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How to understand why my daughter cut me off?

(63 Posts)
Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 19:20:32

I am in need of help. I have not seen my daughter in almost 2 years. She was my life. I went through some pretty serious things at work and was put on heavy duty mental drugs. I said and did a lot of things I shouldn’t have, I accept that. I have apologized and begged for her to give me a chance but she won’t. I don’t know what to do. I have such sadness and anger all at the same time. Someone please lead me in the right direction. My heart breaks daily.

OutsideDave Mon 30-Sep-19 22:06:21

Your doctor doesn’t want you to see a therapist because of the medications you were put on? That doesn’t make sense. Therapists don’t prescribe medications, doctors do, and you don’t have to take a medication if you disagree with the prescriber. Leave your daughter alone. Stop trying to make contact with her via anyone else. Send one email to her to wish her a happy birthday and then stop. She sounds like she’s quite young and your breakdown happened during a very vulnerable time in her youth.

EllanVannin Mon 30-Sep-19 22:14:51

Yes, just a Birthday card.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 22:15:55

Ok I will leave her alone. She is 21. I’m sorry it wasn’t a therapist it was a psychologist. I was going 3x a week. I didn’t object to the meds because I figured they knew best. My doctor and my family stepped in because I couldn’t think or talk right and I would just fall asleep. So yes my doctor didn’t like it and I am much better now in that respect because I am not on all that stuff.

I do not try and make contact with her via anyone else.

I guess how I am saying all this makes me sound like a psycho mom but I have given her a lot of space.

I will leave her alone.

Starblaze Mon 30-Sep-19 22:26:08

I don't think anyone would be able to really help you understand why without knowing what you said but I can think of some advice.

I really wouldn't look for her online, if she finds out it may push her further away.

You acknowledge you hurt her but how much of your hurt are you showing her in emails? If you are coming across as frantic then she may not trust you are better and recovered. She may not trust you understand her hurt if you make yours bigger.

Personally, I would reach out well in advance of any special occasions. If she is not ready to talk, an email on her birthday may ruin the day and make it upsetting.

Keep contact light. Stop apologising unless she mentions an event you should apologise for.... Ask how she is, mention a small piece of news. Normal conversation. If she replies, don't leap on it... Draw it out, wait a few hours.. Don't make her feel hounded.

Remember we need someone to be a mum, not another friend. Don't unload your baggage on her.

Maybe see a counsellor instead of a therapist and talk the emotion out with them so you can be strong for your daughter.

Hope that helps x

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 22:33:46

Psychiatrist, whichever one prescribed meds.

Anyways, thank you all for the input. I just came here to feel a little better about not talking to her and try to learn how to deal with my feelings. I feel I went off topic and the title was probably wrong. I understand leaving her alone is best and that’s what I am trying to do. I have come a long way from crying daily over losing her. I’m sorry I thought talking and asking questions would help but it seems it made me more upset.

Again thank you all for taking the time to respond and I will take all your advice. Have a great night wishing you all the best.

Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 22:36:21

Thank you so very much for this. I really appreciate it.

Summerlove Tue 01-Oct-19 00:56:38

How do I prove myself if she won’t talk to me?

By giving her the space you said you would. Don’t make a liar out of yourself.

You said that you said incredibly hurtful things. Yes you’ve apologised, but that doesn’t mean she’s required to forgive or forget. Your daughter isn’t you.

Respect her space

Good luck

Curlysports Tue 01-Oct-19 03:05:59

Just to add, I never said that I said incredibly hurtful things. I said mean things but nothing like I hate you or your a loser or all you do is make wrong decisions. I made a mistake! This was not done over and over again. Her whole life I told her how Beautiful she was how proud of her I was. She was an amazing child and is an amazing woman. She is super smart and I was giving her a hard time about drinking and smoking pot. I always wanted the best for her and I didn’t want her to have drinking problems because it runs in the family( not me I don’t really drink).

