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To be cut off before GC is born!

(47 Posts)
Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 10:56:56

My ( near due date in a far flung country) Dil told me that my son wanted the two of them to be alone with the baby for the first month of it's life. She has a large extended family and was upset that DS did not want them to see the baby. He had walked out on her and I ended up comforting her.

To cut a long story short, he read the messages and has now cut me out as well. In a way I understand this as I understood her upset that he was trying to prevent her seeing her family. He also wanted her not to go to hospital for the birth and had even stopped her having a scan. I have concerns about his behaviour as it mimics his Father's controlling/abusive behaviour. I know that the truth hurts and maybe I should not have advised her at all, but she was going to go out in the dark and look for him at 8 and a half months pregnant and I advised her to put her feet up.

My son and I used to talk via a chat app as he's far away and he has deleted me from it. I do understand that he's upset but I cannot take back what I said since it was the truth and I am dismayed at his controlling behaviour. His Dad was always walking out on me- and I know how it feels to be in that situation.

If I had ignored Dil and not comforted her, maybe he would still be talking to me. Honestly, I despair. I separated from my abusive ex when he was little and did my best to bring him up in the right ways with lots of love.

The abusive ways are showing, though- too much to explain here, but he is very manipulative - so I can only think it must be genetic. I watched a TV program called Nature vs Nurture where these people brought up wolf cubs as though they were puppies, with lots of love. But the genetics won as they became aggressive and wolf- like despite all the love.

A few months ago he did threaten to cut off contact if I didn't give him £60,000.00 anyway- which I don't have. So maybe it's for the best. Obviously I still love him, but I can't be held to ransom for money I don't possess.

Sara65 Thu 26-Sep-19 11:09:09

I’m sure you did the right thing, sorry, but your son sounds very controlling, you were right to show your daughter in law some kindness

Namsnanny Thu 26-Sep-19 14:45:11

Your dil knows how to contact you presumably?
So maybe if she can she will do so at some time.
That way you can keep contact with her and the baby.
If your son is as difficult as you seem to think, she might need your support someday.
I’m glad you didn’t give him the money. It puts a question mark over a relationship.

paddyann Thu 26-Sep-19 16:02:40

support your DIL if your son is so controlling he tried to stop her from a hospital birth or a scan then he needs to get help.She cant be expected to live like that .If you have experience of this type of behaviour you will know how ipmortant it is you're on her side .

Rebellious Thu 26-Sep-19 16:19:29

Lavazza1st What was the content of the emails as those are very important here. Some people have different ideas about new parenting. My oldest and his partner requested 2 weeks bonding time before allowing visitors which we all respected. He may have simply read an article or got carried away with an ideal which is understandable in a nervous new parent.

sodapop Thu 26-Sep-19 16:33:44

I think the other issues are concerning though Rebellious not wanting his wife to have a scan or to go into hospital. I agree Lavazza1st it does seem controlling, you were right to help your daughter in law. It must be hard for you to see your son behaving this way despite your best efforts. I hope things improve for them but I think you did the right thing.

Hithere Thu 26-Sep-19 16:34:05

Your dil seems to be in a abusive relationship. Can she go to a relatives's home for protection?

Rebellious Thu 26-Sep-19 16:43:07

I think to clarify abuse I would need to know if these were real concerns for the welfare of mother and child re: scan, home birth and long bonding time. It may be a belief system. He would need to understand that ignoring or overruling the mother and her needs in these circumstances is controlling behaviour. These issues based on a belief it was right may not be abuse. I have seen that issue with pro and anti vaccination stances in couples.

Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 17:22:49

Thanks Sara, I feel it was right, too.

But...I do understand why he's upset with me. The truth hurts. However, if he didn't walk out on a heavily pregnant wife just to try and get his own way, I wouldn't have said anything...

Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 17:25:58

Namsnanny, Yes she is still in my contacts but I have not heard from her or tried to contact her for nine days. I am worried, but they are in China and Im in the UK...

I know she has support from her family there, I just hope he doesn't keep trying to drive a wedge in there. I told her that he had deleted me from the chat list and she said she was talking to him about it. That was nine days ago and I don't want to put her in a difficult position by messaging her if he doesn't want me to be in touch.

Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 17:40:59

DS was threatening violence (verbally) towards her family if they interfere with "his baby" last time I spoke to him. I tried to negotiate with him to get him to accept that the baby deserves to be loved by a large family- but it didn't help. He seemed irate with the world.

In the past he has been sectioned due to MH and has been violent before to our family. It's all very sad. I do love him, but am not going to chase after him or beg for contact. He's very difficult to live with, I know.

DIL used to live with her family. Until she got into a relationship with DS... He insisted that they got their own appartment and goes out in a fury if/ when her family visit. He won't even give me the address!

