Child arrangement court order

Youve tried 'bulldozing' method unhappy1,maybe next try the gentle approach,or leave a bit to let them think it over.it cant hurt and you might be surprised, the parent may think in your favour if your not harassing them all the time.(you can always copy any letter you send) as 'proof' also maybe just send birthday cards for child if allowable,so they know youre thinking of them but dont want to 'scare them off',but in my opinion,forcing a child to see you just because youre the legal grandparent never goes well

I have an extremely close relationship with all of my grandchildren particularly my eldest and youngest grandchildren.the eldest lives with me and my son and the youngest is here 80% of the time.i have to say I would fight to the end to see them as I think it would damage them hugely emotionally.sometimes a grandparents love and commitment by far outweighs certain "mothers"...well it certainly does in our case!.

The point that cord ordered contact is not good quality contact from thr childs point of view is valid.

Courts often initially grant contact at contact centres. They try to make them "up beat" but they are not happy places.

Say the kid wants to take up a hobby where coaching is at the weekend

Say the child wants to go for a residential or friends sleep over but the parent risks jail if they say yes.

Say the child is ill or bullied and just wants a low key "chill" weekend

The courts also rightly consider whether grandparents are enjoying costing the childs parents stress and money by initiating the proceedings.

The child isnt a separate entity to the parents. They are their immediate family, their primary carers, and causing them stress and expence affects their child too, they are a family unit, so makes you wonder how much GPs who initiate that awful experience for the family really care about the children.

"Court" ordered

I've seen this happen to some friends.
They know they wouldn't win in court so haven't tried.
They keep a large box in which they store birthday cards each time there is a birthday, letters written to each grandchild telling them why they don't see them and why, and have arranged in their wills to leave half their estate plus the contents of the box to the GCs.
It's not much consolation and they get upset when other people they know talk about their own GCs.
Maybe they'll contact you when they are adults if they haven't been told a pack of lies about you.
I wish you well.

And as another poster said, if there is a divorce etc then it is hard enough for the child to get enough quality time with each parent & half siblings who are their imediate family. In circumstances like that, extended family like GPs who expect PARENT level contact also arent painting themselves in the most positive lights

Kids can feel shoved from pillar to post as it is with just parents contact arrangements!

It is common for children who have contact arrangements to "act out" at school and at home after court enforced contact.

Its not something I would wish on my GCs. I would wish them stability and security, and if that meant I took a back seat, so be it.

Fortunately no - but years ago i was a family lawyer. TBH whenever you get to the point of asking 'The LAW to sort out relationship problems you are on a hiding to nothing. Plus - if the relationship between the parents has broken down the idea that extended family - even grandparents - can force a situation by using the courts is generally la la land.
The only way - and it takes some special internal strength in very difficult circumstances - is to always be available to help and offer to help the main carer and never appear to take sides. Almost impossible.

We'll...thank u to all of you who have given it support...and to those who have other opinions on what I should or shouldn't have done tbh I am surprised. I guess until you go thru such a heartbreaking situation..you cannot empathize. When I watched my son stand in court and blatantly tell lies....I asked myself what kind of man he had become....sometimes we come to the unfortunate realisation...he is not a nice human being. He hadn't spoke to me or his sister for 14 years before my grandson was born. He only needed me for childcare...for 5 years..then when I was finding it difficult and couldn't do it...literally overnite..I was out of my grandsons life....

www.thepsu.org/ This in court support organisation is worth knowing about now that the availability of Legal Aid has been so drastically cut that, you may recall, even the barristers went on strike about the cuts! I have not been to court on our own behalf but supported our son to achieve shared residency when his ex-partner had overdosed while her older son was in her care. I was shocked that the Children and Families Court Advisory and Support service neither interviewed our son about his concerns nor assessed our grandson. It was a worrying time as we thought DGC's mum might move away and cut all contact. I wrote to her offering my support and 13 years on the shared care arrangement put in place by the court is still intact.

Unhappy1. I have not had this experience, but I am so distressed by the pain you must be in. I feel so upset for you. I am so very sorry this has happened. Do not give up hope, be kind to yourself. I shall pray for you. If you feel God let you down I understand, but it wasn't God who did it - it was the Devil. Unfortunately we have to live with the actions of evil in this life.

I do so hope that you will get some good news one day and that meanwhile you will manage to keep going and be strong for that day when you will see your beloved Grandchildren again. I send you much love. From Elle x ???

Unhappy1

sometimes we come to the unfortunate realisation

I again send my heartfelt sympathy, indeed empathy. This is one of the cruelest blows any loving Mother can receive. I am so very sorry. You are not alone.

Although it is not what you want to hear, I would say it is probably best for you at this time to walk away and give yourself a break from this agonising struggle. When a person is a Liar and a convincing Liar at that, we are temporarily frozen, immobile, unable to move forward in the truth and to obtain that which is right. But one day you will see your beloved Grandson, of this I am certain.

Please take very great care of yourself. You have had a terrible shock, and this takes a lot out of you. You need time to recover. Be kind to yourself. You are not alone. There are many of us who have had that same dreadful realisation. On another Forum here you will find many estranged Grandparents who will support you.
With love, Elle x ?

Tillybelle...thank u for ur lovely comments...I am a non believer....so I certainly do not blame your God...what a kind..caring person you are xx

Nannan2
I think your son and you have been put in a terribly unreasonable situation. It seems very wrong to me that you have to do the journey to the GPs and father when they moved away.

