicegranny "Not noticing" is hard but probably best strategy at the moment flowers

Nicegranny Wed 28-Oct-20 13:16:37

Thank you for your replies ladies. My daughter pointed this out to me very early in there relationship and I didn’t want to admit that I saw this mean streak in my sons Gf. Now I feel that I will have to face a lifetime of walking on eggshells with his gf or take a little less notice of her and her daughter. My son was used to me working away and we FaceTimed once or twice a week so now I’m making sure we talk like we used to as in “when his gf isn’t with him”.
I will maintain supporting my son whenever he needs me because when he has things he needs to talk about lm often his first port of call l will simply continue to step back and not be so open with his gf. Be it right or wrong I don’t think I could stand it again to have her be so obvious with her demotion. She had a her child at 19 and I don’t think she had the support from her own mother that she probably needed. I don’t think her relationship with her own mother is that great as she has a partner and seems to live her life for her own man where as lm single and lived to work hard to support myself. The sad thing is there has been a couple of times when my son has talked to me about his gf behaviour that almost ruined the relationship and I can see there could be problems ahead. I so want to see them be happy together but she clearly has insecurities that she needs to deal with but this uptight manner and biting could drive my son away. They could have a lovely life together if she just chilled a little. In the meanwhile I’m keeping out of her way, sadly.

Lavazza1st Wed 28-Oct-20 14:03:58

So sorry @NiceGranny The first DiL we had hated us and we are 100% sure she turned DS1 against us. She wears the trousers, I believe and thanks to her I havent heard from them for almost 2 years now. In my case, she was incensed that I wouldnt give up my job to care for GS full time, that I did not shop for "fresh food" 3 x a day and cook 3 hot meals a day. I've not written it before, but Cultural differences and it is my son's fault for not educating her before she came here. I am not able to give up work yet and was aghast about how they tried to take over my life while living in our house. He even said she was great at accounting and suggested I should hand over the family finances to her!!! There is so much I have never said.

Probably pretending not to notice is a good plan. Also giving no reaction to any baiting is a good idea. I know it's really hard. I really hope it works out for you all. flowers

My DiL2 seems nice. I have no issues with her, actually I think shes doing a great job in difficult circumstances.

Nicegranny Thu 29-Oct-20 10:40:34

Lavazza1st how awful that you haven’t heard from them in all that time ! It beats me what’s wrong with our son’s that they get drawn in and don’t see what we see not, that l would ever talk about sgf to him. I am a firm believer in “he who controls the purse strings controls the relationship” and why would you hand your finances over to dil? Your son clearly has handed his over.

Smileless2012 Thu 29-Oct-20 12:51:11

It's been almost 8 years of estrangement for us and I still can't believe that our ES was "drawn in" by his wife Nicegrannysad.

Lavazza1st Fri 30-Oct-20 18:31:20

@NiceGranny I know, even with covid19 and they haven't bothered! Yes and I think you've hit the nail on the head, she is in control of him and she hates us. I hope things get better for you in time flowers

@Smileless2012 I am so sorry for your pain. 8 years is such a long time sad flowers

If I have not had contact with my GC by Christmas I will start a memory box and hope they get it some day.

Smileless2012 Sat 31-Oct-20 11:36:24

Make sure the memory box is mentioned specifically in your will Lavazza and who it's for then you'll know they'll receive it.

Yes it is a long time and I suppose is our 'new normal'sad.

Lavazza1st Tue 03-Nov-20 14:21:56

I haven't actually got a will, but it's something I need to do @Smileless2012 flowers

I am so sorry, it's painful I know.

Fecklar Tue 17-Nov-20 10:38:36

I agree with the OP. It’s been over 17 years since my son turned his back on me over a silly argument and me wanting to have a life. So I had that life despite what he has done. I’ve gone through all the soul searching the wailing the why mes and what ifs you name it Ive done it. I’ve even taken responsibility for anything I’ve done or said that may have caused harm. But still the silence goes on. However that void was filled with me living my life. Making new friends. Having a supportive daughter and son in law and grand daughters. Now I look on it differently. I take the view that your children don’t have to like you and vice versa. My ex died in February of this year and my so spent much of his time with him so go figure. It hurts less now, I’m not whatever I’m being made out to be and que sera.

Smileless2012 Tue 17-Nov-20 11:49:42

"I'm not whatever I'm being made out to be" that will resonate with so many EP's Fecklarsmile.