I hope she is taking to her family about this. They work together so she sees them every day and they must have noticed a change in her. There's nothing I can do from here except hope the poor girl is at work when she goes into labour and that the baby is born safely.

DS seems to think he's more than capable of delivering a baby shock but hope he doesn't get the chance!

Smileless2012 Thu 26-Sep-19 17:41:45

I think you've done the right thing Lavazza.

It was wrong for your son to prevent his wife from having a scan, that could have prevented detecting a problem that could have had has issues for the mother and/or the baby's health.

I took from your post that your son walked out on his pregnant wife because despite his feelings to the contrary, she wanted members of her family to see the baby; controlling to say the least.

It does sound as if your son has problems when it comes to negotiating adult relationships and uses threats and pressure where he should be willing to discuss and compromise.

Of course you do and will continue to love your son but for the time being at least it may be best that you're not in contact at the moment. His attempt to blackmail you and his resentment at the support you've given his wife, your d.i.l. and the mother of your GC demonstrate his need to grow up.

He's going to be a father; he needs to learn how to be a husband and a son.

Smileless2012 Thu 26-Sep-19 17:44:17

I've just seen your latest post. No wonder you're worried. Hopefully her family are putting her needs and what's best for the child before his selfish and unreasonable behaviour.

Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 17:51:20

Yes Smileless2012, he did walk out because her family visited. There may be nothing wrong with them, per se- but he seems to find them an intrusion and to resent them existing.

In all honesty, I'm scared of what he will do. I worry that he might come back here if he gets into trouble there and they deport him sad but I'm also concerned for him as they don't recognise MH issues at all there. I hope he doesn't do anything he shouldn't do...

I can't give him money, definitely not the amount he's been talking about.

Rebellious Thu 26-Sep-19 17:51:22

Thank you for the clarifying information. If they were in the UK I would suggest a wellness check. Being in China is an impossible situation that affords you few ways to reach out. I don't know how you would reach the appropriate organisation or if they are even available there. Lavazza1st I would strongly suggest saying nothing negative to son or daughter in law if either should reach out, as daughter in law may receive his anger for it.

Hetty58 Thu 26-Sep-19 17:55:16

Perhaps he leaves when he's angry to avoid confrontation. He may need to calm down on his own if, in the past, he's been violent. I don't like his attempts to isolate his wife from her family. That's exactly what abusers do to gain control. It sounds like he won't be successful with that, though.

Hithere Thu 26-Sep-19 18:00:26

To be fair, postpartum Chinese customs are rigid, can be hard to get used to them and a foreigner could see them as intrusive towards the nuclear family (mother, father and baby)

If dil was living with her family before getting married, could enmeshment be part of it?

The rest of your post is worrisome. At least your dil as support nearby.

Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 18:04:11

Thanks Rebellious, I'm not going to do anything but it's a relief to talk about it as it's been weighing heavily on me.
I feel ashamed to tell people I know.

Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 18:06:37

Good point Hetty, he stayed out for 7 hours though so I think he made his point. I don't think he will succeed, but I worry what will happen.

Hithere, maybe that could be an enmeshment problem. shes in her thirties and works full time in the family business with her parents too.... But he knew all that when they met.

Rebellious Thu 26-Sep-19 18:11:00

If you can re-establish contact and keep things friendly and positive that may be preferable than worrying about the unknown.

Coolgran65 Thu 26-Sep-19 18:30:07

Can you send a friendly message to dil.... not long to go now, I hope you are well.
Something that cannot be taken issue with. ?

quizqueen Thu 26-Sep-19 18:40:37

Your daughter in law is a fool to have allowed herself to get pregnant by this man. It is likely to all end very badly so it's a good job she has a supportive family.

Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 19:45:06

Yes Quizqueen, and I was a fool to get pregnant by his Father or to think that love was enough. All I can say is, I was very young and he was my first boyfriend. Dil has not got youth or inexperience but I think it's a case of her thinking the grass is greener in having an English man.

Rebellious and Coolgran65, I could send a message but I feel that I woud rather leave it to them.

Lavazza1st Thu 26-Sep-19 20:04:39

What you have to know is, abusive men don't come across as as abusive. They seem like the most plausible, nice and normal people. Until you see the flip side.

Then, when you do see it, you think it's "you" and keep trying harder to get them to be how they used to be. But they won't be, because it was a pretence they used to lure you in. They isolate you and wear you down until you have nothing but them and life becomes about dancing to their tune - or else.

Smileless2012 Thu 26-Sep-19 20:18:25

Your description of abusive men applies equally to abusive women Lavazza.

You have nothing to be or feel ashamed aboutflowers.