I am appalled by people like those GPs who can see that their GS has no feelings for them and would rather not be there yet still use the force of the law to make his life and yours miserable by dragging you on this horrible journey several times a year. They can't possibly love him. They are just totally selfish. I do so wish that something could be put in place that stopped this situation from arising. The child's wishes need to be taken into account. The difficulties of the distance and expense of the journey should be the responsibility of the parties wanting to see the child. I hope that soon you will not have to go on this journey, as your son is now growing older. What age does he have to be to decide for himself if wants to go?

What lies did your son say about you in court?

Usually the grandparent has to bear the burden of the proof that he/she has been crucial in the grandchild's life and the child is worse off when the grandparent is not around.

I hope you had that proof and it could challenge your son's statements.

The main problem is that a relationship with a minor depends on your relationship with the parents.
If you have disagreements or don't get along with the parents, they won't trust you to care or even have a relationship with their child.

Once you take the parents to court, possible reconciliation with the parents may never be possible, tberefore say bye bye to a relationship with your grandchild.

Have you considered therapy so this issue does not consume your life?

This issue is complex and never easy. Unfortunately in families affected by divorce or separation it is a likely outcome nowadays that part of the family may never see a much loved child again. The Family Court frequently has to try and reach a solution that is guaranteed to upset someone.
Also it is a sad fact that many grandparents awarded access then allow a parent judged to be a danger, to spend time with the child.
I am sorry for whatever sort of division has happened in your family, and sincerely hope that it can be resolved and you can see your grandchildren again.

Due to sons wife I have not been allowed to see mine since 2012. Courts cannot help if parents have parental control. There are thousands of us in this country in same position and need to get the law changed so we are like France where children are allowed access to grandparents. Sept. 4th we are having a meeting in Parliament with 2 great MP,s speaking,-Matthew Offord and Nigel Huddleston. We have had debates since 2016 but MP,s have failed to get Lucy Frazer MP to act. Childrens rights are ignored. Now deemed to be coercive control by parents -99% are the mothers- with up to 5 years in prison. Need someone to take strong action. It cannot be "normal" to hurt your children in this way.
First post, now run for cover before the back lash.

Thank u hithere...
You have to go to mediation...then u have to make a statement and ask for Permission to apply....this was granted saying I had a living and meaningful with my grandson.
Then u make another statement to apply for access.
My son is a grown man of 49 yrs....from day one he said I never had a close relationship...he had concerns over my driving...(driven for 39 yrs...accident free thankfully)...my grandson had not missed me...then his partner broke down in tears and said she had gone on sick leave..because of...is an Oscar winning perfkrmance..the list goes on.
Luckily I have a daughter and granddaughter who offer support so I don't need counselling.
My son has used his child as a weapon...as many do.
As I stated before...hard as it is...you sometimes have to admit..your children have grown into selfish heartless adults.
I have...and have realised..it's not me...it's him.

Kaimegan.....well said...I'm with you 100 percent...good news about debate...

Personally I think that if you move your child away from the parent, you should sort out taking the child back to its roots and family. If you are the parent who moves away from the child, it is incumbent on you to visit the child. Children have no say in what happens most of the time with a divorce. My stepchildren were whisked over 200 miles away from their father with vague promises of a land of milk and honey coupled with anything they wanted they would get. Of course, it didn't work out like that so they all returned as adults but had missed some very valuable time growing up around a very loving, hands on Dad.
I'm sorry, Unhappy1 you have been put in this situation and I think it is horrible that children lose out with relationships with their extended family in these situations. Of course children should not put their children in harm's way with unsuitable members of the family but ultimately it should be their rights (the children's) that are considered, not the parents. Knowing our roots is so important.

I am 67 and until I was 5 my grandmother lived with us . Then my parents fell out with her and she moved to the other side of the country and they cut off all contact with her . I saw her twice after that , once when I was about 9 and that was only for a few minutes and had to be kept secret . The next time I was 19 and she was completely senile .
I still grieve for the loss of my relationship with her and yes I am still angry about it .
May be if parents looked at how it impacts on children there wouldn’t be grandparents and grandchildren left grieving for each other .

Blossomsmum...such a sad story...even at such a young age u loved your gran....and I'm sure she loved you...you cannot change the past...keep your self with what memories you have of her...and take care of you...xx

Although I have not been allowed to see my 3 week old grandchild and have no idea if/when I will be allowed (he has said I will at some point (can I be certain?) but goodness knows if the baby will still be a baby by then!) I am still against the idea of having a law that would force parents to allow grandparents access. In worse case situations I can imagine adult men and women who have had shocking childhoods seriously considering choosing not to have children just to avoid being forced to have their own parents back in their lives. And I also think that if there is still even a slim chance of relationships being mended that getting the law involved would prevent it ever happening.

My reply isn't aimed at anyone's personal situation on here. These situations tend to be complicated and painful. It is just my general view on the subject.

Flying solo
I too have a 4 month old grandson that I will never meet. My daughter cut me off when I divorced her father after 35 years of marriage.
It’s soul destroying that a daughter I raised well has turned out to be such a cold hearted woman.
I have other grandchildren that I see and dread the time when they realise I have not yet met this baby. How to explain?
I don’t think going to court will ever be the answer. The parents wishes have to be respected.
I have started a box with a diary in case when he is old enough he may accept it and know that I love him.
This is my punishment for not staying in an unhappy marriage.
I’m even unhappier now

Minshy, I can relate to your pain and unhappiness although in my case I am now quite confused about my feelings and by the whole situation. I think though that if I had already met the baby I would feel even worse. Is it possible to love a child you haven't met? I'm not sure how to label my feelings.