Now that I have been hammered by this site with exception of a few people who I truly admire to be able to give advice that is both caring and supportive of both people involved I will let all of you get back to your own perfect lives where you have never made a mistake or cause your child to get pissed off at you because you are worried about their safety and their future.

I also do not like being called a lier! I said I would leave her alone and I will. It’s not like I stalked her daily. Jeez. I guess this is why I never joined a forum for this before.

Again I do really want to thank the people that gave me nice advice without battering me.

Hithere Tue 01-Oct-19 03:41:39

Your post is very vague and you do not say what you told her and what happened -not that I am asking you to give details.

Your daughter is so young and went through so much. She needs time to heal. How much time? I am afraid there is no formula to calculate it.

You asked why to understand how your dd cut you off.
Only you know the answer. We cannot tell you why. There is not enough information in your posts to pinpoint reasons.

"One of the last times I saw her a actually went down on my knees and begged her to forgive me, she walked away. "
This is very dramatic. This could be why she doesn't want to see you in person. I cannot even imagine how uncomfortable it must have been for your dd.

I am afraid you are confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. A person may forgive somebody - make peace with the past- and choose a different path for the future.

Forgive does not mean you forget what happen.

Your dd and you are different people. Trying to predict her actions based on what you would do is realistic

Think about it: the plate (your relationship with your dd) is already broken and even if the pieces are put together again, it is not the same plate. It has scars that are there and forgiveness (the glue) won't change that.

Wish her happy birthday. Give her the space she asks for. Respect her decisions as the adult she is

You need more therapy to deal with the aftermath of your past. Take care of yourself first, everything else will fall into place

M0nica Tue 01-Oct-19 07:12:34

loveOC By Least said soonest mended, I was referring to trying to make contact with her daughter, not more broadly not discussing it with others.Therapy can help in these circumstances as can talking to friends and family.

I agree I did not make myself clear.

love0c Tue 01-Oct-19 08:56:44

Thanks MOnica. As I posted I struggle so many times on what to do for the best. I have two very good friends who I talk to. They always seem to give the opposite to each other of what I should do! Hence, I am still left in a quandary. One says 'say nothing' and one says 'talk about it'.

M0nica Tue 01-Oct-19 10:04:47

love0c, Do what you feel happiest with. If you want to talk, do so. If you do not, don't.

Smileless2012 Tue 01-Oct-19 10:05:05

Welcome to GN Curlysports.

Even if you did know where she's living, to turn up un announced would IMO be the wrong thing to do. Your D would automatically and understandably be on the defensive and that could make your already heartbreaking situation worse.

You could send her an on line card for her birthday. There's a lovely site with cards that are animated and play music.

We've been estranged from our son and only GC for almost 7 years so I understand how difficult this is for you and your pain is evident in everyone of your posts.

IMO reaching out via email puts you between a rock and a hard place. Even if you don't expect to get a response (you've said you've had a few) that doesn't diminish the pain and disappointment you get when you don't receive one.

I would send an on line card for her birthday, and if you hear nothing, wait a few weeks and then think about emailing her, telling her how much you love her but don't want to keep contacting her, as you don't know whether or not this upsets her, so you wont be contacting her again; you'll leave her be and hope one day she'll feel able to contact you.

If you can do this, you'll be giving yourself some 'space' to come to terms with what's happened which in time will hopefully enable you to move on with your own life.

With the problems you've had in the past, you must try and take care of your own emotional and mental well being. Taking a step back may enable you to do so.


Summerlove Tue 01-Oct-19 11:11:16

Nobody hammered you.

We all tried to give advice based on our own experiences.

No ones life is perfect, but please don’t have a go at us because it’s not the advice/answers you wanted.

Summerlove Tue 01-Oct-19 11:15:15

Also, I did not call you a liar, not at all. I’m sorry if that was misinterpreted

Hetty58 Tue 01-Oct-19 11:26:57

Don't go and visit her as she doesn't want that. Do send her emails and letters occasionally. I think it's only right to send a birthday card, maybe with a gift voucher. Meanwhile, get on with your own life to build up your confidence and happiness.

