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How to understand why my daughter cut me off?

(63 Posts)
Curlysports Mon 30-Sep-19 19:20:32

I am in need of help. I have not seen my daughter in almost 2 years. She was my life. I went through some pretty serious things at work and was put on heavy duty mental drugs. I said and did a lot of things I shouldn’t have, I accept that. I have apologized and begged for her to give me a chance but she won’t. I don’t know what to do. I have such sadness and anger all at the same time. Someone please lead me in the right direction. My heart breaks daily.

notanan2 Wed 27-Nov-19 09:36:41

Ok. Her birthday is in November do I wish her a Happy Birthday?

No! You know she doesnt want to be in contact with you so contacting her on her birthday is just mean! Why would you do something you know she wont like on a milestone for her?

notanan2 Wed 27-Nov-19 09:41:54

Whatever your reasons for your behaviour, and they may have been beyond your control, they traumatised her

So seeing your name pop up in her inbox or your handwriting on her door mat can just bring all that back on a day she probably just wants to forget her troubles and enjoy.

Please dont set out to taint her day like that. You KNOW she doesnt want contact right now. If you contact her you are doing something on her birthday that you know she doesnt like!

notanan2 Wed 27-Nov-19 09:52:40

I did and she says she isn’t doing this to hurt me but I don’t know who would think this doesn’t hurt a parent or even her. It has to hurt everyone involved. Right?

If she needs to be away from you in order to look after herself then it really isnt about you or about hurting you.

Babs758 Wed 27-Nov-19 10:24:48

I was estranged from my mother for a year. Both of us felt terrible about it but she would not talk to me. I think if I had sent her postcards every week it would have made it worse! She was bi polar and, from the age of 8 to around 21 I found this very difficult to deal with. We fell out big time in my 40s. Complicated story but I did send her a birthday card after six months of no communication during which she finally got the Nursing care she needed and didn’t rely on me so much. In the card I said how much I loved her and that I Would love the opportunity to hear from her. Nothing happened for another 3 months but she eventually got in touch. Things were never quite the same again but we rebuilt the relationship. I wish I had gone for counselling sooner. Only now tacking this in my 50s!

At 21 your daughter might be an adult but is still very young . You are doing the right thing by giving her time as she needs to work out this situation and her feelings. But personally I would send the card with a light message - nothing too heavy! Best of luck.

geekesse Wed 27-Nov-19 10:54:14

Ok, a small suggestion... email her on her birthday. Tell her about the day she was born, the joy you experienced, the love you felt. Say nothing else. Remind her only why you remember with thankfulness the way she came into the world. Give her one good, perfect thing to think about. No follow up, no excuses or explaining. Then wait, for ever if necessary.

notanan2 Wed 27-Nov-19 11:13:36

Ok, a small suggestion... email her on her birthday. Tell her about the day she was born, the joy you experienced, the love you felt.

So make it all about the OP then.

Leave her alone. If she cant cope with contact with the OP on a normal day she definitely wont want it on a day thats meant to be about her enjoying herself!

The OP may be sad to not be involved, but thats for the OP to deal with.

If you care about someone you give them what they want on their birthday. Not what you want or what you think they should want. And the DD wants no contact.

gmarie Wed 27-Nov-19 22:31:21

I'm with the posters who have suggested a simple birthday greeting expressing your love and willingness to give her continued space. You have posted that this is your plan after not contacting her since July 4th, so much credit to you. Since she's expressed her love for you, as well, I think that a simple, kind and loving note containing no expectations is perfectly reasonable.

It's obvious that you love her very much but whatever happened has created a rift and some distance that can only be mended with time and patience. She is most likely dealing with her own confused feelings. This process is a fragile one and any pressure from you could make the situation worse and lengthen the time needed for healing.

I know that your mother's heart is breaking. Stay strong and keep your daughter's needs in mind first and foremost and hopefully this will pass. Hugs and flowers

gmarie Wed 27-Nov-19 22:34:46

I also meant to add that sending the note prior to or after the actual day would probably be best.

Hithere Thu 28-Nov-19 00:21:14

Do NOT contact her on her birthday.
Any healing and progress that has happened since you respected her wishes will regress.

welbeck Thu 28-Nov-19 01:23:33

perhaps you could try CoDA, they are a self-help organisation, that follow the twelve-step programme, with the aim of growing towards healthy relationships.
There are meetings in many towns. look them up.
anyone can drop in to any meeting, they are free, just take a collection for the venue hire. It's like AA, GA, etc.
there are some women-only meetings, and sponsorship, where people further along keep in touch with and encourage beginners, if they wish. it's all confidential.

Starlady Thu 28-Nov-19 02:36:16

CODA sounds like a good thing!

About the birthday message. I get notanan's point, but (sigh) if you don't wish D a Happy Birthday, she may be hurt/take it as a sign you don't care, etc. So I'm going to chime in w/ those who say just make sure you don't send it on the actual day itself. That way, you'll have acknowledge her birthday, but if it is at all unsettling for her, it won't be on the actual day.

Starlady Thu 28-Nov-19 02:46:19

Rethinking.... If you haven't emailed her already, maybe it would be just as well not to. Perhaps it would make her wonder and reach out to you. IDK... just a thought... That is, if you're still reading, Curlysports. And if you are, have you made a decision?