Like you, we are gradually filling the void. Still work in progress and maybe it always will be but 8 years on we've found peace and happiness we never thought possible.

sue421 Tue 29-Dec-20 23:37:08

So glad I came on here tonight and read all the above. We dont have a good relationship with our daughter....25 years ago my mum told me that she didnt think our daughter cared about us...too long a story for here! We did muddle through for years however she began by treating me as if I was not coping with old age! I am now 69, I care for my husband 24/7...maintain various fbook sites for groups, raise money for our local park, walk most Sept it was our 50th WA...due to Covid our son came down from Manchester with his daughter and we had invited DD and SIL to come from 1/2 mile up the road! All to sit in garden. She rang the day before saying she hadn't got us a card, she also said she would order us an afternoon tea....that never happened as she hadn't ordered it and she didnt know what else to give her...I pointed out that there lots of golden Rose's, golden food stuff for a hamper. Sorry bit long isnt it. Before Christmas she rang to say she wasnt giving presents this as we only throw away what she gives us...totally untrue. She is 50 end of January do I ignore it? DH says to treat her as she treats us. She occasionally will ring and say she is walking her dogs in the park and do I want to meet her over there! Sometimes I can but sometimes cant..she tells me how to look after her dad! I was a nurse! What I am trying to say is I have had enough, if she was a 'friend' I would have stopped the friendship as it wears me down. Reading everyone elses stories make me realise not everyone has Happy Families. Thank you.

Smileless2012 Wed 30-Dec-20 10:00:56

Hi sue do you mean should you ignore her 50th birthday? I can understand your disappointment and that your D's attitude and behaviour is upsetting but I wouldn't ignore her birthday.

A card and small gift would be the right thing to do. Maybe you could put some coping mechanisms in place to reduce the upset you feel if she lets you down as she did with the offer of ordering you afternoon tea. Say 'that would be lovely' but don't expect it to happen, but enjoy it if it does.

Either ignore her 'advice' when she's telling you how to look after your husband or simply tell her that what she's suggesting wouldn't work, or that you're doing that anyway.

Maybe you had a picture in your mind of what the relationship with your D would have been when she became an adult, many of us do only to find that the reality is nothing like the picture we imagined.

Enjoy the occasional walks in the park with your D and her dogs. At the age of 50 she's not going to change so try and put your frustration and disappointment to one side and accept her for who she is. There may come a day when she surprises you; I hope so.

Hels001 Wed 30-Dec-20 14:33:29

Feel I have to say a big thank you to all who have posted such positive advice. Im afraid I'm still at the desolate and dark part of the estrangement journey. Youve shown there is life afterwards and I thank you all for that.

Yogagirl Mon 04-Jan-21 09:19:54

Only just found this thread; good one, well done Peonyrose - one of my favourite flowers! On page one, will make a coffee & come back to read rest.

Mine was youngest daughter of 3 C. 8 years estranged, 9 Xmases. I adored her & her 2 C. No argument, no bad words, nothing, save the jealousy of her H, I realised after the co [not my precious GD dad]

6.5yrs of that dark endless tunnel Smileless so aptly put. Until I decided no more & finally moved on. But I recently thought to myself, what's wrong with me, I'm not ill, but I don't feel right and then I realised, I've moved on but my broken heart is heavy in my chest!

Galaxy62 Tue 19-Jan-21 14:07:21

Thank you everyone for making me feel slightly stronger today, after a horrible telephone call from younger son trying to make me feel as if it’s my fault he’s not inviting any of his immediate family to his wedding. So sad how children treat their parents sometimes.

Armadillo Tue 19-Jan-21 17:33:31

I won't let estrangement ruin my life. Now I know that my mum doesn't want a relationship I know there is no point hoping for her to be a better person so I can just get on with life now.
I think we all need to get on with life and make a happy path for us and leave these estranged people in the bin where they belong.

Smileless2012 Tue 19-Jan-21 18:04:24

I'm so sorry that you've had a horrible 'phone call from your younger son Galaxy. Our experience with our ES was the same. He was and probably remains unable to take responsibility for his own actions.

How can your son not inviting immediate family to his wedding be your fault? It's his wedding, not yours.

I feel the same about our ES Armadillo. I can't see him becoming the person he used to be, or improving on what he's become.

I wouldn't say he belongs in the bin. He's our son, we love him and always will but he made his choice 8 years ago and we've learned to live life to the full without him and our only GC.