Delila Tue 01-Oct-19 12:00:28

Perhaps, dear Curlysports, much as your daughter obviously really does love you, she feels your extreme neediness (which is quite understandable), and at the moment she just has nothing to give. It sounds as though previous experiences have left her emotionally drained. She loves you, you love her, but there is a gulf between you and you need space and time on both sides to heal, so that you can meet in the middle one day. I hope you won't have to wait too much longer but, in the meantime, keep reassuring her that you love her.

Delila Tue 01-Oct-19 13:29:44

Without putting any pressure on her to respond.

Gonegirl Tue 01-Oct-19 14:53:31

The up-coming birthday seems to be the ideal opportunity t have one last little try. Just a pretty card and a message inside such as, "Still love you and still sorry for all that went on. From your Mum x".

Then, sadly, if she does not respond, leave it.sad flowers

Namsnanny Tue 01-Oct-19 15:30:13

Curlysports….I'm sorry you feel 'hammered'. After reading some of the posts I think I would too.

Wishing you some peace flowers

Peonyrose Tue 01-Oct-19 18:04:02

I do think you need to hold back and leave it up to her to make any moves. A card at Birthdays and Christmas is fine, but any more she might feel as if you are not listening to her, so you will be lessening your chances of a reconcilliation. Know it must be so hard but you don't have any other option. Try to make a life for yourself and take this step back.

Starlady Wed 02-Oct-19 14:01:19

Have to go in a few minutes, Curly. But just want to say that my heart aches for you, and I think you are very wise to reach out here. Be back later, but I see you are already getting good advice from others. Hugs!

Starlady Wed 02-Oct-19 14:12:55

Uh-oh, I spoke to soon! Sorry! Now I see you felt "hammered" by some posters. Sorry about that, but I'm sure it wasn't there intention. IMO, they were just trying to help you see that you need to back off from D, as hard as that may be.

And I know it will be hard. 2 years - it must feel like an eternity to you! Still, I agree that it's best to stop contacting her (except for the birthday wishes) till she's ready to reach out. She has shown some signs of it - saying she loves you and talking about joint therapy ( even if she's not ready for it yet). So please take heart in that.

But again, I really have to go. More hugs! Hope you come back in and we talk more later.

Starlady Wed 02-Oct-19 22:02:24

Back again, Curly. I see you haven't been yet, but maybe you will soon. Or perhaps you're still reading. I've been thinking about you on and off all day. And it occurs to me that, maybe, it's not just the "mean" words that alienated your DD. Perhaps she couldn't deal with the issues you were going through or, sorry to say, the fact that you needed medication. Some AC have trouble seeing their parents this way. The fact that you were close for so long may have made it even harder b/c you may have suddenly seemed like a different person to her. I hope it doesn't hurt to hear this. I'm no therapist, I'm just guessing at why even your apologies haven't quite brought her back. She may need more time to adjust to how things have changed.

Regardless, I appreciate the fact that you stopped emailing her in July. You still sent her postcards, though, and that is probably why she moved and didn't give you her address. I know it hurts, but to me that is a clear message that she wanted the constant contact to stop for now. Greetings on her birthday and holidays (the ones where people send cards only) are probably ok. But fortunately, you've already realized you should not do more than that for now. As another poster said, please let her wonder why she hasn't heard from you/let her miss you a little (I'm sure she will). It's hard to wait, but, in time, I'm sure she'll reach out to you again.

endlessstrife Wed 27-Nov-19 09:28:19

It’s been two months since the last post, so not sure if you’re still around. I only skipped through the replies, but the feeling I get when reading your post, was just to let it go, and hang back. Send her the odd card, letter, just to let her know you love her, and will always be there. She is still very young at 21, and a lot can change. Just give her the time and space, get on with your life, doing something you perhaps always wanted to, and haven’t yet. Time really is the best healer.